DoubleDragons

I have a plethora of people in my life who will tell me what I want to hear. I have a crazy, alcoholic in my life with absolutely no filter. My AM is the only person in my life who has told me that she hates me.

I agree with you, Free. The reason that I have been on both sides of SR for over 16 months, regularly, is because it is the one place in my life that I truly believe that the people have my best interests at heart. There are no ulterior motives. There can't be. And it is so refreshing . . . .

An over-filtered SR would be pointless to me.

MissFixit

I support Free to be able to post her opinion. There have many posts recently that state the opposite. Allowing both opinions is a balanced approach. No one here is a professional paid to give their advice here. No one is paid to give their experience or support here either. Folks do all of the above and it works for the most part. Some people are thicker skinned, some people are thinner skinned. Such is life.

I have never seen anyone harm anyone else here. It is an open PUBLIC forum. It is not an exclusive club. People are polite most of the time. That is pretty good.

A solution might be to create an abuse forum. People who are being abused can seek out that forum for abuse victims rather than lump in with everyone else. There are so many sub-forums anyway, what's one more? This topic keeps coming up, so why not create a special section for people who need that, since not everyone does.

LexieCat

The SR team has a lengthy, well-thought-out set of reasons for not creating an "abuse" subforum. There are valid reasons for not doing it, as well as valid reasons for doing it. Ultimately, though, the creators of the forum are responsible for using their best judgment in these matters. The point is that they HAVE considered it, but at this time the forum is not equipped to do that.

Fortunately, we do have many members experienced with various aspects of abuse issues, including survivors and a few folks who deal with the issue professionally. I am not an advocate, so I don't work with victims/survivors directly, but I have some professional knowledge about how the legal system works (in general--I cannot give anyone legal advice) and what kinds of services are available. So I think we still can do a pretty good job of helping people caught in an abusive relationship get pointed in the right direction so they can increase their own safety.

dandylion

Yes, I do think that getting those who are suffering abuse "pointed in the right direction" is the really important thing that we can do.
What I have noticed, is that the majority come here assuming that all the problems are alcohol related and do not realize that abuse is even a separate issue..or, even an issue at all. That is why an alcohol forum is sought out, in the first place. We are sort of like a switching station in that respect. Since most would never seek out help for abuse at the outset....I think this gives a big opportunity for us to tactfully guide others for ADDITIONAL help.

anyways, that is how I have been looking at it.....

dandylion

hopeful4

Free, great post!

Lexie and Dandy, I think you guys are spot on. I do my best that I can to encourage in a kind way. However, I know I am in no way qualified to do anything but point someone who has been abused in the right direction. I can also wrap them in love because I know they need that, it's a given.

Love you guys!!!!!!

Refiner

Free, I found this thread you started to be WONDERFUL and so truthful! I was a bit taken a-back by the mod's response, actually.

Refiner

What is inaccurate?

Stung

The items that Mike addressed.

Refiner

I think that's a stretch to say her post was inaccurate. (by the reasons FTS posted afterward) But we can agree to disagree, I guess. It's all in how one reads it and takes it in and it resonates with them. To make a blanket statement it was inaccurate seems a bit strong, to me.

Stung

Okay, choose a different word. I didn't mean it in a derogatory way. Mike clarified her post then.

I think nit-picking my word selection is a little unnecessary.

Jane11

I like this original thread fts, and I have found the continuation of it thought provoking- especially the latter part about abuse in the relationship, and the point dandy made.

I can't speak for anyone else but I know it is true for me that when I came here I did think that both the emotional and physical abuse as part of my relationship were just to do with the alcohol alone- since being here I have questioned that and come to see it from a different viewpoint and have been grateful for all input I have received- from those who have suffered directly abuse and those who have not (although I know everyone here has to some level).

On some level I guess when I first posted here I did read some responses as being rather abrupt- but I'm not sure whether that was because they were abrupt, I perceived them that way, or I was in such an emotional mess and had felt attacked for so long this was how I viewed everyone's opinion about the situation as I was still in 'defence mode' of the relationship- maybe a combination of all of that.

However in amongst what I may have read as some abrupt responses (or responses that weren't necessarily to my liking) I found true words of compassion and concern towards me and my welfare from complete strangers- and that is why I keep coming back and am very grateful for this place and the people on it.

NYCDoglvr

Free ....... you put that beautifully! Thank you so much for posting it. In early Alanon days I was complaining about xrabf to someone after a meeting. Her response: "well, you picked him!" I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Granted, it was a very insensitive thing to say, but I remember those words to this day. It did bring about a shift in seeing my problem and may have been the real start of my recovery. Because it was true.

One of the biggest benefits of SR is seeing us all grow. If you can change then perhaps I can too.

zee11

SR for me is like hitting reality.
I`ve noticed a pattern between myself and other users, we always post about our partners, thinking we can help them, and they are nothing like the alcoholics who older users describe. And what people say, giving their experiences generally hits something and then they identify and realise I`m not alone, and more people are going through this just like me.
Perhaps the most important is that there is a way out, and you can`t do anything about it and your not to blame for someone else`s behaviour :-)

freetosmile

Thanks everyone, I'm so blessed to have friends like you all!

sauerkraut

Hi,
As a relative newbie, I just wanted to say thank you for this clarifying discussion. I think I got freetosmile's point about how accepting and understanding the folks are on this forum. Also, it was helpful to me to hear Mike's point about being careful not to be harsh as some people (probably including me, now that I think about it) are in abusive relationships where they get only too much of that already. I think you both make good points, and I learned from both of your perspectives. Just my 2 cents.

LemonGirl

Hi FTS! I like this thread, and I think it is important that we all get this out on the table about internet etiquette and what we should and should not be doing here on SR. So don't feel bad about how you said anything, originally. I have to agree with DesertEyes that there have been some members who seem to be coming on a little too hard when others are posting. I too have posted some threads and have had to realize that my intention was completely misunderstood by many people reading it.

This is what happens. Each head is a different world. I come here and listen and read with a specific mind set based on my personal experiences and my particular mood at that moment. And so does everybody else who comes here. That is why when I said something like ("unintentional" date with my xabf at the movies, many people here said things like "there is nothing unintentional about talking over the phone" or "no new contact equals no new hurt", but those well-intended posters were coming from their experience and didn't also know that I never went NC, and that I have been emotionally well even though I still talk to him occasionally. (aside from break-up grief).) At any rate, I began to go through and "correct" those comments, and it just sort of turns into all of us trying to get our points across and the original message gets lost. And then, many of us get defensive.

I imagine that as codependents, when we feel we are not being heard or validated it can smack of our personal situations with having had relationships with A's. And since many of us are "fix-it" types or have "control" behaviors, I think it would be easy to over-do our commenting....

At any rate, when that happens, with whomever those types of conversations happen with, I think it is important to remember that none of it is personal and to simply appreciate each other. And also like DE said, kindness is the key to get others to keep coming back and feel safe here. Imo, SR should be a safe, safe place for us to vent.

This was a good thread FTS. Thank you for this!

cynical one

While I understand as clearly stated in the posting policies not to give medical advice, I don't see anything addressing advice in the Do's and Dont's.

Many posters title their threads "Need Advice", or within the context of their posts they ask or state: "what should I do?", "what would you do?" or "I don't know what to do".

And, our response should be "we are not qualified to give any advice, you need to ask someone with a degree"?

hopeful4

I would say it depends on what they are asking about. If someone wants my advise and experience about an issue such as how to help their child through the hard time of divorce say.....I have experience with that. I am doing so right now. So I will throw out what is helping my DD. Someone posted a book yesterday that helped them, I ordered it after reading the post.

That is a different ball game than giving advise to someone who is in an abusive relationship. Big time difference and I think we are all intelligent enough to realize that.

shil2587

I think things have changed on SR in the last year or so. Or maybe I just notice different things now. I know I have made the error of giving advice a few times, but perhaps we need to get back to what AA and alanon do. Share our own experience and not tell someone else what to do. Then they can truly take what they like and leave the rest. So when someone asks for advice, share what we did in a similar position and whether it worked or not and what we learned. If we don't have something to share then keep it supportive or express a concern without instructions.

At least, that's what I think used to happen here more and that's what I am going to work on doing better.

FireSprite

But we don't always know someone is IN an abusive relationship, it's not generally the first detail that a newbie shares. And we can't go into every situation assuming someone is being abused & tailor our responses around that assumption or everything will just become watered down. Never mind the multitude of definitions for what abuse is - (physical, emotional, financial) & the thousand shades of grey as to how a person relates to it all.

I never considered myself to be abused in any way by my AH but after learning more about emotional & financial abuse I can say, sure, that label fits to some degree. But *I* do not consider that to be my biggest issue, the abuse was minor in comparison & secondary to his addiction.

I totally see both sides of the coin here & while Free's OP absolutely resonates FOR ME, that may not be true for everyone. I think amending her OP to say it's what SR means "to her" makes sense.

For me, SR is where the rubber meets the road - I don't need to be coddled through this experience because that isn't what is going to bring the necessary change in my life. I come here for support on things that people IRL do NOT have the experience or education about in order to guide me in any way. I don't get many true shared experiences IRL from someone working recovery. (Those in al-anon likely get way more exposure to these kinds of relationships.) My F&F don't "get it".

No one at SR has ever "told" me what to do, but plenty have said "here's what I learned when it happened to me" or "I feel that way too sometimes & this is what I do to get over it", etc. SR's members have lead me to scores of other resources; books/blogs/theories/websites/ you name it that would have taken me years to find on my own.

My honest opinion is that the more a person posts & shares the more the other members can get a real sense of their situation & that gets reflected in their responses. I think Free herself is a great example of this - I remember some of her earliest posts hitting close to home & her getting a bit defensive too. (right, free?) But the more we see her situation develop & learn her personality, the better the shares get as well, IMO. It's a 2-way street.