FireSprite

Hey guys, it's been a little more than 6 months under this New Plan so I thought I'd update this thread, fwiw:

It's going well, thank God.

We've had a few rough moments but all in all I can chalk those up to the growing pains of him learning to manage money as well as a few pains from me while I got more comfortable out of the driver's seat. In the beginning the compulsion to double check everything was huge, I had to practically sit on my hands to stop myself from reacting to assumptions.

The first time I inquired about the bank balance so I could pick up something I needed & he responded, "There's enough for that, sure, but can it wait until next week? I don't like letting the balance get that low, just in case. It's only a couple of days until payday...".... I almost fell over. I thought he was messing with me but no, hey, this is a mature look & tone & wha????

I know he wanted to throw in the towel in those first couple of months. Getting through the process one month & then finding out it just started all over again was an eye-opener for him too. He has now experienced what it is like to watch that info roll from month-to-month. He's starting to understand more about long-term planning & budgeting & why even short-term emergencies need to be allotted for. Dealing with it solo for a few months made it all concrete - it's not just me talking about it now. I really believe this is more about his arrested development than anything else.

I was very proud when our A/C system croaked the day before DD's birthday slumber party & I was able to pay for the replacement/repairs out of my savings without incurring more debt. And we never missed a birthday beat. I still haven't come clean with him about reserving part of my pay in cash, but I don't feel awful about it either. Fact is, I would be a moron to NOT have some kind of financial backup plan after everything we've been through. Of course, the money only goes for household spending or into savings so it's not like I'm spending a fortune on leisure while the family suffers.

It has definitely helped his confidence to go through this, now he has to accept what I've been telling him - he's IS capable. I know he feels like he's being treated more equally (but I'm not stopping to argue that he was the one preventing that before, not me) & it has soothed his feelings about the account being registered to me solely. Now we can have family discussions about planning, instead of me just dictating & then going through the backlash of him arguing for argument's sake.

As SparkleKitty suggested - it's gotten more to an even keel now, with both of us participating in the financial part of our lives. I still get notifications/watch for declining balances on statements, etc. I'm not out of control, but I'm handling it all on my own either. We can have discussions about our finances without it turning into a war; previously any comment I made was taken personally & all he ever heard was me "blaming" him for our financial mess. He kept inserting emotion even when I was only trying to explain facts because it triggered his shame & guilt.

A bonus has been that it's a great exercise for him in getting out of his own head & thinking about others. With a single account we only have one debit card (of course) so in order to plan for gas, groceries, etc he has to think beyond only *his* needs at only *this* moment & do a little planning. A couple of incidences of "you can't take the card today, I need gas", ""Well, so do I & you've had the card for 3 days, why didn't you think ahead?".... was enough.

Re: those that suggested a financial planner. Yes - great suggestion except that I work for a CFP. She & I have gone over & over & over it all ad nauseam over the years. (and yes, it's humiliating sometimes that people have looked to me for financial advice for years but my own husband spurned my knowledge.) This isn't a matter of trying to figure out credit counseling so much as him getting educated about the very basics of money management. He is a hands-on learner so without going through this process I don't know that he could appreciate it the same way or grow from it. If I were not associated with the business we would definitely consider consulting someone simply to get a 3rd party opinion.

So far, so good. I'm definitely feeling much better about it now vs. at the beginning of this process!