Blossom717

I've been off the radar here. I hope everyone is doing well!

We went to mediation yesterday in hopes to finalize a custody agreement/child support. We left without an agreement, he was still fighting for split custody (the mediator told him that no judge would agree on that).

We had come up with a possibility- He have her every other weekend and Tuesday nights over night. This is something I think would be workable, and it would be less running around for dd, because right now she has dinner visits with him Tuesdays and Thursdays which tire all of us out.

Once he realized that child support depended on the amount of visitation, child care, and our incomes and nothing else he started to freak. He started rambling about he had rent to pay and blah blah blah. That he wanted to know what the "ball park" figure would be. The mediator told him he wouldn't even look at the figures until we came to an agreement.

He really showed his intentions when support came up. He said he wouldn't agree on anything until he called his dad and his "lawyer".

So we left with no agreement. I guess he called his dad because 20 minutes after we left he called and said he would agree to the proposed arrangement. Then he tried to guilt trip me and said he wouldn't be able to afford his house once he started paying child support so he would probably have to move. Sorry, not sorry.

So we will go back soon hopefully and sign the papers and be done. Hopefully. I think his dad talked some sense into him.

I feel a little relief, I'll feel even more once the papers are signed.

Just thought I would share!

LexieCat

Good, glad you're making progress.

Hugs, keep us posted!

redatlanta

I guess reminding him at this point that it didn't have to be this way wouldn't help the situation.

Too bad he chose lifestyle over relationship/child.

You sound good - happy to hear his dad is a help rather than hindrance.

lizatola

Wow, I heard nearly the exact same things when we were in mediation, too. I have to pay for a roof over my head, blah blah blah......My response: And, I don't?

And, just like you, I'll feel some relief when we actually get papers signed so I can move on with my life. Hugs to you. I know how hard this process can be as I'm walking through it myself now.

lillamy

I'm glad the mediator seems to have his head screwed on straight.

And let me rant about this thing with child support for a moment: Why would a parent, any parent, think that supporting their children is secondary to their own comfort? If the kids lived with him full time, he would pay WAY more to feed, clothe, and support them than a court will deem the correct amount of child support to pay you. Because child support never covers all the expenses you have for a kid. And as the custodial parent, YOU have to adapt your lifestyle to what you can afford as well. It's not like you're eating caviar and drinking champagne for the pittances you get in child support.

Or maybe I'm just bitter because I'm not getting a penny anymore...

dandylion

I'll bet that h is dad is, at least, smart enough to know that if this has to go to court that he will get less of what he desires. He probably told his son to "shut up and co-operate".
(I am imagining)...

dandylion

Refiner

Great progress, Blossum! Geeze... between your and Liz' STBXAH's seflishness during mediation when it comes to child support. What self-centered jerks, they are.

biminiblue

Good for you.

I love "sorry not sorry."

Blossom717

Thanks! I'm worried he will change his mind again. He's now saying he doesn't have the necessary imformation to prove his pay. He is saying he will just bring a note in form his employer stating his salary. He got paid scale pay on a gov't job last year and he doesn't want them to go by that.

He is also saying the only day he can go back to mediation is next Friday on the 28th. Our court date is the 2nd....the Monday after.

I hope he doesn't decide to do something crazy. I was feeling some relief this morning, but now I just feel drained.

Fandy

I think you may be seeing his true colors again. he doesn't want to pay what he should, he will try every trick in the book. He never paid while you were living together or after you left either, he will owe $$ from the date of separation.

he doesn't much CARE that you have been struggling and moved in with your mother, but he is so worried about his house?

I think that after he starts having to pay on a regular basis through wage garnishment, he won't be wanting as much time with your daughter.

I do remember that my Xhusband won about 3k in the daily lotto and the state sent the check to ME because he was behind in payments...same with any income tax refunds.

Blossom717

Fandy - That is excellent karma - the lotto thing!

He asked me while we were in there "how much" did I want. I honestly just it to be calculated fairly, and he pay what the court deems fit. He doesn't want to pay that much because he knows its going to cut into his activities.

I can't believe some parents. "parents." I would give up anything for dd, I will make sure she is fed before I am. I will take her to the doctor before I take me. He will only do these things if it fits into his schedule.

Fandy

he MUST provide health insurance for her also, you should not have to worry about having $$ to take her to the doctor.

I had my divorce settlement pay support until my daughter was emancipated (finished with school), it did not stop at age 18, because as the kids get older the expenses actually increase. (car insurance, activities, clothing, school and college tuition).

unfortunately, everything stopped around age 26, and he died when she was 29. at age 34 I think she is still taking some grad school classes, but has those student loans out.

ladyscribbler

My ex tried that cr@p too. Trying to "wheel and deal" during the child support hearing. It made him look like an idiot because there's a formula they follow based on income, etc. The mediator kept suggesting that he go down to a temp agency and try to find a job if he needed money that badly, actually gave him the address, lol.
Have you checked into Medicaid for your daughter? Both my sons are covered for medical and dental. That was actually the reason I had to go after child support, because our son was on Medicaid and my ex wasn't contributing anything.
Also something to think about getting in writing- claiming your dd as a dependent on income taxes. My ex tried that last year and ended up having to go to the IRS office for an investigation and pay back the money he'd gotten. He tried to say that he and I had an "arrangement" where he didn't pay any child support and got to claim our son as a dependent for his taxes. (Delusional alcoholic thinking at its finest). Yeah, they didn't buy it either.

lizatola

If you read my thread you will see that I mentioned that my AH (during mediation) said, "What about me? What about MY needs?" He said this after I had tears welling up in my eyes trying to be very clear about the fact that we need to do what is best for our son. My AH is trying the same cr*p. Oh, woes me, I won't have any money left. Yet, he's the one with the full time job, the insurance, the house (after he buys me out), and an inheritance from his parents which will have a substantial amount left even after he pays me for my half the equity from the house. It's just ridiculous!

Hugs to you! It will get better for both of us....I truly believe that!

theuncertainty

I bet hearing that helped you breathe a bit easier. I would have. I'm right there with Lillamy about the child support thing. My rant would be a lot longer, and less polite, though, so I'm trying to rein it in. (But, then, I've just entered into the latest round of the state playing catch-me-if-you-can with AXH.) When we were in the divorce/custody process AXH seriously thought that if he dropped legal custody, then he wouldn't have to pay any support, which is why he voluntarily conceded it to me. Schmuck.

One question that came to mind is: How can he not have documents to show what he's making? He's asking his employer for a note, so he's not self-employed. He should have paystubs showing the current rate or at least bank statements showing what is deposited. Or something.

((((Hugs)))) Blossom. There is absolutely no way to predict what crazy stuff he may or may not try to pull, so try not to worry. (Easier said than done, I know.) I'd just make sure I have my proposed plan outlined and documents and info pulled together and ready to go to support why it's the best plan for Little Blossom, just in case he does pull something stupid to throw of the mediation process.

theuncertainty

Like Ladyscribbler mentioned, child support is based on calculations, not what you want, so he can't negotiate it down. What he can do, and what I suspect he's already thinking of trying since he 'doesn't have' the necessary info to prove his income, is try to falsify what he makes. I'd personally insist that he bring whatever proof of income he does have, even if it shows the old pay, along with the 'note'. Especially if this change in pay was so recent that he doesn't have proof of the new rate.

Florence

Make sure the mediator is aware of these shenanigans. When you go to court, the court will be interested that the reason that you don't have an agreement yet is that babydaddy is hedging, and acting elusive, evasive, and manipulative.

If he tries to talk to you about it, you might mention that to him too. It always jerked my ex's head around.

Where I live, it's actually just not that much. Each of my children's fathers pays about $300-350 per child. That's a big monthly bill, for sure, but it's nowhere near even half of what the actual costs of raising a child are. So they huffed and puffed about it, but the equation is what it is.