hummingbird358

My son will be coming home from college tonight. His room is horrible. There are beer cans overflowing in the trashcans, etc.

Since he stated he is done with drinking (which I have heard before), do I clean it up before he gets home or let it there for him to see what he did?

I am thinking I am to leave it there because I am supposed to be detaching?

Refiner

In one word... NO. Do NOT clean it up. He needs to face up to what's been going on in his life. This will help solidify the mess HE made and if he truly wants to be done with drinking, he will clean it up... QUICKLY.

FeelingGreat

Tell him he needs to clean it up. You could have cockroaches breeding in there and after all it is your house. Are you and your husband on the same page about his drinking?

hummingbird358

It seems like my husband has finally realized it now. It is heartbreaking to see my son going through this. Literally rips my heart out that he has done this damage and feels no remorse. He has ruined so many things in his room over time, the car how many times, and I just don't think he thinks anything of it.

Hoping to have a talk with him tonight about getting professional help. He can't face this alone.

CodeJob

Small boundaries help you state big boundaries. You are asking an almost adult to clean his room. No different than when he was 3 and you taught him to do this by singing 'the clean up' song.

hopeful4

He caused it. It needs to be a step that he takes. You cannot protect him.

dandylion

hummingbird....my suggestion: Do not clean it up. Unless you are the maid..? (I don't think so..LOL!).

This is for yourself..and, yes, it is a part of the detaching process. Remember, that the detaching is primarily for you. (and, it also goes toward not enabling him). Do resist putting a cushion under him to protect him from the natural consequences of his actions.

Another suggestion that helped me: Don't do anything that a mother would do for a dependent child. Like, for instance---doing his laundry, preparing special foods, reminding him to wear a hat or scarf.... The parent's job is to prepare them to function as if you are not around.
This may be really hard for you to do, at first....

dandylion

fluffyflea

LEAVE IT THERE! It is his mess.........

Duckygirl1

If he were in a rehab, not only would he be expected to clean up his own mess, he would be expected to contribute to the entire household in a positive way aaaaaand be given a reasonable time period in which a chore is to be accomplished to a certain standard. Not wait a week and push everything under the bed. As has been mentioned, there could be bugs and whatnot.

sugarbear1

He needs to clean it up and do it himself with no help from anyone. He will now be responsible for keeping it clean and organized as this is his part for living there rent free.

Florence

Yet another double post.

Florence

Don't clean it up. Don't protect him from the consequences of his drinking. If he decides not to clean it up, consider what you will tolerate in your house and under what terms he's welcome to stay there.

Ten Ways Family Members Can Help

FeelingGreat

Firstly, now your husband is on board, use the opportunity to make a plan that you can both agree on, and present a united front.

Your attitude still seems to be about feeling sorry for your AS.

Does he have no remorse because he's never felt any consequences? He can make his room a rubbish tip, accept your hospitality, curse you, abuse his GF, drink excessively, refuse treatment and basically run riot, wreck the car, and nothing happens except he makes his mother cry.

Rather than have yet another talk, agree with your husband what you will or won't put up with, and stick to it. Remember you can teach a 2 year old to behave within certain bounds because you know that's necessary. Your AS has much more to lose than you if he doesn't learn to behave.