Feeling sorry for the EXA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Today's been a huge struggle, feeling sorry for the EXA because I have put all of these boundaries in place as a result he hasn't seen his son in almost a year, we have all of these court proceedings in place and I am in police protection. He was awful to me mean horrible lied cheated abandoned me stole from me blamed me left me with a baby did nothing for our child at all.. Just moved right on to the next woman.. But I'm feeling sorry for him.. I'm so upset.. I feel guilty that he doesn't get to see his son I feel like a bad person however if I didn't put these boundaries in place he would have left my son and I both for dead... I wonder if he actually really cares about not seeing his son... To this day he will defend his drink and deny he has a problem with it.. I just don't know what to do anymore. My heart is broken
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He has made choices, and choices have consequences. He could have made the choice to get sober and be a good father. He didn't. None of this is your fault. A child doesn't need an active alcoholic in their life, period.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm with Grits. What he did is what made it NECESSARY to do what you did to protect yourself and your son.
He probably does have a sad life. It's up to him to change that--he can, but for now he isn't willing to. It's not your fault, and not your problem to fix.
He probably does have a sad life. It's up to him to change that--he can, but for now he isn't willing to. It's not your fault, and not your problem to fix.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I sometimes have a similar struggle thinking about my ex. It helps me to remember 3 things.
1. He made all the choices that have led to this point. He had every opportunity to seek recovery and step up for his family.
2. He is dangerous when he drinks. Our son is afraid of him, even though he loves his daddy. He doesn't feel safe with him.
3. He has continued to make choices in his life which allow and enable his alcoholism. He shuns anyone who might hold him accountable for his actions and seeks out those whose sickness matches his own.
It's hard, I know. You are doing great KI. Even though it doesn't always feel that way. You are protecting your child, never feel guilty about that.
Big hugs to you and your son.
1. He made all the choices that have led to this point. He had every opportunity to seek recovery and step up for his family.
2. He is dangerous when he drinks. Our son is afraid of him, even though he loves his daddy. He doesn't feel safe with him.
3. He has continued to make choices in his life which allow and enable his alcoholism. He shuns anyone who might hold him accountable for his actions and seeks out those whose sickness matches his own.
It's hard, I know. You are doing great KI. Even though it doesn't always feel that way. You are protecting your child, never feel guilty about that.
Big hugs to you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Not sure why you feel guilty for him not seeing his son. It's his choice, not yours. He doesn't feel an
Ounce of guilt.
You dont trust him, read your post.
You are doing what you need to do, to protect your child. He will thank you when he is 20.
Ounce of guilt.
You dont trust him, read your post.
You are doing what you need to do, to protect your child. He will thank you when he is 20.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Over the years I have found my thoughts returning to "I pity the day, he wakes up and realizes what a mess he has made of his life"
I have come to realize that it is my own wishful thinking, somewhere in the back of my head I was holding out hope that he would want to take his life back, and be the wonderful person he was before the addiction got a hold of him.
Currently, the booze remains his band-aid, numbs him to his very core, so in his rose colored world he has no issues, it's the rest of the world is screwing him over, women are all evil witches, people don't understand him and on and on.......
For me, when my mind starts it's bleeding heart dialogue, I force myself to go do something else.
Stay strong and focused, it will get easier in time.
I have come to realize that it is my own wishful thinking, somewhere in the back of my head I was holding out hope that he would want to take his life back, and be the wonderful person he was before the addiction got a hold of him.
Currently, the booze remains his band-aid, numbs him to his very core, so in his rose colored world he has no issues, it's the rest of the world is screwing him over, women are all evil witches, people don't understand him and on and on.......
For me, when my mind starts it's bleeding heart dialogue, I force myself to go do something else.
Stay strong and focused, it will get easier in time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
As an adult child of an alcoholic (acoa) I used to beg my mother to take us out of our abusive home but she was trapped in her own prison of codependency and the only escape I had was when I was old enough to move myself out.
I commend you for protecting your child and please don't second guess yourself ... if he truly wants to become a good father he could be taking appropriate steps to that end on his own initiative.
I commend you for protecting your child and please don't second guess yourself ... if he truly wants to become a good father he could be taking appropriate steps to that end on his own initiative.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hi killer... what I read in your post is that you took some steps to protect and take care of yourself and your child and right now you have all of these legal protections against him getting back into your life or your child's... Is that right? So somehow you feel that because you are the one who sought out these protections that you are responsible for him not seeing his son? Please forgive me if I am wrong... But if I am right, what I see is something I have often done in my mind. And I came up with a mantra that I now use when I get into that mindset....
It is not my reaction that is the problem; it is the original action... his actions... that is the problem.
If he never did those terrible things, you would not have had to make these decisions. We are not meant to be taken advantage of and just sit back and take someone else's abuse. If they want to act like that, they can go do it somewhere else. You are not someone else's punching bag, for any type of abuse. And, of course, it is you job to protect your little one, and that is what you are doing. Good job for that!
It is not my reaction that is the problem; it is the original action... his actions... that is the problem.
If he never did those terrible things, you would not have had to make these decisions. We are not meant to be taken advantage of and just sit back and take someone else's abuse. If they want to act like that, they can go do it somewhere else. You are not someone else's punching bag, for any type of abuse. And, of course, it is you job to protect your little one, and that is what you are doing. Good job for that!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Put this on your fridge, babe:
My ex hasn't seen his kids in two years, and I sometimes get those feelings too -- I haven't been able to put it as succinctly as LadyScribbler did, but that's sort of what I try to tell myself at those times, too.
If he had been a normal, decent human being, things wouldn't be where they are.
1. He made all the choices that have led to this point. He had every opportunity to seek recovery and step up for his family.
2. He is dangerous when he drinks. Our son is afraid of him, even though he loves his daddy. He doesn't feel safe with him.
3. He has continued to make choices in his life which allow and enable his alcoholism. He shuns anyone who might hold him accountable for his actions and seeks out those whose sickness matches his own.
2. He is dangerous when he drinks. Our son is afraid of him, even though he loves his daddy. He doesn't feel safe with him.
3. He has continued to make choices in his life which allow and enable his alcoholism. He shuns anyone who might hold him accountable for his actions and seeks out those whose sickness matches his own.
If he had been a normal, decent human being, things wouldn't be where they are.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's a shame to let someone live rent-free in your head who has moved on to a new life. I started thinking this way because it helped me give up hope that any kind of relationship was possible. Giving myself periodic reality checks, shaking up the denial and rationalization that led to poor me thinking, was the least painful way through. A big hug...I promise this will pass.
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