Got the Physical Space, Having Trouble With the Emotional
 

So, I am officially out of my old place and finally have some space from my ex ABF. I had to go by there twice this week to finish cleaning and saw him and his new girlfriend as she said her goodbyes as she was leaving to start her day. Man, that was tough. It made me feel hostile. It made me feel heartbroken.
So, why am I still obsessing over him? I am in my new place and away from having to see all of that. Why am I not celebrating but instead still crying? Some days it is all so clear in my mind and then others it is so hard. I guess my question is- why do have such emotion and sadness over someone who showed me who he really was seven months ago? Who has kicked me every chance he has gotten since? How long will it take to really be free? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????

Nothing is wrong with you. It hurts to be hurt.

Tight hugs!

Timeiskey -

I was in a verbally abusive relationship years ago for 4 years. He cut me to the core. Know why we broke up??? One of his relatives pulled me to the side of the road to tell me he was getting married and she was pregnant! Oh did I forget to mention that he and I had NOT broken up yet!!

So how did I get over it - I grieved a lot! It made me physically ill. When I tell you that it took a HUGE support system to dig me out of my hole. It did not happen overnight, you are human for goodness sake. Cut yourself a brake and don't be so harsh. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. It is HIS loss your gain.

Want to dislike him again? Sit back and remember how it really was to be with him.

I am sorry you are feeling this way honey - but you have to believe that you are better off.

((hugs))

Sounds normal to me!

We have been separated almost a year, and I still have my moments from seeing old photos, or just facing life alone.

Then, I get a nasty e-mail or phone message, and I remember all over again why we're separated.

Hang in there! Time will be your friend.

Now that you are OUT and have no reason to go over there and rip open your wounds, they will start to heal.

It will help if you get rid of any "romantic" reminders you have around, stay OFF his FB or anyplace else you are likely to "see" him, and let your friends know that no matter what they see him doing, where, or with whom, you do NOT want to hear about it.

Time, I hope and believe that it will become less hurtful for you.

Thanks everyone. Yes Lexie- going back over there has ripped me open each time. My landlord just informed me that I left something there...if it wasn't something cherished, I would just leave it. But I hate the idea of returning. I also have to continue to check my mail for a few days, but will probably wait on both until the middle of next week and go when I am fairly confident he is working.
I have blocked him in my email, Facebook, and phone/text. None of my friends would bring him up, because they know exactly what kind of person he is and how he has hurt me. Those that would say something to me are people I am not in contact with- they either are his drinking buddies or they just don't really know what kind of person he is in actuality. I already destroyed almost everything that he gave me.
So, the healing can really begin. I don't have anything pressing hanging over my head that has to be addressed in terms of that residence. I can leave it alone for now and focus on work and unpacking. Just writing this out and reading your support here is helping. I will definitely be hitting AlAnon and Coda this weekend.
When I think about where I was when I first came on this site and then consider where I am, I find some relief as well. It has been a painful road past denial and codependent actions to a healthier place. But progress has been made and in that knowing is some gratitude and strength...even when it isn't the first emotion or thought in my mind.

Could you ask the landlord to ship it to you (you could pay the cost using PayPal), or ask a friend to stop by and pick it up?

Fabulous idea Lexie! I forget it is alright to ask for help. Just sent a text to a neighbor friend to see if she will pick up the stuff for me. I would REALLY love to skip another round of my ex and his lovely new lady.

Hugs time I don't have any advise but I do understand how your feeling, it hurts like h*llol. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you (((((hugs)))))

H*llol was a typing error apologies.

Attagirl.

Incidentally, you can go to the USPS website and start having your mail forwarded IMMEDIATELY. That would save you having to make those trips.

I set up a "hold mail" online every time I go out of town even for 2-3 days. I do a lot of online shopping, so by doing that I can make sure I don't have packages sitting in front of my door while I'm gone. It's very convenient, and as I said, you can do it so it takes effect immediately.

I go through ups and downs everyday as well. It's all part of the process I believe. Don't be so hard on yourself!! I'm obsessing too- wondering what he's doing? Why hasn't he tried contacting me... but I know in the end this is all good things. Try to remember all the bad times- that helps me!

nothing is wrong with you......

Now that you're out, things will get better quickly :)

I'm curious about the "other" non-drinking culture in New Orleans--

I know so much is built around booze, but what else have you found?

I was born and raised in Louisiana - 2 hours west of New Orleans, we visited there quite a bit. I can tell you that the media does not help when it comes to promoting all the booze, yes it is there, but no it does not have to be considered a "staple" to survive.

When I moved to the East Coast and mentioned Mardi Gras they all though it was about boobs and beer! Mardi Gras is a Christian Holiday, celebrated by the birth of baby Jesus (the baby in the cake).

New Orleans is beautiful, even the aftermath of Katrina could not take away its beautiful culture.

Sorry this is a bit off topic but I love my state and love to share anything I can about it!

Thanks,
Little Cajun, AKA knowthetriggers :tyou

you can ask the post office to put a hold on your mail and just pick it up at the local post office as they give you 30 days for this, then make sure you put in a change of address card with them

sending love and hugs in this difficult time

I'm sorry you're hurting still. I have had only two relationships that have ever caused me such long term "missing them" pain. One was just that we lost contact from moving the same weekend and not knowing our forwarding addresses, and the other was because I was his 'intermittent chicken'.... Anyone else remember that post? Where there was an experiment done on chickens that received pellets of food regularly or intermittently, and the one that received them intermittently became obsessive. That there is something to how a narcissistic person sets you up to be that intermittent chicken. Anyway, that was me for the second guy.... About 6-7 years of that roller coaster. When I finally realized he was never going to actually fulfill that dream I kept in my head, I was able to let him go. And I have been NC with him for over a year now and though I think of him, I am no longer hurting....

Maybe gaining some perspective on who your ex is and the dreams you have for yourself will help you put him in the rightful place in your mind and heart... ((hugs))

Well as I sit here in tears because I can completely feel where the OP is coming from. I am going through basically the same thing, and I am at a point where I really want him to feel the hurt and devastation that I have been feeling for so long. I am so glad I came to this forum. I stumbled on it looking for answers as to why he could manage to be such a total and complete a-hole, well I don't have all the answers and I probably never will but, just knowing I am not alone is so helpful. Thank you for everything you do here.

Hey, Time. Give yourself credit. I think you're doing great. Breaking up just hurts, especially when the hurt comes from what we think is a promising, meaningful relationship. The intensity of a relationship with an alcoholic is usually pretty extreme, right? So we fall hard, and the harder the fall, the deeper the grief, I think.

So...lesson learned the hard way...but great things can come of this for you, and I think they will. Your healing has started. You're taking a hard look at you and that, my friend, is such a gift. Maybe one day, years from now, when he's become a distant thought (and he will, I promise) you'll run into him somewhere and have a chance to thank him for helping you on your journey to personal healing. Because by then, you will have grown tremendously, I have no doubt. Thanks to guys like him, you and I and others here are able to learn that the reasons we choose alcoholics and addicts are because of our own insecurities/needs/brokenness. Lessons learned, gifts of healing accepted. :)

You are strong, capable, beautiful, and deserving of wonderful things. You'll find them. Just keeping working on yourself until then. You'll get there.