Forgetfulness, when to intervene
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
Forgetfulness, when to intervene
My mother in law has had some odd "forgetful" moments each time we see her. A little back story, she drinks (works, functional alcoholic) on her nights off (3x a week) for the past 20+ years. We only see her a few times a year and at my urging even less as every visit is a night of drinking and the next day she acts like nothing ever happened. It seems crazy, my husband is used to it and doesn't notice.
Recently though she told a story that was so very off about my husband. He is 31 and she included people who were friends from when he was little and mixed them into this story that never happened with some friends she made up. We both were incredibly confused.
the next visit she noticed I had a purse she liked, she saw it on 3 seperate occasions and each time it was as if she was seeing it for the first time. The last time she saw it she grabbed it out of my hand and petted it, she was drunk at that point but I don't think at the other times she saw it.
Has anyone else had these types of experiences? Did you intervene? Her hubby is in recovery for over 20 years but he enables. Says she's 'herself' when she is drinking according to my husband, this makes sense...she is nice drunk and mean sober (as I take this is her withdrawal reaction).
Recently though she told a story that was so very off about my husband. He is 31 and she included people who were friends from when he was little and mixed them into this story that never happened with some friends she made up. We both were incredibly confused.
the next visit she noticed I had a purse she liked, she saw it on 3 seperate occasions and each time it was as if she was seeing it for the first time. The last time she saw it she grabbed it out of my hand and petted it, she was drunk at that point but I don't think at the other times she saw it.
Has anyone else had these types of experiences? Did you intervene? Her hubby is in recovery for over 20 years but he enables. Says she's 'herself' when she is drinking according to my husband, this makes sense...she is nice drunk and mean sober (as I take this is her withdrawal reaction).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like she is blacking out. My ex does this. Literally will not remember entire conversations or events. Not much you can do to "intervene" in that situation, just minimize time spent with her while she is drinking, which you already seem to be doing. Are you or your hubby in Alanon? It can really help to deal with someone else's drinking, especially when questions like this come up.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it had a profound effect on me, even as an adult. I have been doing a lot of recovery work through Alanon to help me deal with those old childhood issues.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it had a profound effect on me, even as an adult. I have been doing a lot of recovery work through Alanon to help me deal with those old childhood issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
I've been to a few al anon meetings. I need to go back...I know I need it because I see things like this happening and react, and it seems like everyone else just goes a long with it just because it's what's always happened. I've wondered about blackouts or alcoholic dementia. I need to 'drop the rope' because it's not worth the worry.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
How old is she TA? I have 2 experiences of what you say; my mother who drank for many years and has dementia. She is ok in many ways, much nicer than when she was younger, but her memory is shocking. We think the dementia is age-related, but also exacerbated by regular drinking (she weighed 39kg before she went to assisted living, so it only took a couple of glasses).
My younger sister (54) drank very heavily for a period of about 10 years, and still drinks every night. She also has memory gaps, and we've noticed that she's reluctant to learn new tasks. It took her years to start using email, a relatively simple process. There's brain damage without a doubt, but most people cover it up for a long time until they're in a new situation.
Can I suggest you read up as much as you can about the effects of alcohol on the brain? There's a lot of reputable information out there; in fact I consciously used it to scare myself sober. I could see myself in 10 years with the sort of memory problems your MIL is experiencing.
My younger sister (54) drank very heavily for a period of about 10 years, and still drinks every night. She also has memory gaps, and we've noticed that she's reluctant to learn new tasks. It took her years to start using email, a relatively simple process. There's brain damage without a doubt, but most people cover it up for a long time until they're in a new situation.
Can I suggest you read up as much as you can about the effects of alcohol on the brain? There's a lot of reputable information out there; in fact I consciously used it to scare myself sober. I could see myself in 10 years with the sort of memory problems your MIL is experiencing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I would guess that either she is drinking more than you think and it is alcohol related or it is some type of non alcohol related condition. Those two examples sound pretty extreme, especially if you think she was sober twice and forgot the purse, for someone who only drinks 3 times a week.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by sg1970 
I would guess that either she is drinking more than you think and it is alcohol related or it is some type of non alcohol related condition. Those two examples sound pretty extreme, especially if you think she was sober twice and forgot the purse, for someone who only drinks 3 times a week.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
I've assumed she's drinking more than we realize. She does drink about a case at a time during her binges. I PI have never found anything but I also haven't 'dug around'. I've heard people can hide things really well. I've also wondered about pills because that easier to hide (this was an issue in the past). Fi won't listen, we tried to bring up how families of alcoholic are chaotic and we felt that way, he laughed and said oh yes I've seen that befor thank God that's not me. His denial is thick. She hides it well as she has a career but is stuck in the past. Sends baby pics. To my husband of himself when she's drinking. Anyway, it would be good to hear others stories.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
She is 58, young but heavy drinker for over 20 years if not 30. It's difficult to make plans with her because she either doesn't show up or doesn't get ready by the time we are supposed to go do what was planned. Several times she said we hadn't told her but I would hear DH tell her, or text her, or I'd text. We just continue on, and I get blamed for every thing that doesn't work out. I'm an easy target, she didn't give birth to me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Well she's not going to get any better while she keeps up the drinking and pills. It's a pity she's not being treated because there are some steps that could be taken with harm minimisation. She's not going to stay functional at work much longer at this rate.
It might be time to put some arrangements in place, working on the assumption that she's brain compromised. Consider putting all arrangements into writing, using emails or text. Or both. Then at least you can't be blamed. There are many ways we help our mother with memory loss, but she's 87, it's a bit different.
Avoid seeing her when you know she'll be drunk, which might mean cutting back on visits. If your H doesn't want to do that, and it bothers you, keep your own distance.
I don't know if intervention would be wise with your FIL in such deep denial, but it might be worth a try. You could write her a letter, which would at least allow her to read it several times. Use it as a prop for talking to her, or on it's own.
A lot depends on your H's relationship with her and how well they communicate. It doesn't matter if she's mean, only talk while she's sober. A first step would be for her to see a doctor but she has to admit she has a problem first.
It might be time to put some arrangements in place, working on the assumption that she's brain compromised. Consider putting all arrangements into writing, using emails or text. Or both. Then at least you can't be blamed. There are many ways we help our mother with memory loss, but she's 87, it's a bit different.
Avoid seeing her when you know she'll be drunk, which might mean cutting back on visits. If your H doesn't want to do that, and it bothers you, keep your own distance.
I don't know if intervention would be wise with your FIL in such deep denial, but it might be worth a try. You could write her a letter, which would at least allow her to read it several times. Use it as a prop for talking to her, or on it's own.
A lot depends on your H's relationship with her and how well they communicate. It doesn't matter if she's mean, only talk while she's sober. A first step would be for her to see a doctor but she has to admit she has a problem first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
We have cut back on visits and are now cutting back even more. It's been nearly 3 months and I'd be ok with another 3. My husband doesn't call her, text, or reach out. She text baby pictures in her drunken nights. We honestly don't know how 'bad' things are until we visit. And I usually notice quickly that it's just like I remembered. It's funny she talks about others drinking and addictions like they are horrible and awful...I guess it could take attention off her 'vices' as she calls it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
