Butterfly

987g yes I tried to do so much when I got over the initial shock tried to reinvent myself all of my but didn't know who I wanted to be. It didn't work it was too much too soon.

I am more introverted now, I never used to be, I use to be a fun happy person, now I like being on my own but don't know whether that's because of how my life has turned out or if that is truly who I am, so much to still work on but yes your right hard to stay in the moment and live in the now!

What is my life missing?? Things to look forward to, to feel happy about, to be able to deal with the hurt and pain and move forward.

serenityfreedom

Butterfly, 'Normal is just a setting on a washing machine'. You will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin after a while, for me it took a couple of months for the anxiety to slip away. Your Avatar quote is correct, Don't let other people define who you are.
A guy walks into the psychiatrists office and says,'Doc nobody pays any attention to me, it's as if I'm not even there and I feel invisible'. The psychiatrist says 'next'.
one day at a time it get's better. You will learn to laugh again. It's way easier to stay sober than to get sober. **** happens and we learn to deal with life on life's terms. You are right where you need to be. Don't quit before the miracle happens
peace-Jonathan

NYCDoglvr

Twelve Step programs are programs of action. If I sit around feeling sorry for myself nothing changes. I can't THINK my way out of self pity and feeling like a victim. The only thing that works is taking actions ... going to Alanon, calling other people in recovery. I took up fast walking because I felt better. It's called living in the solution instead of the problem. Whatever I focus on magnifies. If I focus on what I've lost and don't have, those things magnify. If I write out a gratitude list I feel less self-pity. And each day I have to decide, am I going to sit and wallow as days turn into weeks, into months, years. Or will I get off my ass and do the work of recovery. It's all a process that takes much longer than any of us want, two steps forward and one back. But today I have peace of mind most days, something I never experienced prior to recovery.

serenityfreedom

It sounds like you have a good foundation in the 12 steps NYCdoglver. Are you only in Alanon? Just wondering.

zoso77

Normal?

After my AXGF left...maybe it took 4 weeks. After 6 weeks, I started to feel pretty good. But in this case, it was really addition by subtraction. Not only did she take her act on the road, all the BS and the drama went out the door with her, too.

It was wonderful.

hopeful4

Butterfly, it is just like the death of someone very close to you. You are grieving and it takes a while. That is ok.

XXX

Butterfly

its the hurt hopeful that someone I believed would love me and never hurt me the way he did and has done. I have tried to tell myself that it wasnt that I beleived him that I knew deep down but honestly I believed him, i believed what he said that no matter what he wouldnt hurt me this way that he loved me more than anything. Any every time he let me down I believed his promises and thought this time it will be different and we will have th e future we talked about, feeling foolish that I was so niave and so desperately wanted him to fulfill his promises.

I know it takes time but read stories here of others who are not out as long as me and they are further on in their recovery and here I am still hanging onto the hurt. I wish I was further along!!

AnvilheadII

butterfly, i'm going to sound like a broken record but i firmly believe that if you would immerse yourself in the steps and really work them....write it all down, step by step, you would gain such amazing clarity.....you would be able to easily discern what is FACT from what is FICTION, what was truth versus what you chose to believe....

we ALL tells ourselves lies, myths, stories....in many cases we were spoon fed on them growing up. in my house the rule was you did not see what you saw, you did not know what you knew and by GOD ALMIGHTY you NEVER talked about it. there were so many elephants in our living room it was like living on a game reserve!!!

you can change your current stuck circular thinking....OR you can keep it for as long as you wish. the choice is completely yours. as yoda said, DO or Do Not, there is no TRY. whenever we hold onto problems, we do so because we get SOME type of payout..........even if it hurts us.

serenityfreedom

Hugs Butterfly, I went through a very painful breakup too. All I can tell you is this too shall pass, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. When I look back on all my past relationships I can see that none of them were good for me, hindsight is 20/20. Time Heals the wounds that no one can see. just don't drink no matter what. Don't quit before the miracle happens. It get's better.

hopeful4

Butterfly, don't try to compare your feelings and progress with anyone else's. That is not productive. All people are at different places mentally. While I know you want it to rush along, it does not always work that way. A day at a time my friend, sometimes a moment at a time.

XXX

Jane11

Butterfly, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I, and I am sure many others can really understand what you are feeling, I think I said earlier in this thread that what you wrote was literally what could have come out of my mouth.

I too think I want to be further along and want the pain, sadness and disappointment to be over. I want him out of my minds and my thoughts constantly but it's no quick process and for someone who is as impatient as me that's hard to swallow. But like hopeful said don't compare yourself to others (I know I know take my own advice here).

Today I've just tried to keep busy and focus on things, it's been so hard and I only hope as the days and weeks go by it will get a little easier some days, and yes some days will also be hard but it's a journey that will take time and you are not alone you have everyone here.

It's a tough pill to swallow that someone let us down, often time and time again but that's no reflection of your character- it's a reflection of theirs. It doesn't make you foolish to love someone, to believe in someone- it makes you a kind compassionate and loving person, and the right person who can offer you all that back is what you deserve x

Butterfly

Anvil, I've looked at the steps many times I have no idea where to start with them. I can't go to alanon as I work with at risk children and their parents. Some of these parents attend alanon and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about my personal situation in front of them then go and work with them. They wouldn't feel comfortable talking about their situation in front of me either and I wouldn't want to disrupt their safe place.

Thanks hopeful I know I can force myself to move on faster than I can and I need to slow down sometimes.

Thanks serenity, no drink and my emotional state don't mix I discovered that a few weeks ago when I was out with friends, I had 4/5 drinks and was an emotional wreck at the end of the night and the next day!!

Jane and yes sometimes when I'm giving advise I think B you should be listening to this lol. it's hard to focus on other things isn't it, I always find it emotionally draining!!

It helps to know I'm not alone and I have such wonderful support. Thank you all

dandylion

Butterfly....if the trauma and abuse of our childhoods are not resolved at that time...ALL of the past hurt can be brought forth by a similar abuse or loss in present day.

Normal grief (which is painful enough) can be intensified and longer lasting in the light of trauma bonding and all the other damage that living in an abusive relationship does to a person.

I wonder if an additional abuse support group might be helpful for you. You say that your friends are "getting tired" of listening and you have no one else to talk to besides us about this.....especially, the deep and sensitive material that might even be partially at a subconscious level...

Maybe you could give this some thought....

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

Toss in 23 years in AA, the foundation of my recovery. When I had the worst relationship of my life at year 12 I headed for Alanon. My sponsor called my pick of a really disturbed recovering alcoholic with no program "trading up addictions".

hopeful4

I have a friend who just got divorced and is attending our grief share group at church. She said it has been a huge help to her. Just a thought?!

Butterfly

I've never heard of a grief share group. Thanks I'm looking into alanon online meetings

serenityfreedom

When one door closes another will open, We just don't know when.
You don't need to know the whole staircase to take the first step- Martin Luther Vandrose er someone
peace-Jonathan

smurfio

Butterfly I feel your pain I think for me its the fact that he caused all of this with his drinking I never wanted it! it was forced on me! but as far as I'm concerned he had a good thing at home with me and the kids I looked after him I always had his best interests at heart and the fact that he can just walk away sort of makes me feel like he holds me accountable!! Its my own insecurities from years of feeling like I wasnt good enough, I suppose the other fear is he does get sober and I'm left feeling like his drinking was somehow my fault and more even that he blames me

FireSprite

You know, I beat my head against the wall of "Normal" for a long time in early recovery. I kept waiting for it to "get back" to normal or I'd express wanting to feel normal "again".

Then some random post here at SR made me re-think it. I was trying so hard to find "Normal" that I was forgetting that normal didn't exist any longer. I couldn't get "back" to something that was fluid & changing. I had to give up my definition of Normal & start over from scratch, redefining it to fit my new life.

Because, when you think about it - what I had been calling "normal" wasn't working anyway, so why exactly was I trying so hard to get back to it? My so-called normal included an active secret-drinking, self-hating addict. It included me exhausting myself in an effort to control the chaos & accepting more & more bad behavior as time went on.

That's where the suggestion to get outside of yourself & get into new habits is so important. I had to go out, try new things, find parts of myself I had forgotten or lost & parts I never let bloom because I was too busy running in circles around my AH.

Now, 3 years into recovery, I'm still working on my New Normal.