Elis

I posted a couple weeks ago that my exABF was in the hospital on life support with pneumonia. Well, he pulled through and after two weeks in the hospital, he got out yesterday and is back to his normal self. Our daughter knew he was in the hospital but she didn't know details. She just turned 6 and I don't see the need to scare her. Here is the conversation he had with our daughter last Friday night:

Dad: I was in the hospital and almost died. Mommy didn't tell you?? Mommy didn't tell you that I almost died?

6yo: what???? <crying>

Dad: are you coming to see me tomorrow?

6yo: I have to ask Mommy

Dad: go ask her now

6yo: I will ask her later. I am talking to you

Dad: go ask her now

6yo: no, I am talking to you

Dad: Don't you want to see Daddy?

6yo: yes I do

Dad: then go ask your Mommy

6yo: but I am talking to you

Dad: if you wanted to see Daddy you would ask your Mommy now. I guess you never want to see Daddy again. Don't you love Daddy?

6yo hangs up phone and asks me "why does daddy say mean things and make me feel bad?"

What should I tell her? That's the way he is? I should add that per our custody agreement, he is only permitted to see her with a supervisor present and since he refuses to pay a supervisor, he rarely sees her.

Sungrl

What a jackass.

I don't have any advice. My kids are 25, 21, and 19. My xa is not their father.

That is a terrible thing to do to little girl. Others will offer excellent advice.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with that. I remember similar issues with AXH and DS - not the hospital and almost dying, but AXH just straight up lying or calling DS while he was drunk. This was when DS was between the ages of 4-7. AXH never really heard DS when he called drunk. Or at least he wasn't listening. DS would just say "OK. Bye." and hang up as his father continued to ramble or rant on.

I think letting your daughter know she can say good-bye - giving her that power - might help her.

I also told AXH that DS would be available for phone calls on certain days from x-y p.m. We had other stuff to take care of, too: homework, dinner, chores, bath-time, etc. I tried to make sure the times were when I knew I'd have time to hang with DS after so he could process the call and ask questions if he needed.

When DS asks me questions about his dad not showing, not calling, why is he mean, I leave it to what I know for certain: which would be, "I don't know why." It sometimes leads into long discussions about DS's feelings, or how he wants to be treated, or what he thinks would be the right thing; sometimes he just shrugs and goes off to play. Or sometimes he just needs hugs for a bit before he's off to play.

NWGRITS

What an a-hole. This is going to affect your daughter long-term, so I would suggest limiting her exposure to these types of conversations. They are inappropriate and damaging. You have every right to take the phone from her and hang up. Or teach her to hang up if he's making her uncomfortable. She should never be allowed to sit on the other end of his spewing. Ever. Document these conversations. Tell her the truth. Kids need the truth. You don't have to give the gory details, but tell her the truth.

zoso77

Kids can be pretty erudite at a young age.

No advice. God bless your daughter. She sounds like a gem.

Catherine628

Does your daughter know her dad is an alcoholic? I have a 6 year old and I worked with an addiction counselor on what to tell both my kids about their dad's alcoholism.

Both of my kids know that sometimes dad drinks and acts strange. We have practiced what they can do/say if he is making them uncomfortable.

There are some good books written for children. Maybe try Amazon or your library.

Sorry your daughter has to go through this.

LexieCat

Catherine's got a GREAT idea there. She is going to be dealing with her Dad for many years (unless Dad eventually DOES drink himself to death), and counseling would be a very, very good idea.

Elis

I have told her that if her Dad make her upset or uncomfortable, she has my permission to say "I am hanging up" and hang up the phone. This is what she did at the end of this conversation. Sometimes her Dad hangs up on her first. She is seeing a counselor once a week to talk about her Dad and other issues. She has started saying mean things to her friends at school and wondering why they get upset. I know she is modeling what her father does to her. When she asks me why he says mean things, I say "I don't know" because I really don't know. Part of me feels this is not enough of an answer but it is a true answer.

I have hundreds of pages documenting phone calls and text messages. I can tell you everytime he has called his daughter in the past year and a half. Thank you for the advice. I guess I am just looking for support. I don't have anyone close to me who truly understands what I am dealing with. This group has helped me so much!

biminiblue

You could have all phone conversations be on speaker.

They can be scheduled so you will be at home and able to listen privately. It is your right to discontinue any conversation that is upsetting to a six year old. She shouldn't have to make that decision.

With that said, he's probably not going to become a great communicator any time soon, so counseling is a really good idea.

LexieCat

Just wanted to give you a friendly heads-up--be sure you aren't recording any of the phone calls without his knowledge. As I understand it, Florida is a two-party consent state for recording, so it's illegal to record someone without their knowledge.

I'm not suggesting you've done that, but I just wanted to say something in case that occurred to you.