how much more do i put my kids through living like this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
how much more do i put my kids through living like this
Hi im new to the forum .I have lived with my alcoholic husband for many years much older than me he is old now .i met him shortly before my father died he seemed so nice.We got married and have 3 kids who two who are still minors.I went to see my mother overseas on Christmas Day she is elderly also and not well it had been a year since seeing her. I miss her so much she used to come over but had a stroke not well to travel any more . i was very nervous about going but he assured me kids be ok my older son has just started college locally so i knew he would be there .Well i arrived and the next day my son called Dad had fallen down stairs he said he got him upstairs to bed but he had to care for children next 2 wks my son hasnt done much cooking but he managed to get them food. I flew home was so angry he acted like nothing happened when i got home my husband .Next 2 days hardly spoke on Monday morning my son went in his room we have had separate rooms for years he was on the floor drunk started calling me names he does this a lot when drunk.I called the paramedics they took him he was gone 3 wks he had surgery for dislocated shoulder but had to wait a week as his heart rate not good then 2 wks in rehab for his arm.He has been horrible since coming back it was so nice when he was gone so quiet no worry about him falling as hes fallen so many times had paramedics i slept well as normally i dont sleep as i worry hes going to fall downstairs.It didnt stop drinking hes been out everyday since coming out of hospital l never went to see him in the hospital ive had enough cant deal with him but it makes me sad to see him destroying himself but we have lived like two room mates so long and i cant take it he doesnt have much to do with the children.We used to go on holiday but he spoilt it by getting drunk.I havent worked so im scared of what to do no career but i want more for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi and Welcome!
I am sorry why you had to find us but I am glad you did. This is a great site for support.
As for work, hope you don't mind me asking, do you have at least a high school diploma or a GED, that can get you started? Finding work can be hard but not impossible.
Have you considered attending Alanon or finding a support group?
I suggest you absorb as much wisdom and advice that you can here.
Take Care!
I am sorry why you had to find us but I am glad you did. This is a great site for support.
As for work, hope you don't mind me asking, do you have at least a high school diploma or a GED, that can get you started? Finding work can be hard but not impossible.
Have you considered attending Alanon or finding a support group?
I suggest you absorb as much wisdom and advice that you can here.
Take Care!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi, Tanzanite! I am also sorry for what brings you here, but am very glad you've found us! Your situation sounds similar to a dear older friend of mine (in his 70's) who's wife is the drunk, though. She was doing things like your husband and then a bunch more... like calling 911 about every 3 or 4 days, getting her chariot ride to ER saying she's dying (she was just drunk out of her mind) and trying to get pills (they never gave her any). He finally had enough and divorced her. She had never worked so gets half of ALL his hard-earned money over the years including his pension. What kind of income are you living off of? You are entitled to over half (bc kids are involved) and may not even need to find work if he's worth some $.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
i want more for the kids
That was what finally motivated me (and I think many other members) to finally seek out a better, healthier life.
By the time I left I was so beaten down by the name-calling, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, I didn't fell like I deserved anything better for myself. When he turned on my son was what really motivated me to make changes.
We had done a trial separation for about 2 months, and like you, I had gotten used to the peace and serenity. When we went back to the chaos of active alcoholism it was absolutely intolerable. I couldn't believe all the cr@p I had put up with because I "loved" him and thought I could "help" him somehow.
But nothing I did was ever going to help him. It hadn't before, and it wasn't going to, no matter how much I hoped.
I only had a part time job and no savings, but I was able to get help getting back on my feet from family. I was very lucky, though it meant swallowing my pride, but I understand not everyone has that option. If you can't ask family, can you check with your local social services?
That was what finally motivated me (and I think many other members) to finally seek out a better, healthier life.
By the time I left I was so beaten down by the name-calling, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, I didn't fell like I deserved anything better for myself. When he turned on my son was what really motivated me to make changes.
We had done a trial separation for about 2 months, and like you, I had gotten used to the peace and serenity. When we went back to the chaos of active alcoholism it was absolutely intolerable. I couldn't believe all the cr@p I had put up with because I "loved" him and thought I could "help" him somehow.
But nothing I did was ever going to help him. It hadn't before, and it wasn't going to, no matter how much I hoped.
I only had a part time job and no savings, but I was able to get help getting back on my feet from family. I was very lucky, though it meant swallowing my pride, but I understand not everyone has that option. If you can't ask family, can you check with your local social services?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
how much more can i put my kids through
Thank you every one i do have a High school diploma and a GED i did that when i first arrived in America was registered to go to College but found out i was pregnant loved staying home with my first boy then i got pregnant with twins .I had the hardest pregnancy bedrest 6 months my husband was a nightmare he seemed to get worse then. I had 2 wonderful friends who helped me with my son as i could not trust hubby to take him anywhere not safe he had 2 DUIs he seemed happy i was pregnant when we got news but then he turned.My husband wasnt at birth of twins i had a doctor and nurse deliver them thank goodness had natural birth because he was out of it completly he went in to clinic when they were one he never held them once first year he almost died when they were 11 months .Was good for 2 yrs but he lost his job he was in a high powered job where he got a reputation .I think he struggled with stress when working but it was worse no job he took retirement but boredom has sent him back to drink .We have lived separate lifes for years .I feel sorry for him as he doesnt have much of a life but neither do we.I am so loneley i sit and watch tv on my own .Today i heard him talking to my son so mean he has a doctor appointment tomorrow he was going to drive him but he said he would take the bus.His arm is in a sling after his fall and he went out today came back messed up i heard him say something nasty about me .I just hope he stays in his room and doesnt fall i hate worryng about that its horrid .My husband has a work pension but if he dies it stops he took larger amount that way so i worry but nothing i can do .I would like a job not worked in America before . but not sure what id be good at i feel lost my confidence is gone i used to love be with people i do volunteer work with my son through his college so i feel good about that .Its sad he doesnt have much to do with the children hasnt seen the twins at all for few days sad for kids.Sorry ive gone on a bit dont have any friends to talk to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
want more for kids
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
i want more for the kids
That was what finally motivated me (and I think many other members) to finally seek out a better, healthier life.
By the time I left I was so beaten down by the name-calling, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, I didn't fell like I deserved anything better for myself. When he turned on my son was what really motivated me to make changes.
We had done a trial separation for about 2 months, and like you, I had gotten used to the peace and serenity. When we went back to the chaos of active alcoholism it was absolutely intolerable. I couldn't believe all the cr@p I had put up with because I "loved" him and thought I could "help" him somehow.
But nothing I did was ever going to help him. It hadn't before, and it wasn't going to, no matter how much I hoped.
I only had a part time job and no savings, but I was able to get help getting back on my feet from family. I was very lucky, though it meant swallowing my pride, but I understand not everyone has that option. If you can't ask family, can you check with your local social services?
That was what finally motivated me (and I think many other members) to finally seek out a better, healthier life.
By the time I left I was so beaten down by the name-calling, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, I didn't fell like I deserved anything better for myself. When he turned on my son was what really motivated me to make changes.
We had done a trial separation for about 2 months, and like you, I had gotten used to the peace and serenity. When we went back to the chaos of active alcoholism it was absolutely intolerable. I couldn't believe all the cr@p I had put up with because I "loved" him and thought I could "help" him somehow.
But nothing I did was ever going to help him. It hadn't before, and it wasn't going to, no matter how much I hoped.
I only had a part time job and no savings, but I was able to get help getting back on my feet from family. I was very lucky, though it meant swallowing my pride, but I understand not everyone has that option. If you can't ask family, can you check with your local social services?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If you are in the US, you can call the Domestic Violence hotline and seek help for yourself.
1-800-799-7233
There are many resources available for you to seek help. You aren't stuck, even if it feels that way right now. You don't have to live like this. You and your children deserve better.
1-800-799-7233
There are many resources available for you to seek help. You aren't stuck, even if it feels that way right now. You don't have to live like this. You and your children deserve better.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds like you've been very isolated--I think getting out and around people would be very good for your morale. You might try finding an Al-Anon meeting--I made some wonderful friends there. And working would get you out into the world again, too. You might try checking with your local or county government, or your local women's shelter, about any programs that might be available to help women in transition get back into the workforce. If there is a community college nearby, they might sponsor job fairs or be able to provide you with some assistance finding work. I've worked at temp agencies, too, which is sometimes a nice way to ease back into the working world. You and the employer get a chance to try each other out, and one of those positions could lead to more permanent employment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Tanz, welcome to SR. There are many people here who experienced what you are going through now. You found the right place. I'm glad that you are starting to talk about it, it helps a lot. I isolated myself a lot when I was married. Now you have us.
Personally, in addition to all of the really good info above, I would also try to get a free consult with a divorce attorney. Sometimes, you feel stuck when you actually are not.
For instance, that pension. I don't know what kind of a pension it is, but I get a civil service retirement pension. My ex had signed off of spouse benefits so I would get the higher amount. That changes with divorce. He is entitled to a portion of my pension for the years that we were married. Not to bad for me, since he is also going to receive a civil service retirement pension, and I will be entitled to a portion of his pension.
Just check those things out, you may be surprised.
Just keep talking here, your amongst friends.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Personally, in addition to all of the really good info above, I would also try to get a free consult with a divorce attorney. Sometimes, you feel stuck when you actually are not.
For instance, that pension. I don't know what kind of a pension it is, but I get a civil service retirement pension. My ex had signed off of spouse benefits so I would get the higher amount. That changes with divorce. He is entitled to a portion of my pension for the years that we were married. Not to bad for me, since he is also going to receive a civil service retirement pension, and I will be entitled to a portion of his pension.
Just check those things out, you may be surprised.
Just keep talking here, your amongst friends.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Tanzanite (my favorite stone)….
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here there are lots of people here who know how you feel.
Please post often and become active here it will help you. I agree with Amy55 who really knows her stuff that you should consult with an attorney. Things may be different than they appear.
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here there are lots of people here who know how you feel.
Please post often and become active here it will help you. I agree with Amy55 who really knows her stuff that you should consult with an attorney. Things may be different than they appear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
how much do i put kids through
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It sounds like you've been very isolated--I think getting out and around people would be very good for your morale. You might try finding an Al-Anon meeting--I made some wonderful friends there. And working would get you out into the world again, too. You might try checking with your local or county government, or your local women's shelter, about any programs that might be available to help women in transition get back into the workforce. If there is a community college nearby, they might sponsor job fairs or be able to provide you with some assistance finding work. I've worked at temp agencies, too, which is sometimes a nice way to ease back into the working world. You and the employer get a chance to try each other out, and one of those positions could lead to more permanent employment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Hi Tanzanite (my favorite stone)….
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here there are lots of people here who know how you feel.
Please post often and become active here it will help you. I agree with Amy55 who really knows her stuff that you should consult with an attorney. Things may be different than they appear.
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here there are lots of people here who know how you feel.
Please post often and become active here it will help you. I agree with Amy55 who really knows her stuff that you should consult with an attorney. Things may be different than they appear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Tanz, Just remember you found a family here. We care about you very much, and we will be with you. I was in a marriage similar to yours and I didn't know where to go or who to talk to. Just remember everything is on your timeline. We are okay with all of that. Just remember we have many suggestions based on our own experiences, you do have your own experience. If at times you may feel that we are pushing too fast, let us know. We really do care about you and your children. We do want the best for you.
I can see that you are a very strong, beautiful woman. I remember a lot of times I didn't feel like that, but I am also. I do admired the strength that it took you to finally post, and to reach out for help. That took a lot of courage.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I can see that you are a very strong, beautiful woman. I remember a lot of times I didn't feel like that, but I am also. I do admired the strength that it took you to finally post, and to reach out for help. That took a lot of courage.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Welcome Tanz! Please do keep us up to speed. You surely never realize how much starngers care til you find a site like this. I Never cease to be amazed at the similarities in stories in such a diverse group of people. Stay strong dear one! ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Welcome to the forum.
I don't know about in the US but in the UK it is becoming more accepted that Domestic Abuse is not necessarily physical violence, the emotional abuse can be just as damaging. They are trying to encourage the use of the phrase Domestic Abuse instead of Domestic Violence so people 'get' that emotional abuse is also a big deal.
I've just looked at the webpage for the US service and think this page may be useful for you The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
You have not put your children in any position. Your husband is the one who has chosen to drink and act like this.
You have opened up to us and to your son's teacher. You have done the most difficult part. Be proud of yourself
I don't know about in the US but in the UK it is becoming more accepted that Domestic Abuse is not necessarily physical violence, the emotional abuse can be just as damaging. They are trying to encourage the use of the phrase Domestic Abuse instead of Domestic Violence so people 'get' that emotional abuse is also a big deal.
I've just looked at the webpage for the US service and think this page may be useful for you The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
You have not put your children in any position. Your husband is the one who has chosen to drink and act like this.
You have opened up to us and to your son's teacher. You have done the most difficult part. Be proud of yourself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Duckygirl1
Welcome Tanz! Please do keep us up to speed. You surely never realize how much starngers care til you find a site like this. I Never cease to be amazed at the similarities in stories in such a diverse group of people. Stay strong dear one! ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Big hugs to you and your son. Sounds like both of you are having a hard time right now. You are doing a great job of keeping your priorities in order. Contacting a lawyer is a very smart move. It will give you a realistic idea of what your rights are in this situation.
Would it be possible to get your son into some type of therapy? Maybe even speaking to his guidance counselor at the school could put you in touch with some resources. When my son lost his father and was struggling at school, the guidance counselor was a very helpful resource. She was able to talk to his teachers and let them know what was going on, and it was all confidential so there was no embarrassment of him being singled out (a teenager's worst nightmare, I know).
Glad you found us TZ, thanks so much for posting.
Would it be possible to get your son into some type of therapy? Maybe even speaking to his guidance counselor at the school could put you in touch with some resources. When my son lost his father and was struggling at school, the guidance counselor was a very helpful resource. She was able to talk to his teachers and let them know what was going on, and it was all confidential so there was no embarrassment of him being singled out (a teenager's worst nightmare, I know).
Glad you found us TZ, thanks so much for posting.
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