onanon

Hi there - I recently posted in the New members section, and was pointed here. I have replicated my post below for those interested in my story.

"I am a 25 year old woman, living with my 30 year old boyfriend of 2 years. I wish to remain as anonymous as possible, because I am ashamed of myself for sharing personal information about my partner and my relationship without his knowledge. I am in a very confusing place, and I hope you can listen to my story and offer some perspective and advice.

I have never been a drinker, which makes it difficult for me to understand why my partner turns to alcohol. I drink maybe one night every 5 months, with friends or family. In contrast, my boyfriend has been drinking regularly since his early teens.

What follows is my concerns and incidents I believe to be indicative of alcohol addiction/dependence.

When we met, I noticed he liked to drink alcohol during the day which I thought was unusual at first, but then chalked it up to being a 'man thing', and a way to de-stress from work. After getting to know him better, I found drank every day and occasionally (sometimes often) would get really drunk and loud. At these times he seemed to be a different person - inviting me over only to ignore me and sit at the computer playing music and drinking. He would also be aggressive (something I confessed to liking during intimacy- albeit when both parties are sober and consenting!) and when I complained or told him to reign it in a little would only reply with something along the lines of 'But I thought you liked that?' and then continue a few minutes later. A few times I am embarrassed to admit I was frightened, although he never hurt me seriously. This kind of thing went on for a few months. I do not remember if I truly let him know how much it bothered me at that time. I must have mentioned it, but my memory is hazy.

The first turning point happened after a night out on the town. We had been invited out with my family - my aunts, father, sister, mother and cousins were there. He had already had a few drinks when we left the house (I remember thinking: 'fair enough - he has not met my family many times yet and he is probably nervous. A few drinks might help break the ice'). However after a couple more drinks, he is making comments about my aunts' breasts, yelling and dancing and grabbing me sexually in front of my parents. When a friend of the family arrives, he very obviously flirts with her right in front of me, leaving me trying my best not to cry. Afterwards we head to another pub. My uncle, who suffers from anxiety and does not often come to family gatherings as a result, was not feeling too great. Cue my boyfriend grinding against him and coaxing him to dance/ shoving him. My uncle shoves him back, hard, and I decide that it is a great time to drag my boyfriend away. I am so angry and upset by now - I ask him not to drink any more, I am looking him right in the eyes and pleading with him. He looks right back at me before proceeding to order another drink. I am really upset now, and I rush off to the ladies toilets as I can feel tears welling up. Whilst I am in the stall, I hear retching coming from the stall next door, and it is of course my boyfriend, who is vomiting. I clean the stall and help him out of the toilets - unfortunately the security guard had seen us coming out of the ladies toilets and I must explain what happened. He informs me he is escorting us out of the side door, but gives me time to discreetly let my family know we are leaving (I do not explain what has happened, only that we are leaving to 'get food') before helping me guide him out the door. I apologise profusely. The rest of the night involves me trying my best to help my stumbling boyfriend into a taxi, home and upstairs into bed. The next day, he does not remember any of it. I sure let him know though (although not all of the details) and he is very remorseful, driven to tears. He promises me he will not do anything like that again.

Since that night, I have felt torn between the love I have for my sober boyfriend and the disgust and anger I feel when he has had too much to drink. I am terrified of something like that happening again. For the next few months, he truly does cut down on the beer.

The next problem arises when we have both had a drink - I think it was his birthday or something - and he becomes too aggressive again. I tell him to ease off, which he does at first, but continues a few moments later. I do not want to make him out to be a bad man here - I know he is doing it because I do like it at times. But it feels like he does not know his own strength, and isn't taking my 'safe words' seriously because he is drunk. The next day in addition to bruises on my arms, I have bruises by my eye and on my cheek, which I try my best to cover up and feel great embarrassment about. tell him my concerns and he promises not to do it again.

He cuts down on the beer again. We move in together, and the first few months seem great. I do not think he is drinking. All is going okay until he gets drunk while we are celebrating my birthday. We go to bed, but I wake up to an awful smell. He has had an upset stomach, but has been so drunk as to have gone in the bedroom on the carpet... In this instance I was so sympathetic to any embarrassment he might have felt, I did not show anger. I helped him clean up and assured him it would be okay. I have a talk the day after and he promises me it will be the last time. Through tears, I feel forced to say that if there is another time, it will certainly be the last, as I will have to leave him. I am terrified of the next time... I love this man to bits and leaving him would be the most painful thing I could ever experience. I told him I did not want him to drink any more. This was approximately 5 months ago. The following weeks appear 'dry' again.

After spilling the above and reading it to myself, I'm scared he sounds like a bad man - but he truly isn't. I feel that the drink turns him into a completely different person. I hate it.

Recently (since about 2 months), I notice he is drinking and hiding it. Maybe 4 or 5 beers a day, not every day but certainly at least 3 days a week.

Last night, I had a chat to him about the recent alcohol consumption. He told me he felt 'tied down' not being able to have a drink, and would like to be able to have a normal amount to relax after work. I truly sympathise - I feel awful every time I feel like I need to ask him not to drink, as I am taking away his autonomy. Last night I told him he can drink, so long as he tells me about it and does not keep it a secret. He tells me he just wants me to trust him. Well that was last night and today when I returned home from a tea with friends, I noticed he seemed to be hiding something (he has a nervous smile), and I saw he was carrying a bag which 'clinked' when he put it down. I did not mention anything but asked if he was going to have a drink today. He said 'no'. After he had head to work, I noticed receipts in the bin and even though I felt awful disrupting his privacy, I dug them out and read them. There was one dated today with 4 cans of beer and a cider on it, in addition to ones from earlier on in the week with beer.

I do not know what to do. Is it okay for this amount to be drunk or will it lead to the horrible behaviour in the past? Am I being too controlling? I don't want to lose what we have. Please help."

Maybe there are many more of you in the same boat. I hope we can share strength and support.

SparkleKitty

Welcome, Onanon. You are in a safe place.

There are indeed many of us who have been or are where you are. I myself lived with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend (XABF) for several months before I determined it was time for me to move on. He didn't have a problem with his drinking, but I sure did. I didn't like the distant, disconnected person he was when he was drinking and smoking pot.

Alcoholism is a progressive condition; if left untreated, it will get worse, not better. Alcoholics cannot moderate like "normal" drinkers, not for very long. First and foremost, in order to treat the alcoholism, the alcoholic must want to recover. More than they want anything else. It does not appear that your boyfriend, at this time, has any intention of giving up drinking entirely, much less seeking true recovery.

I am concerned about his aggressive behavior towards you, though. I understand that it is complicated when dealing with someone you care about, but I hope you are able to keep yourself safe as you move forward in understanding your situation and your relationship. We are here to listen and support you however you need.

onanon

Thank you, SparkleKitty - what a lovely dog in your avatar

I keep telling myself if he is aggressive again, I will just have to leave him. I hope it won't come to that, or if it does, I will have the strength to go through with it.

Seren

Welcome, onanon!

It's true, you story is not unusual here. Many people can relate to what you have described.

I hope that you will take a moment to read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

You may find that you relate to it very well...

SadInTX

onanon,
I am currently living with my AH and I can relate. Except I have never told him to "cut down" his drinking. It is just a waste of my time and energy. He used to go to AA and he knows he drinks too much, just won't do anything about it. Until he hits "rock bottom" your ABF will continue. He has to want to change. I am at the point where I tell myself if he doesn't want to totally stop drinking then this is how I am going to live my life until I make the decision to change me (where I live, our relationship).
The blackouts..mine has those too...he will go on and on about our relationship, how he was mistreated in his past marriage, how bad his childhood was, and so on...and then not remember anything what he talked about the next day.
My AH started calling me names...verbally abuse me..now I think it is more emotional abuse...then it has even gotten to physical abuse...I was in complete denial...still am in a way because I want to believe he is not like that...how could I love someone that hurts me? My heart breaks for you...I know how it feels...keep posting. Thanks for sharing.

SparkleKitty

Thanks, my friend. That's my ol' girl, who passed away a couple of years ago, but saw me through a lot of tough times. I miss her, but love seeing her when I come here.

When I was with my XABF it was always a lot easier to focus on him and his behaviors and how they were affecting me. But I didn't like how much power he had over how I was feeling. Before we broke up, I learned a lot about detaching from his behavior. It was empowering to be able to just go about my life whether he was drinking, not drinking, acting the fool, or what have you. It also helped me find the clarity to make decisions that were based on what he really was, rather than who I wished he would be.

It's exhausting to have your emotions all tied up in the actions of another person -- often the solution that brings the most immediate relief is counter to our best interests.

Have you ever been to Al-Anon? I understand how frightening it can be to open up about what is happening in your life, but sometimes, face-to-face support from people who understand is invaluable. I saw a therapist for many years to deal with the long-term effects of growing up with an alcoholic mother and severely codependent father. I learned a lot of unhealthy behaviors from their example that did not serve me well in my adult relationships, and often had me getting involved with emotionally stunted or unavailable people in an effort to repeat and "fix" the unhealthy relationships I saw in (and had with) my parents.

It's been a long road of recovery for me, but it was well worth it to have the peaceful life and loving (non-alcoholic) marriage that I have now. I learned that the most important and rewarding relationship of my life is the one that I built with myself. I wish the same for you.

Timeiskey

On-
I can relate to the aggressive nature that you referenced here. My exABF was never physically abusive when we were together, but when he was quite intoxicated, he seemed to forget his own strength. It got to the point where I would keep a certain distance from him when he was obviously drunk- only because he had a tendency to want to grab me up and hug and rub on me. However, he is a big guy and when drunk, could easily snatch me up and leave bruises. I don't define that as abuse but some might. However, it was not acceptable no matter how it is defined.
Definitely keep posting, reading, and sharing. Try Al Anon. Keep your eyes open and start asking yourself questions about what is acceptable.
I also asked my ex to limit his alcoholic intake- to moderate- and that was the end of our relationship. Once I threatened the alcohol, every loving thing that had been promised went right out the window. You see, I didn't cause him to drink, I couldn't control his drinking, and I darn sure couldn't cure it. Keep reading Big hugs.

onanon

Thank you for your stories SadInTX and SparkleKitty. It breaks my heart to know others are going through the same.

Pets are a wonderful source of comfort, I'm sure she loved you very much :-). I certainly feel that sometimes my emotions are entirely dependant on my bf. And sadly I don't have pets to cheer me up. It's a very lonely time when I feel that he is drinking and lying to me.

SadInTX, I truly wish you the best. I am here if you ever need to talk. I know how powerless and lonely you might be feeling x

onanon

I am warming up to the idea of Al Anon. Thank you everyone, keep sharing :-)

And Seren somehow I managed to miss your post! It was a very interesting read. Are you Cymraeg by any chance? :-)

LexieCat

The physical aggression is scary. I don't know, based on what you've written, whether he is actually abusive (alcohol can be an excuse for acting out abusive tendencies that are normally kept under wraps) or if things just don't register when he's been drinking. It doesn't matter much, though, in terms of your being physically and emotionally injured.

I wanted to comment, too, on this business of trying to control his drinking. Alcoholics will make all the promises in the world, and even when they have every intention of keeping them, they won't. They can't--not as long as they are still drinking.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. This is going to get worse--maybe MUCH worse--until he decides he is done with drinking for good and willing to do the very hard work of getting sober and staying that way. And right now, there is no indication he is remotely interested in that. And the lying and secretly drinking are very much a part of the disease. He will never be honest about it--he can't afford to.

At 25, you have your whole life ahead of you. I hate to see you squandering your youth on a relationship like this--there is no happiness ahead for you if you continue on with this man.

Seren

Ancestry of such for me and my husband....who speaks fluently and probably has one of the largest privately-owned collection of books in the language!

Thomas45

What you outlined certainly fits the definition of alcohol addiction. I'm going to make a list of quotes from your post to show the telltale signs:

I would tend to agree with what LexieCat said. He's incapable of moderating his own drinking because he simply does not want to stop. He said it himself. He will hide his drinking if he has to, and he will lie to you about the extent of his drinking if he has to. When he's drinking, he isn't respecting your boundaries - even after embarrassing you in front of your family.

When people get 'blackout drunk', they are fully aware of themselves and their surroundings at the time, but the brain is simply incapable of passing their current senses on to the part of the brain responsible for memory. Hence the lack of recollection the next day. When you think about it, he's able to drink so much alcohol that even though parts of his brain are being turned off, his body is still running on autopilot because his body's cells are so accustomed to the presence of alcohol in his system.

Even if he's a sweet guy when he's sober, the thing you have to be careful about is that alcoholism is progressive. He is an alcoholic, there is no doubt of that. If he isn't willing to address that his drinking is causing problems in his life, and doesn't take the right steps to solve it for himself, it will only progress further and you'll end up seeing less and less of that sweet guy, and more and more of the abusive one.

NWGRITS

You're young and you have no legal connections to this man. I'm going to second the recommendation to hightail it in the other direction. The only thing ahead of you if you don't is pure misery. Life with an active alcoholic is its own hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He's not ready to stop drinking and he's told you as much. Run.