am I asking too much?
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am I asking too much?
When we first started dating (while I was trying to understand how bad the drinking problem was), we started seeing each other by meeting at half way locations from our homes, which led to his wanting me to come to his home, which became a habit. We'd go out, with me driving, did family oriented things (which I love), I loved his family. He does not live close. After seeing how the drinking was not improving and some anger outburst, I withdrew and stopped coming. He said he was very hurt and wanted to start over. I do love him; the kind, sweet side of him, but the "drinker" was the problem. I agreed to keep talking. As a way to “start over”, I said that I wanted him to come see me and stay sober when together. He always had an excuse, but he’d say that he’s planning on it. I think that he figured that the longer he held off, I’d eventually cave in and everything would return to the way it was; with me doing all the driving. I realized that he can't do it, because he needs the drink and he won't drive if he’s been drinking (which is every time I’ve seen him).
If we start over again, I thought, maybe he could show me that he wants to stop drinking (which seems to be getting a little better) and he'd start driving and seeing me, instead of me doing all the work. I need to know if we can have a normal relationship, where he can be sober, where he can drive more than me, where he can take me out on dates. I’m looking for a future; he seems to be interested in the now. He gets angry at me and says he needs intimacy (which stopped after our semi-breakup). I’m offended because I feel that he doesn’t want to see me, unless there’s going to be sex, which makes me back away even more. He doesn’t seem to get it. He will send me romantic things, cards, etc, which softens me up, but then I wonder, is he just trying to get me to stop asking for what I want and do what he wants instead. I’m so in limbo.
As I’ve said before, I forget what normal is. I start to question myself. Does it sound like I’m asking too much? Would quality marriage material guys act this way? Would they be mad about the lack of sex, because I want to develop something real to see if it works? I don’t want to fall back into a pattern going nowhere. I’m wishing to see the possibilities/hoping for a turnaround. Should I stand my ground on this and allow him to step up to the plate if he wants this to work?
If we start over again, I thought, maybe he could show me that he wants to stop drinking (which seems to be getting a little better) and he'd start driving and seeing me, instead of me doing all the work. I need to know if we can have a normal relationship, where he can be sober, where he can drive more than me, where he can take me out on dates. I’m looking for a future; he seems to be interested in the now. He gets angry at me and says he needs intimacy (which stopped after our semi-breakup). I’m offended because I feel that he doesn’t want to see me, unless there’s going to be sex, which makes me back away even more. He doesn’t seem to get it. He will send me romantic things, cards, etc, which softens me up, but then I wonder, is he just trying to get me to stop asking for what I want and do what he wants instead. I’m so in limbo.
As I’ve said before, I forget what normal is. I start to question myself. Does it sound like I’m asking too much? Would quality marriage material guys act this way? Would they be mad about the lack of sex, because I want to develop something real to see if it works? I don’t want to fall back into a pattern going nowhere. I’m wishing to see the possibilities/hoping for a turnaround. Should I stand my ground on this and allow him to step up to the plate if he wants this to work?
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I wonder, is he just trying to get me to stop asking for what I want and do what he wants instead?
Yes. Nothing about his behavior suggests that you are a priority in his life. All of his behavior and choices right now revolve around preserving and protecting his ability to drink.
Would quality marriage material guys act this way?
No.
I don’t want to fall back into a pattern going nowhere. I’m wishing to see the possibilities/hoping for a turnaround.
Then you need to accept him exactly as he is right now and not let yourself get wrapped up in what you think his potential is. You're not going to be happy until he changes into the man you think he can be. He's not going to be happy unless you go along with his drinking and whatever else he wants.
Yes. Nothing about his behavior suggests that you are a priority in his life. All of his behavior and choices right now revolve around preserving and protecting his ability to drink.
Would quality marriage material guys act this way?
No.
I don’t want to fall back into a pattern going nowhere. I’m wishing to see the possibilities/hoping for a turnaround.
Then you need to accept him exactly as he is right now and not let yourself get wrapped up in what you think his potential is. You're not going to be happy until he changes into the man you think he can be. He's not going to be happy unless you go along with his drinking and whatever else he wants.
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Originally Posted by carmen303 
As a way to “start over”, I said that I wanted him to come see me and stay sober when together. He always had an excuse, but he’d say that he’s planning on it. I realized that he can't do it, because he needs the drink and he won't drive if he’s been drinking (which is every time I’ve seen him).
I need to know if we can have a normal relationship, where he can be sober
I’m offended because I feel that he doesn’t want to see me, unless there’s going to be sex, which makes me back away even more. He doesn’t seem to get it.
I forget what normal is.
I need to know if we can have a normal relationship, where he can be sober
I’m offended because I feel that he doesn’t want to see me, unless there’s going to be sex, which makes me back away even more. He doesn’t seem to get it.
I forget what normal is.
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He wants to drink, and he wants to get laid. He will say and do whatever to accomplish those two simultaneous goals.
There is ZERO chance that you will have the kind of relationship you want with this guy. There won't be any turn-around, unless it is by you. And there you will be, in a miserable relationship as a caretaker to a selfish alcoholic.
As time goes by, you will no longer see the "kind, sweet side" of him, but you will keep REMEMBERING what you once saw, and keep hanging in, hoping to see that again. Not likely.
There is ZERO chance that you will have the kind of relationship you want with this guy. There won't be any turn-around, unless it is by you. And there you will be, in a miserable relationship as a caretaker to a selfish alcoholic.
As time goes by, you will no longer see the "kind, sweet side" of him, but you will keep REMEMBERING what you once saw, and keep hanging in, hoping to see that again. Not likely.
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I just read in a post here, where it was mentioned that it would be so much easier if the A was always behaving badly. The hard part is the periods of kindness and friendship that seem possible (by phone anyway).
When I last saw him, I was so upset. After not seeing him for awhile, I dropped by briefly for NYE (he was expecting me), only to see him already drunk. I was so disappointed. I didn't stay very long. I had even said, please don't use this holiday for an excuse to drink more.
I'm still waiting for that day, where I can see him, off the phone, in person and sober enough to drive, visit and see me (without an agenda). He's getting upset with me, because I won't bend and come see him.
When I last saw him, I was so upset. After not seeing him for awhile, I dropped by briefly for NYE (he was expecting me), only to see him already drunk. I was so disappointed. I didn't stay very long. I had even said, please don't use this holiday for an excuse to drink more.
I'm still waiting for that day, where I can see him, off the phone, in person and sober enough to drive, visit and see me (without an agenda). He's getting upset with me, because I won't bend and come see him.
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Originally Posted by carmen303
I'm still waiting for that day, where I can see him, off the phone, in person and sober enough to drive, visit and see me (without an agenda).
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p.s. oddly enough, he is able to maintain some kind of sobriety at work, be very professional and drive to work. I think it must be hard; at the end of the work day, I think he has to get something to drink fast, so that is why he can't see me afterwards. At work he seems very sober; no one would know. I don't know how he holds out that long.
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Hi Refiner, I feel stuck. I feel guilty considering anyone else, because he says he loves me so much and we have long, nice conversations and laugh and I almost forget the problem that's keeping us apart.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I held it together all day at work, and I came home and drank my brains out. I couldn't ever meet anyone anywhere because I wasn't fit to drive after a few minutes at home. I'm glad he's not driving drunk--so far that's the only redeeming quality I've seen.
He can go on this way for a long, long time. You would have liked talking with me on the phone, too, if you were a guy. You wouldn't have wanted to be in a relationship with me, though.
He can go on this way for a long, long time. You would have liked talking with me on the phone, too, if you were a guy. You wouldn't have wanted to be in a relationship with me, though.
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Carmen...words without actions to back it up are just that...words--empty words.
I can definitely promise you if it is kindness and laughter and friendship that you like...you can find that in sober men, also. sober men who are capable of making you a priority.
***there are more sober men in the population than drunks....way more.
dandylion
p.s. I can certify that the above statements are correct.
I can definitely promise you if it is kindness and laughter and friendship that you like...you can find that in sober men, also. sober men who are capable of making you a priority.
***there are more sober men in the population than drunks....way more.
dandylion
p.s. I can certify that the above statements are correct.
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In a joking way, he referred to me as a "crybaby that won't grow up", who has "crazy thoughts". I guess growing up means to accept all this.
Dandy, the times you've told me "words without action" is what I've been paying attention to. I haven't budged from my end, until I see him take action and he hasn't. I think he's trying, but can't follow through.
Dandy, the times you've told me "words without action" is what I've been paying attention to. I haven't budged from my end, until I see him take action and he hasn't. I think he's trying, but can't follow through.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Carmen, that's interesting that YOU would feel guilt, of all things. Why would you feel guilty in moving on because he chooses drink over you?
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No, you aren't asking too much, everything everyone has said is true and on point. II'm not judging you for I am in a very similar situation but I am passed the delusion that it will get better. I have accepted that it does not. I am only 3 years into this, some are 40+ years and I can not even imagine. Get out while you still can.
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Originally Posted by carmen303
most nights he's been slurring words by 8pm...there has been less of that; he's sounding more sober.
Instead of endlessly analyzing him and his words and his potential, it might be more productive to turn that energy to yourself. Are you in Alanon, or doing any kind of counseling? I didn't start healing until I stopped trying to figure out my ex and started working on myself, asking why I put up with so much unacceptable behavior.
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