How do you keep your side of the street clean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
How do you keep your side of the street clean?
Hi F&F -
I have an interesting situation. My high functioning alcoholic husband is sweeter and kinder when he's drunk than when he's sober. Has anyone else experienced that?
In spite of the improvement in his character when he drinks, I think that he drinks alcoholically. I had to stop drinking due to the progression of addiction in my life. I's been almost a year since I quit, and I've done it while my husband continues to drink in my presence, in our house. I've been very clear with him that having alcohol in the house made me uncomfortable when I first stopped, and that today it frustrates me. He flat out denies that he's in addiction's grips. I used to deny it too.
When he drinks, he drinks a lot. There is zero moderation exercised. Last night I got home pretty late from a night out with a few friends. By the time I got home, my husband was pretty drunk. Nothing out of the ordinary, just drunk. He was hoping to chat, but I decided that the best way for me to spend the last 15 minutes before I went to bed was focusing on recovery, not on having a half drunk conversation with him. What sober person, even a normie, LIKES to be subjected to drunken conversations?
I married him knowing he drank excessively, and often. I married him knowing he is nicer when he's drunk. Now that I am a nondrinker, his drinking causes friction. I'm trying to make my life less about getting frustrated by his choices, less about rejecting him, and more about doing the next right thing, more about taking care of myself.
How did other folks keep their heads above water through this phase in their relationship with an alcoholic? How do you gauge whether you're doing the right thing and keeping your side of the street clean?
I have an interesting situation. My high functioning alcoholic husband is sweeter and kinder when he's drunk than when he's sober. Has anyone else experienced that?
In spite of the improvement in his character when he drinks, I think that he drinks alcoholically. I had to stop drinking due to the progression of addiction in my life. I's been almost a year since I quit, and I've done it while my husband continues to drink in my presence, in our house. I've been very clear with him that having alcohol in the house made me uncomfortable when I first stopped, and that today it frustrates me. He flat out denies that he's in addiction's grips. I used to deny it too.
When he drinks, he drinks a lot. There is zero moderation exercised. Last night I got home pretty late from a night out with a few friends. By the time I got home, my husband was pretty drunk. Nothing out of the ordinary, just drunk. He was hoping to chat, but I decided that the best way for me to spend the last 15 minutes before I went to bed was focusing on recovery, not on having a half drunk conversation with him. What sober person, even a normie, LIKES to be subjected to drunken conversations?
I married him knowing he drank excessively, and often. I married him knowing he is nicer when he's drunk. Now that I am a nondrinker, his drinking causes friction. I'm trying to make my life less about getting frustrated by his choices, less about rejecting him, and more about doing the next right thing, more about taking care of myself.
How did other folks keep their heads above water through this phase in their relationship with an alcoholic? How do you gauge whether you're doing the right thing and keeping your side of the street clean?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
When you get the right formula let me know. My husband no longer drinks at home, but he does still drink when away. Thats his idea of moderation and I just keep my mouth closed. I just don't have much energy left for going through another spiral downward. Sigh. Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Number one - kudos to you on your sobriety especially that you achieved that with active drinking in your home.
I don't know what route you took to sobriety (ie AA) but for me Al-Anon has saved me and my family so far. I also had some issues with being AH's drinking buddy. After my AH went off the deep end and ended up in rehab I realized that my drinking issues were associated with him and now aren't an issue.
That said...my AH is usually sweet, fun, silly, the biggest kid in the house, etc when he drinks. Of course he talks my head off and even gets into these philosophical discussion with the kids. ARRRGHHH just go to bed already!!! Lately it is starting to tip too far into blackout and he gets too rambunctious and a bit belligerent when I 'reprimand' him and the kids and then he just passes out. So next day with a hangover he is mad at himself, feels crappy and is usually a PITA to deal with. Has almost made me want him to drink again sometimes...
I know some folks here just hang out in the F&F section of SR, some attend Al-Anon, Celebrated Recovery, Coda and/or personal therapy. I would give Al-Anon a try - I have gotten a lot out of it and the focus is on you doing the right thing for YOU.
Good luck and take care of you and your recovery
I don't know what route you took to sobriety (ie AA) but for me Al-Anon has saved me and my family so far. I also had some issues with being AH's drinking buddy. After my AH went off the deep end and ended up in rehab I realized that my drinking issues were associated with him and now aren't an issue.
That said...my AH is usually sweet, fun, silly, the biggest kid in the house, etc when he drinks. Of course he talks my head off and even gets into these philosophical discussion with the kids. ARRRGHHH just go to bed already!!! Lately it is starting to tip too far into blackout and he gets too rambunctious and a bit belligerent when I 'reprimand' him and the kids and then he just passes out. So next day with a hangover he is mad at himself, feels crappy and is usually a PITA to deal with. Has almost made me want him to drink again sometimes...
I know some folks here just hang out in the F&F section of SR, some attend Al-Anon, Celebrated Recovery, Coda and/or personal therapy. I would give Al-Anon a try - I have gotten a lot out of it and the focus is on you doing the right thing for YOU.
Good luck and take care of you and your recovery
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by gleefan 
How do you gauge whether you're doing the right thing and keeping your side of the street clean?
On the other hand, if I'm feeling riled up and fearful, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, if I'm not feeling much happiness, if my main concern is the actions of my A, then I figure it's time to start doing some work on myself.
Sometimes it's hard to tell, right in the moment, isn't it...but like they say, "do the next right thing", so far as you can see, and more will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Hi........congratulations on your sobriety. I've been sober 23 years and there's no way I could stay sober any length of time around active alcoholics or heavy drinkers. As you know, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Seeing and smelling the alcohol would lead me to a drink. Your husband claims not to be an alcoholic ... so it should be no problem to not drink at home, especially since it affects your sobriety. It's a health issue for anyone in recovery. I wish you luck!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Just did today. Clean MY side, that is.
The AA / Alanon space near our house . . .
I would watch (pretty lazy, huh?) that one particular Alanon woman, whom I am fond of . . .
just socially . . . .
[mentioning that since Mrs. Hammer and Lawyers are likely reading -- HI! This whole Lawsuit got started after Mrs. Hammer was reading and being Jealous about the Meth-Beth thread -- not dating her, either.
Hope you are billing BIG Dollahs for reading this BS! ]
anyway . . . . this Alanon woman would clean at least some of our Alanon side, while I would do "pick up and put away," and she would clean ALL of the Common Area -- shared with AA -- the kitchen and bathrooms. Including the Men's Room. Since on a typical Saturday there are maybe at most 10 women and maybe 2 or 3 guys on the Alanon side, and maybe 30 or 40 (mostly men) on the AA side . . . I noticed that SHE was the ONLY person ever cleaning the Men's Restroom.
And after thinking that SHE had a guy on the AA side. And those Lazy Dirtbags would be the ones doing most of the peeing on the floor . . . .
Well. I became POed for her. How is that? I started to become a Co-dependent's Co-dependent.
So the past few Saturdays, she has not been there. So I took over cleaning everything, myself. But as I was laughing to myself cleaning the Restrooms. And the Serenity Prayer.
Things I can Clean (or Change). My side.
Things I do not Clean (or cannot Change). The other side of the shared Double Doors.
Alanon and Cleaning? My Side.
AA Dirtbags? . . . other side of street. Or at least the other side of the Double Doors.
In the olde days, I probably would have swept the AA side, as well.
MY side of the Street or Double Doors or whatever . . . IS CLEAN. This I know, I did it myself. The Dirt Bag's side . . . may vary.
The AA / Alanon space near our house . . .
I would watch (pretty lazy, huh?) that one particular Alanon woman, whom I am fond of . . .
just socially . . . .
[mentioning that since Mrs. Hammer and Lawyers are likely reading -- HI! This whole Lawsuit got started after Mrs. Hammer was reading and being Jealous about the Meth-Beth thread -- not dating her, either.
Hope you are billing BIG Dollahs for reading this BS! ] anyway . . . . this Alanon woman would clean at least some of our Alanon side, while I would do "pick up and put away," and she would clean ALL of the Common Area -- shared with AA -- the kitchen and bathrooms. Including the Men's Room. Since on a typical Saturday there are maybe at most 10 women and maybe 2 or 3 guys on the Alanon side, and maybe 30 or 40 (mostly men) on the AA side . . . I noticed that SHE was the ONLY person ever cleaning the Men's Restroom.
And after thinking that SHE had a guy on the AA side. And those Lazy Dirtbags would be the ones doing most of the peeing on the floor . . . .
Well. I became POed for her. How is that? I started to become a Co-dependent's Co-dependent.
So the past few Saturdays, she has not been there. So I took over cleaning everything, myself. But as I was laughing to myself cleaning the Restrooms. And the Serenity Prayer.
Things I can Clean (or Change). My side.
Things I do not Clean (or cannot Change). The other side of the shared Double Doors.
Alanon and Cleaning? My Side.
AA Dirtbags? . . . other side of street. Or at least the other side of the Double Doors.
In the olde days, I probably would have swept the AA side, as well.
MY side of the Street or Double Doors or whatever . . . IS CLEAN. This I know, I did it myself. The Dirt Bag's side . . . may vary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Thanks for the input. I appreciate the wisdom from the folks who have walked this path.
I told him that when I came home to see that he was drunk I didn't want to talk to him, and that when he drank a lot Saturday at a party, I felt uncomfortable.
He didn't acknowledge what I said with words, a nod, eye contact, or even a grunt. Then he changed the subject.
I understand that he's an alcoholic. I understand that he misses having me as his drinking buddy. I understand that the changes in me in sobriety are shaking his sense of security to the core.
I don't feel that his behavior is acceptable, and I felt anger rising up inside me, but I didn't give in to that feeling. I didn't chastise him for ignoring me. I didn't beg him to understand me. He'll understand me if he wants to.
Thanks all!
I told him that when I came home to see that he was drunk I didn't want to talk to him, and that when he drank a lot Saturday at a party, I felt uncomfortable.
He didn't acknowledge what I said with words, a nod, eye contact, or even a grunt. Then he changed the subject.
I understand that he's an alcoholic. I understand that he misses having me as his drinking buddy. I understand that the changes in me in sobriety are shaking his sense of security to the core.
I don't feel that his behavior is acceptable, and I felt anger rising up inside me, but I didn't give in to that feeling. I didn't chastise him for ignoring me. I didn't beg him to understand me. He'll understand me if he wants to.
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 10
Good for you on your sobriety. I'm an alcoholic sober eight months after going to re hab. My wife that is not alcoholic now does not drink as she knows it would greatly affect my chances of survival. You have done something right to get and stay sober .. I would not have stayed sober if I was around alcohol day in day out. I had to quit my job in sales because of the highly social atmosphere that included alcohol.As for the answer I do not have it. I just wanted to give you some positive energy and to tell you to stay strong.
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