Soberintexas007

I think I wouldn't be so devastated if he was to leave me at this time. I would miss him, but I also would not miss being on guard anymore when he is drinking. But I am sure there would still be a grieving process.

Kboys

I'm sorry Justbreathe. I can sooo relate to all of what you posted. It sucks.

Take care of YOU!!!

dandylion

Justbreathe...there is a book that is often recommended by others on this site: "From Abandonment to Healing". You might find it interesting.
You don't have to go through a divorce, you know. I know some people who haven't lived together for many years..and, are still married...!

dandylion

zoso77

But going through what you're going through now isn't?

Sometimes...actually, a lot of times life just isn't fair. And we're given a pair of choices that really suck.

What you have learned thus far is trying to control how much an alcoholic drinks is kind of like trying to find a forest fire in Yosemite with only a single bucket of water.

If you decide to stay with him, that fire will eventually consume you.

If you decide to divorce him, then that is a different sort of pain which also sucks. It induces feelings that are uncomfortable. We question our self worth. We question whether or not the divorce is our fault. We have to face the prospect of being alone for the short term...

...but...while the divorce process is painful, what you gain is your freedom. Which, if you think about it, you've never really lost.

We all have the right to make decisions that are in our best interests when our well being is in jeopardy. You haven't lost that right. Passivity is also a choice. To quote the Rush song "Freewill", if you choose not to decide/you still have made a choice.

And I can assure you, there are worse things in life than being alone...

Hawks

How long were you alcoholically drinking in this marriage JB?

SeriousKarma

Thanks JB. I was just remembering a relationship I had when I was a teenager. It was my first boyfriend. He was a very nice guy, but very needy. I didn't have any relationship experience, but I knew after about 6 months that he wasn't for me. Still, it took me another year and a half to figure out how to break up with him. I laugh about it now, but I was so young, and it was so hard. It was wrong of him to burden me with his happiness, and wrong of me to take on the burden.

I remember waking up the morning after we finally split, looking at the sun coming through the window, and feeling this amazing sense of relief.

I didn't have any ill thoughts towards him. It was just to much stress to carry.

As always JB, sending you thoughts of strength, clarity, and serenity.

hopeful4

JB...even if you don't want to, I think the grieving process will start anyways, or at least it did for me. By the time I actually separated I was through so much of it because I already knew what it would come to.

I am sorry my friend. Keep doing the things that give you fulfillment, that is very very important.

XXX

LemonGirl

You know... this struck a cord with me. Having a present partner.... I think I have been afraid of that, actually. Really? Someone into me?

That's just.... weird. lol

JB, Sparklekitty is absolutely right though! You DO deserve someone who is present. Someone who is there for this ride called life with you, and not on some other dimensional plane of existence.... even though you're right there next to him. I think it would behoove to take these times when he is checked out, and go check yourself into something else that you enjoy.

Soberintexas007

Not too much. Out of the 5 years we have been married, I probably drank alcoholically about six months (A few relapses of a couple months each followed by continuous sobriety)

Hawks

Sounds like it impaired your judgement enough to get married to this guy.

Is it time to acknowledge that and move on?

It's not fair on either of you to drag it on and on.

If your hearts not in it and it sounds like it's not.

Soberintexas007

Thank you all for your feedback - I have taken it all in. Just got back from my husband's work party. We had a nice time tonight, even though he drank about 7 beers in 3 hours. You never know what his mood will be. Tonight it was a bit sloppy - he broke his cell phone holder attachment when walking out, so we will have to buy a new one tomorrow for him. Of course I was the designated driver, or else I don't know what he would do. What else bugs me is that when he drinks a lot, he becomes a spender and wants to buy this and that, this and that. Tonight he told me he was getting tired of the weed my cousin's husband gives him for a very affordable deal, and that he wants a better quality. Other times he wants a newer iphone, even though we already have iphone 5s's that are very new. When we go grocery shopping and he is drunk, he wants to buy the whole store. It is so frustrating, as we are on a budget, even though we do spend a lot as you can tell from my posts. But my point is that he wants to REALLY spend when he is drinking, and that would be too much for us.

Soberintexas007

I wasn't drinking when I married him, and neither was he. He relapsed a couple years into the marriage.

FeelingGreat

JB, he's systematically broken through all the limits you've put on him that it's only a matter of time before he starts drinking during the week. I remember you saying something along the lines of 'as long as he doesn't get obnoxious', but now that's happening right on schedule. I really honour your attempt at keeping it sane, but time has shown you all your efforts won't help if he doesn't want to stop drinking. I know his feeling because I was a drinker once, and having my wine was all I thought about. I just looked forward to it so much. Only stopping for good worked, but coming to that conclusion took years.

I know you're looking forward to the cruise but do you think it's a good idea? You'll have no chance of controlling his drinking, and chances are you'll be stuck with a belligerent partner and you can't get away. Think carefully please because it could be a disaster.

kudzujean

I can relate.

"We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."

kudzujean

Please read this over carefully. Pretend a close friend or your sister wrote it. What would you think about that?

Eauchiche

When my mate and I separated last year, his MINIMUM was 6 beers per day.

All I can say, is that the AlAnon friends I have who live with their RECOVERING mates go through a lot. To live with someone that is using is pure hell. I drank too, just to deal with it.

You don't have to make big decisions right now about the future, like divorce. But, it would be helpful for you to think of other options like living apart.

jarp

I'd say this is a sign of escalation. His constant weed smoking isn't enough so he is adding back his beers on weekends. Now that's not quite enough so he's seeking stronger weed. Then that wont be enough so he'll add in drinking during the week. Then that wont be enough....

I hope this isn't gong where it looks like it is. But when my RAH's addiction escalated I did get to the point where I started planning for my own future...and I am bloody glad I did.

SeriousKarma

Amen!

I didn't, and I'm kicking myself now.

JB, do you have an exit plan just in case? I know you're concerned about his spending. Could you separate your finances, or at least part of them?

Soberintexas007

The finances are separated, I have definitely done that.

My exit plan is pretty much that I will move back in with my parents if I felt I needed to.

bird13

I may have dated the future version of your AH. When I met my A-exbf in 2010 he was drinking only lightly 1 or 2 nights during the week, and on fri/sat. socially. Then it went to just weekends when he realized it was ruining us. However, he does looove to smoke that pot and was doing that every day. Eventually, the drinking escalated with it and it just turned into blacking out three times a week, drinking most of the week except for 2-3 days AND smoking pot all the while.. He was like your AH, drinking ave of 6 beers in a sitting. Nuts.

At the point I left him could not go 4 nights straight without drinking. This clearly progressed despite all my efforts and now he looks like he is going to drop dead any day now.

I started to prepare myself that last six months as I saw we couldn't get through a week without a major issue of puking, blacking out, or us fighting. Those things used to happen 1x/month and ended up being twice a week.. yuck. He got to work though always on time. I think you should start preparing yourself now, detach emotionally, learn to just stop expecting the good and it to improve and start to think about how you can manage your feelings, have a plan b if you need one for every situation with him, and stay calm and expect him to do whatever he wants as long as he is still drinking. Im sorry.:-( I relate to the spending thing too. Thank you for sharing that b/c I never made the connection but always was so worried about that and noticed it as well.

Start forming another life outside of this marriage that keeps you independently engaged and that you find happiness in. You will need it to lean on for strength and be grateful you did as his drinking escalates and the wackiness gets worse.

Sending you positive thoughts tonight.