Why can't I leave?

Old 02-07-2015, 05:47 PM
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Why can't I leave?

Just have to get this out. When will it be enough for me. When will I hit that point where the damage can't be forgiven. My husband is an alcoholic and I'm in love with him. It's so conflicting. He is not a nice drunk and he isn't trust worthy when he drinks. Then sober he is so different. And he doesn't drink every day. He's a functioning alcoholic and so it's not a black and white situation. We have kids, a lovely life and then this awful 6 week pattern of his binge and crazy behavior. It's a cycle of abuse and I'm aware it's a pattern. I just started going to al anon so maybe it will help. I guess I need to except this is how it will be or leave because I deserve better. It's so hard. My poor daughters. I wouldn't want them to go threw this ever.
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Old 02-07-2015, 05:58 PM
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Like it or not, your daughters are learning this. You are their role model for adult womanhood. My dad was an alcoholic and I have a pattern of seeking out unhealthy relationships throughout my entire adult life.
Also understand that "functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, the disease is progressive and everything you dislike now will only get worse. My ex was a binge drinker with a monthly cycle, until his disease progressed.
Alanon has helped me a lot. Keep going to meetings and be sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
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Old 02-07-2015, 06:02 PM
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Welcome, you will find a lot of great support and awesome wisdom here.

I have 5 grown daughters and live with the guilt of having them grow up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household. I can only talk to them and pray that they don't follow my same path. If anything will be your motivation, its them.
Keep attending Al-Anon!
Keep posting here
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Old 02-07-2015, 06:08 PM
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Well, of course you're in love with him. He's your husband.

However, as you've noted, there are children in the mix, and being around an alcoholic isn't good for them.

I'm glad you've started Al Anon so that you can have support in person. As time goes on and you learn more, you will arrive at a point where you can make the best decisions you can, both for yourself and your children.
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Old 02-07-2015, 06:40 PM
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I left when the pain and craziness of staying became worse than the fear and hurt of leaving.
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Old 02-07-2015, 07:13 PM
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This is the best it's going to get if he doesn't choose sobriety. Alcoholism is progressive and it WILL get worse. You are teaching your daughters everything about how to be a woman. That alone should be enough to run for the hills.
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Old 02-07-2015, 07:21 PM
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After many dysfunctional relationships, my last bf was just 9 months before I realized he is an alcoholic and that I needed to leave now before it progressed. I don't want my two daughters growing up never knowing what it is like to have a healthy relationship. Already my 12 yr old expressed to me the other day that "she doesnt know how to relate to boys"....

I want the cycle to stop here, with me. I have to accept that I am the martyr for what my parents put me through, for what I am willing to put my own children through....
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Old 02-07-2015, 07:22 PM
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So he binges every six weeks or so? Is it possible to keep him away from the house when he's intoxicated, to protect the children? Or is he free to come home and impose his madness on you?
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Old 02-07-2015, 08:22 PM
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I'm glad you're going to Al-Anon. That helped me an awful lot. My situation was similar to yours -- my ex WAS drinking every day, but keeping a job and "functioning" on many levels for many years.

That makes it hard. Because I always questioned whether it really WAS as bad as I felt it was?

He would tell me how lucky I was that he didn't go out to bars to get drunk. He would tell me how lucky I was that he made so much money. That he didn't cheat on me. And for many years, I believed him. I believed that I was WRONG in being unhappy. That I didn't deserve more than I had.

I didn't realize that he set the bar really low for his own behavior.

The difficult part when you're married to an alcoholic who is still in the functional stage is that you don't believe your own emotions and eyes and experiences. You question whether you have the RIGHT to leave -- especially the father of your children.

I would like to welcome you here, because this is also a good place to be, just like Al-Anon. And when I was in your situation, I needed the support not just in meetings, I needed to know that there were other people on the Internet who could relate.

The tragic thing is that "functioning alcoholic" isn't a TYPE of alcoholic -- it's a stage. For now, your husband function. If he doesn't seek help, you will see more and more cracks in that functioning facade. Until he no longer does function. And seeking help is not something you can choose for him.

But you can get help for yourself. And you can get help for your children.
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Old 02-07-2015, 11:00 PM
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Thanks you so much for all that have responded. I can't figure out that with all the facts and information, and the love for my girls that I still can't leave. Why?! I'm the madness. He knows he has a problem, he agrees with me, he is my best friend, and still he chooses to drink and doesn't seek help. It's like he wants to say and believe that he will stop but he can't. It's has a hold on him. I pray that god will give me the courage to do the right thing. Maybe classes and this app will be what gives me the strength. Or he humbles himself and gets help.
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Old 02-07-2015, 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
So he binges every six weeks or so? Is it possible to keep him away from the house when he's intoxicated, to protect the children? Or is he free to come home and impose his madness on you?
I've asked him to leave, but at the point I notice he has drank there is no use reasoning with him. I've asked many times and it usually leads to a fight. I try to distance myself so that I don't start wanting to control him.
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Old 02-08-2015, 12:22 AM
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[QUOTE="ladyscribbler;5188209"]Like it or not, your daughters are learning this. You are their role model for adult womanhood. My dad was an alcoholic and I have a pattern of seeking out unhealthy relationships throughout my entire adult life. Also understand that "functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, the disease is progressive and everything you dislike now will only get worse. My ex was a binge drinker with a monthly cycle, until his disease progressed. Alanon has helped me a lot. Keep going to meetings and be sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page. [

Thanks for the link. What an amazing read. Wow, I'm trying to really take that all in. Pretty much, I need to stop the merry go round or else it will never change.
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Old 02-08-2015, 12:41 AM
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Alaska...there is a book that I highly recommend to you. "The Saber-toothed Tiger".
It answers the question of why a person "can't" leave a relationship that they "know" is damaging to them. It goes straight to the essence of the problem, and I believe that it will really resonate with you. You can get it, used, very cheap on amazon.com.

You do have a right to be happy, you know. You don't have to go by other people's standards of what happiness is. If you try to..you will never find your personal satisfaction and happiness.

I think that, sometimes, what holds us back is really the deep fears within ourselves that we are afraid to admit to ourselves. Once we are able to drag those fears out of the darkness and "cobwebs" and kick them, one by one, in the ass, the world starts to look different. I know it did for me....

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Old 02-08-2015, 01:04 AM
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So much great advice above I don't have much to add.

I am in the process of separating from my AH it's taken me a long time to get this far.

We have three beautiful children and I am moving forward for myself and for them.

I too went through many stages of thinking it's not that bad...but believe me now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I realise it WAS a very bad situation.

It is a very bad situation.

It drags you done into the spiral of mess and you feel it is you that is going mad. I felt I was the one being unreasonable and not accepting him the way he was.

I know now the kindest thing I can do for my AH is to get out of his way.

Take baby steps and you will eventually know what is best for you.

My aH is also functioning and still working etc but we don't see the nice kind loving person I married any more.

What I see is a rude abusive drunk nasty person in his place. The verbal abuse has upped several notches in recent months and I have jumped off the merry go round as none of this is acceptable to me.

I will no longer allow myself to be dragged into his mess. My children need to know this is not ok.

With the support from SR. And Al Anon I am moving forward. It sucks every step of the way but day by day and step by step I am getting there.

And I know I am going to be ok.

Take care and keep coming back. It really helps with the wise advice from so many. Phiz
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Old 02-08-2015, 02:42 AM
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Hi Alaska and I am sorry for your situation.

My ex was also a binge drinker and a really nasty one at that. However when he was sober he could be the sweetest person, I say could be because eventually even when he was sober he was nasty, but for some reason I cling to the nice parts.

I left eventually and have only recently fully cut contact and it is literally heartbreaking but I have to remind myself that even as a binge drinker I can't live a life where I am constantly waiting for the next drunken tornado to hit, walking on eggshells around him so as not to upset him and be used as the reason he drank.

Even as a binge drinker I don't think it will get better without real commitment to recovery. My ex told me that at one point he had been sober for over a year, held down a job and lived what would be to all intensive purposes a 'normal' life. But he went back to drinking- and yes part if me blames myself for entering into a relationship with him when he clearly wasn't ready for the stress of it and that pushed him back over the edge but I also realise that HE needed to do more to control the drinking and although he told me he has tried this and that before he never stuck to anything so therefore will he ever remain sober for life? Maybe he will be sober now I'm not with him and he doesn't have the additional 'stress' of the relationship- idk but I do know from what I have learned that they need to commit to a proper recovery to maintain this and change their way of life and their thinking and this in itself is a long and hard road.

I also know that whether it is someone who drinks everyday or a binge drinker it is not a healthy place to be in and a healthy person to be around and try and make a life. The painful truth is that like you say you maybe have to accept it is what it is or leave
- because you do deserve better.

You shouldn't scold yourself for not leaving, if it was that easy to walk away and just get over it we wouldn't all be on this forum. It's harder when there are children involved which luckily wasn't the case for me.

I stayed or went back again and again and again, as I am sure many others did. I convinced myself that the nice bits were worth it and hoped that he would just finally see the light and stop for good. I am heartbroken that I no longer am with him despite all the terrible things he said and did and I am suffering from major anxiety, but hopefully this is short term in comparison to the long term anxiety I would suffer at living with an active alcoholic- daily drinker or binge drinker.

It is so very sad how this disease affects peoples lives, and as only he can decide when enough is enough with the alcohol, only you can decide when enough is enough with him, and all I can send to you is the strength and clarity to make that decision.

I almost feel like the decision to go no contact and end it was taken out of my hands as I was given an ultimatum by my family that I can't live with a relative or any of them while I continue to be in contact with him as it was destroying me and them. I guess I didn't have the strength to make that decision but I have to have the strength to maintain the no contact every day.

I hope that you can find the strength for you and your children to do what you think is right and will give you and your kids a happy life.
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Old 02-08-2015, 04:10 AM
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Hello Alaska - and welcome. You will find a huge support system on this site.

I am also married to a highly functional alcoholic. Mine is more the closet drinker, he is not abusive but he is sneaky and that rubs me the wrong way. Like others I struggle with being married to someone I really don't trust.

Keep coming back and take care!
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:02 PM
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my previous relationships, the person was an addict. So let's say I leave my alcoholic husband, how do I change who I'm attracted too? I feel like there are so many addicts out there. It's scary. I know I should just be alone but that's my fear. Being alone. Before I met my husband I was single for a year and had taken healthy relationship classes and was doing great.
It's so confusing why I'm sick like this.
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:36 PM
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I am alone for the first time in my life. I Was with my a for 34 years. I was 15 when we started dating. So with my family for the first 15 years. Now alone at 50.

I don't think there was anyone more afraid then me. You do what you have to do to survive. When your life is for shxt with an addict you have no other choice but to put your big girls pants on and deal with it. Sorry but no other answer to be any kinder. I chose to survive, by myself.

Its really not bad getting to know myself. What I like and want to do. Not all the other stuff people in my life want To do. I need to do a lot of work on myself to become strong and healthy. I am Taking time just for that.
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:40 PM
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Something I have learned about is the idea of chaos hunters. It's part of the cycle of codependency. When someone becomes used to being in a rollercoaster ride of a life, that's what becomes normal. That's what is reward and makes us feel useful.
So when we see someone who creates chaos, we say 'ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, maybe I can fix this.' or 'oooooh, I know this situation'. Not exactly consciously, but we get sucked in. We get the urge to fix or change or be part of it (even if we know we don't want to).

But basically we have to learn how to be ok without conflict in our lives. It often becomes so normalized that when things aren't crazy and conflictual we feel weird and uncomfortable. So it's an unlearning process.

Maybe? I dunno. Just my thoughts.
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:57 PM
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chaos hunters..what a perfect phrase....I might steal it!
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