knowthetriggers

Well I had a conversation with my AH last evening. I took advantage of a rare moment that we had - kids were sleeping and the house was quite.

It was a good conversation. I thanked him for his response to my note, he smiled gently and then I asked him how his recovery is going. He tells me one day at a time, that is all I can do right now. I agreed. His recovery is based on daily prayer and reflection, he handed it all over to his HP.

I told him that I support him and that was such a positive step forward. I asked if he had a back up plan. He said to pray. Right here is where I caught myself - my mind was thinking red flag! you need something stronger than that. BUT, I never said those words - I dismissed the idea. I did ask if he thought pride was stopping him from seeking a backup plan and he told me no, that he was quite humbled these days.

He shared a story of a coworker who is pretty much in the same situation we are - he gave him some pretty solid advice, words such as she needs to work on her program and you need to work on yours. This is your cross to bare and she should respect that and work her recovery, etc. Then he went to say that he actually shared his experience and our situation. I have no issue with that, he is talking freely about it, to me that is HUGE.

I did ask him to please respect our home and not bring the liquor in to hide it. Our children have found it, I have found it. By no means are we looking for it, it is just not hidden very well. He did agree to that so we shall see. He has been drinking in moderation, so much so that he opens a beer and it goes flat. I have noticed that this time he is calm, if that makes sense. In the past when he tried to quite or moderate he was edgy and agitated.

I shared with him as well. I told him I was working really hard trying not to suffocate the family with all my controlling. He agreed, said he knew I was trying. He knows about SR, I was forthcoming about me joining this site. Didn't want any secrets. I shared that this site and my daily readings had really opened my eyes.

We talked about the day we would have to sit with our children and discuss the topic of alcohol and drugs. I shared that when that day comes I hope he and I are both strong and humble enough to share with them how it has impacted our lives. Don't get me wrong, we have a teenager and an 8 year old, we have spoken to them about the basics, parenting stuff. I mean when we really have to sit down with a heart to heart to our kids.

I did request that we be more open about the topic, by no means do I want to talk about this everyday, but it wouldn't hurt if we shared how we were coming along on our road to recovery, he agreed and the conversation shifted.

IMO, yeah, this was a good talk. I did not cry, beg, plead, lash out, or become to emotionally attached. It was a clam conversation where we both shared and it felt comfortable.

And to add to my baby steps of progress, tomorrow is his birthday. He likes quite birthdays, no big deal. Me, on the other hand, I LOVE my birthday and I enjoy my birthday. I love going out to dinner with friends and family. Every year I ask him where does he want to go eat. Sometimes he wants to go, sometimes he says I just want to stay home. I used to push him to decide where he wanted to go, I mean it's YOUR birthday, we need to go out and eat. HA - did you catch that! It's YOUR birthday...geez, I am such a control freak!

At any rate, he had chosen a place to go eat but I could tell he was not to thrilled about the idea. So in an email yesterday I mentioned that being it was HIS birthday we did not have to go anywhere. He tells me that if we ordered in it would be cheaper. My response to that was - This is not about money - this is YOUR birthday so we can either stay in or go out. That comment right there may not mean much to all of you but I promise you - it was a HUGE step for me!

Thanks for reading!!

CodeJob

Thanks for sharing this conversation Trigger. I hope he follows through and you keep learning the reins on your ways too.

Recognizing the patterns you speak and stopping are really good to share. Sometimes I fear we sound a little out of touch with Let it Go. There is so much work in learning to let it go.

LexieCat

Sounds like you are keeping your thinking realistic. I have a feeling that the "moderation" experiment will blow up in his face, but that's what had to happen for me. Personally, I cannot imagine any problem drinker/alcoholic (and yes, there are a few but they are far between) deciding to get sober and stay that way for good, right from jump. Even the Big Book suggests TRYING to control drinking in an effort to determine whether you are an alcoholic.

In my case, I was able to "control" my drinking for discrete periods, which kept me struggling with it for four years before I finally decided I no longer wanted to live that way. Hopefully he stays honest with himself--or as honest as he can--because it can take quite a while to figure out that you CAN'T drink.

If I were to pick up a drink today, I seriously doubt that I would be right back where I started, immediately. And that's where it gets sneaky. It gets your guard down. I have no doubt, though, that within a matter of weeks--possibly as long as a few months--I WOULD be right back where I started.

Glad you had a good talk. And it sounds as if he's at least WANTING to be different--it just may not be possible without taking the drastic step he's been avoiding.

knowthetriggers

Thanks CodeJob - I can honestly say this is the first conversation in about 10 or 11 years that I did not cry or beg him to get help. And you know what - that is EXACTLY how long it has been since I had worked on MY program.


Just saying......

knowthetriggers

Exactly my feelings, he WANTS change. He totally struggles and I get that he wants to help himself but hey - I know I can't make him. And that is MY struggle.

He is a good man, I've told him so, but I have also told him that I there was not enough love in the world to make him better, this is something he had to want and do.

Like many of us have said, it is hard to watch someone you love so dearly struggle with this disease.

Katchie

I think you did a really good job and your recovery is looking good on you!

LexieCat

The lightbulb for me came when I realized not only did I NOT want to have to keep struggling with trying to change the effect alcohol had on me, but that it was actually EASIER to quit altogether than to keep up that battle.

See, sometimes having a lazy streak does pay off! Being an active alcoholic was like having another full-time job--and one where the pay/benefits were eventually greatly outweighed by the drudgery of maintaining it. I felt the way I've felt in the past when I quit a job that was bringing me down so badly I hardly even realized how much until I stopped. As my mom used to say, it was like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer because it feels so good when you STOP.

spedteach

Good job knowthetriggers!
All you can do is take care of YOU and work YOUR program, but what a great way to open the lines of communication between the 2 of you!

This is hard...I know, I struggle daily with my RAH and our relationship can be quite strained, but I do believe in the end, this will all be worth it.

Keep up the good work!

knowthetriggers

Yes - I struggle daily. Sometimes I wonder if my struggle to not control his just as hard as his struggle to not drink. And just as I type that sentence it gives me a different perspective!

LemonGirl

I loved reading this post! This definitely sounds like a step in the right direction. For now, this is a good place to be! Good job!

knowthetriggers

Thanks Katchie - for the first time I was so comfortable and not a ball of nerves. It made a big difference for me. And when the conversation shifted, I let it shift and did not go back to force more talking.

knowthetriggers

Thanks!

I pray daily that I can keep getting stronger inside. I hate that I always have that doubt in my mind. Sometimes is it way in the background but at times it sneaks up on me; however, I am learning to pull out my daily readers and read the topics that are concerning me - OR, I re-read a post or my journal.

Keeps me from slipping too far back.