spiderqueen

Hi all you fine folks,
If you have a minute, I could use a little reminder...

XABF contacted me via text yesterday, after a long period of no contact, with a simple "I love you" message.

This after finding out just last month from his elderly mom that he was in bad shape again and although he had been working a program over last summer & fall, he apparently went off the rails. (She called me in desperation from across the country when she couldn't reach him for almost 2 weeks.)

I have moved on. But there is a nagging feeling that a simple act of kindness on my part, such as responding to the text with "I hope you are feeling better and taking care of yourself" might give him some hope and encouragement to keep up the fight.

I have known and loved this man for most of my adult life; it simply seems cruel to ignore him. But maybe it's the right thing to do - for him? For me? Is there anything I can say that would help us both? Or is silence really the best response?

Thanks everyone.

suki44883

If it were me, I wouldn't respond. You don't say how long you have been "no contact," but to all of a sudden send a message of "I love you" smacks of an attempt to tug at your heart strings and possibly draw you back into the chaos of life with an alcoholic.

You will do whatever you feel is right, but like I said, if it were me, I'd just leave it alone.

LemonGirl

I'm in your boat looking for the same answer

FeelingGreat

Hi SQ, is it a coincidence that he's texting you now he's fallen off the rails? He's had a long period of sobriety where he didn't feel the need to be in touch, but now he's in a bad way you're suddenly an option?

You know how difficult it is to move on. If you open up the lines of communication again, it will be really hard to keep away, for both of you.

spiderqueen

ack, good point.

LexieCat

I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after almost dying of it. It was hard to do, and I never hated him, though I could no longer stand living with his self-destruction.

For many years he would call me every few months, or so. He was always drunk. I would speak with him for five minutes or less and then tell him to take care. The last time I spoke with him was several years ago, but then a few months ago he called my old office looking for me. I thought that was strange, as I still have the same home phone number I've always had. I was glad, though, that he didn't call here. I don't like cutting him off and hanging up on him, but I'm not going to talk to him while he's drunk.

And really, at this point, even if he were sober I have no interest in reconnecting with him and I think it would send the wrong message if I did. It's over between us and it has been for over fifteen years.

I don't wish anything bad for him, but I don't want to connect with him. All the love I had for him at one time wasn't enough to get him sober. If he wants it he can get there without me.

bird13

I think Spiderqueen you have to go with how you feel. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, nothing we do can get them sober. We are only in charge of efforts, not results. At the end of the day, you have to personally be at peace with whatever choices you make, so in understanding that you should take time to listen to your heart as to what will make you truly ok and do that.

I got through tough times, or unsure moments, T's in the road, like this. One by one. Still do. Always hard and confusing, but listen to you.

Duckygirl1

It has to be awful. You don't hate him after all. It may seem "cruel" to ignore an "I love you" but if he has relapsed, the cruelty that he will bring back into your life won't get a second thought. I hate to say it, but the more I learn about this disease and the degraded nature of addicts, they seem almost like a sub species. They are predatory and instinctual driven by impulse rather than logic, empathy and intelligence . That is until healed. Those kind of reach out texts are like the sweet aroma a Venus flytrap emits. Your only hope of survival is not to be a fly.