ladyscribbler

Well, I'm hoping that a combination of Alanon and individual therapy will fix everything that is twisted up inside me, but that remains to be seen. So far I've been working on myself for a little over a year and am still officially terrified of entering into another relationship.
Someone here broke it down once, and actually addicts/alcoholics are about ten percent of the population, so they are really a minority if you think about it.
This is actually something I've been wondering about. In the unlikely event that I feel like dating again. But maybe not that unlikely, since I'm thinking about it. Must be Valentine's Day madness eating away at my brain. Time to go buy myself some chocolate.

Spalding

Just to be clear, I learned that term from a professional, I didn't come up with it myself : P

LemonGirl

I like the chaos hunter idea too! And I'm one of them! Sort of....

Though I have dated many addicts, ex addicts, a few alcoholics, a lovely narcissist.... I have also managed to date a few nice guys. But it's more like I bury myself in the nice guy relationships in order to keep from another bad relationship. Eventually though I get bored and leave...

What I want to know is, if I never saw a good example growing up, what do I use for a healthy gauge? It can't be like the movies, and certainly not like my parents...

Well.... for now, I think it's important to accept being alone and learn to love it. I don't like that idea either Alaska...

Alaska907

I thought about the dating a nice guy thing. First how am I even attracted to that guy, and second then do I become the disfunction in the relationship? I could see myself getting insecure when they didn't get jealous or if they didn't check up on me all the time. I guess if I got myself to healthier place I could start recognizing what healthy love is. Love shouldn't be all these ups and downs. But it's been my norm for so long. Ugh

Spalding

Well it certainly seems like you guys have good insight on the way it might impact you? I would think a personal counselor would be able to help you work on those things along with your own insight into it?

SadInTX

I so can relate to your posting...I am in love with my AH as well. When he drinks he picks fights with me and verbally/mentally/emotionally abuses me. But when he is sober he can be sweet, loving, kind, attentive, etc. It confuses me too...like Friday night he did not drink at all..first time in weeks...then he drinks Saturday and yesterday...last night was awful...more fights, more accusations that I am crazy, I need help, blah blah..
I have two kids from a previous relationship and have primary custody. I too have to do what is right for my boys...AH keeps saying that he is the best father figure for them...tries to justify all the fights are my fault..it's exhausting...I hope you get the support that we all need and figure out what is best for you and your girls. You don't have to make the final decision today...but you will eventually figure it out. Do the happier times out weigh the bad? That is what I am asking mself...still don't have an answer..

Jane11

The phrase and thought of chaos hunters also made me think of how I viewed my x at times- like he was the chaos hunter. He was never happy unless there was some level of drama, anxiety, stress, conflict. He even admitted himself that he would sabotage things because he was so afraid of just being happy.

I often used to say to him why can't you just be happy, be in the moment, stop always looking for the drama and negativity. I think part of that was to do with the chaos he grew up around- he became so accustomed to it that it was like the norm for him- and the longer I was with him I felt as if I was becoming accustomed to the drama too- which made me feel crazy.

Now I almost feel like I don't know what a 'normal' happy calm relationship would be like- does that thought instil huge hope or huge fear in me? Idk.

Sorry if I've wondered off topic, just thinking (or writing) out loud

Alaska907

I enjoyed reading this. I was thinking last night, I'm able to create lots of long lasting friendships with women that don't create drama, anxiety, etc. so I'm thinking there is hope with a male.
Some how I need to figure out how I'm able to attract amazing friendships but not mates. I need to keep working on this need for a man thing. Maybe that's the key.

Ducktapetherapy

Thank you for sharing and reaching out for support. I understand that none of this is easy. It's great that you have joined al-anon, you don't need to travel this road alone. Have you considered any counseling? HUGS!

~Ducktapetherapy77

Honshine

That's exactly how mine was/is. Eventually the benders get longer and longer. And their life gets more and more hectic. He literally has nothing at this point. Because he spends all of his money on booze.lost his job probably won't be able to get another one because he can't stop smoking weed. His license is now suspended. He's just gotten himself into a riproaring rut. And I'm only three years in Lol.

It really doesn't get better I didn't get it for a long time. I came here and I was like people tell me what to do and I didn't like their answers at all. Everything everyone said to me was like a foreign language because wasn't anything that I want to hear. I wanted to know how to make it better. How to have that super happy life that I deserved. I don't want to leave him I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. But now I have my own house my kids are happy I'm almost there. I am alone. But I'm accomplishing so much more. So it really just depends on when you're ready to stop putting up with it. Because you can't beat it.
Everyone is really right. It does get better you get used to making your own decisions. Doing things that you want to do without feeling like you have to explain yourself to somebody. But it totally took me a lot of pain and tears and hellish dying like feelings. But I win. Because he who cares least wins.
So I guess what I'm getting at is its sink or swim. And it sucks but want to make it to shore it all works out. I'm so sorry you're going through this. And also sorry about my small excerpt here.

NYCDoglvr

Alanon taught me there's a big difference between love and need. As a codependent I needed him as much as he needed alcohol, even though I didn't trust or respect him.

Alaska907

Wow this was so powerful to me. Your so right. It's going to take me getting to that point of being done. I wish I was there sooner. Hopefully all the working I'm doing on myself will get me there sooner then later. I worry about my girls and hate that I can't leave for them. It's not black and white and for 80% of the time they have an amazing father. It's that 20% that will be so damaging that I'm afraid one day they will say to me" why didn't you leave for us?"
Thanks for your story. Made me feel better.