gabigoo

I know that many of you have SO who has asex addiction and maybe you can help me understand this one... My AH "snapped" one day and instead of coming home to play with our kids (3 y/o and 16 mo) he went to a strip club to drink. This was his first time going to a club and I have major issues with it. This incident was my AH "turning point" in his drinking and I am proud to say he is now 44 days clean. He says that he "snapped" and that is why he did what he did on that day. This was not his typical- he's an at home drinker.
So this is my problem- I have more of a problem that he went to the strip club and spent $1000 than the other events of that night. $150 to get into the Champagne Room and then $175/ lap dance plus all the alcohol he wanted. In all honesty, I am a very attractive woman. I am in pharmaceutical sales and I get hit on all the time in my work. Despite having 2 kids I am 5'4 at weigh maybe 105lbs. I was an athelete my whole life so I have a good body...which makes me wonder why the hell my AH went to strip club. These girls have nothing on me! Except for $1000 of mine!!! The few people I have told about him going think he was crazy b/c I take very good care of myself.
Anyway, the problem is that I know have that feeling of insecurity when we are intimate. I feel that I must lack something that he was looking for in these women- $175/ lap dance? I must be doing something wrong!! It has really been hard on me when we are intimate b/c all I can think of is him at the club with these girls and I wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. I recently told him my feelings and he felt really bad and apologized again for even going but it doen't take away my thoughts that if I satisfied him at home he would never have gone. Does anyone have any advice on getting past this? I am able to get past the fact he drank as much has he did for the past 9 years...but the strip club...It eats me up!!!

myles1

This has nothing to do with you, your A is sick and that's it. This is his thing, it has nothing to do with how you look or what you do, it has nothing to do with you at all. He is sick.


Ngaire

Yreva

I am with Myles1-- this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I know that is easy to hear and say, but hard to apply to your hurt ego and heart. My husband rarely EVER wanted to have sex- it has been a problem for us for almost our entire relationship...he was on anti-anxiety/depression medication, and drank too. I always felt hurt like it was something I wasn't doing right. I tried so hard to get his sexual affection....what I know now is that no matter what I did, it didn't change what he did.
Your husband did what he did- totally drunk...not for an excuse, but do you think he was thinking those women looked better than you?!? No way! He doesn't have to face the woman that he loved at that moment---someone (the stripper) didn't care that he was spending $1000 and didn't care that he was totally blitzed- they just wanted his money. For him it was the easy way out of his emotions and not having to face what he was doing at that moment.
You are not wrong here...I imagine you are a beautiful sexy woman, and don't you forget it. It would be hard to be with your husband after all the trust issues you two have been thru and to throw the strip club incident into the mix makes it all the worse. Talk to him and explain your doubts and insecurities. Keep your love for him in your mind during sex, not what he did in that stupid moment. Maybe work on feeling better yourself for a little while and let him know that sex is off the menu for a little bit, if that helps you. You have every right to feel bad and insecure about this, but try to remember---IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU...his addiction makes him sick. Hang in there! You are worth it...and you sound beautiful to me!! :-)

Di

best

A wife is a sweet loving caring person.
The shining knight (with tarnished suit of iron) would never ask the wife who is a mom to degrade herself and act like a striper. Now add alcohol and maybe some peer presure (friends who may go with you) $175 is nothing when your not thinking clearly. For some a strip club would be a novelty item (once or twice in a life time) for some it could be a weekly item and thus a issue. With him sober and you wanting to add some spice to things... talk it over with him or suprise him in small amounts.
It isn't you. It isn't what you do or don't do. It is a male thought process with alcohol added. The adding spice to things would be just that and may be something you both enjoy. Not a fill in for what isn't there but an addition to what is there.

myles1

Best,

For some reason I don't agree with you. I find things like strip clubs way out there so I'm not sure it's about adding "spice" to a marriage. That seems to put the responsibility on Gabigoo to "fix" things and I'm not sure it's hers to fix.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Ngaire

Ann

I also disagree with Best. This is truly nothing to do with you or how you look or perform. Visiting a strip club is NOT about adding spice to a marriage, it is about self-centred sexual gratification without any consideration for how it will affect others and without any respect for oneself.

It is about his addiction and his sick way of acting out. Don't take ownership of any of it, it's all his.

Your part in this is only to decide how YOU want to handle it. You can work through it and let it go, you can get angy and live in chaos, you can set boundaries on what you are willing or unwilling to accept in your life and your relationship.

You can't control what he does, but you can decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship that makes you feel betrayed and unworthy.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe

Amen to what Ann said. Amen twice.

gabigoo

Thank you all for your advice. I know that I have to deal and get on but that is easier said than done. But I've made it this far with my AH so I know this too will past when I take the time to take care of me!

Best- I know you have good intentions with your post and I appreciate you taking the time to help me. But I have to agree with the others that "spicing things up" is not the answer for me. I can honestly say that my AH and I have a healthy sex life. Even during his drinking we would still be intimate at least 2 times a week- which I consider to be good with 2 young kids around! And not to upset anyone or go to far... but sexually speaking we have always been open to each others pleasure. And I have never had any problem with his requests which is why the strip club is so repulsive to me.

I also believe that the "strip club" thing ends with the bachelor party- which he never did b/c he said he didn't want to? My AH has always known that this is something that I feel very strongly about and I will not change my opinion! Anyway, thanks again- I just need to deal and move on- it is just hard when we are intimate now b/c I feel that I should be different!

best

wait wait wait.... whoooooa wait *LOL*

I need to type more clearly.

NOOOO not go with him. ...Him not go at all.
The adding spice I was thinking of would be do a littlle dance with him at home.
His problems are things he needs to fix. My thought was when he stops dinking and is sober... not as a attempt to fix something that ISN't broken or an attempt to fix his problems either. Just a adding of a little spice to things at home.
I have been to such a place twice in my distant past. The first time my wife just asked....did you guys have a nice night?
The second time she asked...Why do you bother to go to such a place?
I had my answer... she doesn't like me going. Was the last time. No desire to go. Went with a group of guys and found I was more upset with the rules then anything else. 1 beer an hour minimum. Don't drink you need to go. House rules... get drunk, get stupid, give away all your money.
I can understand why some would go, I can't justify them going though.


*note to self..type out things a little better next time*

best

very good points.
and I would disagree with me on things as how you people took what I said.
That would be just plan wrong.

Magichappens

Any time someone seeks the attention of strangers in an inappropriate way, it is because they feel ashamed and have secrets. This makes them pull away from people who know them. They feel more ok with strangers than with loved ones. They feel that they can show this person their "good" side and that person will "like" them for a while, until they get to know them. This can lead to all sorts of marital problems.
That is the why of it. Only they can fix that. All we can do is realize that it isn't about us. We could be super models, they would still do this. It's about their shame and secrets. We can learn to detach, but we can't change them. Hugs, Magic

Ann

Best, I say this with love and respect because I have followed your posts and I know you mean well and that you have good recovery under your belt...okay?..."the little dance at home" infers that it is needed. Maybe we don't want to dance, maybe there are issues, maybe this infers that WE need to do something when it is THEY who have the problem.

My husband is neither A not codie, but I dance, Best, I dance when the music is right, I dance when there is love in my heart, and I dance when it is an intimate sharing of love between me and my partner...I NEVER dance to control anything, and I sure as heck don't dance to keep him home. It takes two to tango and I tango only when the music moves me and the rose has all it's thorns removed.

Hugs
Ann

Lorelai

Sweetie -
I know exactly how you feel. My AH has been going to strip clubs for how long?? how often??? still going??? I really don't know. He's not nearly as honest with me about it as your H appears to be. I know that he used to leave me and his two little girls on Sat. afternoon saying he was going to Home Depot, be gone for hours and come home drunk. I found out he was going to a strip bar in the middle of the afternoon by himself.

I've often wondered what the deal is. I always thought I was good to him in every way and, like you, don't feel like I'm unattractive. The only reason I can come up with is that the ladies there treat him like a king (with money). Probably, the drunker he gets, the better they like him (more money). Pretty much the opposite of home.

Low self esteem possibly. They can go there and are guaranteed that lots of pretty women will fawn all over them. A temporary ego fix.

Best - from my experience, spicing up your sex life doesn't work. I tried. I think it's something else entirely.
L

myles1

Best,

If my S.O went to a strip club he'd be dancing on his own after that.

There would be no reason for me to want to "dance" with him other than to "control" him and "fix" him.

That would go against all I have learnt in Alanon and most importantly would be a totally degrading thing for me to do.

I came to Alanon to stop dancing with people who are ill.

Ngaire

Gracey

My husband had an emotional affair with a women that was married with two kids and one on the way............yes she was six months pregnant with her husbands child.........When I found out about the affair...........I was so angry with him...how can he do this to me.............it has only been since April 19th when I found out..........I thought I wasnt good enough, I blamed myself for alot of what happened and what led him astray.........

I know now for sure it had nothing to do with me...........it was his own selfishness, it was his own self gratification..........this person was making him feel better, she was only a anti depressant for my husbands own insecurities.......she was safe.......he wasnt going to leave me for her......it was kinda like a high for him........someone to listen to his self absorved problems.........someone to feel sorry for him.......I feel that is the only thing that I may have stopped doing for him...........I have listened for 10 years to him complaining about everything.........and after ten years.......I didnt care to here the same old BS anymore........I didnt feel sorry for him anymore......I pretty much said to him...........(only you can do something about it) I wasnt his anti depressant any more........and I think he wanted someone who is going to try to constantly lift him up because he doesnt know how to do it himself.........he is not happy with the decisions he made for himself and he depends on someone else to solve his problems and lift his spirits constantly and when I didnt fill that role anymore, he had someone else fill it for him...........and add alcohol to the mix.............

I am still with him and I am trying to figure out why.........but I know for certain this affair had nothing to do with me..............it was all him...............

Zoey

Bree3 HI
You have good thinking.
I haven't kept up with your story, but at times I feel really really sorry for the male alcoholic, and men in general.

They usually talk to no one about the hurts in life, and they find alcohol helps anxiety, depression, aches and pains. men are not allowed by society to say "I need a Rx". that is not maucho, but alcohol is a big tuff man thing to do, then if we have some bad gene's, a few too many liquid Rx's. will tip us into alcoholism. When young the high is fun, NO pain etc.

I am both AA and Al-Anon and still confussed. The AA program is so great as it gives men an outlet to talk, to share. Females usually have girl friends to share with. (always exceptions) As Alcoholic female I felt i did not fit in the world, 2 left feet, stupid, anxiety bad. (But all are diff) My A sponcer was not super sensitive. In her case the drinks just insisted on more drinks.

Even now yet, I am feeling, "why did I write this.?" Sometimes I write, then do not send.
I maybe will send this one and think what the heck, HUGS clancy46

Zoey

BEST HI..
Let me say I want to hear your thoughts, I take what I can use and think about the rest. Thanks for posting. Course I have lots of AA under my belt. and yet still fragil.
I won't say "A female thing" as most females are strong smart people. Thanks clancy46
PS I loved my husbands laugh, and he laughed the hardest at a dirty joke, Also I understood, some men enjoy looking at beautiful naked women. I got him a magazine, as just felt, if thats what he enjoys why not. He looked at it in front of me. BUT I WOULD HAVE LOST IT IF HE HAD GONE TO STRIP CLUBS. And I have no idea what he did away from me. Prob best I did not know. (Each person and each couple are different, we all need to do what works for us)

teendoc

Gabigoo: I've been away from the board for a little bit so I didn't get a chance to offer you support. Since I have a SAH, and since I began attending S-Anon, any mention of strip clubs raises flags for me. I sincerely hope that his visiting this club was merely (as if one can truly say "merely") destructive addictive behavior that he is now working on. The only caveat I will say after my few S-Anon meetings is that alcohol addiction and sex addiction can and do co-exist. Many of the women there have alcoholic husbands but later came to discover that there was yet another addiction to cope with.

The sex addiction doesn't have to be outwardly directed as in strip clubs, affairs, or prostitutes. It can be found in online chats, porn websites etc. My SAH had a whole online porn addiction that I knew little about. It went deeper than I had ever imagined.

And as others have said, the behavior has nothing to do with your appearance or attractiveness. (This was the hardest lesson for me to learn.) It has to do with numbing or badly coping with emotions and feelings. It isn't about sexual intimacy. It is about a warped relationship with sexual material/arousal/or sex period. My husband loves me and thinks I am so beautiful and attractive. However, he has issues with sexual intimacy because he has spent so long with his onanism that he has disconnected the intimacy (or connection to the other person) from sexuality.

A guy I knew in med school who I now realize fits the bill as a sex addict would always run around on his girlfriend/fiancée, though he loved her tremendously. He explained that there was a rush from the pursuit of the sexual conquest. He got such a rush that he was able to "pull" these women at parties, in bars, anywhere. Most telling in his tale was when he said that if truth were told, he wouldn't even bother having sex with them because by the time the conquest was assured, he had lost interest. Yet he went through with the act anyway. But for him sex was never as great as the rush of trying to get women to sleep with him.

I've posted more information than may apply to the situation with your husband. I truly hope his behavior was, as the Brits say, "a one off," a one time thing. However having living the experience as a partner of a sex addict, I felt I needed to write more on the subject because sex addiction is often the last thing one becomes aware of since it is much more easily hidden, especially in the age of the internet. And since it isn't a substance addiction, people tend to downplay it. Yet as I have born witness to, there can be much damage inflicted by sex addiction.

I hope that you are doing well in your recovery. Many hugs.

Teggie

Ahhhh, the everevolving world of cyberspace. How nice it is that we have a place we can go and pour out our hearts and feelings and do so with the knowledge that noone really knows who we are. But as good as that is there is a downside as we can often be victim to miscommunication and misconceptions based on the words we write. I love this forum, I love all the varied personalities we have here, all the different views and points expressed and I love it for what it is and respect that people may share my opinion or they may not. What we feel may be good for us may be bad for another, thats why we are all individuals, We have to decide for ourselves what is good for us and respect others rights to the same. I like this forum the best because I feel like all of us do respect each other and each others views, like Clancy said "I take what I can use and think about the rest" very good words there. We are all in this together. I love all of y'all even though your just words on my screen. Keep the faith, Hugs, Teggie

njriverman

My name is Paul and I am a sexaholic.

I destroyed my marriage through ina pproriate behaviors such as those described,,,,

Sexaholism similar to other addiction is progressive, for me it started with masturbation to porn (either print, film or internet), then adultery, strip clubs, bookstores and prostitution are the next phases if not arrested.

There is hope ....

Http://www.sa.org

Basically the addict does not believe he is lovable. The addict also uses the acting out to numb any feelings either bad (to forget) or good (to celebrate).

You need to realize you can not fix him, but you can work on you to be healthy..

http://www.sanon.org

Sexaholics Anonymous Telephone Numbers

AK, Anchorage, 907.677.0880
AZ, Phoenix 602.439.3000
CA, Coachella Valley 760.837.7291
CA, Inland Empire 909.3695938
California, Los Angeles 800.339.0222
CA, Orange Co 714.647.1613
California, Sacramento 916.491.1772
California, San Diego 858.495.2446
CA, San Fran Bay: 510.273.9878
CO, Denver 303.292.3376
DE, 215.564.3272
FL, Daytona Beach: 386.255.0001
Florida, Pensacola 850.433.1272
FL, Southern Alabama, (850. 433.1272
GA Atlanta (404. 663.0688
Georgia, Savannah 912/351.7440
Illinois-Chicago / NW Indiana: 630.415.0341
MD, Baltimore: 410.558.4510
Mississippi, Louisiana, (228. 594.0111
Kansas City 913.599.9858
Wichita, KS 316.942.9041
MI, Utica 586.997.7518
MN 952.985.1016
MO, St Louis 314.***.2687
NE 402.441.0266
New England 617.499.9450
NJ -Northern/Central / Eastern Pennsylvania 800.739.2465 ...
New Jersey-Southern 215.564.3272
NYC 212.459.4044
NY, Long Island S.A. Hotline 516.733.0002
NM, Albuquerque (505. 899.0633
New Mexico, Santa Fe (505. 899.0633
Ohio, Akron Area: 330. 940.8040
Cincinnati, OH 513.522.1599
Ohio. Cleveland Area: 216. 766.8476,
OK, Oklahoma City 405.680.4566
Tulsa, OK 918.748.1708
OR. Grants Pass, 888.522.1418
PA, Erie 814.825.8907
PA, Lehigh Valley, 610.682.9622
Pittsburgh / SW PA: 724.224.0877
Philadelphia to Harrisburg & York 215.564.3272
S Carolina Charleston 843.494.4808
SC Myrtle Beach 843.236.0299
Tenn 615.251.7516
TX, Dallas 972.407.4533
Texas, Houston 281.548.4930
Utah 801.802.8380
Virginia, Fredericksburg, 703.866.6929
Virginia, Richmond 804.254.9939
WA, Bellingham 360.966.7475
Seattle WA 206.548.9538
WA, Spokane 509.464.3376
Washington DC, N. Virginia, MD suburbs: 703.866.6929
WV, Wheeling / Steubenville, OH: 740.342.0828
WI, Milwaukee 414.259.9792

other areas call 615.370.6062

I have seen many marriages saved through Sexaholics Anonymous, I hope yours is..

To buy the White Book and./or Recovery Continues 800.853.2227 SA Website http://www.SA.org

Want a 24 hour inspiration line? Call 215.574.2120

To receive other inspirational messages please join our online group. http://health.groups.*****.com/group/PhillySA/


National information line for S-ANON (12 step spiritual program for the family members or friends of those addicted to sexually compulsive and self-destructive behavior.: (615. 833.3152, www.sanon.org.

http://www.SA.org

Sexaholics in UK visit http://www.sauk.org or Call 24 hour helpline on 07000 725463

To receive other inspirational messages please join our online Sex recovery group.
http://health.groups.*****.com/group/PhillySA/

Feel free to ask me anything,

Paul a grateful recovering sexaholic.