I was wandering
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
I was wandering
I was wondering does anyone else notice the difference on the friends and family of substance forum I don't get much feedback and what I do get is instead of any help with what I ask I get told I'm in detective mode and to make up my mind figure it out stay or go it's my choice or the least helpful of all your choosing to stay so your choosing to live in misery you chose it!! Wtf where's the support and compassion for people going thru such heartbreaking situations?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Every group is definitely going to be diffrent. I like the saying "go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated". They sound like they are made up of more "tough love" types. Not that tough love is always wrong, it can just come off as jerky. Most people here have SO's with a combination problem. Sorry you had to encounter that. It's like adding insult to injury.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I didn't see anyone attacking you in your previous threads. I'm sorry if you felt that way. You've been trying to figure out what he's up to for a long time. I think folks are just reminding you that figuring out what he's up to may not be the answer to your situation.
What are you doing for YOURSELF to get stronger? I know you've said you feel like he's messing with your mind. Are you going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Those groups can help you focus on what you can do for yourself that will help you get "you" back so you can make healthy decisions for yourself about your future.
What are you doing for YOURSELF to get stronger? I know you've said you feel like he's messing with your mind. Are you going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Those groups can help you focus on what you can do for yourself that will help you get "you" back so you can make healthy decisions for yourself about your future.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by unease7 
I was wondering does anyone else notice the difference on the friends and family of substance forum I don't get much feedback and what I do get is instead of any help with what I ask I get told I'm in detective mode and to make up my mind figure it out stay or go it's my choice or the least helpful of all your choosing to stay so your choosing to live in misery you chose it!! Wtf where's the support and compassion for people going thru such heartbreaking situations?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I didn't see anyone attacking you in your previous threads. I'm sorry if you felt that way. You've been trying to figure out what he's up to for a long time. I think folks are just reminding you that figuring out what he's up to may not be the answer to your situation.
What are you doing for YOURSELF to get stronger? I know you've said you feel like he's messing with your mind. Are you going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Those groups can help you focus on what you can do for yourself that will help you get "you" back so you can make healthy decisions for yourself about your future.
What are you doing for YOURSELF to get stronger? I know you've said you feel like he's messing with your mind. Are you going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Those groups can help you focus on what you can do for yourself that will help you get "you" back so you can make healthy decisions for yourself about your future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I do see significantly less traffic on FFSA, but I can appreciate the differences between the two boards. I primarily post on FFSA but read both boards. (The three, now.)
Before I attended, I called the hotline to make sure that the info online was current. The group leader told me this: "An alcoholic will steal your wallet. An addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it." He said they are beasts of a different nature.
But with limitations of Naranon availability around my home town, he said that many people substitute "alcohol" with "drug of choice." I imagine gambling, or sex addition, or food addiction could also substistute. There is ONE Naranon group in my state. It meets Sunday evenings, and when I attended, there were four others there. All older, and I think three of them had a son or daughter (or grandson or granddaughter) who was their qualifier. I did not feel like I fit in there.
I attended a few Alanon meetings. I believe I hit my six. But I relocated for work before really getting settled into a group I liked. Again, I don't feel like I belong.
Anyways, I do post on the FFSA forum, and sometimes wish there was more traffic, but as uncomfortable as it is, I appreciate the "tough love" and honest approach.
Before I attended, I called the hotline to make sure that the info online was current. The group leader told me this: "An alcoholic will steal your wallet. An addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it." He said they are beasts of a different nature.
But with limitations of Naranon availability around my home town, he said that many people substitute "alcohol" with "drug of choice." I imagine gambling, or sex addition, or food addiction could also substistute. There is ONE Naranon group in my state. It meets Sunday evenings, and when I attended, there were four others there. All older, and I think three of them had a son or daughter (or grandson or granddaughter) who was their qualifier. I did not feel like I fit in there.
I attended a few Alanon meetings. I believe I hit my six. But I relocated for work before really getting settled into a group I liked. Again, I don't feel like I belong.
Anyways, I do post on the FFSA forum, and sometimes wish there was more traffic, but as uncomfortable as it is, I appreciate the "tough love" and honest approach.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi unease,
First, to answer your basic question...since I have been a member here, the FFA forum has always had more traffic than the FFSA forum. As I type this, there are more than 43,000 threads in FFA and less than half of that number in FFSA. There are also more than twice as many individual posts in the FFA forum compared with FFSA.
I'm sorry you did not feel supported on your recent thread. I think it would be near impossible for any of us to try to read your husband's mind and tell you what he was thinking when he held that phone conversation in your earshot.
It may have been all for show.
He may not have believed you would understand what he was talking about.
He might be completely delusional and in denial.
He may be trying to manipulate you.
or....it could have been something entirely different. Your guess would probably be better than any we could possibly hope to make.
Have similar conversations been held by addicted loved ones and family members in front of other members? I'm nearly sure of that is true. Addiction is a baffling affliction--it really makes no sense to those of us who are not addicts.
I know that in an ideal world, your husband would stop doing drugs, spend time with the children and with you, and contribute to keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. It doesn't sound as though that is happening or that those things are priorities for him.
The sad truth that I have experienced with my addicted and alcoholic family members is that no amount of my wishing or talking or nagging or begging or pleading made one bit of difference in their using behavior. I had to learn to make some hard decisions for myself about what sort of behavior I was going to allow in my home or in my presence.
How are you feeling this evening? I'm sorry for the pain, hurt, anger and frustration over your husband's drug use. But unfortunately, the only person whose behavior, attitude and actions you can control are yours. I hope and pray that find a good path for you and your children. Sending up prayers for a peaceful and restful evening.
First, to answer your basic question...since I have been a member here, the FFA forum has always had more traffic than the FFSA forum. As I type this, there are more than 43,000 threads in FFA and less than half of that number in FFSA. There are also more than twice as many individual posts in the FFA forum compared with FFSA.
I'm sorry you did not feel supported on your recent thread. I think it would be near impossible for any of us to try to read your husband's mind and tell you what he was thinking when he held that phone conversation in your earshot.
It may have been all for show.
He may not have believed you would understand what he was talking about.
He might be completely delusional and in denial.
He may be trying to manipulate you.
or....it could have been something entirely different. Your guess would probably be better than any we could possibly hope to make.
Have similar conversations been held by addicted loved ones and family members in front of other members? I'm nearly sure of that is true. Addiction is a baffling affliction--it really makes no sense to those of us who are not addicts.
I know that in an ideal world, your husband would stop doing drugs, spend time with the children and with you, and contribute to keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. It doesn't sound as though that is happening or that those things are priorities for him.
The sad truth that I have experienced with my addicted and alcoholic family members is that no amount of my wishing or talking or nagging or begging or pleading made one bit of difference in their using behavior. I had to learn to make some hard decisions for myself about what sort of behavior I was going to allow in my home or in my presence.
How are you feeling this evening? I'm sorry for the pain, hurt, anger and frustration over your husband's drug use. But unfortunately, the only person whose behavior, attitude and actions you can control are yours. I hope and pray that find a good path for you and your children. Sending up prayers for a peaceful and restful evening.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by unease7
I was wondering does anyone else notice the difference on the friends and family of substance forum I don't get much feedback and what I do get is instead of any help with what I ask I get told I'm in detective mode and to make up my mind figure it out stay or go it's my choice or the least helpful of all your choosing to stay so your choosing to live in misery you chose it!! Wtf where's the support and compassion for people going thru such heartbreaking situations?
For what it's worth, I have responded to the majority of your posts. Weekends at FFSA is generally light.
If you believe you'll receive more support on this board, by all means post here. When you're comfortable, though, shoot me a PM and let me know how you're doing.
All the best.
Z
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