I am leaving AH after 20 years
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am leaving AH after 20 years
Dear Friends
I haven’t been here for years I think, just wanted to pop in and
1- Apologize for being a raging a$$ much of the time I was here and
2- Urge the folks I still see here calling for “why can’t I leave?” to stop beating themselves up and instead focus on loving themselves.
It’s taken me 17 years to leave my AH. We separated, he had affairs, I suffered from PTSD bla bla bla bla bla. If you go back and look at my history (provided those things are archived on this life saving cite) you’ll see it all.
It’s the same as your story except I sometimes would swing into “I’ll kill you all for saying that to me,” mode here and in my real life, in fact so many times I probably held the record for locked threads LOL.
Thank you to the mods who were patient with me. Thank you to the other folks here who tried to comfort and help. I suffered from PTSD for so long it’s remarkable I have any friends remaining.
AH is pretty much in alcoholic blackout at all times. I can catch him at times in the morning, on his way to work, when he seems a bit lucid, but other than that he is a vacant person. A physical body with his soul vibrating way far away from him. He doesn’t have clear memory of anything. I have no idea how he’s working full time. It’s remarkable really.
His drinking, however, is fully 100% not my problem. I don't worry about it, I dont' comment or think about it with the exception of safety precautions.
I have moments of sadness because I know this change for me and the kids will leave him alone and he could burn the house down or choke on his own vomit and die, but that is part of living with him now. Has nothing whatsoever to do with me.
After asking for years, “why can’t I leave?” I stopped focusing on what I don’t want, and practiced shifting my focus to what I do want and love. What I do want my life to be like. It was a simple, 40 day practice of doing this every single day. And now I’ve broken that bond of fear and sadness and guilt and shame and confusion- not because he’s better but because I am.
There is no arguing between us. I have slept on the couch in the living room, I live there really, for the last three years. He doesn’t try to blame me about anything anymore because I don’t fight back with him. Haven’t in years. Sometimes he goes on his drunken rants, but I just move away and refocus on something better and he leaves me alone. I just shift my focus to the now, to what I want my life to look like. Kept envisioning it.
I always thought I would leave when the pain of staying became worse than the fear of leaving, but that’s just not true, at least for me. There is always more pain and more pain. There is no end to the ways an AH and their hostage can interact. And there is no end to the amount of abuse that I could personally take, as long as I'm an active participant. I’m hard wired for it. Was at least.
I'm leaving him and our home now because I love myself and my kids more than ever, and because I practice focusing on what I DO want and releasing what I don’t. Just release it. I made a decision in 2012 to only allow folks with whom I have mutual respect to be in my personal space, including business associates. I don't work with anyone unless we have a basic level of mutual respect. It's freaking amazing. AH is the last one to go, but I honestly hope he finds a girlfriend right away. He deserves someone who loves him, and that's not me. I will always respect him because he's the father of my kids. And I hope he finds happiness. That's honestly how I feel.
So if you’re asking yourself “why can’t I leave?” you’re asking the wrong question. Try instead asking, what good things can happen if I leave? What’s out there for me? How could I make my life better, happier, more fulfilling? Then envision it.
You can do it. Be patient with yourselves. Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t’ want, and release any thoughts that make you unhappy. You don’t’ have to figure out anything, you don't have to spend days, years in your head worrying about anything. The only job we have right now is to feel happy right now. No matter what.
Cause right now is all we have, right?
Good luck and God Bless all of us. If i can do this, so can you.
Love, Transformyself
I haven’t been here for years I think, just wanted to pop in and
1- Apologize for being a raging a$$ much of the time I was here and
2- Urge the folks I still see here calling for “why can’t I leave?” to stop beating themselves up and instead focus on loving themselves.
It’s taken me 17 years to leave my AH. We separated, he had affairs, I suffered from PTSD bla bla bla bla bla. If you go back and look at my history (provided those things are archived on this life saving cite) you’ll see it all.
It’s the same as your story except I sometimes would swing into “I’ll kill you all for saying that to me,” mode here and in my real life, in fact so many times I probably held the record for locked threads LOL.
Thank you to the mods who were patient with me. Thank you to the other folks here who tried to comfort and help. I suffered from PTSD for so long it’s remarkable I have any friends remaining.
AH is pretty much in alcoholic blackout at all times. I can catch him at times in the morning, on his way to work, when he seems a bit lucid, but other than that he is a vacant person. A physical body with his soul vibrating way far away from him. He doesn’t have clear memory of anything. I have no idea how he’s working full time. It’s remarkable really.
His drinking, however, is fully 100% not my problem. I don't worry about it, I dont' comment or think about it with the exception of safety precautions.
I have moments of sadness because I know this change for me and the kids will leave him alone and he could burn the house down or choke on his own vomit and die, but that is part of living with him now. Has nothing whatsoever to do with me.
After asking for years, “why can’t I leave?” I stopped focusing on what I don’t want, and practiced shifting my focus to what I do want and love. What I do want my life to be like. It was a simple, 40 day practice of doing this every single day. And now I’ve broken that bond of fear and sadness and guilt and shame and confusion- not because he’s better but because I am.
There is no arguing between us. I have slept on the couch in the living room, I live there really, for the last three years. He doesn’t try to blame me about anything anymore because I don’t fight back with him. Haven’t in years. Sometimes he goes on his drunken rants, but I just move away and refocus on something better and he leaves me alone. I just shift my focus to the now, to what I want my life to look like. Kept envisioning it.
I always thought I would leave when the pain of staying became worse than the fear of leaving, but that’s just not true, at least for me. There is always more pain and more pain. There is no end to the ways an AH and their hostage can interact. And there is no end to the amount of abuse that I could personally take, as long as I'm an active participant. I’m hard wired for it. Was at least.
I'm leaving him and our home now because I love myself and my kids more than ever, and because I practice focusing on what I DO want and releasing what I don’t. Just release it. I made a decision in 2012 to only allow folks with whom I have mutual respect to be in my personal space, including business associates. I don't work with anyone unless we have a basic level of mutual respect. It's freaking amazing. AH is the last one to go, but I honestly hope he finds a girlfriend right away. He deserves someone who loves him, and that's not me. I will always respect him because he's the father of my kids. And I hope he finds happiness. That's honestly how I feel.
So if you’re asking yourself “why can’t I leave?” you’re asking the wrong question. Try instead asking, what good things can happen if I leave? What’s out there for me? How could I make my life better, happier, more fulfilling? Then envision it.
You can do it. Be patient with yourselves. Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t’ want, and release any thoughts that make you unhappy. You don’t’ have to figure out anything, you don't have to spend days, years in your head worrying about anything. The only job we have right now is to feel happy right now. No matter what.
Cause right now is all we have, right?
Good luck and God Bless all of us. If i can do this, so can you.
Love, Transformyself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Thank you for posting this Transform! I almost wonder if this post could be a sticky for newbies. It reassures us there is freedom if we start asking ourselves the right questions. Also it points out how poorly some people initially react to the 'harshness' of some responses. I think it might be denial, an unwitting sense of our identity wrapped too tightly with an addict, and having been in the pot since simmer so we aren't aware we are even in boiling waters of crisis.
What good things can happen if I leave? Very powerful Transform!
Peace and serenity to you and yours!
What good things can happen if I leave? Very powerful Transform!
Peace and serenity to you and yours!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hello my old friend ~
So good to hear from you
I truly believe deciding to leave is a personal path ~ you may remember it took me a while to leave too.
I have been gone since November 27, 2008 - it hasn't always been easy but it has so been worth it.
Especially how my life is today.
Just keep focusing on the Next Right Thing for you & those precious kiddos ~ do what is healthy for all of you ~
I truly believe you will realize you left at the right time & it will be worth it for all of you.
sending you big big pink hugs!! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
So good to hear from you
I truly believe deciding to leave is a personal path ~ you may remember it took me a while to leave too.
I have been gone since November 27, 2008 - it hasn't always been easy but it has so been worth it.
Especially how my life is today.
Just keep focusing on the Next Right Thing for you & those precious kiddos ~ do what is healthy for all of you ~
I truly believe you will realize you left at the right time & it will be worth it for all of you.
sending you big big pink hugs!! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Transform. I think of you often. You had many insightful posts when I was new. I'm so grateful you came back to post an update.
Such a powerful post! So much recovery and true healing. Wishing you and your boys many happy days and years.
Such a powerful post! So much recovery and true healing. Wishing you and your boys many happy days and years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Hugs to you, Transform! You HAVE transformed yourself!
Another vote for sticky. This is classic material and journey, beautifully presented from one of our longterm own!
Wishing you serenity, success, and joy, Transform!
CLMI
Another vote for sticky. This is classic material and journey, beautifully presented from one of our longterm own!
Wishing you serenity, success, and joy, Transform!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Transform, I was thinking about you a few weeks ago! So glad to see you here and to read such a healthy post from you!
I am leaving my AH after 20 years too. Movers come tomorrow. All I can say is that I understand. All that blah blah blah in your post: just filled in with different situations but yet similar in so many ways for me. Mine may not be PTSD but there is serious anxiety issues, depression on his part, the drinking, the DUI, the verbal and emotional abuse over the years, etc.
Stay strong, be brave, and keep coming back! We've missed you!
I am leaving my AH after 20 years too. Movers come tomorrow. All I can say is that I understand. All that blah blah blah in your post: just filled in with different situations but yet similar in so many ways for me. Mine may not be PTSD but there is serious anxiety issues, depression on his part, the drinking, the DUI, the verbal and emotional abuse over the years, etc.
Stay strong, be brave, and keep coming back! We've missed you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
So if you’re asking yourself “why can’t I leave?” you’re asking the wrong question. Try instead asking, what good things can happen if I leave? What’s out there for me? How could I make my life better, happier, more fulfilling? Then envision it.
I'm sorry things had to come to this point for you. When a marriage ends in this fashion, it's never a pleasant or easy thing. But perhaps this is something you needed to go through in order for you to arrive at the point you're at now.
It's a hell of a lesson to learn...but a valuable one nonetheless.
Best of luck to you going forward.
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