I'm losing it
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, at least his delusions are predictable. Sheesh.
I had to google "jamberry nails"--yeah, I'm apparently out of the loop. I still haven't been able to bring myself to use even nail polish that doesn't resemble something found in nature--brownish colors are as wild as I get (though I sometimes go hot pink with the toenails in summer).
I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING about what you are doing/whom you are seeing. It's none of his business. You don't HAVE to talk to him just because you don't have the order. Could you tell him that the only topic you are willing to discuss with him is anything essential regarding HIS children? And if he brings up other issues, just say, "I told you we weren't going to discuss other things. Anything else you need to know about the kids?" And if there isn't, then say goodbye and hang up.
I had to google "jamberry nails"--yeah, I'm apparently out of the loop. I still haven't been able to bring myself to use even nail polish that doesn't resemble something found in nature--brownish colors are as wild as I get (though I sometimes go hot pink with the toenails in summer).
I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING about what you are doing/whom you are seeing. It's none of his business. You don't HAVE to talk to him just because you don't have the order. Could you tell him that the only topic you are willing to discuss with him is anything essential regarding HIS children? And if he brings up other issues, just say, "I told you we weren't going to discuss other things. Anything else you need to know about the kids?" And if there isn't, then say goodbye and hang up.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Well, at least his delusions are predictable. Sheesh.
I had to google "jamberry nails"--yeah, I'm apparently out of the loop. I still haven't been able to bring myself to use even nail polish that doesn't resemble something found in nature--brownish colors are as wild as I get (though I sometimes go hot pink with the toenails in summer).
I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING about what you are doing/whom you are seeing. It's none of his business. You don't HAVE to talk to him just because you don't have the order. Could you tell him that the only topic you are willing to discuss with him is anything essential regarding HIS children? And if he brings up other issues, just say, "I told you we weren't going to discuss other things. Anything else you need to know about the kids?" And if there isn't, then say goodbye and hang up.
I had to google "jamberry nails"--yeah, I'm apparently out of the loop. I still haven't been able to bring myself to use even nail polish that doesn't resemble something found in nature--brownish colors are as wild as I get (though I sometimes go hot pink with the toenails in summer).
I wouldn't tell him ANYTHING about what you are doing/whom you are seeing. It's none of his business. You don't HAVE to talk to him just because you don't have the order. Could you tell him that the only topic you are willing to discuss with him is anything essential regarding HIS children? And if he brings up other issues, just say, "I told you we weren't going to discuss other things. Anything else you need to know about the kids?" And if there isn't, then say goodbye and hang up.
Yes, after my conversation about the study group-- I don't intend to tell him anything. It's gotten me no where...so I'm just going to stop.
Yes, I will leave it about the kids and that is all.
He has my 9 year old right now-- they are at his boss's shop putting a starter in the nissan. So that's about all the interaction I want at this point. Good riddance
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You could try not talking to him.
why does he have the kid if he is not trustworthy. why does he tell you that his car is not working.
I have stayed out of these latest conversations because my Spidey Sense is tingling and not in a good way. leopards (I first typed leotards) don't change their spots even if you shave their coats....it grows back the same.
please think this through and withdraw from so much daily conversation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I agree with above posts.
Just because he went behind your back and got the no contact order dropped
doesn't mean you have to have contact beyond minimum needed for kids.
I'm with Fandy. Spidey Sense really jangling here too.
Tell him you will not be speaking to him on a daily basis because
whether you can see it or not, he is decentering you from you right now.
You are the one facing surgery, caring for kids, and exams,
and he is cross-examining you on your study partners?
Get real dude and mind your own recovery program, not you paranoid delusions about your wife.
Just because he went behind your back and got the no contact order dropped
doesn't mean you have to have contact beyond minimum needed for kids.
I'm with Fandy. Spidey Sense really jangling here too.
Tell him you will not be speaking to him on a daily basis because
whether you can see it or not, he is decentering you from you right now.
You are the one facing surgery, caring for kids, and exams,
and he is cross-examining you on your study partners?
Get real dude and mind your own recovery program, not you paranoid delusions about your wife.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I don't engage with him daily- which is why when I did allow him to have my son with him while he fixed the truck, he drilled me.
So-- I'm not really engaging in the way you all are thinking. A text at the night saying goodnight and what he has learned at his meetings has been about the extent of our communication.
He hasn't done anything but be himself--- so what the hell do I expect? Is is ok for me to have expectations of him NOT being unreasonable? NO-- so my engaging was my choice and I got just the conversation that is typical with this individual. My fault- not his. He is just being himself. We all know it is foolish to expect anything different.
Yep, I'm probably frustrating the hell out of everyone at this point. I'm probably not making the choices that everyone wants me to make right now...but I am doing the best I can. My 9 year old son loves him dearly. They are in a public place. AH is NOT drinking. My 9 year old wanted to spend time with his dad. They are not at my house. I have hours and hours of homework- so I let him go. Maybe I could have done things better, maybe I could have....but I didn't.
Thanks for everything you guys....I appreciate all of you
So-- I'm not really engaging in the way you all are thinking. A text at the night saying goodnight and what he has learned at his meetings has been about the extent of our communication.
He hasn't done anything but be himself--- so what the hell do I expect? Is is ok for me to have expectations of him NOT being unreasonable? NO-- so my engaging was my choice and I got just the conversation that is typical with this individual. My fault- not his. He is just being himself. We all know it is foolish to expect anything different.
Yep, I'm probably frustrating the hell out of everyone at this point. I'm probably not making the choices that everyone wants me to make right now...but I am doing the best I can. My 9 year old son loves him dearly. They are in a public place. AH is NOT drinking. My 9 year old wanted to spend time with his dad. They are not at my house. I have hours and hours of homework- so I let him go. Maybe I could have done things better, maybe I could have....but I didn't.
Thanks for everything you guys....I appreciate all of you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by freetosmile
Yep, I'm probably frustrating the hell out of everyone at this point.
We know we're here to support you, not lead you.
If you could see yourself through our eyes I don't think you would think you're frustrating us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
I don't have much to add in the way of advice, but I just want to write that I think you're doing great. Could you have done things better? I don't know. Sometimes there's no one best decision and each one has unlikeable consequences. I know you're doing what you think is best and sometimes that's all we can do as parents. And sometimes another choice may have been better (not implying anything about your decision with your 9 year old son), but that's not known until afterward. Unlike the algebra or the other subjects you're studying there's no definitive rule book on how to proceed.
Getting a little wordy, but once again I want to emphasize the I think you're doing a great job and that your instincts to take care of yourself and your children are soundly grounded.
Getting a little wordy, but once again I want to emphasize the I think you're doing a great job and that your instincts to take care of yourself and your children are soundly grounded.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
free...I see it as people who care so much about you are giving you feedback. You don't HAVE to do everything or anything just to please others...Just take whatever feedback and evaluate it for yourself...and, use it or not use it in whatever ways you decide are appropriate...that is what we all do in the end, anyway...lol.
I think it helps to have a few phrases that will stop him in his tracks when he attempts to "drill" you. Remember not to JADE (Justify--Argue--Defend--Explain).
Short and Sweet. "I am not going to discuss that"....or, something similar. "This conversation is now over" (click)....is my old favorite....LOL.
dandylion
I think it helps to have a few phrases that will stop him in his tracks when he attempts to "drill" you. Remember not to JADE (Justify--Argue--Defend--Explain).
Short and Sweet. "I am not going to discuss that"....or, something similar. "This conversation is now over" (click)....is my old favorite....LOL.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
What I've found helpful in figuring out whether someone is actually doing their work, is to simply set a boundary or say no while said someone is trying to put on the charm or manipulate.
Their reaction will tell you all you need to know.
You will figure this out as you go...
Just keep in mind that these situations do escalate and do not get better on their own. And, he hasn't "got you back" yet, for how you dealt with his last escalation.
(((Hugs)))
Their reaction will tell you all you need to know.
You will figure this out as you go...
Just keep in mind that these situations do escalate and do not get better on their own. And, he hasn't "got you back" yet, for how you dealt with his last escalation.
(((Hugs)))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, heavens! Freetosmile, the exhaustion and frustration you feel are apparent in what you are sharing...and I'm sending hugs and prayers for relief from all of this. Even for just a few days!
I have a great relationship with my mother, but I don't think I could have her come take care of me after surgery, so I get it about not wanting your mother there under the previous circumstances.
Hoping and praying for a brilliant caregiver solution and that Mr. Sunshine and Light will lay off for a bit!
I have a great relationship with my mother, but I don't think I could have her come take care of me after surgery, so I get it about not wanting your mother there under the previous circumstances.
Hoping and praying for a brilliant caregiver solution and that Mr. Sunshine and Light will lay off for a bit!
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