jjj111

I just wanted to share a little story with you guys. I'm 40 and have spent most of my adult life dating men with drinking and/or drug problems. My parents were both alcoholics, and clearly the pattern stuck. About five years ago, I got into an especially bad relationship with a man who would abuse just about any substance but especially liked cocaine. I really lost myself in that relationship, lost all perspective, fell deeply into denial about who he was while holding so much pain and anxiety about the relationship deep inside. Eventually, I realized that I had to make a change, and part of that was that I joined SR. I came and posted here, felt very angry at all the people telling me my relationship was doomed (slow learner here! ), but eventually after reading the stories of others realized I was not alone and that I was not powerful enough to cure him. I broke up with my AXBF and I made up my mind to spend some time thinking deeply about how to do things differently in the future. After the break up, I fell out of touch with SR and forgot my user name, but I came back here and created a new account when I started having trouble with my sister, who is an opiate addict.

Anyway, I had an experience last night that has left me feeling strong and like I have come a long way in my recovery. There is this guy I work with who I've been getting to know in the past year. He is a nice guy and we have a lot of interests in common. I thought at first that maybe he had potential as a romantic partner, but I didn't want to jump into anything because I have realized that relationships that move quickly are bad news for people like me who have a pattern of overlooking red flags. And as I got to know him better, I realized that he has a drinking problem. I have seen him on a few occasions down four or five drinks in a short period of time and get sloppy. I still struggled with it a little, but I slowly came to accept that this was his pattern and we were better off as friends, and I distanced myself a little. I hadn't seen him socially in a few months, and then a couple weeks ago I had tickets to a movie I knew he would want to see and I invited him. I admit, there was a little part of me that hoped the evening would go well and maybe I'd finally get the romance I've been craving, but those hopes faded pretty quickly when he knocked back two pint-sized margaritas during an hour long dinner and then was disappointed that the movie theater didn't serve beer! Even though I know that he isn't right for me, though, this whole thing has been a challenge for me, because at the same time that I know he's not a good match, I think I have wanted some validation from him. Too often in the past I have looked to sexual relationships for validation, and I was so tempted to give in to denial and make a move to find out whether he finds me attractive! But I've resisted the urge, and I'm still not really sure if he is interested in me too or not because I've kept him at arm's length.

So last night he invited me and a couple other friends over to his house and I arrived to find that a woman was there, and it became clear over the course of the evening that they have been dating for a while. He had mentioned once or twice that he was dating a couple women, but he'd never told me about this woman, didn't mention her when we went to the movies the other night. I think that there was a time in my life when I would have felt consumed with jealousy and been deeply uncomfortable all night, to the point that I might not have been able to contain myself and would either have had to leave or would have been bi&*y to this woman. But last night I actually found myself feeling strong in my knowledge that he would not be a good partner for me, and I was able to be kind and friendly to them both. It probably helped that they both got pretty drunk and I got a good reminder of why I didn't want to be in her position. As he knocked back his fourth drink and started slurring his words, all I could think was "yikes, I wouldn't want to be having sex with him tonight, I bet he'd be really sloppy." And as I sat there, I thought about the stories I have read here and the strength and wisdom of the posters here who have come to the decision that they will do their best to protect their serenity from the ravages of addiction, and even though you guys weren't there with me, you helped keep me strong. So thanks to you all!

Refiner

That's a good story. Now you know you can just be friends with him and wish him well in his pursuit of relationships with OTHER women

happycampers

WAY To Go, Gal !!!! Awesome gain in self-awareness ! You should feel really, really proud of yourself ! I think you should do something extra special for yourself today as you have shown to yourself that You Are Worth IT !!! Happy Valentines Day !

jjj111

Aww, thanks, guys! It's funny, I forgot that today was V-Day when I wrote this post. I think the whole thing last night was actually a very affirming way to spend V-Day eve, knowing that I feel really secure in my new boundaries. Just went and bought myself some chocolates and trashy celeb mags. I might go to a speed dating event tonight, or I might stay at home and take a hot bath and enjoy being chaos-free. Hope you are all taking good care today!