wolflvr

Ok, I explained what happened last night in my earlier message. I am getting ready to leave work. I just talked to my butthead husband and he said he "promises" he isnt going anywhere tonight and we wont have a repeat of last night again..blah blah blah. What I need to know is how do I handle this. To I play Mrs. Nice and not say anything about it? Do I act like nothing happened? Do I try to talk to him about it? Im the kind of person that hates to keep things in because I always want answers yanno? That may not be a good thing and that is why I am asking. If he comes home and has had a drink should I keep quiet, make dinner and leave it alone. Someone please give me something to go on here. I really appreciate you all. I have printed many of the post on here and take them home and re-read them at night when he isnt there to make me feel better. Its hard dealing with this by myself right now. I dont dare tell my family he has slipped again, their answer is always to leave him or waste my life with him. Negative really which is understandable. Anyways, I hope to hear from ya soon!!!

Penny

Lorelai

wolflvr -
You should do what you want to do. It's that simple. Don't worry about what he wants you to do or how he will react if you do it. Just do what you feel like doing - whatever makes you feel good and comfortable. That's it.
Big good luck hugs -
L

wolflvr

Thank Lorelai. I dont know what I will do. I KNOW I dont want to argue or hear him say it was a mistake. Im headed to the gym in a few minutes so I will think while Im there I guess. I appreciate your advice!!! I hope you have a GREAT night and all your prayers are answered.
God Bless

splendra

Probably it will be best to go about your own routine and let there be no words about his drinking.I know it is hard when you want some answers but, probably it will just stir him up if you say something about the drinking. Why make things harder for yourself than they have to be? If you say something will it put him on the defensive? Will he turn it around on you and make it your fault? Na honey let that dog lay still on the floor.....

wolflvr

Thanks Splenda!! Dog is the right word for him right now. ha ha. Actually my dog is more well behaved than he is apparently. Have a good night!!

shutterbug

I agree with splendra. It's hard not to say anything - believe me I know, BUT you can ask yourself this question..."What will it accomplish if I say something about it?"

I have found for myself that many times the answer is this, "It won't accomplish a darn thing except to aggrivate him and make ME even more upset because of his responses to my questions. Whether his responses are outright lies, non-answers or just defensively angry, it almost always made me feel worse about things.

And the first thing we learn is that we are powerless of alcohol and this also means we are powerless over our A's actions when drinking (and when not drinking). He won't stop because you or anyone else wants him to or because you said something to him. (Actually, it may make him try to lie more because of your reactions to him drinking.)

These are just my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.
God Bless

Jenna

redrose0729

I agree if it is going to lead into an argument or you are going to hear the same old stuff that you do not want to hear then why bother it does not accomplish anything. Good luck and best wishes

shutterbug

Wolf, I was just wondering how things went/are going?

shutterbug

((((Wolf))))
Is everything okay?

MindyK

I agree with shutterbug and everyone else. When my A goes out and does something stupid (as usual) and I don't know where he's been, it eats away at me that I DON"T KNOW. But he doesnt' HAVE to tell me, I can't MAKE him tell me. He knows I'll be mad about whatever he did, so whatever comes out of his mouth is a lie anyway. And he knows that I know it's a lie, then I know that he knows that I know it's a lie, and that makes me angrier that he'd lie anyway. It's all a vicious cycle that I could have avoided had I just avoided him. Which is now, consequently, what I do when he pulls his antics.

givingup

There's an insightful book out there titled "Marriage on the Rocks" about living with an alcoholic. I highly recommend it. When I'm challenged with how to handle a certain situation I often look to it for help.

I would echo the above advice. If my A has a drink, then the consequence is not nagging but distance from me. I watch tv in another room, sleep in another room, etc. I am polite if we should meet in the kitchen but at that point he is just another stranger to me.

If I do talk to him about his drinking, its when he's sober but even then I don't expect any change of behavior. I do it for me. Checking my intentions before opening my mouth keeps me clear.

Now the other part of this is that I would like to have a relationship with my husband where I could talk about events, feelings, disappointments, etc. but the reality is that I'm married to a drunk and drunks don't participate in partnerships. He doesn't care about my feelings. He only cares how they affect him. He doesn't care about my concerns, joys or disappointments, only how they reflect on him. Sooo even if I do share these things with my drunk, I am always disappointed in the response.

I am starting to consider my thoughts and feelings as sacred. He doesn't get to look at them. His loss.

I am living strong. I hope you are too.

hopeforme

Wow can I relate to all of these posts....wish I had a better computer so I could type more from home....
Penny - I hope you get these posts and let everyone know how you are doing? Your life of broken promises sounds exactly like mine. I am a smart person yet somehow I fall for those promises and suffer the heart break over and over. Some of the more recent drinking episodes of my partner have been so awful that I think the "promise" of never again might "this time" be real....only to be disappointed again. As in tonight ......when he has gone out again - despite the never again promise...
You are in my thoughts and hope you are taking care of you

Love2Lift

DON'T PARTICIPATE IN PARTNERSHIPS. I can relate to that. The only relationship we have now is through sex - whenever He wants to and how (he is too tired to kiss or have foreplay - a blow up doll could do what I am expected to do). I am feeling really alone most of the time and I realize that I am very vulnerable to anyone who will talk to me/talk with me.

cwohio

givingup - thanks for the tip on the book - think i'll pick me up a copy!

cwohio

shutterbug

wolf -
still wondering how you're doing?