new here, my daughter is the alcoholic
 

hi all, it is good (well ya know not so good) to be here. My story is that about 3 weeks ago my daughter told me she needed to go to rehab. She came to my house that night, stayed for about a week, seemed physically sick. She was doing so much of the calling for help that i let her do a lot of that (she is 21). then she moved back to her apartment with her boyfriend just as suddenly. i had her come over on last Saturday to hang out in a sober place. now she wants to have me over for dinner and share recipes, i don't think she is actually sober. the night she invited me for dinner is the night i found a young adult AA meeting, i found 5 and i think she lied about the one she said she went to. i called her this week and she never returned my call about her plan to find a counselor, but did call me for the beet recipe. From her brother we think her boyfriend is rationing alcohol to keep her from getting too sick. i am kicking myself that i didn't get into high gear the week she was here.

the night she called me to come over i had just returned from a 7 day silent retreat. Amazing experience. after a full day of travel and finally home she called, she moved back that night, we stayed up to 1 am, then i had to catch up at work and those are sometimes 6 am - 6 pm days. i got her good food and tried to be home, and one time her boyfriend was over i thought i smelled alcohol in a 7-11 soda cup.

i guess i am just scared to deal with this, and i am a single mother so this is on me. Her dad is in town but he is not always a nice person. she asked for help talking to him and i know i chickened out on that. it has taken me years to set those boundaries so i am not relaying things between kids and him. But she did ask for rehab and help talking to him.

as i assume it always is, there is a long history, running away to avoid counseling, lying to my face and not seeming to care when caught, finding pot and alcohol stuff and throwing it away but not knowing what to do. Basically i am in a position where i want to help, she asked for help and i don't trust a word that comes out of her mouth.

Looking forward to getting to know people and go through this journey

Welcome to SR, equanamama. I'm glad you found us here; there is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared among us. I hope you can spend some time reading the many stories here. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, also. This thread from the stickies might be a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

There has just been a new section to the forum added, specifically for those whose A is a parent, child, sibling or other blood relative rather than a spouse. It's new, as I say, and does not have many posts yet, but if you'd like to check it out, here's the link: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Regarding your post, I'd like to mention that there's no need for "kicking yourself for not going into high gear." Although it feels that way, it most certainly is NOT "all on you" to handle your daughter's addiction/alcoholism. It is on HER. I understand your desire to be supportive, but she is an adult and must be the one to make the decision to get sober as well as do the work involved. You say she is asking for "help" w/her father and w/rehab. Can you clarify what sort of help she's asking for? And what does her father have to do w/her taking action to get sober?

I know there are many here who've been in your shoes, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of help and understanding. Glad you've decided to start your OWN journey of recovery. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Hi Mama, I'm so glad you found us. I think you're going to really like it here.

Addiction is often referred to as a family disease. We let their problem become our problem. It's insidious that way. I can tell by your post that you already recognize this.

Try getting yourself to an Alanon meeting. The support is fantastic. I read your other post, and know you enjoy meditation. That's great. Alanon will also help you turn your focus away from your daughter and onto yourself.

Your post is riddled with examples where you're beating yourself up over not doing the right thing for her. You're doing the right thing by loving her. You're a good mom. She knows she can come to you when she's ready. In the meantime take care of yourself. You didn't Cause your daughters addiction. You can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. These are often referred to as the Three C's. Maybe repeat them like a mantra.

Again, I'm glad you found us.

Welcome to SR. Several things you mentioned in your post made me think the Beyond Addiction book and the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Method) might help you.

Its based on behavior techniques, focuses on how we can influence our loved ones, help motivate, and encourage them through the stages of change. Lots of focus on ourselves through better coping skills, mindfulness, enhanced communication with our loved one. Its been really helpful to me along with counseling. We are doing a book review on the Secular forum if you want to browse a bit. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...families.html?

Hi, and welcome!

Well, the fact that she mentioned rehab is a good sign. She may wrestle with this a while longer--it isn't unusual for someone who knows s/he has a serious problem to get cold feet when it comes to actually QUITTING drinking.

AA is a great place to get sober and stay that way. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he just celebrated 35 years of sobriety.

It wasn't quite clear to me--do you think her boyfriend is alcoholic, too? It can be tough getting sober when you're living with an active drinker, so rehab might be good if only for that reason. The bottom line, though, is that the desire to recover, and how she goes about it, are up to her.

I second the suggestion of Al-Anon--it was a real lifeline for me when my second alcoholic husband went back to drinking (after almost dying of it).