Requesting Feedback for a Friend
 

Greeting All. I was visiting with friends last night and an issue came up that I think you could all help with. My friend, let's call him Adam, has a best friend, we will call Paul. Adam owns a home and Paul is his roommate. Paul is also an active alcoholic who drinks heavily each day. Paul has gotten to the point where his alcohol is causing major issues between them. Paul passes out, burns holes in furniture, falls down, does not contribute financially as he should, and is a constant concern for Adam.

Adam vocalized feelings of resentment and also loneliness. He remarked that he felt ignored and mistreated in his own home. He gave Paul a warning that if things didn't change that Paul would have to leave. Now, what I also witnessed was Paul reminding Adam that when he was on his own, he drank heavier. This causes Adam to have thoughts of guilt and responsibility for Paul's drinking. Yet, Adam also feels growing resentment because nothing is getting better but only getting worse.

Adam also expressed the following: that he had recently recovered from a major medical procedure where he could had lived or died. He came to appreciate his new lease on life and came to see Paul's drinking as an obstacle that he could help Paul overcome. It is almost like Adam sees his own recovery as having meaning in that he can fix Paul. Repeatedly, Adam expressed a belief that he could help Paul control his drinking. Now, they have been friends for years and I have only witnessed the last 18 months, but it is obvious to me that Paul is progressively getting worse with the drinking. Adam is obviously exhausted and heartbroken over the situation, but feels responsibility and believes that he can do something about Paul...

What I am asking is for your feedback so that Adam can view your responses. I am encouraging him to get into Al Anon and on this website and a little feedback might help him see the benefit of coming here. I appreciate your help SR Family!

...and you feel you can do something about Adam?

I encourage Adam to join to the forum and express his story.

He is the owner of the home so I would hope he would have had Paul sign some sort of renters agreement. If he did and a part of the agreement has been violated somehow he may be able to get him evicted.

I know in my state you don't need any agreement if you are asked to stay with someone and you are there more than 48 hours. It is some sort of "squatters law".

Might be time to tighten up the boot straps and start researching how to get him out of the house - IMO.

This statement is a little harsh, but true. Are you code-ing out on another Codie? ;)

I think giving Adam some resources if/when he asks is great, but then I'd drop it. If he pursues it, asks follow up questions..... great. There are phenomenal resources available here at SR, as a starting point. I'd begin with the sticky threads up top.

I'd point out to Adam that HIS epiphany about the value of his life isn't going to be relatable to Paul. Paul will never see what Adam is talking about so long as he is actively drinking.... and is that REALLY how Adam wants to spend every precious day of this life that he has this new appreciation for?

Quack! Quack, quack, quack!

The sun was brighter today, I had to drink more. Traffic was awful, my boss is an idiot, the sun set too early, life isn't fair...... I HAD to drink more. An active alcoholic is never, ever short on reasons to justify their drinking. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!

If Adam tosses Paul out & Paul CHOOSES to drink all the heavier, then he's a grown man making a bad decision. End of story. He has the choice AND the right to drink if he desires, it's not for Adam to manage. No God appointed him to be Paul's personal savior. (But we Codies are good at convincing ourselves that we HAVE to play these roles.)

I think reading the "Let Me Fall" thread might be helpful for Adam as well. (can't remember if it's a sticky)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html

Best of luck, all around!

Doggone and Fire,
You both have a great point! Am I Codying up another Codi? Perhaps a little, perhaps not. I stopped by and was asked for some insight into what I have learned. Did Adam express the same reservations about meetings and SR that I held before I hit my Codi bottom? Absolutely. Do I think I can really help Adam? Maybe. But can I fix their relationship or fix Adam? No. I did not cause their situation, I can not control it (nor do I want to), and I sure can't cure em. However, I did tell Adam that I would do two things, which was outline his situation here for others who have experience to review and would bring him to my next Codi meeting. Beyond these two things, I am not in control nor will I push the issue. I am only on step two myself. But, if someone is saying things to me that are so obviously clear to me, then I will make an effort for them.
Someone made reference at one time to the fact that all personal relationships involve some aspect of dependency. As I redefine what healthy boundaries for myself, I am cautioned to remember that not all dependency is unhealthy. However, I cannot suggest that I have a clearly defined internal understanding of healthy yet. So, I appreciate the heads up from you both. It helps me red flag any further "control" on my part ;) Although, I hope that what I am really doing here is trying to help him get a little feedback for his own perspective...sigh, it so confusing all the way around lol!