knowthetriggers

So this has been a pretty stressful week after the events on Wednesday evening. Between work and home life there has been very little down time for me or my AH.

So after a long day at work and doctor visits with the youngest DD I get home to clutter and noise, etc. I am exhausted. My kids had report cards and were bouncing off the walls for me to see, my AH is at the kitchen table making the menu for next week and writing the grocery list, the dog is in my feet and everyone is in my face. In hindsight I should have driven around the block to clear my mind but I was (am) tired and just wanted to be at home.

In the midst of the madness my AH starts to question me about the menu, "what do you think...". I know why, he is out of town for three days and wants to be sure we have dinner taken care of (he cooks our weekly meals). We had talked about ordering out on Saturday (today).

This is where I lost it....he goes on to say that because HE "gave in" for his birthday to eat out that HE wanted Chinese food for tonight. I tore into him, and said this family owed him nothing, that was HIS choice to eat out. He says that he had a "feeling" that WE would be disappointed had we not gone eat out.

I say to him "well that is your problem you felt that way. you were given a choice and YOU chose to eat out AND you even admitted that you enjoy it. We owe you nothing and you are being selfish. Your birthday was last weekend, not tomorrow." He tries again with the sob story and says he knew DD wanted steak and I (me) wanted...I cut him off and reminded him that was HIS choice to go out and eat and don't he dare drag the kids into this.

Well peeps, guess what? The kids were standing in the kitchen. Heard every word! It wasn't a screaming match but it was definitely a disagreement. After that I put myself in a timeout, stayed back in my room and changed and pulled myself together.

The rest of the evening was quiet. I was able to go to bed at a decent time but today I am still holding on to the conversation.

I know - it is stupid but it just made me so mad

Of course HE has moved on, or at least it seems at though. He asked me why I was in such a mood this morning and I just stayed quite. I am too tired and pretty sure that is why I am in such a mood. It could also be from the fact the my youngest DD shook me awake while I was in a deep sleep this morning.

Anyway, I hope you all have wonderful day and Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!!

P.S. - I need a nap! LOL

Katchie

Hugs hon...Perhaps let it be known in your home you need a little alone time and take a nice long hot bath then take that nap you need. There is nothing wrong with having a real time out to take care of yourself.

I hope your day gets better -- I know it will! ;-)

knowthetriggers

Thanks Katchie. At the moment I am crying and not sure even why. I am an emotional basket case and feel so stupid for being upset over such a silly conversation.

I have a ton of errands to run today and I will go alone. At least my toxic attitude will be out of the house and I will have a chance to pull myself together. If I am alone then I have no one to lash out at but myself.

I really hate then I start to feel this way for no apparent reason.

But like you said, it will all work out!

Katchie

In the past I would do everything possible to NOT cry. I've since learned that tears are healing, so CRY, CRY, CRY as much as you need!

If you feel you've wronged someone with your words, just apologize and get that off your back -- IF you feel that is the case.

Then forgive yourself and whoever else in this moment. No need to carry any extra baggage you don't have to.

I'm really glad you have some alone time today, but if you get the chance for that bath tonight, take it!

dandylion

knowthetriggers....I remember sooo very well that when we are fighting over some smaller things...there is some bigger issue going on. It isn't really the clothes left on the floor or the milk left o n the counter. Those are just safer to fight over than a more threatening issue.
There is always a "reason" even if it is not apparent.

Also, I try to remember if it is PMS in the mix. Though I hesitate to blame everything o n PMS (that can become a scapegoat, also)....but, it does happen, sometimes....

dandylion

knowthetriggers

You make a valid point dandylion. I am having hormone issues. At the moment we are trying to regulate my thyroid. I have had thyroid issues since my early 20's. At times they are good for a few years then they go wacko! I am scheduled for my follow up this coming Friday. If my levels are too high then BINGO - that has something to do with the emotional roller coaster for sure.

As far as the fights - I get that....all too well. I try really hard not to disagree in front of the children, raised voices or not, but sometimes it gets the best of me.

knowthetriggers

I took a nice long hot shower and cried like a baby! Said the Serenity Prayer, asked my HP to take these feelings from me. And yes, I feel better. At the moment I feel I do owe it the kids to apologize for my out burst, perhaps the AH too, MAYBE. I need to think more about that one. IF I do decide to apologize it will only be for my bad mood because I did mean what I said about him making that selfish remark.

jjj111

ktt, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling overwhelmed! I have been in that place, too, where I blow up with loved ones over little things. I remember that when I was with my AXBF, I walked around feeling like a volcano just ready to blow. I think Dandylion is onto something that usually there is an underlying, larger issue not being addressed.

I think I shared with you in one of your other threads that I grew up in an alcoholic home and dealt with a lot of fighting, and that I continue to struggle with the aftermath. My parents were both alcoholics and both prone to anger. After they lost their temper with me, they would apologize. My Dad in particular would yell at me, I would run off to my room, and then my Mom would force him to come apologize, which he would tearfully do. I always felt a little numb during these apologies because I had heard them so many times before and knew that this was just part of the cycle and he would be yelling again soon enough. I think that instead of apologies, I would have benefited more from him working through his problems and finding some new coping strategies for his anger.

You seem like you have come to a new awareness lately of some of the patterns you're in with your husband and kids. I foresee better days ahead for you if you focus on yourself and figuring out what you need to be happier and on a more even keel.

knowthetriggers

Thanks! I bounced back pretty well. Being on my own for a while worked out pretty well.

I actually had lunch - alone - at my fav sub shop, picked up some salt and vinegar chips to match my mood (lol). As I ate them I realized that at first I really liked them - after a while they became pretty nasty, pretty much like my mood. I didn't like them much, I suppose that means I didn't like my mood much either. If I didn't like my toxic attitude then neither did my family!

I continued to finish them off to remind myself that they were pretty nasty, like my mood! I bought 4 cookies for the family. I quickly ate mine - then I remembered the AH does not like sweets, so I ate his too!! LOL!! That really made me feel better!!

I wished everyone I spoke with today either a good day or a Happy Valentine's Day. I sang in my car. I danced in my car. The dancing lead to the earring I am wearing to get stuck on my shirt, then I looked like a dumba@@ driving and trying to pull my earring out of my shirt (nice visual right). Then I laughed at myself!!

All in all I felt better and better. After the errands were done I called the eldest DD and asked her to be ready when I got home, the rest of my errands involved her. I took MY SWEET time getting home! But I sure did enjoy my time alone!

On a side note - my youngest DD started with the stomach ache again this morning. Remembering what the doctor told me I tried to diffuse her instead of being irritated. I remembered what others had posted before about anxiety. She does have some underlying anxiety so I asked if the argument between mom and dad last night upset her? She said no and was confused a little why I even asked her that. I said I was glad she was not upset over that because nothing was her fault and if it did upset her or if she was worried about something she could talk to me and I would listen.

When I came back about 2 hours later from running errands she was just fine.

So I've got lots of work ahead of me to correct my attitude but for my kids sake it will all be worth it!!

knowthetriggers

Dandylion - I've been thinking about what you said, fighting over the "small" stuff. I think, for me anyway, this was not really small. Talking about his selfishness in general, the comment he made is just what triggered my response. I have always held in my thoughts when he has made selfish comments like that. What I need to learn to do is not bite so hard when I react, especially in front of the kids.

I posted before about bouncing back later that afternoon. I did apologize to the kids for my bad attitude and told them it was no ones fault, mom just was in a mood. I spoke to my AH (who is still dry for the moment) and said I was sorry for my bad mood. He tells me, "well it is your mood to deal with". Sometimes I really hate it when he is right :P

We ended up having a nice evening. He actually apologized later for being selfish of wanting Chinese food. I explained that I thought he was just being selfish telling me that he "sacrificed" what HE wanted for HIS birthday for his family. At the end of the day I didn't really care what we ate, and yep, it ended up being Chinese food! LOL!!!! It is what the youngest DD asked to have for dinner.

WOW right!!!

Anyway - thanks for your thoughts! I know I have lots of work ahead of me but I feel like I am on my way....

Florence

Couples disagree sometimes. To me, it's better to model for children how parents disagree AND APOLOGIZE AND MAKE UP than to pretend that arguments and disagreements never happen at all.

When your children grow up and are in relationships, they will have disagreements too. You're the first and most complete imprint they will have -- show them how to do it right.

dandylion

knowthetriggers...I did not mean to trivialize the specific incident that you described as "small". I can certainly understand if something make a person feel angry...and that anger is expressed in some way. This happens in perfectly happy relationships. There will always be points of contention in any close relationship. ***It is not that you fight..it is how it is resolved that makes the difference***

What I was speaking to is a pattern that can emerge when there is misdirected or deflected anger over a deeper (or bigger) issue--- that is too scarey to address...so, it seeps out over other triggers. I am not even saying that the trigger is necessarily small--just *smaller* than the unaddressed issue.
I was speaking from a bigger, more global view. Kind of like standing on a hilltop and viewing the entire village...rather than focusing on a fire in a backyard- up close.

I was not trying to say that you reacted over something small..or that you should not have voiced your anger at him. (I think that constantly stuffing one's emotions can be detrimental).

I was just offering up another perspective with which to look at the situation.

LOL....if the shoe don't fit, though...by all means, don't wear it......................lol.

I can remember, once, when my husband's step daughter was venting to me about her annoyance at her husband. She was telling me about how "everything he does just makes me so mad. When he is taking a shower he keeps clearing his throat--and I just want to slap him". I asked her if he cleared his throat when he was in the shower when they were dating or first married....she said "yes, but it didn't bother me, then, but all his little habits annoy me, now". (the back story on this is that he had let an old friend who was separated from his wife move into the basement apartment in their house--and, he had been spending all his spare time hanging with his friend and neglecting her....BUT, she was reluctant to express her frustration about this to him. He had a pattern of doing what he wanted without ever taking her feeling into consideration ***THIS was what she was really angry at--it was just safer to be angry at him clearing his throat.

knowthetriggers...the above is just an example that comes to my mind as a way of illustrating the principle that I had referred to in my post to you....

dandylion

knowthetriggers

Dandy -

I would never take what you said out of context. You got me to really stop and think though - so your "point", well I would say it worked!!

It's all good!!