Duckygirl1

My DD will be celebrating four years clean and sober this month. I went by her Job on my way from errands. She asked if I'm coming to the celebration. I said yes. I have to take the night off from work to do so. She then tells me that her divorce is final and she can now marry her boyfriend whom she met 6 months into an in house rehab. I had a living fit when she introduced him because she was in an all female facility. They met at a meeting. Thanks counselors. Nice bit of supervision that. Now I see why so many marriages go to pot in these places. Anyway, thank God it's working out so far.

I get home and I get a text from her flaming because I didn't get all giddy about the divorce and how she can get married now. And I mentioned that I had to take the night off, which means I lose about $175 out of next weeks check. Mind you, I'm so behind in bills if I have $10 to my name after they're all paid I'm lucky. If I dint work in a restaurant I'd starve.

I was called selfish, and she was going to "stop seeking my validation". I just sighed. I wanted to write back "give it a rest sister!" Here's what gets under my skin. I have been this kids main support all of her life. Flew 800 miles to get her from Chicago to ny into rehab. Never let her go homeless or hungry.

No thanks, I understand. Just I'm four years sober so drop everything to come no matter if it hurts you!

Same with my freakin sister! $1500 just to be a dam brides maid at her 3rd wedding to her 3rd effing addict and nothing but disappointment in me for not coming to every dang shower and party!
Sat by the bed of my A dad dying of cancer only to be cut out of the will because I had the audacity to marry outside of my race!
Dumped by my boyfriend so he can "discover who he is"!

I AM DONE WITH THE LOT OF EM! The next addict active or recovering who has the unfortunate luck to come into my life better know I don't care if they die on a sidewalk! They will get nothing from me but a list of local meetings and a kick out the door! Nothing but selfish sanctimonious ingrates! I have lost nothing but time, money and sleep over these losers! Today is the lunar new year. Happy New year to me!

LexieCat

You could have responded, "I think it's very healthy that you don't feel you need to look to your mom for 'validation' anymore." This is your life, and your validation comes from within."

You're not obligated to go to her four-year anniversary meeting. She'll have one every year, as long as she stays sober. It's a nice gesture to go to the first one, and maybe to the "big ones" (e.g., ten years or something), but I don't know anyone in recovery who expects his/her family to show up for every anniversary. Most people celebrate with their home group, and maybe get a card from people close to them. I send my sober ex a card every year on his anniversary (he just celebrated 35 years)--I sent him a nice plaque for his 30th. If I were there I'd probably go to the meeting, but that's because I'm in AA myself. I think his wife has been to a couple of AA meetings ever.

Refiner

I agree with Lexie that good for her she's not seeking validation from Mommy anymore. It sounds like you look to others for your own validation IMO. And her getting upset bc you're not over the moon with her new boyfriend and her divorce/upcoming wedding? Sounds like she is questioning it herself and you not "validating" it makes her question it more. She sounds like a spoiled brat, actually.

Duckygirl1

I know Lexie, I should have said something like that. I just sent back "ok" as in if that's how you feel, I'm done arguing. I won't go through a list reminding her that if not for me, she would more than likely be literally dead right now.
Her group is huge. They have big do's with flowers, cakes, music and go to a restaurant after. 14 people went out to dinner after the meeting last year.
I'm just exhausted. Work is crazy, bills are never ending, I don't sleep and have to constantly control binge eating. Maybe because I don't tend to whine or ask for help, people don't know the stress I'm under. They think it's all very easy. It's not by a loooong shot.
I'm going of course. But I won't be back until year 10! I need a nap

Duckygirl1

You're right Refiner. She's a brat alright. But I really don't look to others for validation. I'm an iconoclast and actually forgot my own birthday one year. Thats the problem. I tend not to get excited about things for others that don't excite me about myself. I forget that little things mean a lot to people. For example. Her divorce has been dragging out 4 years. I'm divorced too. It was done in 6 months. So, in my head it's not "hurray!" It's more like "big whoop, about time." I'm thrilled she's been clean 4 years. But again, in my head it's ok, you've been living "normal" 4 years, welcome to my world, now get on with it. You haven't pooped in a diaper in 24 years, you want a medal for that too?
I know it's waaaay more serious than that. Again, my sis is married 3 times. How many times can you do the full blown Disney princess thing in the same color scheme no less and expect the same people to get all slap happy about it?
I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'm not really. Just sick of it

Refiner

I'm at work and literally busted a gut laughing at your post, Duckygirl!!!! Hahahahaha I totally get it now. No, you definitely don't look to others to be validated, my bad! I was kind of wondering about the 3x marriage thing... and a full blown wedding with BRIDESMAIDS? Omg. Your diaper and Disney princess wedding analogies... Omg, hilarious and SPOT ON!!!!

LexieCat

LOL, Ducky, I'm sort of the same way. I wanted all the big whoop when I was young, but I've outgrown all that and really couldn't care less most of the time.

dandylion

Ducky....it is so true, (and, I know), that we teach people how to treat us.

When we stop breaking our backs for them, they get mighty pis***, at first, but---they eventually get used to the idea that there is a new sheriff in town!!

My dad used to have a saying: "Let them stay mad until they get glad".


dandylion

CodeJob

Ducky, I like you. You have pluck.

Duckygirl1

Thank ya'll I needed a giggle! I just have to let her quack and wallow for a bit. She"ll "get glad" sooner or later. Her brother is more like me and just rolls his eyes when she's like this. I'll take my nap at work I guess.

auroraxborealis

Pluckygirl1?!

thequest

Not for the same thing but a similar situation. Problem one here keeps score as far who does things like a remember a birthday including an obligatory phone call on the day. He's all about appearances and even got upset of how a family funeral went, who attended and who got what inheritance.

DG1 you are not the only one to question what goes in meeting. I posted in another thread but the CBS TV show 48 Mystery did a story about how a victim met her attacker in a meeting and how AA should be held accountable. Many view meetings as pick up location. You were right to question supervisors at this facility but it's her decision. I'm sure she came across rumor or gossip of predators in meetings.

Good Luck

Peace