wolflvr

Hi everyone. Todau is a horrible day for me. Last night my husband came home from work, showered, went to the neighbors, passed out, called me at 3am cuz he couldnt find his keys, found them at 5am, came home, slept till 6:30 when I woke him up for work and said "I messed up last night." Do ya think? He just doesnt get it. How can he tell me he loves me and wants our marriage to work when he is never around anymore. It seems apparent to me that my feelings do not matter...alcohol does. The neighbors come home from work and drink everyday till they pass out. Isnt that attractive? I used to drink with my hubby but quit 5 1/2 months ago when he was in the hospital. Now it seems like Im not fun to him anymore. Im not the drinking buddy I used to be. I feel I am a good wife and have put up with a lot of crap from him and his actions yet he acts as if its ok to do what he does. Sure he said he messed up but he knew what was gonna happen when he went to their house. Its not a MISTAKE and Im sick of him saying it is. He makes a concious decision to do what he does. I ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed..no answer of course. I cannot take it anymore. The sadness and lonliness I feel is unbearable anymore. I feel like 9 years of my life were wasted on a hopeless alcoholic. It will catch up to him physically because he already has health issues due to drinking and hepc. He thinks cuz he feels good and doesnt drink as much as he used to it wont hurt him. The problem is he cannot see his liver or pancreas. He knows he cannot drink yet he does. I know its a "disease" but when is enough enough. Its like I live in a fantasy world where in my head he is one person but in reality he is another. I dont know what to do anymore. I am only 31 and dont want to spend forever with someone who has no regard for my feelings. He says he does but actions speak louder than words.

cwohio

wolf - sorry for your horrible day. i know your feeling of hopelessness. i sometimes slip back and start thinking about all the things you mentioned. mine got an overdue city income letter which was supposed to be paid in 10 days (that was about 14 days ago), but he can go out and look into spending money to buy a hot tub. ok what would the obvious priority be? I reminded him once about a week ago about mailing the payment but have bitten my tongue since as this would border on codie behavior.

it is sad, but i am going to give al-anon a shot for a while, and also look into some counseling for myself. if i give it my best shot and things don't change for me or him, then i might have to think about leaving.

hang in and do for yourself and hopefully you can feel stronger to deal with your situation and if necessary, make a decision you can live with.

hugs - cwohio

JT

I wish I could get back all the days I wasted because I was confused or angry about something an alcoholic did. I really try to not give them anymore of my time. They have had plenty.

You are not going to worry the problem away...you really can go have a good laugh. It will still be there. You can't control it.

Hugs,
JT

Lorelai

Wolflvr -
I know where you're coming from. I spent so much of my life trying to get into his head - trying to figure out why he did what he did - trying to figure out how he could say he loved me and then act like that.

Only when I started trying to get into my own head was I able to see what was right in front of me. He does those things because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. There is no logic to it, no explanation, no reasoning with it. It just is. I have to work on me because spending my life trying to figure him out was driving me crazy.
L

Magichappens

I know the frustration you are going through. It took me a long time to realize that alcoholism/addiction robs someone of the ability to care for themself, much less anyone else. It has taken a lot of Al-Anon meetings, and working the steps to forgive and learn to love the person despite their problems. We need to seek our love and support from each other, because many times our spouse or loved one isn't capable of showing it. I have found such strength and healing in my meetings. The friends that I have made really know and understand my life, and can help me heal. It takes time, and I know it's frustrating. Sometimes it's impossible to mend a relationship, but if we give the Al-Anon program time, we can find peace, healing, and serenity, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I wish you peace, healing, and serenity in this painful time. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

And those are perhaps the best words I have ever heard on the subject.

Teggie

Wow just reading these I am amazed! We have all come a long way eh? Esp you ((((cwohio)))) you joined around the same time I did, I love hearing whats coming out of your fingers! Look at you go! I'm proud of you! Of course Magic, JT, Lorelai and Gabe always make mega sense all the time lol.
(((Wolflvr)))) very good info here hun, I feel your frustration, like that song says "Your sick and tired of being sick and tired" Have you been keeping your alanon up? I find a good meeting really helps when I'm going through some difficult stuff. My hugs and prayers go to you, hang in there! Teggie

wolflvr

Well I am new to this and have not gone to an al anon meeting yet. They are few and far between where I live for some reason. I would like to go to see how it is. My husband of course says I dont need to go but its not about what he thinks, its about me and how I feel. I want to feel strong again and not like a doormat. I dont want to cry everytime he disappoints me. I dont want to get sick to my stomach when he comes home because I dont know what the night will bring. Most of all I dont want to feel alone anymore.

Lorelai

Hey sweetie -
You're not alone. You have all of us and we care about you. It does get better - keep working on you.
L

eveie

(((((((((((((((((((wolf)))))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you, hun in so many ways! and I just think that about when my roomate walks in the door! its like the black cloud comes in as I call it, and goes to his basement cave with his bottle, like a lil troll.. I lok at it like that and have to giggle, but alanon helps, and this forum does to, today was a bad day for me, and I am beginning to love these people becuase I can come here and they understand.. I am on ***** and msn, and if you look in the profiles alot of us are... I like that, so we can chat that way too...hugs to you from Montana,

Magichappens

My H didn't think I needed to go either. He doesn't have to live in my skin. I NEEDED it. He accepts it now. Hugs, Magic

Jessicams

It's amazing how I felt so alone, yet I've come to realize how many people are struggling with the exact same issues as I am. I have been married for 10 years, am only 34 and also feel what a waste it was. My husband not only drinks but does crack. It's constantly the same old thing. I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, I love and care about you and want our marriage to work. Yet it's just one broken promise after another. I have told him to leave only for him to talk his way back. I have even left, only for him to to convince me and fill my head with promises of a new beginning with hopes and dreams of a wonderful future. Yet the promises are broken just as fast as they were made. I'm so frustrated I could just scream. They just don't get it. He just makes me feel guilty because I'm not being understanding of all is life crisis he's been going through. I'm not being supportive and I should know that something is bothering him. Like I'm a mind reader and I'm supposed to hold his hand 24/7. He is a grown man with a wife, kid, home, and financial responsibilities. I should not have to babysit him and tell him what is right or wrong. He has put me through hell the last 2 years, yet I'm supposed to keep holding his hand and be more understanding of his problems. Why should I care when he doesn't. He cares when he needs to. When he knows he really screwed up and I'm pissed, then he's concerned about my feelings. He's not concerned of my feelings when he's boozing and drugging. He doesn't care until it's too late, until the damage is done. He has cost us thousands of dollars, drained us financially and now in the process of filing bankruptcy. He blew his entire last paycheck after I paid bills, so of course bills just bounced and bounced, have no money for gas or groceries for me and my daughter.
Sorry if I'm going on and on. It's real hard not to when you have so much anger and frustration built up inside. I want my life back and want it now. If this is the kind of love and care they have to offer, I don't want it. I also agree that actions speak louder than words, but they don't get it and they never will

cwohio

teggie - thanks for the kudos - i am just an infant but am willing to try and that's 90% of the battle! hugs back - cwohio

jessicams - many of us (if not all) have been "sucked in" with the promises - they probably mean them at the time. i'm sure none of us want to "babysit" grown folks and guess what, al-anon teaches us that we shouldn't! come back often and vent, but see if you can find an al-anon meeting - it may help you! cwohio

cwohio

oh and eveie - i just had a laugh out loud (good thing i am alone in my office today) - your post was hilarious (troll goes to his basement cave......)

thanks for the chuckle - hugs cwohio