thousandwords53

Vent:

I really hate the honeymoon phase of abuse/alcoholism.

It makes me second guess my decision to get my children and I into our own safe, HAPPY home.

His half a$$ed attempts at being sober and sudden interest in household help really distract me from the years of emotional and verbal abuse, angry outbursts and selfishness. I even thought that if he stopped drinking he would be his old, likeable self again. Oh wait, that's right HE decides when it's time to be nice, involved and loving to his family. He has made no attempt at getting real help, thinking that I will forget over time.

He, he, he...grrrr I'm worried about him upsetting me. I need to focus on me and MY KIDS and stick to my plan. 3 week's until our new home is ready for us.
Gotta keep focused and not give into guilt.

dandylion

thousandwords....Make a list of the worst things that have happened in the relationship and put them on paper...along with how you felt at that time. When you feel yourself getting wobbly...read the list. You may have to do it over and over and over....
Keep your brain in charge (not heart..lol).
Remember that you didn't decide to do this on a whim. There are real solid reasons!!!!

When you feel yourself getting soft....remember, also, that honeymoons don't last..and they aren't "free". You will "pay" for this good time by the bad time that is waiting for you to endure.

dandylioin

CodeJob

21 days they say lays down the neural pathway for a new habit.

You can do it. You know if you give in the cycle repeats. He knows it too. That's why he is doing what he is doing... Behaving enough to keep his Codie.

Keep your eyes on your future.

DoubleDragons

They all do this, don't they?? I call it the alcoholic mindfudge. After completely ruining Christmas with her drunken antics, my mother seemed to be full of chagrin. She was so healthy acting for most of January, I started to question whether I was the "drama queen" she has always accused me of being. She even visited us last week and was completely lucid and even looked healthy. Then, just when she felt like she had me back in her clutches, she called me, wasted in the middle of the afternoon in a rant. Yesterday, she was also completely drunk in the middle of the afternoon. Until they make their minds up that they need recovery for themselves, it is my opinion that it is near hopeless. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

ladyscribbler

Dandylion's suggestion of writing things down is excellent. It took me several months of journaling to see that my life had become a much less funny version of "Groundhog Day." All those days and weeks spent hoping he would be nice again, and then when the honeymoon period came around, walking on eggshells in fear of doing some thing to ruin his good mood, so that the OK times were almost as stressful as the bad times.
I was stuck for a long time too, but once you see it, you can't really unsee it.

thousandwords53

My T would say: "Man, he has you trained well, doesn't he?" Because my knee jerk reaction to this would be; writing down all the bad seems so unhealthy, I should forgive and forget and appreciate any effort on his part for improving.

HA. But I need to remind myself that this isn't a normal relationship. Even if he says so or thinks so.
He is all I've ever known, been with the man for over half my life. He is Jekyll and Hyde and I am a mix of Denial Codie and Smart KnowsBetter.

Everyone I have talked to and given the heads up as to what's going on is 100% supportive of my plan. And another smart point my T told me last week: "Everyone you know can't be wrong. Trust your instincts too " (hmmmm I should probably really listen to her. That's why I pay her the big bucks right? Haha)

thousandwords53

And, I need to remind myself that I am really dealing with a husband with a personality disorder, the alcoholism is second fiddle. He is just too stubborn and "terminally unique " to ever get help, and to accept any help given. Professional help I mean.

dandylion

thousandwords...what is unhealthy is your DENIAL of the bad parts as important as the good parts. A list is only a helpful "tool" to assist yourself. There is nothing unhealthy about that!
It is merely a categorization of the painful experiences YOU have experienced. It is not about him--is about your experience and feelings.. It is not like you are writing a biography about him, for goodness sake...LOL!

dandylion

isitme

Your post just rang true with a thousand bells! I too am right smack in the middle of a honeymoon phase and I'm not sure I like it. It make me feel on edge.

The big difference is.. I already left. I moved out in the middle of October. He gave it "3 months for me to move back in". When that didn't work he finally followed through at month three and set up the counseling I've been asking for, for years. It is helpful, and the process is changing things, but I'm feeling very rushed.

I don't trust it yet. I'm just not back to giving myself hope, but I almost feel stupid for doing so. I have my own place, it's quiet and simple. I think he's trying to rope be back in with visions of shared financing making things easier.

Ugh.. I guess I don't have any great advice, except to say. Stay on your course. See it through, gauge the process as you go through it and see how he handles the adversity. Let him have some time truly alone and see what that does for both of you. Don't give up when you've just begun. Hugs to you!

Refiner

Thousand Words... I just got caught up on your threads and see that you did sign for a home for you and your kids. Have you told him yet? When do you move? Btw... GOOD for you doing what's best for you and your children!

thousandwords53

Dandelion, I know right!? Lol. That's how much work I need to do on myself. I make it all about him!


I have not told him yet. I need to soon. I was just given my move in date yesterday, and am a little over 3 weeks out. Timing is everything right now, with our current rental as a family and his controlling ways with money. I need to time it just right so we can give notice here and I will get child support written up at work etc. This is where I am also dealing with some guilt/deceit.

It will all work out, just need to keep moving forward. I don't think things would be going so smoothly in my plans if it wasn't a good thing.

dandylion

thousand words...never feel guilty for doing the right thing for your own welfare.
There just comes a point where you have just got to do what you have to do.

The big "G" is what keeps so many people stuck way longer than they should be.

dandylion

Refiner

Good for you, Thousand Words! You'll know when the timing's better. So glad you work at a law firm! Don't feel guilty... you have the RIGHT to a calm break and to be treated with respect. You have the right to your feelings. He'll make you feel guilty enough when the time comes... so stand up strong and firm that this is what YOU need right now -- that it really isn't even about him him him right now.

NYCDoglvr

He's trying to get his enabler back .... I wouldn't take it any more personally than that.

thousandwords53

Another mental breakthrough I've had the past few days: struggling with my guilt and how I'm going about the whole plan- it's not normal. Normal couples don't secretly find new apartments and stash money. They would simply have an adult talk and call it quits.

Well I'm not doing this way because ...WE AREN'T A NORMAL COUPLE lol. Duh lightbulb moment. This is where I am learning I am not a "normie"

Hawkeye13

I think you are doing a great job here thousand--sometimes
you just gotta do what it takes to get out and reset.

No shame, no blame in that.
Keep moving forward.