50 Shades of Grey - A Psychiatrist's Letter to Young People

Old 02-15-2015, 06:17 PM
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On movies that have intense effect on the audience... probably some of you are familiar with Lars von Trier's work. I remember the first film I saw from him, Breaking the Waves, the theater had a lot of women crying so hard they could not stop. I even recall a woman from the theater riding the same bus as myself with her bf, and she was still crying hysterically. That movie has craziness and abuse themes that are far more realistic and effective than this 50 Shades and similar could ever be, I think. Well, Lars von Trier's work generally has that tendency. I personally love his work, certain aspects and effects in some films did "hit home" for me, and I liked the effect. But certainly some people took it to heart intensely.
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Old 02-15-2015, 06:30 PM
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Personally, I find it uncomfortable to talk about books or movies (or any other artistic expression) as "dangerous". I think that the ugly parts of the "Fifty Shades" story are a reflection of our society, rather than something that creates attitudes--the attitudes are already there.

God knows, I'm not a fan of anything that depicts abuse as pleasurable, but maybe it's my journalistic, First Amendment, background that gets its hackles up. Child pornography, or pornography created as a result of coercion, is dangerous.

We need to talk with our daughters and nieces and granddaughters and sisters and teach them what healthy love looks like. I wouldn't permit my young children to see it, and I would talk with older teenagers who see it.

Actually, the conversation that is happening around the movies IS good, because it does stimulate thoughtful discussions about what is and is not acceptable.
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:57 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Sorry about the not-G-rated material -- but let me summarize the main point I wanted to get across from the blog in the link that was removed:

What people do in the bedroom is between two consenting adults. That's not the reviewers main beef with this movie.

But the movie depicts controlling, emotional abuse in a positive light -- as something men should want to do to women and something women should want to have done to them: A wealthy man selling your car and buying you another that he then GPS-tracks to keep tabs on where you go, a man who tells you what you can wear, who you can associate with, what you can eat -- this is abuse, and has nothing to do with love and depicting it as something desirable is disturbing.
It isn't disturbing if you understand what a normal healthy woman who is not abused and would never allow herself to be abused finds sexually stimulating about the above scenario.

Since I can't go into detail due to the G rated nature of this forum I will just say that some women find the aspect of 'being bossed around by a man' to be a sexual FANTASY. Caps because it is just that, a fantasy. In real life they would never allow the bossing around let alone being abused in any way, shape, or form. During the fantasy or role playing no one is really hurt. The words 'safe, sane, and consensual' are buzzwords to people who find this a bedroom game. Just wanted to clear that up in case anyone thinks that this is real abuse. No way.

I agree though that if someone disturbed saw the movie that they might think it was one way to express real love. But if we based movies on what might happen if a disturbed or naive person saw it then we would probably be only allowed to watch Disney movies. It is rated R so there should be no minors there.

I realize that there are some here who have been abused and so the thought of this movie is off putting. I am the same way about anything to do with drinking/drugs. I don't watch movies where the theme is drinking. I don't laugh at jokes or things people put on facebook about being drunk or high. It isn't funny to me. But I have been burned by a family member who is addicted. I wouldn't try to ban those movies but I do personally boycott them so I can see your point of view. Absolutely don't watch it if it bothers you.

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Old 02-16-2015, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I think that women are a LOT smarter than you are giving them credit for.

We go to movies for entertainment and enjoyment, it's not *dangerous*. What is "hot" for some is not for others....I think that believing women are that shallow is discrediting, along with the younger women...the women who are so concerned about their daughters would be surprised if they actually got an honest answer from them, but they do not want to discuss with the mommies anymore than you or I want to discuss the sexual aspect with your 80- year old mamas.

it's a sexual fantasy, nothing more....(and most doctors will tell you, it's a common theme) and this is NOTHING new. I do remember watching the Story of O which was extremely abusive BDSM and although that is nothing I practice, it *enhanced* the bedroom for a bit....

whatever you practice, I hope you all respect yourselves.
So nice to see/hear a voice of reason!

There is nothing new about this story except that it isn't written as eloquently as most of the porn I've seen.

You're either "into" BDSM, or you're not. This film will do nothing to change your sexual preferences. Also, there are just as many guys who enjoy being dominated. BDSM practitioners are respectful of each other, have limitations, "safe" words, etc.

While the book is not my cup of tea, I don't know any fifty-something year old ladies who haven't read it- they all still seem okay to me!
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Old 02-16-2015, 05:59 AM
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I have not read all the responses, so I'm sorry if this has been said, but the books are really not representative of what happens in the BDSM world. I have spent time in that lifestyle. And for what it's worth, many many males are submissives-to females and to other males. Many people are also "switches", which means they alternate between being dominant and submissive. For some, this is simply sexual play and for others it is a full time lifestyle. Either way, from my personal experience, there are very strict rules for safety in this community.

Abuse is never ok. NEVER. but BDSM is not abuse. The books portray Ana as unwilling and she consents to acts she is uncomfortable with. A real Dom would never continue that.

I do not think that books or movies with this kind of content should be anywhere near children. But then again, I don't think that many of the music videos and song lyrics about b*itches and ho's and drugs and violence should be so available to children. I don't think that country music, with it's penchant for getting blind drunk at every opportunity is healthy for children either. 50 shades of Grey is the least of our worries when it comes to what our society has been exposing children to for a very long time.
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Old 02-16-2015, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by KariSue
then we would probably be only allowed to watch Disney movies.
Historically, Disney movies have provided the worst role models ever for young girls. The ideas that being pretty is valued above all and that you a need a man to rescue you both come straight from fairy tales. We give our little girls Barbies without batting an eye...even though "if scaled into real life proportions, she would be 5 feet, 9 inches, (1.75 m) measuring 36-18-33. According to research by the University Central Hospital in Helsinki, Finland, she would lack the requisite 17 to 22 percent of body fat required to menstruate." Ahhhh, a fine role model.

Thankfully Disney is moving toward female protagonists who are smart and resourceful, who don't need a prince to solve their problems.

If we want to talk about the impact 50 shades might have on our young women, we need to go back farther than that. Way farther.
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Old 02-16-2015, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by soberlicious View Post
If we want to talk about the impact 50 shades might have on our young women, we need to go back farther than that. Way farther.
Excellent point. We have a culture that still supports the Leave it to Beaver way of life in many institutions. Women have culturally been led to believe that they are supposed to be below men, economically, emotionally, sexually and otherwise. It was in place long before the 50s but TV and media has helped to shape things with a more ingrained notion.

Women have been empowered a lot in the past 20 or so years, but there are still a lot of perceptions they deal with that still is commonplace.
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Old 02-16-2015, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by hangnbyathread
Women have culturally been led to believe that they are supposed to be below men, economically, emotionally, sexually and otherwise.
I agree. That's why I think the problem with 50 shades is misplaced. It's the antiquated gender roles in 50 shades that are bothersome for me. In the BDSM world, gender roles are turned on their head. Yes, there are often male Doms and female subs, but as I said upthread, the D/s roles are not necessarily determined by gender and those roles aren't always permanent. Triads are also very popular, so we aren't even talking about relationships involving just two people. People in alternative lifestyles are not usually ones to stick to tradition, and that definitely includes traditional gender roles.

For what it's worth, most of my friends in the lifestyle laugh at 50 shades.
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Old 02-16-2015, 07:29 PM
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Hello people,

Please remeber that we have children reading. I have removed some posts that are not G-rated.

Perhaps it is time to move this convo to PM'S. The orinal questions about the movie have been answered. Questions about the "lifestyle" are not appropriate for children.

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Old 02-16-2015, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Hello people,

Please remeber that we have children reading. I have removed some posts that are not G-rated.

Perhaps it is time to move this convo to PM'S. The orinal questions about the movie have been answered. Questions about the "lifestyle" are not appropriate for children.

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Geesh...I would hope that not a lot of children read a MAJORITY of these posts.....not just this one.
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:10 AM
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I agree FTS. If a minor has to come to SR, s/he is unfortunately not a child anymore. I find the ravages caused by addiction far more obscene than "kinky" sex.
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Old 02-11-2018, 01:09 PM
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Bump.
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Old 02-11-2018, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango blast View Post
Bump.
How come you bumped it, Mango? This thread is not all apropriate for children. Send me a PM and maybe we can work something out.

See my comments here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post5206285 (50 Shades of Grey - A Psychiatrist's Letter to Young People)

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