freetosmile

No dandy, I don't. I just found out yesterday that I HAVE to bump it up. Doc said I couldn't wait anymore.....

So tomorrow I plan to talk to ALL my instructors...

For all the men here, sorry for this--- maybe skip down to the next couple lines. I'm doing it vaginally, so no incisions. THANK GOD! Doc said most of her patients who are at school or desk jobs are back within a week. She said the only reason she doesn't recommend driving is because of the pain meds....but I'm on percocet now for the pain--so I'm pretty tolerant (which also scares me because I hope it works for post-op pain)

Thumper

My experience is that my completely 100% passive husband turned into a ranting crazy man when the rubber hit the road and I started making some changes. He threw things around, broke things, ripped things up, ranted and raved for HOURS. He did not physically touch me but he never had, or even threaten it in the 16+ years I'd known him. This came after he completed some rehab, made some promises, painted some walls, talked the talk. It didn't work and it turned on a dime.

Here is my concern. When a spouse unexpectedly leaves their alcoholic partner there is often a very predictable cycle. First they dust off the halo. Of course he requested the order be dropped. How else would he be able to lay all this recovery mojo at your feet? He is methodically doing what he's doing as a tactic to get what he wants (back home) and when it doesn't work - will he flip out and go careening off the rails? That is when they rip off the halo and pick up the pitchfork. Your husband's history shows that he is a very real physical threat.

I know you are being alert and safe. I'm just giving into a codie moment and a bit of nagging We are all thinking of you. I know none of this is easy at all.

Hawkeye13

So even if he helps with the kids, I still wouldn't let him in your house for any reason.

You just changed the locks. He's trying to erode your boundary and get back in the door.

My spidey-sense tells me that this will be his next line of "attack"
"But I need to be in the house to help you and to take care of the kids."

Don't bite.
Him not even being honest about having the restraining order dropped is also suspect.
I think there is quite a lot of subtext here that isn't particularly good.
You seem aware of this, which is great.

But don't take short term benefit
(i.e. help with the kids for a few days)
at the cost of long-term peace of mind
(that he is not allowed in your home for any reason right now)

Pudding is burning--he's pushing too much too fast.

Sorry you are hurting free--bad timing to be sick, isn't it?

Carlotta

If I remember well, you are a double winner too. Be careful with that stuff and don't hesitate to check also on the other side of the street because between all the stress and the physical pain it could easily put you in the danger zone.
Not being a mean old biddy here, just popping in my RA head

Refiner

Hi, Free... I apologize if you've stated all ready and I missed it... but where is AH staying now?

dandylion

free....at one point, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy...with abdominal incision. I had IM Demerol for about 3days in hospital (thank God!!!!) . Went home with no pain meds.
I did fine as far as pain was concerned.
I remember being sooo tired because I lost a lot of blood and they chose not to transfuse me at the last minute (to avoid reactions...and I was in good health).
I slept on the couch all day for a solid week...but, went into a staff meeting about 1wk. after returning home.

Though I would share to give you a frame of reference...from an abdominal incision.

***I am very fair-skinned and DO NOT have a high pain thresh hold.....LOL!

amy55

free,

OK, now I am sufficiently worried. DO NOT LET HIM IN THE HOUSE.

Let's get a Plan A together. Is this inpatient or outpatient? Who can you get to drive you to the hospital and pick you up from the hospital?

In the next 2 weeks before surgery, you buy the food that you will need for the week you will be recuperating. Buy foods that the kids can prepare. They are old enough to help you for that week. Make friends with some of your neighbors. Especially the sheriff, and perhaps his wife?

You do not need him there to help you. Believe me on that. I could also threaten to tell you what happened when I went through cervical cancer, breast cancer and a DVT. The help he would be giving you is not about you, it would all be about him, and how he wants to worm his way back into the house. Beware !!!!!! Can't say that strongly enough.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Gonnachange

I know you have a lot, to say the least, on your plate, but if you're not comfortable having your kids cook dinner for themselves would it be possible to batch cook some meals and then freeze them in serving sizes? This way the kids can take out the basis of a meal before going to school, have it defrost during the day, and then pop it in the oven afterward.

freetosmile

Oh believe me, I told doc about my pill problem. I really did.

But I don't have a choice right now-- I'm in CONSTANT pain, and am constantly bleeding. I was anemic several weeks ago. My uterus is putting tilted and so I'm having problems voiding completely, which has led to this kidney infection. It's just starting to cascade. UGH.

But I hear ya on the pills. Yep, Percocet is good stuff...but so is clarity and between the two-- I'll take clarity ANY DAY of the week.

Doc said she's looking out for me.

freetosmile

AH is staying at a hotel right now. He put money down on an apartment. So that this week, he'll go stay there.


Amy-- All I really need from AH is a ride to and from the hospital. I'm sure I can manage the rest on my own.

No I don't intend to let AH back in the house. He would take the kids to HIS apartment. Simple as that.

I am assuming the worst of AH, really I am. He should have ASKED me about the no contact thing--but in all honesty- as long as he's not trying to come home, I don't mind him calling.
I would rather have the phone calls and to be able to understand his frame of mind than sit around and wonder and wonder-because my codie brain is like that and I'm not that far into this recovery thing. As long as I'm not REACTING to his phone calls and I'm not allowing myself to be manipulated, then I'm ok with it.

I made the agreement with him that we (kids and I) would need a good six months to a year of sobriety and no abuse until I would discuss the marriage. I'm STICKING WITH THAT. There will be no staying over or worming back in.

So far, I've been doing pretty good at standing my ground. I'm REAL early in the game on this one but I need to start trusting MYSELF and trusting my instincts. In my DV support, they tell me to ALWAYS trust my instincts.
My instincts tell me that I need to keep my safegaurds IN PLACE and that there is still a WHOLE lot of work I need to do on MYSELF before I'm ready to deal with AH.

LexieCat

Absolutely--under no circumstances let him stay with you to take care of the kids. I agree--the kids (some of them) are more than capable of preparing simple meals with your supervision. I'll bet they will actually step up to help you when you aren't feeling well.

I wouldn't let the kids go with him either, if you have any way of preventing it. Certainly he has no claim of right to care for YOUR kids.

And as far as your not hearing about the decision to dismiss the no contact provision until after the fact, it appears to me that you have had numerous rights--including your rights under the State Constitution--violated: http://law.lclark.edu/live/files/4961-nebraska. I would make a LOT of noise with the prosecutor's office if I were in your shoes. It appears to me that the problem isn't with the "system"--it's with how that system is being administered by the people responsible for doing that. If nobody hollers about it, nothing changes. I realize it isn't the job of any individual victim to insist that justice be done, but it's YOUR rights that are being trampled on. Whether you were notified or not, the prosecutor HAD to have been. Judges aren't allowed, except in very specific circumstances, to make decisions without hearing from both sides. The prosecutor is dropping the ball. I'd let them know that you are VERY unhappy about not being consulted about any of this--and mention your rights as a victim under your state laws.

LexieCat

And one other thing--I would let the prosecutor know that you want to be informed about EVERY decision being made in your case from here on out. You can say that you recognize that the prosecutor may make some decisions you don't agree with, and that you accept that, but you want to be CONSULTED before any decisions are made.

Refiner

I agree with Lexi. If no noise is made on the incompetence, even though HE may be "ok" for now without causing too much harm to the victim, you could very well save the life of the victim of the next guy manipulating to get out of a protection order.

dandylion

free....this might seem like a small point....but, I would bet that one of the nursing students would be happy to give you a ride to and from the hospital. Or, maybe, a cab?
Cab drivers are happy to assist you to walk to the door..or maybe, the older kids...?

I'm just saying...he isn't that essential...(it could be another way to get his toe under the tent.)

dandylion

jjj111

I'm planning a surgery next month and am single and don't have anyone to take me. I looked into it and found a few services that provide care to elderly people and also offer transportation to and from surgery. The cost is pretty minimal--I think $50? Might be worth it to have the peace of mind of getting a ride from someone who has no history of assaulting you and no chance of showing up drunk. In general, this surgery seems like a great opportunity to start thinking about how you will be coping with life during the six months to a year you will be waiting to see whether he seems to be turning things around. Other situations where you need help will certainly come up, maybe best to start now not falling back on him as your backup plan?

jjj111

There is a company called comfort keepers that provides the kind of care I'm talking about. I'm not sure if they do surgery transportation, but might be a good place to start.

freetosmile

Thank you for all the responses. I will take them all into consideration and prayer. Honest to god, I don't have it in me to fight ALL of these battles. Grandma and grandpa ae dealing with their own set of health concerns, I understand that my rights have been violated, but I just don't have the physical strength to take on that battle. This kidney infection is BAD, my menses is even worse, school is starting to slip. I feel if I'm not careful, I'll wind up in the hospital and won't be able to even have my surgery.

Battle with AH is getting put on the back burner. I can probably take a cab home from the hospital. Yeah I can get the kids hooked up with premade meals. The help that would be great is the "he bi me, she called me dumb, so and so went over their time on the playstation, etc". Since all this , I have had some very interesting and testy behavior from the kids. I just wanted to have some quiet.
I would not let him in the house. I guess all this is pretty damn overwhelming and there is only so much I can do before I physically tank. And I NEED this surgery. I just am really pushing the envelope as far as my physical health is concerned. But no, I don't need HIM.

freetosmile

I'm not counting on HIM and I never really have, but a little relief from all the pressure would be nice. I will hunt around as much as I can. I don't want HIM as my back up plan, but I also wasn't supposed to have this surgery until the end of march...so I'm running out of time.

LexieCat

None of us wants to add to your burdens, free. You don't have to "do battle" with the prosecutor. You could simply compose a letter and mail it to the prosecutor's office, with the "caption" of the case ("State v. Idiot Jerkwad") at the top. You say you are the victim in a domestic violence case, that a no-contact provision that you desperately needed was dismissed without any notice to you, that you believe the failure of the prosecutor to consult with you before such action was taken is in violation of your victim's rights under the constitution and laws of your state, that you expect to be consulted before any further decisions are made on the case, and to be notified of any future proceedings. And ask that someone call you upon receipt of the letter. That's it. You don't have to threaten to sue anybody or even raise your voice. A letter. Two paragraphs. I've read your posts, you can write. The worst that happens is they ignore it, in which case you can decide whether to do anything else at some future date when things settle down. At best, though, you will not be kept out of the loop of decisions that affect your life.

I think letting him help with the kids while you're recovering from surgery isn't the best idea, but you have to do what you think is best. I think we're just trying to brainstorm some ideas that might reduce the risk. If they don't work for you, they don't work for you.

Hugs, you can see how important you are to all of us here. You've made some very loyal friends.

jjj111

Just a heads up: the hospital might not allow you to leave in a taxi, so best to check with them before counting on that. I have been in this situation a couple times now because I'm single and live far from family, and both times I found that a taxi was not acceptable, but that an elder care service was OK. Good luck, Free, we're all rooting for you!