smurfio

To cut a long story short AH and I have been together 11 years and have 6 kids he always drank and has been violent in the past (few and far between). So last June things started going down hill he spat in my face and had me by the throat! he was planning a trip to vegas we're in the UK so a £2000 ($4000) trip for 4 days! before he went thing went down hill and he promised hed stop drinking he must have been moving out 1-2 times a month and going on benders! I always ended up texting him asking when he planned to see his kids. Well vegas came and went as did his 40th birthday found out he had taken cocaine when he came in with his manhood out and eyes rolling! I put him out again and he came home one night crying that he'd never felt so close to killing himself etc and he'd stop drinking so again I let him come home! coming up to Christmas I knew Id had enough especially when on Christmas day he went to his brothers house to drink! I waited until boxing day and put him out.

About the 6th January he announced he was going to AA I told him we could try to work things out but he should still get the house he was planning to get but he said no he needed to be home.

I caught him out drinking going to the bar after work and driving home and confronted him tried to be supportive told him I knew it was hard etc and to tell me if he had the urge!

So last Thursday he went to buy sticks when he got back I knew he'd bought alcohol but said nothing he came to bed and started that the dog had peed on the bed (he hadnt) then our 1 year old daughter woke up at 6am (about an hour after he came to bed) she was crying and he shouted at her (so I took her down stairs) when he got up my 9 year old over heard me telling him he had shouted at the 1 year old and said that wasnt nice so AH started screaming at him!!

bearing in mind this was 3.30 in the afternoon and he was just up and supposed to be going to work he text his work telling them he was sick and went back to bed!

I went and asked him what was happening and he lied asked him if hed been drinking he lied told him I knew about the wine and he turned it on me that I'd been searching for a bottle! when in fact I'd found the reciept, he then accused me of searching his pockets! it was actually on the car floor! he then asked the date of the reciept! plotting more lies!!

This all comes after I found out that after I'd gone to bed hed being going out drunk and driving to get more alcohol! if hed been secretly drinking during the night he had also driven the kids to school drunk!!

Now hes been gone almost a week at first he messaged apologising for letting me down that he couldnt promise he wouldnt drink any more but he still wanted to be friends I messaged back telling him I didnt know him anymore and didnt love him.

I spoke to my brother in law who unintentionally made me feel bad for not being more understanding and I messaged him asking if he wanted to stop. I then phoned him and he told me he was in town I asked him where (assuming he was in the bar) and he told me to f off it was none of my business.

I text him saying I was stupid to let BIL convince me he wanted to change. He text back to say I was an fing prat that he was with BIL He wanted to stop drinking but it wasnt going to happen with me so to F off and leave him alone

I havent heard from him since then and I have to say its well that the thing I dont know how I feel! I'm angry he hasnt seen his kids! I'm resentful that this is all his fault yet hes off doing what he likes, spending money while I'm at home doing it all myself (not that theres much change there). I'm hurt that he hasnt tried to contact me! and relieved at the same time!

What I need help with most is this overwhelming urge to know what hes doing! I dont know why I need to know if hes in the bar of hes actually going to work! none of them are my business I suppose it annoys me that no doubt hes booked a weeks holiday and is off on a bender and there will be no consequences to him for doing it!!

sorry I'll stop now YIKES

LexieCat

Hi, smurfio, and welcome.

Everybody here understands how you feel--we've all been there in one way or another. Have you been to Al-Anon? It sounds as if you have some idea of the importance of focusing on yourself and your kids rather than worrying about where he is or what he's doing, but are having some difficulty actually DOING it. We all get that, too. Al-Anon can help you, and we can help you here, too. As of right now, it doesn't look like he has any interest in getting sober and staying that way. And the violence is a totally separate issue--very scary, and something that requires attention on its own.

You and the kids are much, much better off without him around. The less contact you have with him, the better. Can you call your local women's shelter and find out whether you can get a protective order to keep him away from your home for the time being, so you and your kids can feel (and be) safe?

zoso77

smurflo...

I see you're relatively new to us, so Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us from the other side of the pond.

Other members will by to be greet you and give you feedback, but one thing I'd like to point out is physical abuse is completely, 100% unacceptable under any circumstances. It doesn't matter if it's a function of the alcohol or part of your AH's character, it's simply unacceptable.

I found this interesting:

More understanding of what, exactly? What is there to understand? You clearly spell out what has been going on. Your husband is an alcoholic who has graduated to physical violence on top of the verbal abuse he dishes out.

When you see or think of your brother-in-law, remember two things: he's vacuous, and he's an enabler, and therefore he's not worth your time.

Members wiser than I will chime in during the evening. Pay attention to what they share with you. Use what you've learned to make the best decisions for both you and your children.

And again, Welcome to the Board.

NWGRITS

The kids are better off without him.

smurfio

Thank you guys. My BIL is a recovering alcoholic who hasnt drank in 10 years my AH had him convinced he actually wanted help, so he felt that it was his responsibilty to help. My brother in law is also my best friend and has said I am better off without him but because hes his brother hes worried about him so it was my fault I ended up feeling I should be thereto support AH.

Its good to get it out even if its just a shortened version as sometimes writing down even a few of the things he has done for some reason make me see a bit of sense.

Its all to easy to start focusing on the worry and obsessing over what he might be upto and forgetting the hell he has put me through!

I actually cant believe some of the things I have put up with and the lies he has told about me, when we broke up after Christmas I deleted all his friends and family off facebook cause he told me people were telling him I was posting stuff (when I wasnt) he sent his sister a message saying not to worry about me deleting her cause I was just looking to play the victim so had to get the people close to him off facebook, he also told her I was being reasonable and letting him see the kids but he didn't expect that to last and I was only doing it cause I wanted rid of them!! He also told her he hoped she understood there were 2 sides to every story the laugh is I don't even speak to that sister!! He also didnt seem to keen to share his side of the story!!

When I look back at the horrible things he has called me the names claiming I was an emotional bully and the only reason I wanted him to stop drinking was so that he would be home all day and have no life!!

He accused me of having traits that go so strongly against the person that I am, and worst of all being with him turned me into someone I didnt like!! stressed, angry, suspicious, vindictive, (pouring his wine down the sink). Nothing I ever did was good enough for him!!

I know I am better off away the problem is that he was also the kindest, loving person too and the most trustworthy (well thats what I thought)

I miss that side of him the loving, generous man who kissed and cuddled me.

Then I think to the time he wanted sex and I didnt and he went ahead any way and I said nothing for fear of putting him in a mood! I know thats rape I said no I didnt want to and he didnt care the laugh is if I seemed upset or annoyed after he would get annoyed with me so I would have to pretend it wasnt a big deal!!

I know if my best friend came and told me all this I would tell her to run a mile!!

ladyscribbler

What I need help with most is this overwhelming urge to know what hes doing! I dont know why I need to know if hes in the bar of hes actually going to work! none of them are my business I suppose it annoys me that no doubt hes booked a weeks holiday and is off on a bender and there will be no consequences to him for doing it!!

There will be consequences. You might not immediately see them or hear about them, but they are there.
Please protect yourself and your children. None of you deserve to be exposed to his drunken abuse. It will continue and escalate as long as he is around. One of my biggest regrets is not protecting my sons from my alcoholic ex's horrible drunken behavior. He clearly has no intention of changing. The change is going to have to come from you. Daunting, but you have the power to make better choices for yourself and your children.
What are some steps you can take to do that? What are you willing to do? Have you tried to contact your local social services to get some help with this?
Hugs smurfio. Thanks for posting. It's a great first step.

LexieCat

Aw, man, I'm so SORRY for what you've gone through. Have you considered looking into some counseling to deal with some of the trauma you've been through?

amy55

Hi smurfio, I also wanted to welcome you. I noticed your joined this board almost 3 years ago. I did that once. I wanted to start talking then and seeking out help, then I kind of crawled back into my shell again. I'm glad that you are getting things out now. This is a terrific support forum. We're family here.

I can really identify with a lot of the things that you posted here. Especially doing anything that he wanted, because you were more afraid of the war that would break out if you didn't. I hated that walking on eggshell feeling. Seemed like nothing I ever did was right, everything was wrong.

Can I let you in on a secret? Those eggshells that we were/are walking on, they aren't real. See, the war started in his head long before he even got home. He just needed someone to blame, so he didn't look silly fighting with himself. So he saw you, and you became the reason for all of his problems. You became his scapegoat.

You found a place that you can really talk about these things, because we do understand.

So Welcome, and ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy

smurfio

Lexicat yes I have been wanting counselling but being able to get to it is the issue :-(. Amy55 thank you so much I know you are right about the war starting before he even saw me but its so nice to hear it from someone else so I know I'm not going insane!

He admitted at the start of the year when I do genuinely believe he was looking for help that he just constantly thought about when he could have his next drink so I suppose part of that also included how he could get me off his back about it by starting a row with me! And I suppose thats why its only a matter of time before he thinks why the hell should I wait for my next drink when I can have it now.

I see it in him that everything is always other peoples faults even with work he has the attitude of whats the problem (he doesnt see it might be an issue phoning his work 20 minutes before hes due in to as to take a holiday day!!)

I know the only reason hes still in the job is because 1 hes good at it and 2 his boss is very very soft! I reckon even if he turned up drunk his boss wouldnt cause an issue with it and he has done in the past!

The problem I am finding with the Al-anon books are its all about staying how it isnt their fault they aren't bad people just sick. Then I think should was it my fault he hid the wine (I know its not as I spoke to him about it a few days before explaining if he felt the urge to tell me) he could have went to a meeting it was on at the time he went to get the wine and I suggested he went! he even stopped at his brothers house on the way back who is a 10 year member of AA and who was the one who started taking him to meetings!

I know he had every opportunity not to buy or not to drink the alcohol the support was in place but he didn't even try!

He hasn't seen his children in almost a week and hasn't even contacted me to make sure they are ok!

I know I have to face the fact that alcohol is the most important thing in his life it will never stop and I should be thankful hes gone and hasnt contacted me but I'm hurt and angry that he caused all of this but yet hes the one who walks away and suits himself, that he cares so little about me that he hasnt tried to come home (and I in my sane head dont want him too.)

I feel like I am two people and he is two people he is my loving husband a great dad who goes out for walks with us and have intelligent conversations and makes me and the kids laugh. but also an alcoholic, who says cruel things, doesnt care about us can bugger off for days without a second thought, and accuses me of being a person that I hate.

As for me I am kind, loving and supportive, I am strong and independant and I know that this is mainly his fault! yes my behaviour has been erratic at times but only because I was reacting to his drinking (through al anon I understand I am the only one who can control this.

At the same time i want my family back lol I find it so easy to forget all the bad stuff but I know it was never going to get better its my sane head verses my idiot head

Jane11

Smurfio, welcome to SR and I am so sorry for your situation.

There are many more 'experienced' people here who can give much more advice than me but I just wanted to say welcome and everyone here understands what you are going through as in some ways our stories are all the same.

I can understand the huge urge to always know what they are doing- I have been no contact with my axbf for just over a week and he overtakes my thoughts every single day. He also just used to go off on benders for days at a time, not a second thought for me or anyone else and was verbally abusive- yet he would come back and always say that he was so sorry and remorseful and wanted to stop and I would feel so bad for him and run back to him- it never changed, the cycle just kept repeating itself.

He was verbally abusive, at points physically abusive- he made me into a person that I didn't like, made me question who I was, like how you feel. He would accuse me of being crazy- and yes at times I was crazy because I was so overwhelmed with the situation- but what was more crazy was the way I was treated and I continued to try and forgive and forget. What was more crazy was that he never fully took responsibility for anything. Sorry was said, but without the action of being sorry it is meaningless.

Amy is so right- the war started in his head, and this is something I am trying to get to grips with- no matter what I said or did, whether I stood my ground and argued back, whether I was quiet and tried to keep the peace- he had such a war going on in his own mind that whatever I did would never be right- not whilst he was an active alcoholic or a dry drunk.

It is so very very hard, especially with children involved, and I feel your pain but what I have learnt here is that I can't fix him, love won't fix him, staying in a situation that is hurting myself (and often others around me) won't fix him- only HE can get his s#*t together, when he decides and for himself- tough pill to swallow for us, and hard to detach and get to a place where we are not consumed by them, their issues and thoughts of them. But ultimately there are two choices- go down with the sinking ship, or jump into the lifeboat with your kids and for now let him take responsibility for his actions- away from you, and let him deal with the consequences of those.

Easier said than done I know. Sending you strength and clarity x

smurfio

Thank you so much Jane, yes I had that too him standing telling me I was crazy! I ended up flipping out one day and saying yes too right I'm crazy! cause it felt like I was taking a bit of the power back. He also used to critise housekeeping and I basically told him that he could like it tidy it or bugger off. So I have been moving in the right direction for a long time now. But I also know I have been here before strong in my resolve that he wouldnt be back only for him to talk me round and for me to take him back. Then the whole cycle starts again except the cycles have been getting shorter and shorter!

Last time he came back he even had the savvy to tell me it had all been his fault that he understood my behaviour was an effect of his! He even started AA with all the promises of change because he wanted to!

I knew things weren't going to work very quickly as he started blaming his shakes on his anti-depressants which he is taking a small dose very sporadically!

LexieCat

I think you are sort of misunderstanding the books--Al-Anon is talking about ALCOHOLIC behaviors, not abusive behaviors. Not all alcoholics are abusive--not by a long shot--and many abusers don't drink at all. And saying that things like hiding their drinking by hiding bottles and lying are "sick" rather than "bad" doesn't mean that it's YOUR fault. Those behaviors are typical of alcoholism--which requires secrecy and denial to continue. Fundamentally good people with alcoholism will still engage in those kinds of behaviors.

You might want to contact your local women's shelter or rape crisis center. They can connect you with counseling to help you recover from the effects of the violence you've experienced, and help you with safety planning and other strategies to help you and your kids stay safe. Al-Anon can help, too, but it really isn't set up to deal specifically with abuse, and some of the conventional wisdom for dealing with an alcoholic loved one can actually be dangerous when the alcoholic is an abuser.

Hugs,

amy55

smurfio,

Your marriage sounds so much like mine. I had a "runner". Call it a binge, call it trying to escape from reality, you can also call it as them trying to punish you, in a controlling type of way.

In the beginning of each of his "binge running" I would call him and text him, want to know where he was, when he was coming home, etc....... Then I would get to the point that I no longer cared. I would stop phoning. Stop asking. Guess who would show up the next day ????

The love you/hate you, want to be with you, you are the best thing that happened to them, they will do whatever to keep you/ to the .... you are the cause of all my problems, you are the reason I am like this, I may change some day, but not for you, you b!tch, you're just trying to control me, I can do what I want, and you can't tell me I can't. I'm leaving. God, this stuff makes your head spin, doesn't it?

You don't know if you are coming or going, or who will walk in that door tonight. You begin to feel like you are batsh!t crazy. The hate is to the extreme, and the love is to the extreme (oh, well, at least in the past it was). We begin to get the same way. We want them there, but we want them gone. So wth is wrong with us. We must be crazy also.

We were told that we couldn't do anything right. Glad that you are seeing that. I was also criticized for cleaning too much, ironing too much, cooking too much, and if I didn't then I was a lazy, sloppy b!tch. One time I spent the whole day, cleaned the house from top to bottom, washed the kitchen floor, cooked dinner. He came home drunk, about an hour late from work. I didn't say a word, I just glanced at the clock, he caught that. He went on a night long rage about how the kitchen floor was clean enough to eat off of and to have sex on, and that I loved the kitchen floor more then I loved him. Where is the sanity in this? I did actually record that night, because I thought if I ever told anyone that, that they might think I was making that up and that I was "nuts".

Ok, so now he had his excuse to be mad at me. I WASHED THE KITCHEN FLOOR. He went to work? the next day, and didn't show up again for a week. Shut his phone off.

I used to spend my days trying to make sense out of this non sense.

I started keeping a journal, because I started to doubt what was real and what wasn't.

He always had a different explanation as to how the night went, to where I was a raging controlling b!tch, and he couldn't listen to me anymore, and I would look at my journal and listen to my tapes, and I really didn't say a word sometimes, but that fight was already in his head, and it didn't matter if I participated or not. It was just my fault, and I should accept that.

Reading what you wrote, reminded me of what I just wrote.

Sex............. I was always in trouble for that one. If I didn't when he wanted to, he would leave immediately and go get drunk, if I did, I would silently cry through it, because I also knew what would happen next. Two days later, he wouldn't come home from work, he would go and get drunk, and it was all my fault, because he said I didn't enjoy it.

I can see that you are getting stronger, you are starting to believe in yourself, and you are starting to question things. I like that. Shows he didn't beat you all the way down, and you have a lot of spunk. I just hope I didn't write too much here to frighten you away.

Here for you
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
amy

PS --- I also hope that you don't mind that I shared a little of my story. I just thought it might help you in feeling not alone.

ajarlson

Your story touches me smurfio, I remember when I cared what he was doing, who he was with, when he would be home. It was a long time ago but I still remember how crazy it made me. You will probably hear a lot of "detach with love" responses - it really works. I was able to do that first when I thought I did still love him, then it gradually grew until I realized I did not love this person who put addiction in front of everyone including his wife and kids. But that was the first step. Hope you can find a meeting or some therapy, do they have some online type Alanon meetings? Alanon was a life saver for me while I was deep in the throes of co-dependency. Either way, there are a lot of people here for you and we're all pulling for you to be happy and healthy, for yourself and your kids.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

Duckygirl1

Welcome Dear One,

I can add nothing to the sage words already given. We've all been there. As Lexiecat has said, abuse is not necessarily a part of A behavior. The lying, Olympic class manipulation, demonizing you to others, making you feel like your the bad one, very much so. I would like to add that while it is true that most addicts aren't bad just sick, some people are just bad. They are a-holes drunk, a-holes abstinent and low and behold A -holes sober. And not to be crass dear, you already have one, do you need another. Yelling at an infant? No,no,no. You must keep him away until his actions mightly over shadow his words.

smurfio

Thank you everyone he still hasnt come round to see his kids but I was on checking my 2 elder boys facebooks today (they are 9 and 11 so I check regularly) He had spoken to my 9 year old and told him sometimes when people are upset the drink which annoyed me but I left it! that was 3 days ago then today I noticed he had messaged him again but when I went on I noticed a post laughter is the best medicine (which annoyed me cause he fricking caused all this) but under it was all this banter between him his brother and a woman that nearly tore our marriage apart before Christmas. He messaged my son that he was in work if he wanted to chat and I flipped and blocked him from both boys facebook. For 2 reasons firstly because I do check it regularly have caught them trying to message people from youtube! and I dont want to see his posts having so much fun replying to people that hes free anytime they fancy heading out for a drink! as well as the boys seeing his posts that hes having so much fun when they haven't seen him in over a week!

my 9 year old refused to message him first so I know hes feeling the pinch and neither of them have actually tried to contact him so I doubt they'll even know he has disappeared.

He text me to say it wasnt my account so I had no right then do what you like. So I replied to tell him that as long as I was the one making sure my kids had everything they needed whilst he was off doing what ever I had every right! FFS he goes days without contacting them and then what cause he's sitting bored in work he's going to upset my 9 year old by contacting him! no mention of coming to see him or taking them out.

I am so angry with him right now and I know in my heart I am being irrational but its so infuriating that he's the one that ruined everything and now I'm left to pick up the pieces whilst he lives the life of a single man with no consideration for his kids and no help for me! I had to hike 6 kids to the doctors surgery today for an appointment for my 7 year old! whilst no doubt he was chilling out before work!

Yet if I stopped him seeing his kids for a week I'd be all the b$%$£hes of the day!!