My ACoA and denial
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wife...no wonder you are a bundle of nerves. Living in that kind of abusive environment
is very emotionally damaging to both you and the children.
It is this kind of home environment that ACOA members describe living in as chjildren, themselves.
Only you can take the action necessary to extract yourself from this kind of behavior.
It doesn't seem realistic to expect anything different....except that it will grow worse over time.
dandyylion
is very emotionally damaging to both you and the children.
It is this kind of home environment that ACOA members describe living in as chjildren, themselves.
Only you can take the action necessary to extract yourself from this kind of behavior.
It doesn't seem realistic to expect anything different....except that it will grow worse over time.
dandyylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I think you've found the advice and support you were needing here, Wife. Nothing is going to change with him for the better (since he sees no issues with himself) - it will only escalate and get worse. So for the sake of your poor kids, can you remove them and yourself from his abusive behavior? I, too, and an ACoA and my father use to "withhold love" from me for things such as not competing to my best ability and winning the blue ribbons in my sports! (gymnastics and horse jumping). He would go so far as to LEAVE the horse show grounds and go home on day 2 of a 7 day show when I was competing out of state! I was only ages 12 -- 17! My poor enabling Mom would stay with me, but my Dad was my coach! Anywhoooo... I think you know what needs to happen if you want things to get better for you/your kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by wifeofanACoA 
As for being scared of him, I'm scared of his reactions. Sometimes he's quiet when he hears something he doesn't want to hear and sometimes he just lashes out. He was screaming at the kids that they kept leaving the hallway light on and kept taking things away from them because they wouldn't keep it off. I was scared to approach him but I did and let him know that that was not healthy to be yelling about a light being on. I was scared because I never know what's going to happen.
He doesn't hit me but if his anger flares it's very intimidating and I work hard to speak up for the kids and myself in order to get him to ease off a bit.
He doesn't hit me but if his anger flares it's very intimidating and I work hard to speak up for the kids and myself in order to get him to ease off a bit.
You know, I can't help but think that this behavior mimics what people describe as a dry drunk (for lack of a better term, I know it's not an acceptable label for a lot of people). In that regard, I think boundaries are just as important when dealing with unrecovered Codie as they are with any active addict. (if not more so) Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, period.
The hiding of alcohol is a huge, waving red flag to me... that would concern me a lot. The only time a normal drinker hides alcohol is when they are hiding it FROM active addicts, IMO. Besides that, alcohol to treat a cold? What? What Dr recommended this?
It all sounds like a LOT of quacking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by FireSprite
In that regard, I think boundaries are just as important when dealing with unrecovered Codie as they are with any active addict. (if not more so) Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, period.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 3
Hello wife,
I have been a lurker on this forum, I am an ACoA, both of my parents being A's, and both of them being ACoA's also. What you just described about your husband and being scared of him, and how he treats your kids reminds me of my life when I was a kid. Getting yelled at for little things, being withheld love and affection, and never knowing what I was coming home to. For the sake of your kids, and yourself, going to Alanon would be a really good idea, I wish I had know of Alateen when I was a kid, and if my mom was sober, she could have told me about it.
I have been a lurker on this forum, I am an ACoA, both of my parents being A's, and both of them being ACoA's also. What you just described about your husband and being scared of him, and how he treats your kids reminds me of my life when I was a kid. Getting yelled at for little things, being withheld love and affection, and never knowing what I was coming home to. For the sake of your kids, and yourself, going to Alanon would be a really good idea, I wish I had know of Alateen when I was a kid, and if my mom was sober, she could have told me about it.
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