detaching200

The following is a journal entry I wrote earlier this evening. There's not a lot of background info, because I was writing for me. I've known my R(? Maybe?) ABF for 9 years. We've had problems, broken up,got back together. I wanted to put this somewhere because it's killing me. I can't go to meetings. There aren't any in my area. I'm alone and I have no one to talk to. I am embarrassed that I'm back here.


Red flags are popping up everywhere. Missing money is a definite. He told me he paid $40 on his court fees and $40 on probation fees. I found the receipt that says he only paid $5 on each. So, I know he lied. Now what? Keep waiting for more evidence? Throw him out now? I have to decide what is best for the kids, and for me. I made a commitment to him. Until he stops seeing me as some kind of authority figure (but, let's be Freudian here, older woman+teacher, maybe that's what he wants) he'll never be completely honest with me. I think it's pills. I saw the message to that girl that said he was looking for pills, and he gave me a half-believeable story. But the money keeps disappearing. Now there's proof of at least one lie. How many more?

Second red flag: time he's been spending with his mothers side of the family. Funnily enough the money is always missing when he goes to his uncles. He goes for hours. I have wondered if I smell alcohol, but I'm not sure. I talk myself out of it every time. He could very well be doing pills, staying there till he's mostly sober, then coming home.

So onto what I haven't seen: any evidence of intoxication. His eyes are red sometimes, but his speech is not slurred. He's coherent. I've suspected, but seen no tangible evidence. However, if you scratch a lie you find a thief, or in this case, a secret. I can't keep doing this. He lies. If he doesn't have enough respect for me to tell me the truth, then what do we have? Nothing. We've got a lot of good sex attached to a lot of bad ****. Good sex is wonderful, essential even. It's not the only thing we need, however. I need honesty. I need to trust the man I love and I can't. I don't think there's much that can hurt more than that, to know he has my heart and it isn't safe. I'm afraid of what it will do to the kids if I have to end it. D will never trust anyone, especially not me. I allowed him to re-enter their lives after he hurt all of us once. S will just go into a total tailspin. Me, I'll just beat the **** out of myself forever for being so damn trusting, for believing him over and over and over again. Why? Why did I do it?! Because I love him? So that gives him the right to **** on me over and over and I'm just supposed to take it? No. I'm sick and damn tired of being lied to.

I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone. I can't talk to him because he'll lie. I can't ask his uncle what's going on, because he'll lie. His sister? His mother? Liars liars liars all around me, and here I sit looking like the worlds biggest idiot. Who's going to want to help me? To them I'm the cash cow. To him too, maybe. I want to go through his phone. I have a feeling that would be a very revealing trip, but what's the point? I hate that sick feeling when I find something. He probably got smart and deleted everything anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut no matter how hard I try. He knows that I know. He'll just get better at covering his tracks, I'll start trusting him again, then BOOM! Another shot to my heart, my self esteem, my bloody damn self respect.

However, I have my children to consider. What's best for them? Should I get rid of him now, or wait for more evidence? More time for them to trust him? What do I do? Who can I turn to? I can't tell EXH anything. He'd insist on throwing him out. I don't know if I'm really there yet. I know if he's having a problem, I should support him. I don't want to run at the first sign of trouble, but what do we really have to save? What do I have? A man whom I cannot trust, and absolutely no one to turn to. I don't even want to post on my message board because I'm so damned embarrassed, hell I'm ******* HUMILIATED to be back here. To be feeling this way again. I had so many chances to get free and I didn't. I almost wrote "couldn't" but that wasn't true. I could have. I didn't. I chose this. I put myself here. I put my children here. Now I feel I have no way out. Things are just going to get worse and worse until the pain outweighs the pleasure. I hate myself for coming back again and again.

Detach. I have to.

Butterfly

((((((Hugs)))))) detaching. I am so sorry that your finding yourself in this situation, I can't tell you what to do only you can decide what is best for you and your children.

Ok so you haven't taken the opportunity to leave before now do you know what made you stick with him and not leave? For me I stayed with my stbxah for 18 years because I loved him, believed he would change and seek help and time and time again I trusted him, yip I shouldn't have but hindsight is wonderful isn't it?? The point I'm making is that I have spent many times beating myself up for staying for not leaving for believing him it didn't get me anywhere except more heartache for myself. Ok so I made mistakes, we all do but we can't change the past only learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes again.

I know your feeling very alone at the minute but your not you have us all here and we are here for you and you did the right thing coming back and seeking support.

Take it one day or one moment at a time. What can you do for yourself right now to help you feel calmer and ease your panic? Can you go for a walk, a drive, go for a coffee with a friend??

You are never alone detaching

detaching200

Thank you) I don't really have much in the way of friends and family. My life is a Jerry Springer episode. My best friends are my gay ex-husband and his boyfriend. I can't tell either of them any of this. I can't take the judgement.

I got back with him because I thought he was better. He went through three YEARS of intensive rehab. (An Ohio prison program called OASIS) i don't know if he has relapsed, but I know he's lying to me. I've told him I will support him if he needs it but I csnnot have lies. The thing that bugs me is he went into work late to pay these fees. He was off the next damn day, but he absolutely had to be late for work to pay them. If I'm guessing and judging based on his behavior prior to rehab, he owed someone money and had to pay them. I sit and I thinknand I think and it drives me insane because I'll never really know. He'll never tell me the truth.

Blah blah blah.

Butterfly

Ok so you have no evidence he's relapsed but according to previous behaviour your suspicious? Past behaviour can be an indicator of future behaviour. Ask him outright about the fines, you have the proof that he didn't pay the amount he told you, there may be a simple explanation or he may lie either way you will know if he lies.

Talk to your friends I know you fear they will judge you but maybe they won't maybe they will listen and offer support. Do you have a counsellor or attend any support groups?

I understand the thinking and driving yourself mad I do it all the time but it doesn't help just makes me feel worse as it increases my anxiety trying to figure everything out. Bottom line I can only make decisions that are good for me based on what I know and feel, but it's hard to know when we are caught up in the cycle of their addiction. Our focus is on them not us and we don't know how we feel about anything except how to make sure they're ok, if they're ok so are we. But we are not we are just waiting for the next storm to pass through and pick up the pieces again when it's calmed.

Go for a walk don't think about him think about your feelings, what do you want for your life, talk to your friends.

Dandylion often advises to use the wailing wall, go somewhere quiet with no one around, scream, shout cry until you can't shout anymore say everything you need to say don't think about it just let it all out until the tears no longer flow, the anger is gone and you have nothing left to say. You will be amazed at what comes out and you may even learn something about how you actually feel. It works I have used it so many times.

ladyscribbler

He is stealing from you. He is lying about it. What "explanation" could he offer to magically turn that into acceptable behavior?
I doubt he's taking that money to donate to the Humane Society or putting it away to buy you a spectacular Valentine's Day gift. He is an addict.

Hawkeye13

It is a difficult situation but my feeling is trust your gut.
Your kids shouldn't have to grow up with a lying addict--you are quite right about that.

You may need to pull the plug again and kick him out even if it upsets your kids.
Them watching him get worse and see you stressed out is a long and sustained pain
which is also teaching them what is normal.

Also, can you afford to have him stealing money from you and your kids?
Don't feel bad you have given him a chance. After years of rehab, most people
would give someone they loved an opportunity.

He is the one who has made the bad decision here, not you.

Hugs--your life and home can be peaceful and safe.
It doesn't have to be a Jerry Springer episode.
Remove the elements causing the chaos and you'll be surprised.

LexieCat

Are you SURE there aren't any meetings near you? According to the Al-Anon website there are meetings in a number of towns in your District, including Huntington: http://www.wv.al-anon.alateen.org/me...20locator.html.

Hugs, sorry things feel so confusing right now. I hope you can find a meeting--it might help you get your head clear.

detaching200

Huntington is over an hour away. I think there may be one in Pomeroy oh. It says "closed meeting" on the site. What's that mean?

LexieCat

All it means is that it's closed to anyone EXCEPT those who are dealing with alcoholism in a loved one--IOW, students, journalists, anyone who is simply there to observe are not allowed.

So you are absolutely welcome.

hopeful4

What Seren said. Sober or not, he is a liar. Is that what you want from a relationship??

You deserve more.

atalose

I think when we say, we need more evidence it really means we are not ready to take the final step in ending the relationship. We bargain and buy ourselves time by making excuses for them and their behaviors.

We place ourselves out on an island all alone with nothing but reasons why we can’t get off of it.

Can’t tell the exh, don’t want to be judged, unsure of what the kids will say or think, can’t get to a meeting, can’t reach out for help because I’m embarrassed that I am once again in the exact same place I swore I’d never be………………………….oh so many of us have been on that island………………and oh so many of us have gotten off, so it really can be done………….but only when you are ready.

I’d look into meeting in your area.

fedup3

Someone once told me that you can't love someone you don't trust and it took me a long time to realize that, please find a meeting it will help.

saffire

I gave my huby a third chance. He is in rehab for 7 months. His third time in a rehab. Each time he relapsed the same day he finished and he just did so last week on his week-end visit. He lied when confronted about again after all the therapy we are going to for better communication and trust!!! I am in the same situation, I saw the signs and yet accepted him and his behavior. That was two weeks ago and I am still angry about his inability to tell me the truth. IS it normal to expect a relapse?

Here I am all day at home crying and going over everything I say to him and how I say it because he tells me I am to sensitive and should be over it by now. But I am not, I am not cause each time he says sorry he starts up again. My kids are freaked out about his relapse and he wants to keep it low key and blames me for making it a big deal. Are these red flags or signs from above that he has not reached his breaking point? HE did not admit it to his rehab community because he claims he has learned his lesson. I could always tell them but then if it does not come from him it is not the same. I am tired of always having to save him or help him. He is worried that I will tell his rehab.
I ask him many questions when he is visiting. I want to understand and get to know him. But he still shuts down. Again, I am blamed for being to inquisitive. That is me, my nature. Everything seems to be pointed at me.
He minimizes his actions all the time. Our son is in therapy due to all this and it came up how hubby hurt him. Hubbys reaction was saying that it was not that hard. I was furious. He is not taking responsibility for anything he did to those around him. He is quick to state how others at his rehab F***** up their wives and families but is not mindful of what he has done.
Apparently, the staff at his rehab mentioned to him that after a few years of quitting there addiction they are able to have a glass of wine here and there. I am furious at this. Is it normal for such talk and is it normal for most of the staff to be ex-addicts. This to me is not reality!!

I am a wife who is really emotionally drained, blames herself for questioning, expecting(maybe my expectations are too high), and is always worried if she was good enough for him. The two best things in my life are our children but I feel I am failing them with my little depression.

Good night

LexieCat

saffire,

I wouldn't believe a single thing your husband tells you about his rehab experience. No, it isn't that unusual for rehabs to be staffed by recovered addicts/alcoholics. They understand addiction and can be very helpful. I seriously doubt anyone is telling him it will be OK to have a glass of wine here and there.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Have you been to Al-Anon meetings? If not, this would be a great time to get started.

saffire

Thank you LexieCat for your response. I have been to Al-Anon once. But I have no time with the kids at night. Between homework, tutoring, and my sons therapy it is difficult for me to get out. That is why I joined SR and I am loving it.

redatlanta

Detaching200 - Welcome back!

I spent some time and read through your threads. This is the same bf that beat an old woman to the point she needed reconstructive surgery? The same boyfriend that stole money from you and was violent with you? The same bf that has abused you, that has frightened your children, that was hidden from your EXH, the same one that has lied more than I could count in your threads?

I am pretty sure this is the same man.

I would put full faith in your red flags - sometimes when we have loss of trust we can misinterpret actions. I don't think your ABF deserves much leeway for the possibility that maybe, just maybe there is an explanation. You know what's going on.

Its never too late….until it is. I have a feeling that if this heads where it appears to be is you are going to have a world of problems aside from an ABF that won't leave (which is a problem you have had with him in the past). It doesn't sound like there is much tolerance of the BF as far as your EXH is concerned. If it were me, my kids would not have been living in a house with this man EVER again I don't care if Billy Graham certified that he was a changed man. NEVER.

What you did in the past - wipe that out. Today is what matters. You and your kids are what matters. I know you feel humiliated and I understand that - we have all been where you are on some level. No judgments here.

You don't have to explain SH!T to anyone about anything. If you choose to leave this relationship you don't have to tell a soul why. "It just didn't work out".

I am glad you came back. Stick around we are here to be a sounding board and support you.

saffire

Hello Everyone,

I have not been on in a while. Had some health issues to contend with and the return of my husband from rehab. HIs "bye-bye" from the rehab was unemotional if I had to compare it to his friends who had left that day. And yes, he relapsed. For six months he was in therapy, I was in therapy, our kids, and we went to couple therapy. I am really angry. I went against my family and stood up for him and believed in him this time around. He lost his about a year ago and that is what caused his recent relapse, apparently. He was depressed. I could understand this but he knew what he was coming out too, reality of his consequences. I do not accept that excuse because he had people around to ask for help...but he choose not too.
I am just angry and embarrassed. I am also worried he is heading in a deep depression. I fight with my inner self each moment telling myself "no it is not your fault." That feeling a guilt is always lingering around even though I worked soooo hard to know it is not.

Good Night Everyone!!!

searching peace

Detach, you already know what you need to do. But you want us to tell you and reconfirm. Most people on this forum won't tell you what to do. But if redatlanta is correct and this is the same man, I will go on a limb and imho scream at you to leave. Please understand that as I scream at you to leave, I'm truly screaming at myself to take my own advice! I completely get about the sex. I cannot imagine better sex than with my stbxah. It is because I trusted him and was able to be free and in a safe environment. But it wasn't safe and I shouldn't have trusted him. And the alcohol have severely messed up his ability to do the job if you understand. Please get out for your kids and you. It is why as much as I have at times wanted to invite my stbxah back, I didn't. I didn't want them to depend on someone that wasn't dependable. I didn't want them to think the abuse was acceptable and ok and normal. And if I had brought him back, that is what they would grow up with as normal. My sex drive can be satisfied other ways without putting my children at risk. I wish you the best! And again, you already know what you have to do. Just do it!

hopeful4

Hugs to you. Definitely not your fault in any way, shape, or form. He's an addict. He relapsed. That is what they do. What I could see in my X is that is was always going to be something. There would always be a trigger, a death, a celebration, depression, anxiety, season changes, whatever. I had to decide if my children and I could live with that or not. For myself, the answer is no. That is something you will have to decide for you.

Tight, very tight, hugs to you.

marie1960

Looking to find happiness in the same place you lost it , is not going to have a positive result.

You have the facts of the situation, you have expressed them clearly in your journal writings.

I felt less alone ,when I was able to take back my power, and do healthy things for myself. You said it best, when you said, you have your kids to consider. Thinking you and your kids are a healthy place to start.

I am so sorry things have come to this point for you, sending you support.