MIL; finger pointing
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MIL; finger pointing
My MIL called me this morning. She wants to know about the boys upcoming district games; about my eldest sons fundraiser for an out of country trip. In the middle of this she tells of how she is still wrapping her head around all that she has learned. To be honest, it does, to me, feel as if years have been shoved into a week period of time. In reality, for her it probably has been since she is years behind on what's been happening in our home. I understand, I really do, but...I could hear an accusatory tone in her voice this morning that I didn't like and it still bothers me. A slight pointing of the finger that I didn't tell her sooner; as if she could have done something to help. I know she couldn't have done a single thing. In words she says she knows this, but her accusation said something different. I know she is hurt; hell, we are ALL hurt and my family has been hurt the most.
I also let her know that I don't want him moving back in with me when he returns from rehab. Not sure that she liked that idea. But she hasn't lived with him and his addiction.
She got off the phone fairly quickly after that. I'm just really bothered by this and hope this isn't a trend that escalates.
I also let her know that I don't want him moving back in with me when he returns from rehab. Not sure that she liked that idea. But she hasn't lived with him and his addiction.
She got off the phone fairly quickly after that. I'm just really bothered by this and hope this isn't a trend that escalates.
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Hugs, Katchie,
I think you've nailed it--this has been very sudden for her. Not only was she unaware of how bad his drinking was and how destructive it's been for your family, but you've had quite a bit of time to absorb a lot of information about alcoholism, enabling, boundaries, relapse, etc., that she probably knows nothing about. Don't a lot of us come in here assuming that there must be something WE can do to fix the problem? And doesn't it take most of us a long time to understand and for it to really SINK IN that there isn't?
So do your best not to take what your MIL says personally. Try your best to be patient with her, at least for now. Maybe you could provide her with information that will help her to understand, and also to understand why you didn't confide in her sooner. Maybe she'll never understand it completely because she hasn't lived it, but she sounds like someone who is trying.
I think you've nailed it--this has been very sudden for her. Not only was she unaware of how bad his drinking was and how destructive it's been for your family, but you've had quite a bit of time to absorb a lot of information about alcoholism, enabling, boundaries, relapse, etc., that she probably knows nothing about. Don't a lot of us come in here assuming that there must be something WE can do to fix the problem? And doesn't it take most of us a long time to understand and for it to really SINK IN that there isn't?
So do your best not to take what your MIL says personally. Try your best to be patient with her, at least for now. Maybe you could provide her with information that will help her to understand, and also to understand why you didn't confide in her sooner. Maybe she'll never understand it completely because she hasn't lived it, but she sounds like someone who is trying.
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Katchie...before this is over, you will, no doubt have to detach a bit from your in-laws. Although I have seen some rare exceptions with my own eyes...it is almost inevitable that family will take the side of their own. (at least, to some extent).
I'll bet that the idea of an "alcoholic" in her family is probably her worst nightmare. Naturally, she will be inclined to look for factors outside of the immediate family to deflect the embarrassment and gilt that she may be feeling. In other words, some "explanation" that does not reflect back to the family, in some way.
When push comes to shove...MOST of the time, blood is thicker than water. (Most of the time). This just seems to be the prevalent human nature.
Katchie...you only have so much energy. You can't smooth every ruffled feather in the universe.
Hopefully, you can still have a good relationship with her..no matter how things turn out.
Time will tell.
dandylion
I'll bet that the idea of an "alcoholic" in her family is probably her worst nightmare. Naturally, she will be inclined to look for factors outside of the immediate family to deflect the embarrassment and gilt that she may be feeling. In other words, some "explanation" that does not reflect back to the family, in some way.
When push comes to shove...MOST of the time, blood is thicker than water. (Most of the time). This just seems to be the prevalent human nature.
Katchie...you only have so much energy. You can't smooth every ruffled feather in the universe.
Hopefully, you can still have a good relationship with her..no matter how things turn out.
Time will tell.
dandylion
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Thank you all. I know I will have to find a way to detach and not take personally things that are said. Its really hard to do when she trying to express her feelings, anger and sadness especially when she isn't able to understand it from our end. Maybe if/when this all comes up again, I will gently direct her to her churches Celebrate Recovery program. I don't think I'm strong enough to help her heal by listening to it all every time she calls, especially if there continues to be veiled finger pointing. I love her to pieces. Many times she was the mother my own birth mother never was to me. I just hate all of this so much.
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Yes, Katchie, I remember that she has been "more" than a mother-in-law to you. This is actually more of a reason to keep some healthy detachment--on this one issue.
So that you CAN keep a good relationship with her, years from now. After all, she is the kids grandma, also.
Damn, Katchie...this is all so complex and exhausting...NOT easy stuff!
This is how alcoholism can just do so much damage to families.....sigh!
dandylion
So that you CAN keep a good relationship with her, years from now. After all, she is the kids grandma, also.
Damn, Katchie...this is all so complex and exhausting...NOT easy stuff!
This is how alcoholism can just do so much damage to families.....sigh!
dandylion
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For me it happened that blood was thicker than water. My in-laws circled the wagons around my XAH and have never really acknowledged the trouble XAH put us through or how it affected our family. Hell, they don't acknowledge how it's affected their family either, or even really understand or CARE to understand what his alcoholism means to him or them or our daughter or anyone else. They are his best enablers, and their anger towards me was mostly about how I wasn't going to float him anymore, and he was their problem now.
Be gentle with your MIL, and with yourself. She's processing stuff you've been dealing with for a long time, and as we know the learning curve is steep even for those of us with eyes wide open.
Be gentle with your MIL, and with yourself. She's processing stuff you've been dealing with for a long time, and as we know the learning curve is steep even for those of us with eyes wide open.
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Originally Posted by Katchie 
My MIL called me this morning. She wants to know about the boys upcoming district games; about my eldest sons fundraiser for an out of country trip. In the middle of this she tells of how she is still wrapping her head around all that she has learned. To be honest, it does, to me, feel as if years have been shoved into a week period of time. In reality, for her it probably has been since she is years behind on what's been happening in our home. I understand, I really do, but...I could hear an accusatory tone in her voice this morning that I didn't like and it still bothers me. A slight pointing of the finger that I didn't tell her sooner; as if she could have done something to help. I know she couldn't have done a single thing. In words she says she knows this, but her accusation said something different. I know she is hurt; hell, we are ALL hurt and my family has been hurt the most.
I also let her know that I don't want him moving back in with me when he returns from rehab. Not sure that she liked that idea. But she hasn't lived with him and his addiction.
She got off the phone fairly quickly after that. I'm just really bothered by this and hope this isn't a trend that escalates.
I also let her know that I don't want him moving back in with me when he returns from rehab. Not sure that she liked that idea. But she hasn't lived with him and his addiction.
She got off the phone fairly quickly after that. I'm just really bothered by this and hope this isn't a trend that escalates.
I feel this is applicable in regards to your MIL, don't you agree?
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I'm sure she is floored.
I'm also sure she doesn't understand what you are dealing with. I agree with Dandy that FOO generally will side with blood.
I hope this is temporary. It very well may be.
I'm also sure she doesn't understand what you are dealing with. I agree with Dandy that FOO generally will side with blood.
I hope this is temporary. It very well may be.
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It's hard to know the truth by trying to define "tones of voice" etc
End of the day..... What you think is going on, may be right, somewhat right, a little bit right or totally wrong.
The same mind that is deciding this stuff is the same mind that picked your husband.
Is it one hundred percent accurate??
Always makinG good assessment of situations?
Possibly not right?
So relax, you don't have to be in control of everything.
End of the day..... What you think is going on, may be right, somewhat right, a little bit right or totally wrong.
The same mind that is deciding this stuff is the same mind that picked your husband.
Is it one hundred percent accurate??
Always makinG good assessment of situations?
Possibly not right?
So relax, you don't have to be in control of everything.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Directing her to Celebrate Recovery is a great idea. She's no doubt hurting, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, trying to wrap her head around all of this. Any help that she can get outside of the family that is objective and compassionate will help her, and in turn, all of you. I remember you saying once (I think) that she comes from a completely alcohol-free lifestyle? I think back to how naive I was to the nature and beast of the illness. There is so much to be learned and processed when you're new to the beast. Hugs to you, Katchie.
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
Directing her to Celebrate Recovery is a great idea. She's no doubt hurting, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, trying to wrap her head around all of this. Any help that she can get outside of the family that is objective and compassionate will help her, and in turn, all of you. I remember you saying once (I think) that she comes from a completely alcohol-free lifestyle? I think back to how naive I was to the nature and beast of the illness. There is so much to be learned and processed when you're new to the beast. Hugs to you, Katchie.
As rough as it is on her, my home is much more at peace. I pray to keep it that way. I've made an appointment with a lawyer for next week. I want to have some things ready so that when he returns he can see what needs to happen but that I do want reconciliation if that is possible -- the ball will be in his court.
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I don't know how old your MIL is, but I know that my dad was an A at a time when Foster Brooke's and Otis from The Andy Griffths show were on TV as the lovable, comical drunks. It was funny then. As long as you weren't sitting on the sidewalk, it wasn't really considered "alcoholism" by most people. She might be having trouble reconciling the image in general much less that it's in her own family. In time with support she'll come to accept like we all have and continue to grow as we all are. You sound like a wonderful DIL. Stay strong.
Still today if you're not in an alley with track marks on your arm people think you aren't really a junkie.
Still today if you're not in an alley with track marks on your arm people think you aren't really a junkie.
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I remember how blind-sided I was when my sister's husband told MY husband to go ahead and tell me she hadn't been out of bed for two weeks and had been falling down (and hitting head, black eyes, the whole bit) for over 6 months. And we are FAR from close! I think she doesn't like the idea of all his secrets and the lies... I hope the accusatory tone was sure not reflecting on YOU, that's for sure. She needs to understand the disease. Perhaps you could point her to a book where she can understand the lies, manipulation, and the secrecy of the disease and your husband's wishes to keep it contained and try to deal with it himself. Until now.
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I don't know katch--
when I finally came out with ah drinking problem, I got some strange reactions. The codie in me took it all to heart. Listening to people who don't know about alcoholism and codependency can be disheartening to say the least.
I guess it really comes down to, can you control her feelings?
if not, then you can pray for her understanding, but beyond that, you can't linger on HER feelings for too long, ya know? Not in your control
hugs!
when I finally came out with ah drinking problem, I got some strange reactions. The codie in me took it all to heart. Listening to people who don't know about alcoholism and codependency can be disheartening to say the least.
I guess it really comes down to, can you control her feelings?
if not, then you can pray for her understanding, but beyond that, you can't linger on HER feelings for too long, ya know? Not in your control
hugs!
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My heart hurts for you but you've been given wise advice. She has been just given a major bombshell and its going to take time for her to wrap her arms around this. If I remember your story correctly your brother-in-law is in recovery as well. If I have the situation correct in my memory this is two sons dealing with addiction. I don't know if she was as blindsided by your BIL's addiction as your husbands but I think a normal parental reaction is indeed, what did I do wrong, etc, etc. I would only add this. If she sounds accusatory again I would simply state that you feel her pain but you made the best decisions for your family that you knew to make at the time. You didn't mean her any disrespect but merely not telling her at the time you felt was in the best interest for all involved and leave it at that.
Peace
Peace
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Hugs Katchie. You are a champ. It's a good idea to gently direct her to some CR meetings.
Even people who "should know" what alcoholism actually is are sometimes willfully ignorant about it. My ex's dad has been working an AA program for the past 30 years and he and my ex's mom are still clueless about alcoholism as it pertains to their darling sons.
Their dad was always the first one down at the jailhouse bailing them out after a DUI or a drunk and disorderly. (I keep bringing up the benefit of Al-Anon meetings, but to no avail).
Their mom was utterly convinced that they would "grow out of it" and after I left my ex she got a horrible lesson in codependency while she was trying to fix my ex's alcoholism. She told him she was no longer going to give him "grocery money" (she finally figured out that all of his "extra" money was going to buy alcohol) and he punched her in the face and threatened to kill his dad.
Throughout it all, whatever she said or did to me, however upset she was, I kept the lines of communication open with our son, and kept my personal stuff out of it. That's a decision I have never regretted.
Glad your husband is at least taking a shot at recovery, and you are healthy enough to deal with any outcome. His mom will have to fine her own path, just as you have. Wishing you all the best in this difficult time.
Even people who "should know" what alcoholism actually is are sometimes willfully ignorant about it. My ex's dad has been working an AA program for the past 30 years and he and my ex's mom are still clueless about alcoholism as it pertains to their darling sons.
Their dad was always the first one down at the jailhouse bailing them out after a DUI or a drunk and disorderly. (I keep bringing up the benefit of Al-Anon meetings, but to no avail).
Their mom was utterly convinced that they would "grow out of it" and after I left my ex she got a horrible lesson in codependency while she was trying to fix my ex's alcoholism. She told him she was no longer going to give him "grocery money" (she finally figured out that all of his "extra" money was going to buy alcohol) and he punched her in the face and threatened to kill his dad.
Throughout it all, whatever she said or did to me, however upset she was, I kept the lines of communication open with our son, and kept my personal stuff out of it. That's a decision I have never regretted.
Glad your husband is at least taking a shot at recovery, and you are healthy enough to deal with any outcome. His mom will have to fine her own path, just as you have. Wishing you all the best in this difficult time.
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Originally Posted by cookiesncream
My heart hurts for you but you've been given wise advice. She has been just given a major bombshell and its going to take time for her to wrap her arms around this. If I remember your story correctly your brother-in-law is in recovery as well. If I have the situation correct in my memory this is two sons dealing with addiction. I don't know if she was as blindsided by your BIL's addiction as your husbands but I think a normal parental reaction is indeed, what did I do wrong, etc, etc. I would only add this. If she sounds accusatory again I would simply state that you feel her pain but you made the best decisions for your family that you knew to make at the time. You didn't mean her any disrespect but merely not telling her at the time you felt was in the best interest for all involved and leave it at that.
Peace
Peace
My MIL thought that I didn't come to her sooner because I just didn't feel close enough to her. I told her that couldn't be further from the truth; I do feel VERY close to her, I just couldn't tell anyone and it's apart of our family disease caused by living with an alcoholic. I did ask her for forgiveness that I was unable to be honest. I'm not sure she heard me, but I still glad I said it.
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Katchie, I would say it is just lack of understanding about addiction. He should have been the one to reach out to her, but he didn't. As a mother, I am sure she thinks she could have helped fix him. You are right, there is absolutely nothing she could have done. In time she will likely realize that.
I remember there was a week or so before my X went to rehab after some serious issues had happened. I would not let him stay at the house during that time. His family very quietly made me feel guilty about that. I did not have anything to do with taking him to rehab, did not go pick him up, drop him off, none of it. I know his family resented that a lot, but just like you said, they were not the ones living with his alcoholism. He went on for years after that, that I had abandoned him. In reality, he had abandoned his family by his own actions.
In life, there are consequences. As a mother, I think no matter the age of your child, you try to protect your child from those consequences. However, for one to learn lessons in life, they have to experience the consequences of their own actions. If not, there is absolutely no chance of healing to occur.
Hugs Katchie. You are doing great. Blood will always be thicker than water. Stay the course on what is best for you and your children.
XXX
I remember there was a week or so before my X went to rehab after some serious issues had happened. I would not let him stay at the house during that time. His family very quietly made me feel guilty about that. I did not have anything to do with taking him to rehab, did not go pick him up, drop him off, none of it. I know his family resented that a lot, but just like you said, they were not the ones living with his alcoholism. He went on for years after that, that I had abandoned him. In reality, he had abandoned his family by his own actions.
In life, there are consequences. As a mother, I think no matter the age of your child, you try to protect your child from those consequences. However, for one to learn lessons in life, they have to experience the consequences of their own actions. If not, there is absolutely no chance of healing to occur.
Hugs Katchie. You are doing great. Blood will always be thicker than water. Stay the course on what is best for you and your children.
XXX
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You know, the weird thing is that this HAS to be showing you how far you have in come in recovery yourself. I'm sure to her, your boundaries sound like heartless ultimatums.... she just doesn't understand.
Can you imagine being as blind to all of it as your MIL is right now? With all that has gone on for you in this last year (btw, ironic that your big year of recovery is bookmarked with Valentine's Day on either side.....) can you imagine being as green to all of this at this point?
This is a wonderful idea because it's not YOUR job to help her navigate through all of this anyway. 
I think I would even let her know that - that you love her SO MUCH that you want her to have the very best opportunity at healing & that doesn't include your input, for right now at least. She really will hear it & understand it differently/better coming from others in a great environment like that. Perhaps directing her back to the BIL with addiction experience is an option too?
Can you imagine being as blind to all of it as your MIL is right now? With all that has gone on for you in this last year (btw, ironic that your big year of recovery is bookmarked with Valentine's Day on either side.....) can you imagine being as green to all of this at this point?
I will gently direct her to her churches Celebrate Recovery program. I don't think I'm strong enough to help her heal by listening to it all every time she calls,
I think I would even let her know that - that you love her SO MUCH that you want her to have the very best opportunity at healing & that doesn't include your input, for right now at least. She really will hear it & understand it differently/better coming from others in a great environment like that. Perhaps directing her back to the BIL with addiction experience is an option too?
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