I saw HIM today
 

Don't get me wrong- I'm not going to act on this feeling- but I do need to discuss it.

I met AH tonight- I had dinner with him while the kids went to youth group.

I saw HIM. The man I fell in love with. I know it is probably the vacuum- but I had posted previously that this jail thing did do *something* to him. He hasn't been the same since. Hitting meetings EVERY day- meditating, regular counseling and CD counseling.

He came after me ( via text) the other day...the "who, what when, where" questions and that DID tick me off, but he quickly recognized the behavior and made amends.

He does state he wants to come home, but he understands and has not blamed me at all for calling the police on him. I don't feel ANY resentment from him for doing that.

And then tonight- it was just GOOD company, ya know? I actually ENJOYED myself. I drove home with a smile.

I know, I know...this is not going to be long-lasting. I'm not moved enough by it to get "hope". I'm just observing my own feelings to this.


In other news- that 19 year old kid I mentioned a few threads ago-- will NOT leave me alone. He flirts with me CONSTANTLY! I was flattered at first, but now I'm just like- really? I mean this kid has even gone so far to say that we could have an affair and keep it quiet.......uh.......

re the 19year old who will "keep an affair" quiet. really? It might be flattering to you but I can guarantee you it's just a notch in his bedpost. he's full of hormones and knows you're hurting and in need of a little "comforting". Do not go there!

Please give yourself time to heal, get some balance in your life. I hope you're getting some counseling for yourself. You deserve a lot better than you've had!

Love from Lenina

FTS, so glad he's behaving like a human being. It's an advertisement for letting A's feel the consequences of their addictions.
The main danger, which I'm sure you're aware of, is of the processes of sobriety, learning to handle irrational jealousy, and other adjustments don't happen overnight and he needs to be away from the family to keep working on it. Why? Because we tend to revert to our old habits once we're back in the old circumstances.

Yes, I'm married and have 5 kids...going there is NOT an issue--

freetosmile...remember the Rod Stewart song..."Maggie Mae".....LOL! That song just popped into my head when I was reading your post.

dandylion

Free....you enjoyed yourself and you are smiling. I'd say that you deserve that happy feeling.
Glad you were able to have a nice evening.

Alcoholics can and do recover.

It takes a lot of work and help, but like you saw, he is different.

The million dollar question is can he stay different?

Time will tell and only time. Nothing else.

Don't let your heart rule your head on this one.

Is he sponsored and taking the steps?

ha! Gotta love Rod

Red flashing lights. *danger* *danger*

free, this man is still sick, and still very dangerous to you. Every time you see him, you will be assessing how he "seems." And we KNOW how he can "seem"--he seemed "better" after rehab, too. And now he seems "better" after jail and a few meetings. He is FAR from being "better" in the sense that you can be safe with him. It just doesn't happen that fast.

It took me, and most sober alcoholics I know, close to a year before my thinking was pretty well straightened out. He's got all this abuse/mental health stuff going on, as well.

The thing about seeing him during this process is that he can put on a good "face" for you for brief periods. He's hopeful he can convince you to let him come home. He isn't on his own, where the real test happens--how well are you living when nobody's watching? How committed are you, really, to sobriety? Because as long as he's got this goal of coming home, he figures he can "relax" once he gets there.

Just because he didn't interrogate you during dinner, when he's on his best behavior (and it didn't go over well last time he did it), doesn't mean he's stopped thinking that way, that he's not checking up on you in less obvious ways.

I think meeting him for dinner dates is a bad, bad idea. As always, it's your choice, but I think it is putting you in a vulnerable place.

Thanks lex. Your probably right. I will pray on this . I can always count on you to be my voice of caution.

at least.
with some serious counselling to learn how to LIVE sober.

tread carefully FTS. :)

free....one of the things that I have noticed in alcoholics, as the are beginning to truly get into recovery, is that they seem to have a sense of what they NEED to protect their recovery....and, they put that as their top priority.
They might say that "I miss my family"....but, they also say "I need time away from old people and places" right now to maintain my sobriety. They seem to get it....
They recognize the need for delayed gratification if that will help their sobriety...
I don't hear him saying that (from your post)....I suspect that his chief goal is to get back home.

When people are into more solid recovery...it begins to show

dandylion

Try and keep the focus on you, Free.

If you were to meet some random (none 19 year old) dude right now, and he was extremely charming. Would you, right now, after all that's happened in the last few weeks, in the last few years, jump into a relationship with him?

For all that you think you know your husband, even you have to admit he's putting his best foot forward. As are you for that matter. I'm not saying you're both strangers to each other, but, yeah... I'm kind of saying that. Or at least, that might be a good way to look at it.

Worst case scenario he's playing you for a fool. Best case scenario you are two people who both need to go through a lot of recovery. Either scenario means there's a lot of figuring out to do. Always good to ere on the side of caution in these situations. A lot of caution. Tons and tons of caution. Go invest in some yellow tape and orange traffic cones.

And while you're at it, wrap some of that yellow tape around the 19 year old.

haha I didn't even like dating 19yr old guys when I was 19!
eeps

I did something very similar to this after the big dramatic "get out and get help" initial blow up with my husband (here is my old post about it I'm like a moth to a flame). A few short weeks later I found myself shamelessly flirting with him. That big blow up didn't involve him getting physical with me like your circumstances did, but he told our then 2 year old that I was a ***** and a liar while he was blackout drunk and our poor daughter was terrified. He was reading the big book front to back to front and attending meetings daily…there has been lots of drinking since that time. Time really is the only thing that will show if recovery is what he is committed to and if I could go back and change anything, it would be that I would have been more respectful and protective of myself. I would have treated him the way he deserved to be treated. You aren't nice to people who recently tried to choke you. You aren't nice to people who tell your daughter that you're a *****.

We're all just cautionary tales for you because most of us have been here and lived scenarios very similar to yours.

I agree that he wants to get back into your home again and get "back to normal'. Hell, many of us take a LONG time to realize that we never had normal to begin with and what we really want to get back to is status quo. My husband had that big blow up in December 2013, was sober from Jan to May, I let him come back home and everything fell apart. That was my experience. I wish I would have slowed way down and valued my peace more and valued my own self more. A year, 2 years are a drop in the bucket if he is serious about being a changed man and it is going to take a LONG LONG LONG time to do that work.

Just my experience. Take what you like. Leave the rest.

Hey girlie-- I didn't read the previous posts, but I'm sure you got some good input.

I just wanted to remind you to look back through your threads....please.

I have to do that sometimes when I think that things "aren't that bad".

They ARE. They WERE.


Hi Free! I copied and pasted the above. It was advice you gave to Butterfly.

Please read it and apply to you. :)

Alcoholics do recover. Heroin addicts recover. Oxycontin addicts recover.
Abusers don't.

Abusive men (and women) are very much like sex offenders: Their rate of recidivism is high enough that I personally would not trust one -- ever.

I've seen too many women get sucked back in by an abuser who cycles around to the sweetness and loveydoveyness again. One of them lived with me with her two kids for two weeks when I was in college because her boyfriend had tried to kill her, and she had nowhere else to go.

Remember the cycle of abuse. It always cycles back around.

Yep. I get it.

sure as hell doesn't make it easier though does it? I am focusing on me. I really am. Dinner was JUST dinner.

I spoke to my therapist about the reality of him getting well. I realize the statistics. I understand it is NOT going to happen.

it doesn't change my EMOTIONS, however. Which was what my thread was targeted at. I am lonely right now. I am sure he is counting on that. I am desperate for someone to help lighten my load...sorry guys but dv advocates, my therapist who is PAID to care, and my mom just don't cut it. That is the reality.

So, my resolve has not changed one bit. Yes, I AM vulnerable right now, absolutely. I am crumbling and have only Elmer glued myself together at this point, when what I need is super glue.

I don't know, I guess all I can say is...yep I agree with everyone and I truly am doing the best I can to stay true to myself, my kids, and AH. And when I say AH, I mean that in regards to saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I haven't promised him reconciliation or coming back to the house or anything. and with ALL that is going on and considering where I was a year ago... I feel like I AM making my stand. It may not be the way others would do it, but easy does it. Ya know?

thanks guys. I love all of you and I REALLY do listen to you and take in what you all say. I regard my SR friends above all else besides HP when it comes to addiction and abuse.

Free, you don't need him.

When I was desperately trying to leave my ex, someone told me, "There are worse things than being alone."

You have your kids. They are far and away better for you than this guy.

You are not weak. You really do not need him. Be careful.

Remember this, too. He is not the only source of comfort and companionship out there (and no, I'm not suggesting the college kids). There are mature, decent men who would LOVE to find someone as kind, compassionate, strong, and funny as you.

Not suggesting for a second that you should be out looking for one right now. But having the vision of that as a possible future consideration might make it a little easier to let go of this sad, damaging relationship that is not likely to ever give you what you need and deserve. Desperately holding on is no way to live.