Did he mean what he said?
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Did he mean what he said?
Did he mean what he said? Or was he just being mean. It's been a week since I last heard or talked to AH. I've signed papers and it am proceeding with a divorce. But I keep wondering was my whole marriage a lie? When he told me last week that there was no way to work things of and he only tolerated me for too many years really shook my world. I thought we had something good before his relapse. Now I don't know what to think
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Is he still on a relapse?
Was he drunk when he said those things?
Is he a dry drunk like I have ha ha ha
No of course he doesn't mean those things he's the one who has f Ed up so he has to make you the bad one.
Was he drunk when he said those things?
Is he a dry drunk like I have ha ha ha
No of course he doesn't mean those things he's the one who has f Ed up so he has to make you the bad one.
Originally Posted by cricket123 
Did he mean what he said? Or was he just being mean. It's been a week since I last heard or talked to AH. I've signed papers and it am proceeding with a divorce. But I keep wondering was my whole marriage a lie? When he told me last week that there was no way to work things of and he only tolerated me for too many years really shook my world. I thought we had something good before his relapse. Now I don't know what to think
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If he is still drinking he isnt playing with a full deck of cards and whatever he says should be taken with a grain of salt.
I'm sorry his words hurt you so much and I pray soon those words will no longer have this kind of power over you. You deserve so much more than the hurtful rants of a madman.
I'm sorry his words hurt you so much and I pray soon those words will no longer have this kind of power over you. You deserve so much more than the hurtful rants of a madman.
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Sweetie,
My AXH has called me the most atrocious things after the divorce (well, and during) and all the "it's all your fault" things he says only serves one purpose: to create a storyline where HE is the victim and has NO responsibility for the marriage breaking up (or, indeed, for anything else).
An addict who takes responsibility for the breakup of a marriage has to realize that his (or her) drinking is what caused the marriage to fall apart. And an addict who realizes that has to make a choice: Get help or keep drinking. It's much easier to never put yourself in a situation where you have to make that choice. Where you have to take that responsibility.
It's much easier to find something else, someone else to blame.
That's all it is. Got nothing to do with you, friend. Not a thing.
My AXH has called me the most atrocious things after the divorce (well, and during) and all the "it's all your fault" things he says only serves one purpose: to create a storyline where HE is the victim and has NO responsibility for the marriage breaking up (or, indeed, for anything else).
An addict who takes responsibility for the breakup of a marriage has to realize that his (or her) drinking is what caused the marriage to fall apart. And an addict who realizes that has to make a choice: Get help or keep drinking. It's much easier to never put yourself in a situation where you have to make that choice. Where you have to take that responsibility.
It's much easier to find something else, someone else to blame.
That's all it is. Got nothing to do with you, friend. Not a thing.
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cricket - You have your reality, your memories, your history and experiences. They are what they are, they are yours, and they are real. You do not need his validation.
An addict can not give you validation for anything because their mind twists reality and truths in order to justify and protect the addiction. In the same vane you can not take what they say personally or try to make sense of it because it isn't sane. Some people use the term cognitive dissonance. I like that term and it explains, in part, why the progression of the disease of addiction is so mystifying and why it will for sure make us crazy if we don't keep our own feet firmly planted in reality. Alcoholism changes the brain at an organic level so this dissonance can be quite astonishing. When I was married I was living in quite a bit of cognitive dissonance myself. I was hanging on to that fantasy in my head as being real but I was living quite a different reality.
From wiki - which isn't an authority but this is a pretty good generic definition: cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.
^^ an Alcoholic drinks away that discomfort and the dissonance increases - to further protect the addiction. Part of protecting the addiction is saying that anything that gets in the way of or threatens the addiction is wrong, to blame, didn't matter to begin with, etc.
You are in the way of his addiction. When he says those things it is the addiction protecting itself. It has nothing to do with you or the reality of your past.
Warm thoughts to you today.
An addict can not give you validation for anything because their mind twists reality and truths in order to justify and protect the addiction. In the same vane you can not take what they say personally or try to make sense of it because it isn't sane. Some people use the term cognitive dissonance. I like that term and it explains, in part, why the progression of the disease of addiction is so mystifying and why it will for sure make us crazy if we don't keep our own feet firmly planted in reality. Alcoholism changes the brain at an organic level so this dissonance can be quite astonishing. When I was married I was living in quite a bit of cognitive dissonance myself. I was hanging on to that fantasy in my head as being real but I was living quite a different reality.
From wiki - which isn't an authority but this is a pretty good generic definition: cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.
^^ an Alcoholic drinks away that discomfort and the dissonance increases - to further protect the addiction. Part of protecting the addiction is saying that anything that gets in the way of or threatens the addiction is wrong, to blame, didn't matter to begin with, etc.
You are in the way of his addiction. When he says those things it is the addiction protecting itself. It has nothing to do with you or the reality of your past.
Warm thoughts to you today.
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Still in relapse I never see him drink could of been drinking who knows. This is part of his mind set - you don't see me drink so it's not true grrr it is awful living with a mean manipulative drinker. My thought after our conversation was this is not the person I use to know and I'm not sure if he will ever be back ��
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Cricket, the dynamics have changed in your relationship with him. He is so uncaring and just. plain. mean. You kicked yourself for stopping the divorce proceedings. It's time for your new chapter to begin... for YOU, not for HIM/you. Are you still at your sister's?
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Yup at still at my sisters I don't want to put my 17 year old son through holding this dad back, I don't want to be screamed at because he can and if my presents around him at this point is causing so much trouble I need to stay away. Besides I don't want to be with someone who only tolerates me - I wanted a partner
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Originally Posted by cricket123
I don't want to be with someone who only tolerates me - I wanted a partner
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I doubt very much that he has just "tolerated" you for all this time ... who would deliberately put themselves thru that all those years? But right now he would be looking for a way to blame you for everything that is wrong, and hurt you in the bargain, and what better way than I being you down?
If it *is* true, you are doing him and yourself a favour by proceeding with a divorce. If it *isn't* true, he is being deliberately hurtful and you don't need that sh!t, so you're still doing yourself a favour by proceeding with a divorce. Win-win.
It's probably hard to see that now, though. Take care.
If it *is* true, you are doing him and yourself a favour by proceeding with a divorce. If it *isn't* true, he is being deliberately hurtful and you don't need that sh!t, so you're still doing yourself a favour by proceeding with a divorce. Win-win.
It's probably hard to see that now, though. Take care.
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And the other reason they say hurtful things is to avoid responsibility and accountability.
Originally Posted by cricket123
Did he mean what he said? Or was he just being mean. It's been a week since I last heard or talked to AH. I've signed papers and it am proceeding with a divorce. But I keep wondering was my whole marriage a lie? When he told me last week that there was no way to work things of and he only tolerated me for too many years really shook my world. I thought we had something good before his relapse. Now I don't know what to think
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Oh Cricket. My X goes from saying he hated me, to I was the love of his life, to he hates me now, and that he loves me now. I don't pay a bit of attention to any of it. Honestly, he is such a mess he does not even know how he feels.
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