Getting it all lined up
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Getting it all lined up
So.... surgery is next week. AH is still living in the motel.
I've arranged for a DV advocate to drive me home from the hospital. That is HUMILATING, but whatever. I'll do what I must. gag
I know, you all will tell me not to be humliated by it-- but any of us would, I think. I mean, do you know what questions I am going to get from the nurses? Oh well. This isn't the most embarrassed I've ever been.
AH saw my notecard that dandy suggested I write (some of the names he's called me/events that have happened) to remind me of my goals and WHY I'm making a stand here. I keep it in my wallet, and it fell out at the gas station where we met the other day.
He asked me to throw it away- I said I wasn't ready to do that. He said I wasn't any of those things and those were all of HIS insecurities being thrown at me. I didn't do anything but agree......I kept the card.
Mom IS coming down--
I know... I need the help. But she is just not that much help. She is messy, mean to some of my kids and super nice to others, and did I mention that she is messy?
I think I was slightly underestimating the recovery time for this thing. The mayo clinic stated about two weeks before I can even lift my BACKPACK.
So... DV will drive me home, mom will be down for a few days, and then I'm on my own.
My 14 year old daughter left a voicemail with AH at 1 a.m the other morning. He showed it to me at the gas station. It said how she knew she wasn't being a very good support to him, but she wanted him to know that he was the best dad ever and she loved him so much.....
This is the girl who REFUSES to talk about her feelings and when she does, it's ALL anger. This is the girl who said she didn't want to live with her dad and wanted to lock him up in a mental institution.... hmmm. Weird.
I feel ok today, I think. I'm scared to go to bed tonight because of my stupid dreams...I hate sleeping alone, but I'm getting used to it I guess.
I'm rambling now....the point of this thread was to comment on how I am slowly but surely getting my act together for this hysterectomy, how I'm still standing my ground with AH, and how weird my daughter has been acting lately.
I've arranged for a DV advocate to drive me home from the hospital. That is HUMILATING, but whatever. I'll do what I must. gag
I know, you all will tell me not to be humliated by it-- but any of us would, I think. I mean, do you know what questions I am going to get from the nurses? Oh well. This isn't the most embarrassed I've ever been.
AH saw my notecard that dandy suggested I write (some of the names he's called me/events that have happened) to remind me of my goals and WHY I'm making a stand here. I keep it in my wallet, and it fell out at the gas station where we met the other day.
He asked me to throw it away- I said I wasn't ready to do that. He said I wasn't any of those things and those were all of HIS insecurities being thrown at me. I didn't do anything but agree......I kept the card.
Mom IS coming down--
I know... I need the help. But she is just not that much help. She is messy, mean to some of my kids and super nice to others, and did I mention that she is messy?
I think I was slightly underestimating the recovery time for this thing. The mayo clinic stated about two weeks before I can even lift my BACKPACK.
So... DV will drive me home, mom will be down for a few days, and then I'm on my own.
My 14 year old daughter left a voicemail with AH at 1 a.m the other morning. He showed it to me at the gas station. It said how she knew she wasn't being a very good support to him, but she wanted him to know that he was the best dad ever and she loved him so much.....
This is the girl who REFUSES to talk about her feelings and when she does, it's ALL anger. This is the girl who said she didn't want to live with her dad and wanted to lock him up in a mental institution.... hmmm. Weird.
I feel ok today, I think. I'm scared to go to bed tonight because of my stupid dreams...I hate sleeping alone, but I'm getting used to it I guess.
I'm rambling now....the point of this thread was to comment on how I am slowly but surely getting my act together for this hysterectomy, how I'm still standing my ground with AH, and how weird my daughter has been acting lately.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hugs, hugs, hugs. One step at a time, and you're doing that.
Your mom will only be there for a few days, and that will help when you are feeling the worst, despite whatever ridiculousity she brings with her. It won't cause any permanent damage to anyone.
Your daughter sounds very confused. Sounds as if she may feel obligated to take care of her dad and is feeling guilty. On the other hand, having raised one daughter and two stepdaughters, age 14 girls are generally a very hard age to mother in any circumstances.
In three weeks, you'll be through the worst of this. That's only 21 days, only 20 as of tomorrow.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
Your mom will only be there for a few days, and that will help when you are feeling the worst, despite whatever ridiculousity she brings with her. It won't cause any permanent damage to anyone.
Your daughter sounds very confused. Sounds as if she may feel obligated to take care of her dad and is feeling guilty. On the other hand, having raised one daughter and two stepdaughters, age 14 girls are generally a very hard age to mother in any circumstances.
In three weeks, you'll be through the worst of this. That's only 21 days, only 20 as of tomorrow.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I am sure the sweet DV lady understands privacy. I bet there is nothing to worry about here. What a blessing you have that as an option so let it bless you!
I know your mom is a bit of a thorn, but thankfully it will be only for a few days. If all she messes up is the house, then that will be a success.
Your 14 yr old, is, well, 14. He's her dad -- good, bad, and ugly. I know as cruel as my parents could be I still loved them because I didn't know any different. Now that I do know different, I still love them. Try not to dwell on that. She has to work thru it and do her own growing.
I'm proud of you for putting this all together! You've been brave and done things that you didn't think were possible. You ARE an inspiration to me and so many others -- hugs!
I'll be praying for you before bed that you don't have nightmares, hon. I hope your night is full of peace!
I know your mom is a bit of a thorn, but thankfully it will be only for a few days. If all she messes up is the house, then that will be a success.
Your 14 yr old, is, well, 14. He's her dad -- good, bad, and ugly. I know as cruel as my parents could be I still loved them because I didn't know any different. Now that I do know different, I still love them. Try not to dwell on that. She has to work thru it and do her own growing.
I'm proud of you for putting this all together! You've been brave and done things that you didn't think were possible. You ARE an inspiration to me and so many others -- hugs!
I'll be praying for you before bed that you don't have nightmares, hon. I hope your night is full of peace!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
FTS..... slowly but surely you are making it through, one day at a time!
And your daughter.... she probably has more hope than you do. I think just being there for her, no matter what her mood is, is probably best... in addition to her knowing what is acceptable behavior from a partner, of course....
Wishing you wellness and luck!
As for the dreams...? I have them too
And your daughter.... she probably has more hope than you do. I think just being there for her, no matter what her mood is, is probably best... in addition to her knowing what is acceptable behavior from a partner, of course....
Wishing you wellness and luck!
As for the dreams...? I have them too
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
free...Katchie makes a good point...kids love their parents...even when they are very angry with them. She is probably just being ambivalent--just like we, as adults, often are.
I hear people, here, saying, all the time--"I hate my husband for how he is treating me, but I still love him".
Remember that her brain still has about 8 more years of development to grow (at least).
At 14 she may not have the verbal ability and the life experience to express how she is feeling, much of the time.
Even though they may LOOK more like adults...they are still growing kids...
I think you are doing a great job of organizing and lining up your wagons...it's all about the priorities....
dandylion
I hear people, here, saying, all the time--"I hate my husband for how he is treating me, but I still love him".
Remember that her brain still has about 8 more years of development to grow (at least).
At 14 she may not have the verbal ability and the life experience to express how she is feeling, much of the time.
Even though they may LOOK more like adults...they are still growing kids...
I think you are doing a great job of organizing and lining up your wagons...it's all about the priorities....
dandylion
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hugs free and wishing you all the best for your op.
Good for you for standing your ground, your doing great.
In relation to your daughter, my daughter is the same States she hates him, all I get is anger, doesn't say anything to himwhen he lets her down but gets angry with me, says she gets annoyed when he sends her drunken text messages but still says she loves him. She is angry and confused she wants her dad to be dad again and not the alcoholic who walked out. She feels safe taking her anger out on me, I won't react the way he did, I won't accept it anymore but won't shout at her how he did.
I could be wrong but your daughter may feel the same she loves her dad but is angry with him and when she feels dad and misses the dad he was that may be when she has texted him to say she loves him, she may also think that by telling him she will help him.
Hugs free it's not an easy time for you again be gentle on yourself you have so much going on right now.
Good for you for standing your ground, your doing great.
In relation to your daughter, my daughter is the same States she hates him, all I get is anger, doesn't say anything to himwhen he lets her down but gets angry with me, says she gets annoyed when he sends her drunken text messages but still says she loves him. She is angry and confused she wants her dad to be dad again and not the alcoholic who walked out. She feels safe taking her anger out on me, I won't react the way he did, I won't accept it anymore but won't shout at her how he did.
I could be wrong but your daughter may feel the same she loves her dad but is angry with him and when she feels dad and misses the dad he was that may be when she has texted him to say she loves him, she may also think that by telling him she will help him.
Hugs free it's not an easy time for you again be gentle on yourself you have so much going on right now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
free, I'm just climbing on the bandwagon here with everyone else. I think you are doing AWESOMELY. You'll survive your mom's "help" and I think you've put together the very best plan you possibly can.
Your daughter isn't being "weird"--she is probably trying to be supportive to him. You said when he was in jail she was saying how she both loved and hated him.
If you get questions from the nurses, be aware that it is pretty standard protocol for them to ask questions such as, "Do you feel safe at home?" They are supposed to ask questions like that of all their patients to be sure they aren't sending them home to an abusive situation. I recommend you be honest with them. You can say you are in an abusive situation but you are safe and have someone to help you post-surgery. You might want to ask them not to give any of your medical info to your husband.
Hugs, hang in there! Very proud of you, and yes, this too shall pass.
Your daughter isn't being "weird"--she is probably trying to be supportive to him. You said when he was in jail she was saying how she both loved and hated him.
If you get questions from the nurses, be aware that it is pretty standard protocol for them to ask questions such as, "Do you feel safe at home?" They are supposed to ask questions like that of all their patients to be sure they aren't sending them home to an abusive situation. I recommend you be honest with them. You can say you are in an abusive situation but you are safe and have someone to help you post-surgery. You might want to ask them not to give any of your medical info to your husband.
Hugs, hang in there! Very proud of you, and yes, this too shall pass.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job taking care of your needs and your children's needs, free! Frankly, if I were going through everything you have gone through lately, I'd be a puddle. Adding my hugs and prayers to the rest!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
Free, I had two c-sections (from belly button down) and a full hysterectomy. Figure about two weeks to feeling human again and walking relatively freely. After that the healing comes much more quickly. After 5 days I was up and moving pretty well, but still feeling like I was gonna come apart. You can do this. I'm living proof. You have kids that can help pick up the slack at home (get a horse whip?? LOL) ASK for them to help. I'm sure they will be wanting to help as its something they CAN do to help you feel better. Time to stock up on hamburger helper and frozen veggies. EASY food. Even young kids can handle that much. Hugs to you and those little blessings you call kids~
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
There's no way that this is the oddest thing those nurses will have run across in their professional careers; I'm positive of that.
The DV advocate giving you a ride exists because there is a need for this kind of service - you aren't embellishing your story in order to get free benefits, so nothing to be embarrassed about there either.
What you are feeling is discomfort, IMO - it was physically uncomfortable for me to start actually asking for & accepting help. I seriously thought I would choke on the words at first & then still felt out of place in the company of my "rescuers". I felt judged (it was self-judgment); I felt inadequate (it was my ego learning to take a back seat), I felt out of control (too bad, right? lol).
It's also a weird tug of war, isn't it? On one hand you're learning to let go & detach & not depend on the qualifier in your life & OTOH, you're learning how to develop a comfort level in depending on others in your support circle. Kinda contradictory, emotionally.
I was about your DD's age when my AF was arrested in a very public display for his drug trafficking & abuse & I absolutely loved & hated him, simultaneously. I understand what she's going through & I'm sure her own feelings & opinions bounce around a lot in any given day. ((((((hugs))))))
The DV advocate giving you a ride exists because there is a need for this kind of service - you aren't embellishing your story in order to get free benefits, so nothing to be embarrassed about there either.
What you are feeling is discomfort, IMO - it was physically uncomfortable for me to start actually asking for & accepting help. I seriously thought I would choke on the words at first & then still felt out of place in the company of my "rescuers". I felt judged (it was self-judgment); I felt inadequate (it was my ego learning to take a back seat), I felt out of control (too bad, right? lol).
It's also a weird tug of war, isn't it? On one hand you're learning to let go & detach & not depend on the qualifier in your life & OTOH, you're learning how to develop a comfort level in depending on others in your support circle. Kinda contradictory, emotionally.
I was about your DD's age when my AF was arrested in a very public display for his drug trafficking & abuse & I absolutely loved & hated him, simultaneously. I understand what she's going through & I'm sure her own feelings & opinions bounce around a lot in any given day. ((((((hugs))))))
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