F ing crazy............
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Earthworm....you did nothing wrong. It is natural to WANT respect and kindness and emotional sensitivity from an intimate relationship. This is a natural part of healthy relationships.
His actions and attitude was emotionally "cold" and rejecting and insensitive.
I understand why you felt hurt. You had every right.
dandylion
His actions and attitude was emotionally "cold" and rejecting and insensitive.
I understand why you felt hurt. You had every right.
dandylion
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your text to him was classic passive-aggressive.....which never brings about the outcome we hope for. you basically baited him into a confrontation. consider for a moment that his truck really WAS vandalized.....and he was busy dealing with that.....and then he gets this text attacking him for not paying attention to you.........or lets say that to him valentine's day just doesn't rank as an important DAY to memorialize.
wanna know what hank and I did for v day? stayed in pj's, had breakfast, took a nap, did huge amounts of nothing - we'd both had rough work weeks, getting up at 4:30am each day - his job is physically brutal, mine is mentally taxing and we just slogged thru the week. I think we took a second nap, pulled out the frozen sketti sauce, had a spaghetti with garlic bread dinner and hit the sack about 7:30. no fancy dinner, no flowers, no cards, no box of chocolates. we did have 4 leftover hersheys chocolates which we split. I slept on the couch due to relentless insomnia. romantic huh?
you either work with what you have, or you move on. if you aren't happy, fulfilled, empowered, and at peace....then it is UP TO YOU to do something about it. if your chosen one isn't measuring up, then make another choice.
he is who he is.......people just don't change THAT much over time. oh sure there is Saul in the bible who had his conversion but that just doesn't happen in daily life. what you see is what you get.
lose his number. problem solved.
wanna know what hank and I did for v day? stayed in pj's, had breakfast, took a nap, did huge amounts of nothing - we'd both had rough work weeks, getting up at 4:30am each day - his job is physically brutal, mine is mentally taxing and we just slogged thru the week. I think we took a second nap, pulled out the frozen sketti sauce, had a spaghetti with garlic bread dinner and hit the sack about 7:30. no fancy dinner, no flowers, no cards, no box of chocolates. we did have 4 leftover hersheys chocolates which we split. I slept on the couch due to relentless insomnia. romantic huh?
you either work with what you have, or you move on. if you aren't happy, fulfilled, empowered, and at peace....then it is UP TO YOU to do something about it. if your chosen one isn't measuring up, then make another choice.
he is who he is.......people just don't change THAT much over time. oh sure there is Saul in the bible who had his conversion but that just doesn't happen in daily life. what you see is what you get.
lose his number. problem solved.
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My text WASN'T passive aggressive, it was stating my feelings clearly and his response was totally off the beam and reactive Anvilheadll.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
your text to him was classic passive-aggressive.....which never brings about the outcome we hope for. you basically baited him into a confrontation. consider for a moment that his truck really WAS vandalized.....and he was busy dealing with that.....and then he gets this text attacking him for not paying attention to you.........or lets say that to him valentine's day just doesn't rank as an important DAY to memorialize.
wanna know what hank and I did for v day? stayed in pj's, had breakfast, took a nap, did huge amounts of nothing - we'd both had rough work weeks, getting up at 4:30am each day - his job is physically brutal, mine is mentally taxing and we just slogged thru the week. I think we took a second nap, pulled out the frozen sketti sauce, had a spaghetti with garlic bread dinner and hit the sack about 7:30. no fancy dinner, no flowers, no cards, no box of chocolates. we did have 4 leftover hersheys chocolates which we split. I slept on the couch due to relentless insomnia. romantic huh?
you either work with what you have, or you move on. if you aren't happy, fulfilled, empowered, and at peace....then it is UP TO YOU to do something about it. if your chosen one isn't measuring up, then make another choice.
he is who he is.......people just don't change THAT much over time. oh sure there is Saul in the bible who had his conversion but that just doesn't happen in daily life. what you see is what you get.
lose his number. problem solved.
wanna know what hank and I did for v day? stayed in pj's, had breakfast, took a nap, did huge amounts of nothing - we'd both had rough work weeks, getting up at 4:30am each day - his job is physically brutal, mine is mentally taxing and we just slogged thru the week. I think we took a second nap, pulled out the frozen sketti sauce, had a spaghetti with garlic bread dinner and hit the sack about 7:30. no fancy dinner, no flowers, no cards, no box of chocolates. we did have 4 leftover hersheys chocolates which we split. I slept on the couch due to relentless insomnia. romantic huh?
you either work with what you have, or you move on. if you aren't happy, fulfilled, empowered, and at peace....then it is UP TO YOU to do something about it. if your chosen one isn't measuring up, then make another choice.
he is who he is.......people just don't change THAT much over time. oh sure there is Saul in the bible who had his conversion but that just doesn't happen in daily life. what you see is what you get.
lose his number. problem solved.
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earthworm, I feel for your hurt, but your text DIDN'T just state your feelings. You said, "I texted him and thanked him for wishing me happy valentines day and seeing how I was and that my feelings were hurt by that." Just telling him your feelings would have been, "I'm feeling hurt that I didn't hear from you for Valentine's Day." Your text started out with a sarcastic dig. You didn't give him a chance to explain or apologize.
I gather, from what you've posted, that the chances of his giving you a sincere explanation/apology were slim and none, but by opening that way you made him feel totally justified in responding the way he did.
You deserve someone that does take your feelings into account, but it doesn't sound like you're likely to get anything like that from him. It's going to the hardware store for bread.
Hugs, I'm sorry you had such a disappointing weekend.
I gather, from what you've posted, that the chances of his giving you a sincere explanation/apology were slim and none, but by opening that way you made him feel totally justified in responding the way he did.
You deserve someone that does take your feelings into account, but it doesn't sound like you're likely to get anything like that from him. It's going to the hardware store for bread.
Hugs, I'm sorry you had such a disappointing weekend.
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AnvilheadII
It's very easy to say work with what you have when what you have is obviously working. Maybe your Valentine's Day wasn't epic, but you had peace with a loved one. A simple dinner and some simple recognition is waaaaay more than many of could dream about. obviously you're not making the choice to leave. It's not like changing your undies. That said, I hope EW can find her way to happiness and simple validation from a loving partner.
I don't think Earthworm "baited" him. Freakin breathing is baiting an A or dry drunk. Good morning is baiting them. Anything that goes through their damaged brains that doesn't sit well is baiting. When theyre using we watch what we say, when they're in recovery we have to watch what we say lest we are labeled "passive aggressive" "manipulative" "controlling" Sweet lord when do we get to say exactly how WE feel without a label or being over analyzed? Doesn't it ever get just old having to make room for EVERYTHING going on in their life and head?
This is why I will never ever be involved with a guy even if he is in recovery. Or at least he's going to have to have a stellar track record of serious sobriety. At least when a guy is an ass with no history of abuse you can just call em as you see em and they can be held to accountability without a lot of talk about "brain chemistry" and "impaired maturity" and there's no group of equally damaged abstinent, but not sober "sponsors" to sign on and help him avoid the fact that he's an ass. You'd be surprised at how often a jerks "God of his understanding" signs off on some serious BS.
That said. . .(((((hugs EW))))
It's very easy to say work with what you have when what you have is obviously working. Maybe your Valentine's Day wasn't epic, but you had peace with a loved one. A simple dinner and some simple recognition is waaaaay more than many of could dream about. obviously you're not making the choice to leave. It's not like changing your undies. That said, I hope EW can find her way to happiness and simple validation from a loving partner.
I don't think Earthworm "baited" him. Freakin breathing is baiting an A or dry drunk. Good morning is baiting them. Anything that goes through their damaged brains that doesn't sit well is baiting. When theyre using we watch what we say, when they're in recovery we have to watch what we say lest we are labeled "passive aggressive" "manipulative" "controlling" Sweet lord when do we get to say exactly how WE feel without a label or being over analyzed? Doesn't it ever get just old having to make room for EVERYTHING going on in their life and head?
This is why I will never ever be involved with a guy even if he is in recovery. Or at least he's going to have to have a stellar track record of serious sobriety. At least when a guy is an ass with no history of abuse you can just call em as you see em and they can be held to accountability without a lot of talk about "brain chemistry" and "impaired maturity" and there's no group of equally damaged abstinent, but not sober "sponsors" to sign on and help him avoid the fact that he's an ass. You'd be surprised at how often a jerks "God of his understanding" signs off on some serious BS.
That said. . .(((((hugs EW))))
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About Anvillehead, she just pulls no punches. Her response to one of my posts, about a year ago, made me think VERY hard about what was going on in my life. She did not step gingerly about the subject; she just puts it out there. Sometimes, that is just what we need. Also, she does not mean it to be punitive, she is just pointing out what she observes. However....A phone call to see how the OP was doing, after feeling ill, would definitely been in order!
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Where I think many of us are stuck is that we get hung up in blaming our addicts for our misery.
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He calls this morning and leaves me a message to do him a favour and lose his number.
I'm old school and a firm believer in giving people what they ask for.
The simple fact that he could not pick up the phone or text a basic Happy Valentine's day speaks volumes........ so exactly what are you expectations here? (I received happy valentine's texts from work acquaintences, and I viewed it as just a polite acknowledgement of the day, so I think you were within your right to hope for an acknowledgement from you partner)
I think he has shown you who he is, now what?
(personally I think he is a hurtful , mean spirited jerk!)
I'm old school and a firm believer in giving people what they ask for.
The simple fact that he could not pick up the phone or text a basic Happy Valentine's day speaks volumes........ so exactly what are you expectations here? (I received happy valentine's texts from work acquaintences, and I viewed it as just a polite acknowledgement of the day, so I think you were within your right to hope for an acknowledgement from you partner)
I think he has shown you who he is, now what?
(personally I think he is a hurtful , mean spirited jerk!)
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Do YOURSELF a favor--- lose his number!!
You deserved to hear a happy valentines day girlie!! That just sucks. I know I rant about not caring about V-day, but let's face it-- I do, whether I admit it or not.
Don't be hard on yourself- I like the idea of catagorizing this man in the "sober-but selfish" catagory. You don't need that crap. Seriously.
But yeah, no matter how much we say we don't need it-- we sure are hurt by it huh?
Rejection is a B!tch. Really I think it is one of the toughest feelings to sort out because it has so many other emotions tied to it.
I think rejection is what had kept me going back and back again, because I just couldn't deal with it. I'm getting stronger now and learning to love myself has been getting a little easier.
I think you did just fine- and have NO reason to doubt your own actions.
I know it's late but Happy Valentines Day to you!!
Hugs
You deserved to hear a happy valentines day girlie!! That just sucks. I know I rant about not caring about V-day, but let's face it-- I do, whether I admit it or not.
Don't be hard on yourself- I like the idea of catagorizing this man in the "sober-but selfish" catagory. You don't need that crap. Seriously.
But yeah, no matter how much we say we don't need it-- we sure are hurt by it huh?
Rejection is a B!tch. Really I think it is one of the toughest feelings to sort out because it has so many other emotions tied to it.
I think rejection is what had kept me going back and back again, because I just couldn't deal with it. I'm getting stronger now and learning to love myself has been getting a little easier.
I think you did just fine- and have NO reason to doubt your own actions.
I know it's late but Happy Valentines Day to you!!
Hugs
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You are right on here.
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Where I think many of us are stuck is that we get hung up in blaming our addicts for our misery.
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
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My text which was sent at 8 pm incidentally was from me who was hurt by that time of the day of not hearing anything and both my text messages did have sarcasm in them. If sarcasm is a form of passive aggression then so be it something I'll have to work on but hardly grounds for a total meltdown on the other end.
Originally Posted by charis78
They ruin all holidays and celebrations. He sounds very selfish. But I also read the text as passive aggressive but not grounds for telling you to lose his number.
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Okay so what you are saying is I should have left well enough alone and waited for him to surface?
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Where I think many of us are stuck is that we get hung up in blaming our addicts for our misery.
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
But at some point, we have to decide what our role is in all of this. We are free adults, we choose to interact with them, we choose to stay when we could leave, so somewhere along the line this becomes more about us and our own decisions. Just like we can be angry at addicts for not stopping with the alcohol / drugs, we can get stuck in our own misery -- our addiction to the addict.
Blaming the addict is pointless. To really change our lives, we have to look within ourselves.
Earthworm, you chose to call him when you knew what the response would be. He's done it many times before. His response might have been crappy, but you did set yourself up for it. How about just not calling him next time?
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Sorry, what does OP stand for?
Originally Posted by Yurt
About Anvillehead, she just pulls no punches. Her response to one of my posts, about a year ago, made me think VERY hard about what was going on in my life. She did not step gingerly about the subject; she just puts it out there. Sometimes, that is just what we need. Also, she does not mean it to be punitive, she is just pointing out what she observes. However....A phone call to see how the OP was doing, after feeling ill, would definitely been in order!
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Actually upon further thought about it I should have left well enough alone and let him surface rather than contacting him.
What I was struggling with was my fear of expressing my feelings and having the right too and also why, after not being home for a month could he at least not have phoned and or texted knowing it was important to me maybe not to him but sometimes it's important to see past ourselves.
But there are those of us who can't/ don't /won't see past ourselves..........
What I was struggling with was my fear of expressing my feelings and having the right too and also why, after not being home for a month could he at least not have phoned and or texted knowing it was important to me maybe not to him but sometimes it's important to see past ourselves.
But there are those of us who can't/ don't /won't see past ourselves..........
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EW, I tend to agree with Anvil and Lexie that your text was definitely never going to get a pleasant response because it was passive aggressive. Out of interest, did you call him or text him say Happy Valentines, love you?
Not all men buy into Valentine's Day because, lets face it, it's a commercial construct. I know that can be hurtful, like forgetting your birthday, but does he do other things for you? Now if he had a full day's work on top of having his truck vandalised he probably did forget, and to get your text would have aggravated his feelings even further.
Have a good look at your marriage, maybe there's things you can live with or things you can't. If he's constantly thoughtless or selfish you could revise your expectations, hit the road, have counselling or whatever.
You might also consider doing a course on relationships that gives you constructive ways to communicate. It will really help you.
Not all men buy into Valentine's Day because, lets face it, it's a commercial construct. I know that can be hurtful, like forgetting your birthday, but does he do other things for you? Now if he had a full day's work on top of having his truck vandalised he probably did forget, and to get your text would have aggravated his feelings even further.
Have a good look at your marriage, maybe there's things you can live with or things you can't. If he's constantly thoughtless or selfish you could revise your expectations, hit the road, have counselling or whatever.
You might also consider doing a course on relationships that gives you constructive ways to communicate. It will really help you.
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