pinkpeony

It's hard to stay living with AH.

Because lately he's been on good behavior, hasn't been out getting drunk or drinking to excess (for him anyhow) at home and it would be VERY easy to fall back in again. We've been getting along and I've found myself fighting the urge to cuddle up to him when he's sleeping.

He's wanting to have intimate relations lately too which I decline but it usually causes a problem/makes me feel bad.

I know it's just a matter of time before a crisis again.

My mom can't help, my brothers can't/won't help and that's all the people I have so I just sit here waiting until my daughter graduates.

I guess I can't complain right now other than being lonely and tempted.

SadInTX

Oh, I remember this with my XAH (and gambler). I would feel lonely, guilty, then maybe this could work...it wasn't so bad...and then something would happen and he would be drunk calling me names again..or stealing my debit card...I was miserable! What helped me during that time: I went to meetings, tried to stay busy. My kids were little (2 and 3) so I went to work and then came home and took care of my boys. I finally had the courage to kick him out when enough was enough. That was when I could finally breathe...I was at peace. Don't let your feelings of being lonely set you back. Write down all the things he has done to you and read that list over and over again. So sorry you are going through this. Maybe you can call a friend, get out of the house...something to get your mind off of it...

hopeful4

Pink, first off, you are so pretty!!!!

I think it's ok to make things as pleasant as possible as long as you don't fall into codie behaviors. I knew I would leave my X at least a year before. I still did family stuff with him, I did not ignore him or fight with him every second. That would have made me miserable.

I know it's a fine line, but I don't think it's healthy to make yourself miserable in a living situation you are in for the time being.

Tight Hugs my friend!!!

knowthetriggers

I am feeling the same, Doubting Thomas over here.

Hang tight my friend!

redatlanta

Pink great photo!!

While he is in somewhat good spirits how about you chat him up about fixing the car?

pinkpeony

Thanks for the compliments

As far as chatting him up about the car, there just isn't the money right now.
It needs to go to a Hyundai dealership to be fixed. He already put $300 into it.

I am going to ask about putting aside a little every payday towards it.
Although I do feel badly asking him for anything.

He basically wants me gone and is being nice enough to house and feed me so the subject of money is VERY touchy.

LexieCat

Pink,

Your picture is very nice. For your own safety, I'd urge you to take it down and use an avatar instead. You are living with a scary abuser who may very well check your computer history, and you do not need to make it easier for him to hunt you down. We've had people on this forum stalked and threatened. For your own sake, please stay safe.

Thumper

A day at a time Pink. Take the days at face value and keep your mind on the big picture. The good days are just that - a good day. Be thankful for it and move on to the next day. Do the best you can and keep all your supports open with your focus on the big picture.

and I agree - very pretty!

pinkpeony

Lexie, thanks for your concern, I'm not worried about it though.
That's not really his style, his MO is usually the path of least resistance. He usually avoids conflict at all costs.

Except of course when he's "mean drunk" but really, having my pic here doesn't concern me.

pinkpeony

Its hard for me, when the good days are here, I just want to act like a happy married couple and it would be easy to slip into that. Like wave the white flag and just act like "us" again.

Which, of course makes it that much harder when a crisis comes again. I know.

For me, in order to take action, I need to be MAD.
This just feels like I'm holding a grudge (I know that's not really what it is) but to "give in" would have me cast under his spell again and then the cycle starts all over.

My head knows this, my heart sometimes chooses to ignore....

hopeful4

I agree. Don't worry, even when you are feeling fine, when the time comes, you have educated yourself enough that you will be pi$$ed! There is no point in being mad day to day because that is toxic to you!!!!

zoso77

Well, that is a choice. It's a regrettable choice, but a choice nonetheless. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences?

pinkpeony

Zoso, I guess it's somewhat a choice.

Just trying to keep the status quo here until my girl is done with school.
I feel like that's what makes the most sense considering my circumstances right now.
It may not stay that way, but for now it's what makes sense for my daughter and I (and my dogs who are like children to me and very bonded to me)

I've done 20 years, I figure I can do 4 more months.
But I guess we'll see.

zoso77

Pink, if you can live with it, then OK. I still think you should have an escape hatch. The problem with living with someone in active alcoholism is it's not a static situation. There are always going to be moments when your safety and your sanity are compromised. Solicit the feedback of our members so you can plan a safe out if and when it becomes absolutely necessary.

Please be safe and keep us posted.

pinkpeony

I have it in my mind that the next time he becomes "mean drunk" and gets really verbally/emotionally abusive and is throwing things at me, punching holes in walls, ect,
then I AM going to call the police.

BUT then I think, would I be shooting myself in the foot? Because right now he's all I and my daughter have got to survive.......

pinkpeony

I wish he was an alcoholic that was always mean, abusive and nasty with no job and no redeeming qualities, it would make this all so much more clear & easier for me.

pinkpeony

Ha! We share a longggg country driveway with two female neighbors.
This part of KY just had a huge snowfall yesterday, we've been trapped in here.

AH shoveled out one of the neighbors cars and got her unstuck. He is working on shoveling the entire driveway.

My computer desk is front of the window that looks out into the driveway.

Neighbor girl just got back, gets out of her car and hands AH a bottle of whiskey and something else I couldn't see in a bag.

Sheesh.

LexieCat

That's assuming, of course, that you get a chance to do that. He might have you pinned down on the floor and be choking you already. If he is raging, you have to call the police BEFORE it gets to that point. Screaming at you and scaring you is reason enough to call. You don't have to wait until he hurts you.
Not true. There is all kinds of assistance available, but you are choosing, at this point, not to take advantage of them because your daughter doesn't want to have to move. Just sayin'. It isn't that you need him to survive.

Stung

I agree with Zoso that this is a choice you are making. There are what you deem acceptable choices (your family helping you or you driving away, which you state that neither are viable options) and then there are also resources available to you that you don't want to look into. If you can access this website then you can look into DV options in your area. I think Dandy has suggested contacting local churches (because they would absolutely come pick you up and drop you off so you could attend and use their resources as well). There are, in reality, many options. This is the one that you're choosing.

All of that said, it's also 100% your choice to do whatever you choose!

I'm just sending you a hug. Living with an active alcoholic is miserable.

He's just providing money. And drama. Honestly, you can find that stuff anywhere. It doesn't grow on trees but there are lots and lots and lots of organizations that help people get the green stuff. And if you find another way to get money without him…you might just find that you can live rather than just surviving.

pinkpeony

Do you all really think I should interrupt my daughter's senior year of high school and make her move to a new school with 4 months to go before she graduates?
Really? Because I think that would be downright awful to do to her. She has a lot of anxiety issues and I believe it would be a horrible thing to do to her.

It's not that she doesn't want to move, it's that I don't want to put her through that if it's not 100% necessary.

So, yes I guess it's a choice, but it's the lesser of the two evils at this time.

Besides throwing things at me, he's never been physically abusive.