I'm losing it
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I'll have to look and see about getting someone in here and no... the sheriff's wife and I are not even aquainted. I will probably call my grandma tomorrow. I just don't want to put the pressure on her. She gets so worked up when gramps starts getting ill.
I know all you guys would be here in a heartbeat if we all weren't scattered around the globe, and I appreciate that. I know I'll feel better after the surgery and if I start eating and sleeping better starting NOW- I should heal quicker. As it stands right now, my nutrition is crap..I eat WELL I just don't eat often or enough in quantity.
I'm sure I can look in the paper and find some in home care-giver type thing. At least for the kids. I had just planned on having another month and a half to figure this all out- but oh well.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I will make some calls:
1. DV advocate- see what, if anything, they offer.
2. To some in home care places- if we have them.
Then I will type up a menu of high protein with lots of dark leafy greens to eat this week so I can get my nutrition back up there. Lots of vit. C too for my immune system.
Tomorrow I will speak with the kids about the upcoming schedule and let them know what to expect.
I will probably tell mom- no. She never cleans up after herself and it wold just cause me more anxiety.
And I found out that we don't have a cab service here, so I will get on the transportation from hospital thing.
Ha! Then I will spend the rest of the weekend doing homework, laundry (which is out of control), and spending time with kiddos.
I can do this. Really I can. I don't really have a choice no matter how much I want to b!itch about it- right?
Thanks guys! I don't know where I would be without ya!
I know all you guys would be here in a heartbeat if we all weren't scattered around the globe, and I appreciate that. I know I'll feel better after the surgery and if I start eating and sleeping better starting NOW- I should heal quicker. As it stands right now, my nutrition is crap..I eat WELL I just don't eat often or enough in quantity.
I'm sure I can look in the paper and find some in home care-giver type thing. At least for the kids. I had just planned on having another month and a half to figure this all out- but oh well.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I will make some calls:
1. DV advocate- see what, if anything, they offer.
2. To some in home care places- if we have them.
Then I will type up a menu of high protein with lots of dark leafy greens to eat this week so I can get my nutrition back up there. Lots of vit. C too for my immune system.
Tomorrow I will speak with the kids about the upcoming schedule and let them know what to expect.
I will probably tell mom- no. She never cleans up after herself and it wold just cause me more anxiety.
And I found out that we don't have a cab service here, so I will get on the transportation from hospital thing.
Ha! Then I will spend the rest of the weekend doing homework, laundry (which is out of control), and spending time with kiddos.
I can do this. Really I can. I don't really have a choice no matter how much I want to b!itch about it- right?
Thanks guys! I don't know where I would be without ya!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
free,
Just know sometimes we can JADE ourselves. I've done it plenty of times. I just can't get rid of the image in my head with my ex strutting around with all his peacock feathers in full bloom, for what a good job he did in taking care of me, when it was all for him, and how he looked to other people. Sometimes I do actually think that he did do it for me, even though he said what he said, but ultimately, whether he cared for me or not wasn't the issue. He needed people to like him. He needed for me to be the b!tch, so it worked for him.
But anyways, got new computer now, think I figured out how to post pictures, so for 1/2 hour today, will post some of my pics. Then will take it down.
Be good to yourself tonight.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Also know if I was within a 5 hr drive from you, I would take care of you.
Just know sometimes we can JADE ourselves. I've done it plenty of times. I just can't get rid of the image in my head with my ex strutting around with all his peacock feathers in full bloom, for what a good job he did in taking care of me, when it was all for him, and how he looked to other people. Sometimes I do actually think that he did do it for me, even though he said what he said, but ultimately, whether he cared for me or not wasn't the issue. He needed people to like him. He needed for me to be the b!tch, so it worked for him.
But anyways, got new computer now, think I figured out how to post pictures, so for 1/2 hour today, will post some of my pics. Then will take it down.
Be good to yourself tonight.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Also know if I was within a 5 hr drive from you, I would take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just know that sometimes the easiest path, is the hardest path. I didn't tell u my story for anything other to let you know how he can worm himself right back in. I was down. I was so done I was burnt out. This was way before I new what abuse was.
He was so good to me................... I spent another 8 years in hell, where I was emotionally paralyzed, the abuse and control came on that fast, that my head was just spinning. Why???? Because he feared me getting stronger. he upped his abuse, and stupid me, I didn't even know what abuse was till 4 years later.
Please do this by yourself, get neighbors to help, make friends, don't let him come in like the peacock, with all his feathers out. You will pay more dearly for that. You will feel like you owe him. He will feel that also. Like you owe him.
That's the only reason I told u my story.
Let your wings fly now, I know u can. Make friends with those neighbors, that your AH never liked. I know it's hard, I know how you feel. It's hard to get out of the house. Your mentioned anemic. I couldn't pass a bathroom up without dropping 20 blood clots. Maybe too much TMI. Yes, I counted them. I know you can do it, but for Gods sake and for your sake, don't allow your mother to come. I think your kids will shock with how much they love you.
Always thinking about you.....................
You are so strong, so beautiful, sooooooo just everything..................
You just go girl..................
Did I tell you today that I luv ya???
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
amy
He was so good to me................... I spent another 8 years in hell, where I was emotionally paralyzed, the abuse and control came on that fast, that my head was just spinning. Why???? Because he feared me getting stronger. he upped his abuse, and stupid me, I didn't even know what abuse was till 4 years later.
Please do this by yourself, get neighbors to help, make friends, don't let him come in like the peacock, with all his feathers out. You will pay more dearly for that. You will feel like you owe him. He will feel that also. Like you owe him.
That's the only reason I told u my story.
Let your wings fly now, I know u can. Make friends with those neighbors, that your AH never liked. I know it's hard, I know how you feel. It's hard to get out of the house. Your mentioned anemic. I couldn't pass a bathroom up without dropping 20 blood clots. Maybe too much TMI. Yes, I counted them. I know you can do it, but for Gods sake and for your sake, don't allow your mother to come. I think your kids will shock with how much they love you.
Always thinking about you.....................
You are so strong, so beautiful, sooooooo just everything..................
You just go girl..................
Did I tell you today that I luv ya???
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: M0
Posts: 6
You can do this. I have been exactly where you and many others are. Sometimes it is absolutely unfathomable what is left behind by the alcoholic in our lives for us to maintain, clean up, forget, forgive.
We all have those days where simply putting one foot forward to take the next baby step seems impossible because we're exhausted. I can tell you from experience that it is worth every ounce of energy and willpower that you have to dredge up to get it done. I needed those pity party days just to have an excuse to give myself that few moments of respite to stop for a second and let some of those awful feelings bubble up to the surface and to get them out of my head.
Like Amy55, I too went through cervical cancer chemo, radiation and surgery. Unfortunately I had to do it alone because my then AH didn't even care what people thought about whether he did the right thing as a husband and father. He was rapidly progressing into his disease at that time.
When he left after I gave him the choice of his family and 18 year marriage or alcohol and bar floozies and he chose the booze and women because "he didn't have a problem and never cheated", I was suddenly a single parent of a junior and senior in high school and running our restaurant business myself. In addition to that maddening mess left on my plate, I had a lot of complications from my cancer battle and continued to have to deal with them alone.
Today, I still have mini pity parties but they last seconds versus an entire day. I am stronger and wiser when it comes to people and relationships, my relationship with my kids is the best it's ever been and they are thriving in college away from home (both made the Dean's list!)
Sometimes it's hard to see beyond all the heartache and stress and believe that we'll make it through all of this, but you will. What helped me more than anything was coming to SR and reading this board every single day. I have Al-anon meetings too but this board helped more than anything.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of yourself and your babies. Someday you'll be able to look back and see how strong and amazing you were.
We all have those days where simply putting one foot forward to take the next baby step seems impossible because we're exhausted. I can tell you from experience that it is worth every ounce of energy and willpower that you have to dredge up to get it done. I needed those pity party days just to have an excuse to give myself that few moments of respite to stop for a second and let some of those awful feelings bubble up to the surface and to get them out of my head.
Like Amy55, I too went through cervical cancer chemo, radiation and surgery. Unfortunately I had to do it alone because my then AH didn't even care what people thought about whether he did the right thing as a husband and father. He was rapidly progressing into his disease at that time.
When he left after I gave him the choice of his family and 18 year marriage or alcohol and bar floozies and he chose the booze and women because "he didn't have a problem and never cheated", I was suddenly a single parent of a junior and senior in high school and running our restaurant business myself. In addition to that maddening mess left on my plate, I had a lot of complications from my cancer battle and continued to have to deal with them alone.
Today, I still have mini pity parties but they last seconds versus an entire day. I am stronger and wiser when it comes to people and relationships, my relationship with my kids is the best it's ever been and they are thriving in college away from home (both made the Dean's list!)
Sometimes it's hard to see beyond all the heartache and stress and believe that we'll make it through all of this, but you will. What helped me more than anything was coming to SR and reading this board every single day. I have Al-anon meetings too but this board helped more than anything.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of yourself and your babies. Someday you'll be able to look back and see how strong and amazing you were.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
free....I, also, think that it is important not to be in a position of "beholding" to him for anything. What might feel, to you, as natural and normal "helpful" gestures within a healthy relationship......may well be turned on you, down the road. It is just amazing what
a list of things that they can pull out of their back pocket when the time is right...when they feel the need to push your "guilt" buttons to manipulate you.
"Remember when I was the one who was there for you!!?" "Don't I deserve something!?"
"Where would you be if it hadn't been for me!?" "Where could you find anyone else to treat you as good as I have!?" etc,....etc......
I would suggest that you not make a point of letting him know how you are coping without him (mum is the word)....as he might get the idea that you are getting too strong. You know..just go quietly on your way, just as you have been....
dandylion
a list of things that they can pull out of their back pocket when the time is right...when they feel the need to push your "guilt" buttons to manipulate you.
"Remember when I was the one who was there for you!!?" "Don't I deserve something!?"
"Where would you be if it hadn't been for me!?" "Where could you find anyone else to treat you as good as I have!?" etc,....etc......
I would suggest that you not make a point of letting him know how you are coping without him (mum is the word)....as he might get the idea that you are getting too strong. You know..just go quietly on your way, just as you have been....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Just as an aside, you have preteens and teens. They should be doing the laundry. Back in the day when mine were kids I taught them to do their own laundry as soon as they were old enough to reach the washer controls. I may have even given them a step stool so they could, don't remember, lol.
But really they can do laundry and probably a lot of other things.
Take care, Kari
But really they can do laundry and probably a lot of other things.
Take care, Kari
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Aww sweet girl!!!! I hate it things are so stinking awful for you!!! It will get better!
There is so much to address and everyone is giving you some wonderful love and advice..so...here is something to think on: You said your laundry is piled high; if your teens have not learned to do their own laundry, now is the time to teach them. If you need to, type it out, print it, and tape it in the laundry room for them to read until they get it. I've taught all of my sons to do their own laundry. While you are medically down, they can do yours too until you get back on your feet. You can even establish times/days each does laundry to prevent fights over washer/dryer. This would be one load off your back.
Second...meals....there are a lot of things easily prepared by your eldest children until your back on your feet. Other chores can be shared for a short time too. Just sit your sweet little teens and tweens down and explain that you really need them right now but it will be short term. They love you..no kid like to "work" but they will do this for you so let them. There is nothing wrong with having them step it up short term.
Free..you are such a wonderful person and mom..it's all going to be ok hon. Wish I lived closer because i would be more than happy to help. Hugs
There is so much to address and everyone is giving you some wonderful love and advice..so...here is something to think on: You said your laundry is piled high; if your teens have not learned to do their own laundry, now is the time to teach them. If you need to, type it out, print it, and tape it in the laundry room for them to read until they get it. I've taught all of my sons to do their own laundry. While you are medically down, they can do yours too until you get back on your feet. You can even establish times/days each does laundry to prevent fights over washer/dryer. This would be one load off your back.
Second...meals....there are a lot of things easily prepared by your eldest children until your back on your feet. Other chores can be shared for a short time too. Just sit your sweet little teens and tweens down and explain that you really need them right now but it will be short term. They love you..no kid like to "work" but they will do this for you so let them. There is nothing wrong with having them step it up short term.
Free..you are such a wonderful person and mom..it's all going to be ok hon. Wish I lived closer because i would be more than happy to help. Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ok first kudos to you in dealing with all of this I think you are doing a great job with handling the many stressors that you have right now, even though it may not seem like it.
I don't have to tell you this is major surgery you already know it. From having experience in supporting many women through it the recovery is more than 2 days (whether you are getting a traditional abdominal H, laparoscopic or robotic). 2 weeks on the low end, if an abdominal more.
I hear you on your mom. Would she be entirely useless and just a stressor, or will she offer some relief, and at the very least take care of the kids and you along with some undesirable behaviors? Putting it out there if there is not another option perhaps you should go there.
Thank you Amy55 for the reminder not to be swayed by AH. I have not been put in that situation and didn't think that this would be an opportunity for him to weasel back in.
I don't have to tell you this is major surgery you already know it. From having experience in supporting many women through it the recovery is more than 2 days (whether you are getting a traditional abdominal H, laparoscopic or robotic). 2 weeks on the low end, if an abdominal more.
I hear you on your mom. Would she be entirely useless and just a stressor, or will she offer some relief, and at the very least take care of the kids and you along with some undesirable behaviors? Putting it out there if there is not another option perhaps you should go there.
Thank you Amy55 for the reminder not to be swayed by AH. I have not been put in that situation and didn't think that this would be an opportunity for him to weasel back in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I'm sorry FTS =(
Please know that what this situation means is that in the future, no more isolation. People need each other, quite literally... And those of us who try to do it all and never reach out for help will find these types of situations over and over again with no one to turn to. I have my friends trained that I "don't need them", I have my mother trained that I "will do whatever she needs", I have my ex bf's trained that I "didn't need to lean on them, but they could lean on me"... Heck, one boyfriend I couldn't ever offer him anything! He made more money, he didn't really need me for emotional support, or help with anything... And I just felt so useless in the relationship. Actually, that one came down to him being emotionally unavailable, but man... typical codie problems...
Anyway, you can get through this. Not as superwoman, but you'll survive. But I pray you take heed to the lesson here and build yourself a good support system in real life. It really is too bad that we can't be there physically for each other. We'd all be an unstoppable machine!
(((hugs)))
Please know that what this situation means is that in the future, no more isolation. People need each other, quite literally... And those of us who try to do it all and never reach out for help will find these types of situations over and over again with no one to turn to. I have my friends trained that I "don't need them", I have my mother trained that I "will do whatever she needs", I have my ex bf's trained that I "didn't need to lean on them, but they could lean on me"... Heck, one boyfriend I couldn't ever offer him anything! He made more money, he didn't really need me for emotional support, or help with anything... And I just felt so useless in the relationship. Actually, that one came down to him being emotionally unavailable, but man... typical codie problems...
Anyway, you can get through this. Not as superwoman, but you'll survive. But I pray you take heed to the lesson here and build yourself a good support system in real life. It really is too bad that we can't be there physically for each other. We'd all be an unstoppable machine!
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Free, I seem to be coming into all of your threads late this last week. Well after all of the good advice has been given.
So I'll just send you my love. Happy Valentines Day, Sweetheart!
I know, all too well, what it's like to live away from any support system. Part of it was due to the military, and part was due to that weird self isolation that come when living with someone advancing in their addiction.
I started taking stock, about a year ago, of whom I would call in an emergency. I actually asked at Alanon once if they would ever help out in an emergency. They, of course, said yes. Sure, I would rather have family, or close buddies living nearby, but it was great to know that these people would chip in if needed.
What part of the country do you live in Free? I seem to remember it being in the north, but I thought I'd ask anyway on the off chance you're down here in my neck of the woods.
So I'll just send you my love. Happy Valentines Day, Sweetheart!
I know, all too well, what it's like to live away from any support system. Part of it was due to the military, and part was due to that weird self isolation that come when living with someone advancing in their addiction.
I started taking stock, about a year ago, of whom I would call in an emergency. I actually asked at Alanon once if they would ever help out in an emergency. They, of course, said yes. Sure, I would rather have family, or close buddies living nearby, but it was great to know that these people would chip in if needed.
What part of the country do you live in Free? I seem to remember it being in the north, but I thought I'd ask anyway on the off chance you're down here in my neck of the woods.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by SeriousKarma 
I started taking stock, about a year ago, of whom I would call in an emergency. I actually asked at Alanon once if they would ever help out in an emergency. They, of course, said yes. Sure, I would rather have family, or close buddies living nearby, but it was great to know that these people would chip in if needed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Oh yes, the kids love to do their own laundry....it's folding it and putting it AWAY that is the kicker.
This Valentines day sucks...not that I put too much stake in it anyhow...my sister wanted to come down and bring me some pork (we went half and half on a hog) and she wanted to buy one of my deep freezes since we have two. Also she is selling jamberry nails and I wanted to sell them down here too, since they are awesome, and being at the college would put me in a prime market.
AH just pitched a fit. What the eff ever. Again, your not here because of your bad choices. Your not here because you are violent and abusive. You're not here because you behave so poorly that you must be segragated from the family. Please excuse my spelling, my spell checker isn't working...along with a host of other things that aren't working in my life right now....
AH says I'm disrespecting him by allowing my sister to come down even when he has asked to not have her at HIS house.
Yes my sister is dysfunctional. Yes, my sister is not very trustworthy, yada yada...but it's NOT his call...He is all of the above too and I'm still draggin his ass around.
Well I would still love to see your photo amy, I'm sorry I missed it. I better hit the homework.
Also AH was getting on me about who was in my study group, how often we meet, and all that jazz. He's still clinging to his insecurities like white on rice. It's very frustrating.
This Valentines day sucks...not that I put too much stake in it anyhow...my sister wanted to come down and bring me some pork (we went half and half on a hog) and she wanted to buy one of my deep freezes since we have two. Also she is selling jamberry nails and I wanted to sell them down here too, since they are awesome, and being at the college would put me in a prime market.
AH just pitched a fit. What the eff ever. Again, your not here because of your bad choices. Your not here because you are violent and abusive. You're not here because you behave so poorly that you must be segragated from the family. Please excuse my spelling, my spell checker isn't working...along with a host of other things that aren't working in my life right now....
AH says I'm disrespecting him by allowing my sister to come down even when he has asked to not have her at HIS house.
Yes my sister is dysfunctional. Yes, my sister is not very trustworthy, yada yada...but it's NOT his call...He is all of the above too and I'm still draggin his ass around.
Well I would still love to see your photo amy, I'm sorry I missed it. I better hit the homework.
Also AH was getting on me about who was in my study group, how often we meet, and all that jazz. He's still clinging to his insecurities like white on rice. It's very frustrating.
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