legal input?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
legal input?
I know we have a few legal professionals here, and I have a few kinks in my plan that I haven't been able to iron out. My questions are more dv related than alcoholism related, but I value your guy's input very much.
I work in a legal office, but dissos/ legal separation and dv family law isn't the area we practice in. I am able to draft and file legal documents as needed but that's it. Also, I called the dv hotline and they gave me some great input, and referred me to a local non profit/ free legal office but everyone I talked to wasn't able to take in more cases.
So onto my questions:
(I am in WA state btw)
My AH is an emotionally and verbally abusive individual. Controlling. Jekyll and Hyde type.
He has never physically assaulted me, but has threatened it, and broken items and made holes in walls. We have firearms in the home. When I asked for a legal separation a month ago, he handled it well. No outbursts. I asked him to leave. He didn't. He's still here. I have since gotten my own apartment lined up, I am taking the kids with me. He doesn't know. I also have our tax return coming into my account, we talked about splitting it.
So:
How do I take kids with me to new residence without being accused of say, kidnapping?
Do I let him know where our new place is or keep it to a common meeting place for kiddo exchange?
What do I do about the tax return? A dv advocate said to not feel guilty about keeping it all, safety net savings. Can I keep it all,? Should I?
Restraining/ protective order has been suggested many times, but is it necessary? This is to protect the kids from any effects of this relationship but I also want them to have access to their father.
I am sure I have more questions but will stop now. Thank you in advance.
I work in a legal office, but dissos/ legal separation and dv family law isn't the area we practice in. I am able to draft and file legal documents as needed but that's it. Also, I called the dv hotline and they gave me some great input, and referred me to a local non profit/ free legal office but everyone I talked to wasn't able to take in more cases.
So onto my questions:
(I am in WA state btw)
My AH is an emotionally and verbally abusive individual. Controlling. Jekyll and Hyde type.
He has never physically assaulted me, but has threatened it, and broken items and made holes in walls. We have firearms in the home. When I asked for a legal separation a month ago, he handled it well. No outbursts. I asked him to leave. He didn't. He's still here. I have since gotten my own apartment lined up, I am taking the kids with me. He doesn't know. I also have our tax return coming into my account, we talked about splitting it.
So:
How do I take kids with me to new residence without being accused of say, kidnapping?
Do I let him know where our new place is or keep it to a common meeting place for kiddo exchange?
What do I do about the tax return? A dv advocate said to not feel guilty about keeping it all, safety net savings. Can I keep it all,? Should I?
Restraining/ protective order has been suggested many times, but is it necessary? This is to protect the kids from any effects of this relationship but I also want them to have access to their father.
I am sure I have more questions but will stop now. Thank you in advance.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, thousand,
I can't give you legal advice--you need to consult a lawyer who is licensed in Washington for that. I can share some of my knowledge IN GENERAL. The law may be different where you live, and that is what you need to find out.
Usually, until there is a custody/visitation order in place, both parents have equal "rights" to the child. Unless you are hiding the whereabouts of your children you are unlikely to be charged with any kind of offense. By the same token, however, their father could keep them at HIS house and you would have to go to court, yourself, to get an order to get them back.
As far as letting him know where you are living, again, if you are in effect concealing the whereabouts of the children, without an order of some kind, you would be treading on thin ice. It doesn't sound as if you or the kids are provably in any physical danger, so exceptions for emergency flight might not apply in your situation.
A restraining/protective order, IF you qualify for one, generally provides for temporary custody/visitation. Orders can usually be customized to allow for necessary communication regarding the children--for example, if he had the kids and one of them had an accident or illness requiring a trip to the hospital, those kinds of communications might be allowed if the order was drafted that way.
A DV advocate is not qualified to advise you about splitting the tax return. My understanding is that the refund itself belongs to both of you, but the same is true of many household items and other accounts that you may have. While you probably wouldn't be committing a crime by not cutting him a check for his share, you can bet that that money would be part of the marital assets, just like most things you own together. And your keeping it all might start trouble you don't need right now.
So the bottom line is that you need to talk with a lawyer--an initial consult should be free or relatively inexpensive. And you also need to speak with the advocate about the wisdom of getting a protective order, and the likelihood you would be successful in getting one. The standards are different in different states. Threats to harm you are usually considered a basis for granting an order, but it may depend on what kind of threat was made, the context in which it was made, and how recent it was.
It's all pretty complicated to try to figure out on your own, so the smart thing is to get advice from professionals who know all the relevant details and the law in your jurisdiction.
ETA: One more thing. Be SURE to mention the presence of firearms at the home. IF you obtain a permanent restraining/protective order that prohibits him from using force against you, federal law prohibits him from possessing a firearm. I'm not certain what the protocol is in Washington for removing firearms, but in many places he can be required to turn them in for safekeeping as long as the order is in place.
I can't give you legal advice--you need to consult a lawyer who is licensed in Washington for that. I can share some of my knowledge IN GENERAL. The law may be different where you live, and that is what you need to find out.
Usually, until there is a custody/visitation order in place, both parents have equal "rights" to the child. Unless you are hiding the whereabouts of your children you are unlikely to be charged with any kind of offense. By the same token, however, their father could keep them at HIS house and you would have to go to court, yourself, to get an order to get them back.
As far as letting him know where you are living, again, if you are in effect concealing the whereabouts of the children, without an order of some kind, you would be treading on thin ice. It doesn't sound as if you or the kids are provably in any physical danger, so exceptions for emergency flight might not apply in your situation.
A restraining/protective order, IF you qualify for one, generally provides for temporary custody/visitation. Orders can usually be customized to allow for necessary communication regarding the children--for example, if he had the kids and one of them had an accident or illness requiring a trip to the hospital, those kinds of communications might be allowed if the order was drafted that way.
A DV advocate is not qualified to advise you about splitting the tax return. My understanding is that the refund itself belongs to both of you, but the same is true of many household items and other accounts that you may have. While you probably wouldn't be committing a crime by not cutting him a check for his share, you can bet that that money would be part of the marital assets, just like most things you own together. And your keeping it all might start trouble you don't need right now.
So the bottom line is that you need to talk with a lawyer--an initial consult should be free or relatively inexpensive. And you also need to speak with the advocate about the wisdom of getting a protective order, and the likelihood you would be successful in getting one. The standards are different in different states. Threats to harm you are usually considered a basis for granting an order, but it may depend on what kind of threat was made, the context in which it was made, and how recent it was.
It's all pretty complicated to try to figure out on your own, so the smart thing is to get advice from professionals who know all the relevant details and the law in your jurisdiction.
ETA: One more thing. Be SURE to mention the presence of firearms at the home. IF you obtain a permanent restraining/protective order that prohibits him from using force against you, federal law prohibits him from possessing a firearm. I'm not certain what the protocol is in Washington for removing firearms, but in many places he can be required to turn them in for safekeeping as long as the order is in place.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....there is a website called: "WomansDivorce.com" It gives a rundown of the laws that pertain to divorce according to which state you live in. It looks pretty comprehensive, to me.
You might want to give it a look....
dandylion
You might want to give it a look....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thousand, I'm not a lawyer or DV counselor, so this is just from a fellow survivor. Have you been seeing your DV advocate long enough to feel comfortable talking with them? They may not be able to answer the questions or tell you what you should do, but they might be able to point you to additional resources. They can also be a sounding board and can help you come up with a kind of temporary visitation plan. I think as long as you can put a safe plan in place for the kids to see their father, I don't think it'd be considered kidnapping them. You might also try calling a few other law offices to see if any offer sliding scales or allow payments.
The DV counsellors I had were really understanding and helpful. (like when all 4 of my tires were flattened after I'd left AXH, the shelter staff offered to try to help me find replacements if needed. So it was beyond what I thought of as counseling and support.) And the attorney I went with allowed me to make payments after a reasonable retainer.
Breaking things and punching holes in walls are physical acts. Please be safe.
The DV counsellors I had were really understanding and helpful. (like when all 4 of my tires were flattened after I'd left AXH, the shelter staff offered to try to help me find replacements if needed. So it was beyond what I thought of as counseling and support.) And the attorney I went with allowed me to make payments after a reasonable retainer.
Breaking things and punching holes in walls are physical acts. Please be safe.
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