walkinganewpath

So he's "in a bad place". I know it - physically, mentally, emotionally, he's exhausted. He's telling me he just can't do it anymore. Has said he has enough for one more try (ok honestly he's only done inpatient rehab once...his other 'trys' have been him white knuckling at home.)

Interestingly he said that 'all that other stuff' hurts so much. That I could relate to - it hurts to dig that stuff out and lay it out in the open. I'm in the same place as far as that portion of detox/recovery is concerned. But it's the WHY that we all need to get to and figure out how to work with and get past.

He has said he will do anything except 'go away' again. I think he needs medically supervised detox and at least some type of 'intensive out patient' therapy. There is a mental health/drug/alcohol center nearby. They do it all and it's 20 minutes away. Affiliated with the local hospital and was where he was supposed to go when he returned from rehab but didn't.

He's crying to me for help and talking all kinds of 'sh&^'. I have decided that I am going to call the center tonite and ask if we can get an appointment with a physician/counselor whatever tomorrow. If he's asking for help I can lead him to it, introduce him to the option. I know I can't make him accept it or work it. But lately he has been so defeated, he says often that he can't believe how helpless he feels, that he should be able to spend a day at home not drinking...he just seems so almost stripped of it all. I don't know if it's bottom but it is surely raw, open and needy - which might be where he needs to be.

I think I'm doing right by making this appointment for him and holding his hand to get there. After that I will let him step forward alone with the knowledge that I'm cheering for him but that he needs help doing this and I'm not the one to help. I can and will encourage but that I need to take care of me and kids.

I know I am still hopeful...it all hurts so bad when I lose hope. But I am also knowledgeable enough on what we are facing to know the odds are slim. I still have so much work to do on myself. Have been feeling ever so small lately, so diminished from all I used to be and all I wished for myself.
But right now I really need to push him to do this....it's the only time I have ever done it...and from what he said if this doesn't work he's done. I don't really know what he means by that but I can't go there for a myriad of reasons that are right.

Ok I'm going to stop rambling. Kids need showers and to read before bed. Need to pull myself together for the rest of tonite - lol yeah right

dandylion

walkinganewpath...I don't see a problem with you making the appointment..if you are willing to. What he does with it is completely up to him...as you already know.

You don't have to be a cheering section, though. He will have others in the facility/program to give him what he needs. He will also have AA to supply what he needs every day...!! You are not even equipped to give him what others can.
If he REALLY wants recovery..he will have a whole community of people who will rally around him!!!!!!!!!!

I think that what you do for your recovery and the welfare of the children is what will make a difference to you in the big picture.
You have no control over him...he will do what he is going to do....

dandylion

LemonGirl

Hi NewPath! This sounds heart wrenching and seems as if it could hurt you if your hopes are not fulfilled...? I think it is great to offer this support at this time. All I could say is to not forget your own needs through this, and to allow him to make this choice to go. And if he fails and decides differently, you'll have to detach and know it is his choice. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, I guess....

Recovering2

Having been down this road MANY times, I would just caution you about taking care of things for him. He can make the appointment just as easily as you can. It's important, if the A is serious, that they do the work to seek help instead of letting others step in and do it for them. Even though you're both in this, it is truly HIS journey. The fact that he's saying all of this but is also stating he'll do anything "except..." might mean he's not totally there yet. When they get to true bottom...they will do anything. Period.
Do what you think is best, but let him do the work.

FireSprite

(((((hugs))))) I hear exhaustion in your post. (((((hugs)))))

I think it's awesome that he's talking about getting help! I also agree with Recovering about him making that phone call himself. It's essentially the first step to recovery right, asking for help?

Can you still cheer him on by encouraging him to pick up the phone & make arrangements & ride with him to treatment?

walkinganewpath

Hahaha...HP put me in my place. I called...they said I can't call for him they need to speak to him. If he wants to do this he will have to call.

Ok....I know I know I KNOW I can't do this for him. I just thought I could maybe help a little. So if he is still in the same place tomorrow morning I will offer him the number to call if he wants it, a ride there and a hand to hold while he waits if he asks. After that I know I need to let him go figure the rest. And I soo know I have a lot of work to do on myself for myself. He said things today that I can't even describe how broken I felt but also how much I realize that I really might have to do all this alone - that I really am going to lose him to this.

He has been sooo enabled all his life. His AM babyed and loved him to pieces. She actually told me when I married him that I needed to fix what she messed up. She died 6 years ago - breast to lung cancer, complicated by being a functioning alcoholic her whole life. Her other son - his half brother died at 47 from addictions.

Ok so for now the best I can do is pray, try to get enough sleep and energy to face tomorrow and then well see what is

Dave36

Came across this on new posts. I know this is for friends and family and I'm a recovering alcoholic. Hope it's ok to comment. I've been to detox before and am 50 days sober and doing well. My wife was very supportive of my recovery and made many phone calls and arrangements to help me get sober. It was a great help to me in my sobriety. For the life of me I have no idea why people are saying its not appropriate for you to call places for him. As long as he's serious about going there's nothing wrong with you doing what you can. You can't make him get sober but what's the harm in helping s little. He may keep drinking or maybe he'll really quit. All you can do is try.

Hawks

Stopping drinking is not a treatment for alcoholism.

It's not a well known thing, but he really has a "sober living problem ", alcohol is but a symptom.

So treatment centres are there to medically withdraw people but they are not there to give "sober living " lessons.

AA is all about a sober living program.

Suggest he gets into that post treatment

LexieCat

True. That "except" seems to me a dead giveaway. "As long as it's not too hard... or too inconvenient... or too expensive... or has the wrong kind of counselors... or the wrong kind of clientele..." He wants to get better, but not badly enough to make his own appointment or to accept any of your choices that don't suit him.

Somehow I get the feeling that he's already on his way to rationalizing the next drink. "I TRIED but it didn't work."

Dave36

Treatment centers are an introduction to AA philosophy. That's what they teach.

Hawks

Some do, some don't Dave.

I mentioned it because, like a lot of folks who have been dealing with alcoholism, they will think if they stop drinking, the problem is solved.

But it's just the beginning of a recovery.

auroraxborealis

My X's sister's BF (with me so far?) texted me a couple weeks ago asking if I knew of any detox and/or treatment centers so her BF could go. X had just gone to jail, and I think it was enough to scare the BF.

I sent her a list of treatment centers in and around the area, noted that NA and AA meet daily, and said from what I understand, if she was looking for him it may not work: he's gotta want it himself. She said he was the one asking, she was the one with the phone. They had gotten denied by the hospital he receives care at, and had run into dead ends because there were no beds available where they had tried.

The next week I sent her a text asking how he was doing, and if he found a place. She never wrote back.

On Valentine's Day, Facebook generously notified me that they were engaged (again).

My guess? X going to jail scared him. X is alive, and fine. Some time went by, and the BF is not scared anymore, so maybe it's not really that bad, and he's fine, and can stop anytime he wants. (Ok maybe that was too much, but you get the idea.)

walkinganewpath

Thank you for your perspective Dave and awesome job on your 50 days!! Keep it up. I hope someday my AH can say he's been sober for 50 days

walkinganewpath

He went to rehab where he 'stopped drinking' but he never followed through with actual recovery and drank within a week. This particular treatment center not only does medical detox they also have outpatient therapy, inpatient rehab, etc. He needs more than not drinking but he can't physically just quit - first he needs medical help with that. I have suggested both detox along with outpatient treatment/AA. I have been going to Al-Anon for about 5 months and I know he already sees it helping me. I know if he doesn't seek recovery/sober living he won't succeed. And he's all about escaping things that are painful so I don't know if he'll put himself through the recovery work to get there. But that's his deal

Thanks Hawks

Dave36

I was drinking so heavily I need medical help. It's not only very uncomfortable it can be dangerous. Plus he will be able to make better decisions with a clear head. I think there's something in the big book advocating detox if for nothing else it gives you a better perspective for decision making.

CodeJob

i hope he finds help he can accept Walking.

I'll warn you that the rewriting of history may make it all your fault anyway. (Periodically). Even though my RAH was alone with a counselor and called the rehab himself, Later on it was somehow my fault that he had to go to 'that place because he had no place else to go'. Making your addict taking the steps themselves frees you from taking on the blame for those decisions. Amusingly I was able to fire back that 60 days prior to that I HAD sat with him at an inpatient facility 4 miles from our house but he insisited we leave... I reminded him I was in the waiting room when he and the counselor decided to try a facility in some God forsaken state....

Amusingly, he was sober during all of this POST rehab squawking. Denial doesn't always disappear right away.

BUT, he is sober 22 mo. Inpatient definitely did give him tools and he did buckle down and learn them and he definitely uses them. He still has emotional issues IMO, but he might always have them or perhaps he will decide to work a deeper recovery.

Peace to you as this potential drama unfolds....

Hopeworks

Hi Dave36,

Welcome to our forum and congrats on your 50 days sober!

Every person is a individual and there are different levels of addiction and codependency. These forums are read by women who are in abusive and extremely toxic relationships as well as by women who are experiencing relatively new problems with husbands who have been healthy mates and responsible partners in their marriage. Many of us "oldtimers" here have experienced the more "toxic" relationships with extremely manipulative men who know every trick in the book to keep their enablers engaged and performing to the best of their ability to "save" their loved one.

I am 4 years out on a 4 year relationship with my XA who just had completed 4 months in a residential treatment program and was home with his mom 3 weeks and had gotten a car and a great job! His second day on the job he showed drunk as a coot showed his behind and the cops were called who took him to Mama where he cussed out and threated her husband. He was trespass warned and taken to a hotel and has now been in a drunken, drugged out state for another week.

That was his 7th residential treatment program and he has gotten as much as 8 months sober before picking up a drink. I jumped through every hoop and twisted myself into a pretzel for 4 very loooooooong miserable years to watch him do the same things over and over and over again to deliberately sabotage his recovery.

He goes to treatment to get his heart and liver healthy enough to go on his booze and drug binges and I am afraid that very soon I will be posting that he has left this earth in a drunken heap in a ditch somewhere.

Alcoholism is progressive and I now believe that my coddling, helping, making calls, begging, screaming, threatening and forcing him into recovery over and over and over again was killing him slowly just as the alcohol. It creates a false reality that there will always be a soft landing somewhere after the binge... somebody to pick up the pieces, hire the lawyers make the calls....

He is out of enablers. We are all mourning his slide into oblivion and eventual death... I regret my phone calls and interference into allowing him to find his bottom 8 years ago.

That's my story.... its not yours or anyone elses. We just share our own experience and suggest each person learn everything they can about addiction and pray for their own understanding and that their own HP help them make wise decisions that are best way to love someone when they are in addiction.

fluffyflea

How about him making the call himself.......

You know what I've been sober for 17 years one day at a time continuous sobriety. I've had to work my butt off for this and nobody called for me, nobody did anything for me. I had to hit my own bottom and make my calls.........

walkinganewpath

He made the phone call himself yesterday. They said they will have a detox bed today and will call him. It is a 7 day inpatient detox followed up with outpatient therapy and AA. He already told me he's not going and is once again trying to white knuckle it since yesterday afternoon. I need to stop reacting to his hysterics and stop trying to rescue someone who really needs to rescue themselves.

I got to a meeting yesterday. It wasn't a very good one but I did have a good conversation with one of the old timers after the meeting and got what I needed from that. Keep working on myself, keep detaching with love and realize that recovery is a long process. What he does or doesn't do isn't mine.

We did at least have some good conversation about sobriety, AA, refocusing/retraining/reprogramming the brain, triggers, etc. He said he always gets himself into trouble when he's alone. Said he needs supervision - I told him I can't do that for him. Of course the reason he drinks alone is probably because he can't figure out to how to be at peace with himself when alone.

So anyway - it ended up pretty much where you all figured it would - nowhere

GracieLou

I am sorry it did not turn out the way you had hoped.

He does not need supervision. He drinks when he is alone because he can. I preferred it alone. No one to watch, judge or comment on how I drank or how much I drank. All supervision would do is give him someone to blame later. "you were not watching me every second and every move I made so I drank!". He is a grown man, he needs to take responsibility for his own life.

He needs the gift of desperation but he has to want it to get it. He is not desperate enough yet to do anything it takes. He has not reached his bottom even though it may look and feel that way to you and maybe even to him, he is not there yet.

Conditions to sobriety is a big red flag. I don't want to do this or that, I won't do this or that. They have to be willing to do whatever it takes and with only one goal in mind, to remain sober.