Stung

Today is my birthday. I received the usual text messages and well wishes from friends and family. Then I also received flowers today. The two people I received flowers from are the two people who have been hands down the cruelest to me in my entire life: my mother and my husband's mother. Both of them have said things to me that are beyond reproach and now they both want to pretend that those things were never said. I cannot and will not play that game. So I'm absolutely no contact with my MIL and I'm very limited contact with my own mother, who a few weeks ago was trying to cajole me into allowing her to see my kids without her having to see me, even suggesting that she have a sleep over with my oldest daughter (3 years old), which just made my blood boil so I never responded back to her.

What I don't understand is why. I've been VERY clear and consistent with my no contact with MIL. I don't want this person in my life or my children's lives. Period. With my mom, I'm just so confused. How can you tell me that you don't want to have a relationship with me and then send me a giant bouquet of flowers for my birthday? Especially since she didn't send my kids anything during the holidays. And then flowers on my birthday? I just don't understand.

I wish the feelings were mutual. I want them to forget about me and just leave me alone. I just don't understand. I will never understand the dysfunctional dynamics and I'm sure that to some degree a lot of this is me trying to understand crazy that has been around long before I was even born, but I just don't get it. I'm not a people pleaser or a peace keeper, if people don't like me that is their choice, there are lots of people who actually do like me. But if you don't like me, please leave me alone then. I don't get it.

freetosmile

Happy birthday to you
You've detached from a zoo
They act like a money--
But-- do they look like one too?



Happy birthday!!

Having said that--

yeah that just sucks and it sends such mixed messages. I wish people like that would just get on one side of the fence or the other-- either you like me or you don't. Period.

It never works that way with dysfunction. It's like they WANT us to know that they are still lurking, preying, and ready to pounce.

I'm so sorry--maybe you could give the flowers to someone at work or something. Maybe someone you know who is having a hard time. Turn a bad thing into a good thing (?)

Either way--- I wouldn't keep the flowers around. Just a bad reminder of people who don't *honestly* give a damn.

hugs- do something nice for you-- it's your birthday!!

Stung

I hadn't thought about giving the flowers away but that's a much better idea than tossing them (it's a miracle that I haven't already tossed the ones from MIL).

Last weekend friends took me out and this weekend I have a massage, facial and wrap scheduled for myself. Overall it's a pretty good birthday but those flowers just feel like bad juju. I feel like they both threw a grenade onto my side of the street. Like what am I supposed to do about this? There is no way in hell I'm thanking MIL for flowers, and I'm going to struggle thanking my mom. Like "thanks for the flowers…even though you're very adamant that you don't want to have any relationship with me. Feels so good to be remembered on my birthday by those who love and treasure me the most. NOT!" I feel like I just look like a butthole no matter what I do.

Hawks

I think its cruel to impose that on your children and their Grandmother.

Think about how you might feel one day if your son or daughter in law imposed that on you.

You have a bad day, say something mean, that you regret (obviously they do or they wouldn't send flowers) and boom...... Cut out of your grandchildrens lives.

Infinite punishment for a finite transgression.

Any room for forgiveness?

freetosmile

I don't think you need to worry about looking like a butthole to people who are adamantly refusing to acknowledge their behavior and it's that very behavior that has caused you soooo much pain.

It seems like you feel like they've handed you a "problem" and now you have to "deal" with it (?)

No- you don't. You don't need to thank them or anything. It's OK to not react- remember that?

I'm glad you did awesome stuff last weekend. I need a massage soooo bad- I'm jealous

freetosmile

Hawks-

I don't think this was a one time deal-- it sounds like this has been going on for a while.

Fluffer

Obviously I don't know anything about your history or other posts, but I'm just wondering what your situation has to do with recovery or substance abuse?

Stung

That's cute. A bad day. I'm a reasonable person. Let's call it a bad attitude as long as I've known her. She once told me that my unborn child was going to drown in my swimming pool. I let that slide and a million things since then until I finally said enough. My own mother has screamed at me during many family events and has many times accused me of ruining her life. Those are not bad days. LOL

I forgive her. I don't want her in my life. Forgiveness is for me, not them.

Stung

My recovery isn't from substances but behaviors and reacting to people.

I just checked and I'm not posting on the Alcoholism forum. Yep, this is the place for people like me, I'm effected by other people's alcoholism and other ISMs.

freetosmile

??????????????????

I'm just wondering what your post has to do with supporting the OP?

Katchie

Aww... happy birthday!!! Don't let those critters bother you! They are just full of self.

Let's face it, family's are weird. I know mine is. I can remember when I was too short to get my own glass of water; my grandmother (not the one whose house I'm fixing) was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and I tugged on the hem of her shirt asking for something to drink. She flat out ignored me and in true little girl fashion I just thought she didn't know I was there and kept on tugging at her. My older sister saw me repeatedly ask for a glass of water and got it for me instead. My grandmother pretended I wasn't there. She wasn't hard of hearing. I later learned that she decided she only had time for the 1st born of each of her 4 sons and that's why she ignored me, the 2nd born of my dad.

When I was in college this grandmother decided to start writing me letters and talked about how much she loved me. Really? When? And urged me to spend some time with her when I was in town. So, dummy me, I called her and thanked her for her sweet letter and asked if I could come by some time to have her help me fill out a family tree. She said she didn't have time. What a psycho. This woman did nothing but sit in a chair all day long. I never called her again and I was ok with that. Whenever I did see her with my dad she would always say, "you know grandma loves you, right?" All words with cold actions.

Point is, you CAN live without them if they continue to hurt you over and over and probably best to keep your children from that dysfunction where they will end up getting hurt too. Leopards don't change their spots too often; at least not that I've witnessed.

NWGRITS

There's nothing wrong with protecting your children from toxic people. My kids will never see my mother again, and they know why. No guilt here.

I'm sorry they're being shitheads, Stung. I got a card from my AM for Valentine's Day where she listed out the details of her current stay on a nursing home because she's lost all use of her legs. I started to feel slightly bad for her until she started heaping the blame on me for "taking her grandchildren away". Uh, she was the one who decided to get trashed while she was supposed to be babysitting them. Anyway, it's amazing how these things can throw us for a loop so easily. Happy birthday!

Stung

Yes! I could handle the flowers from my mom because I do believe that she loves me and I do love my mom even though she's super abusive but not my MIL. She's just a really mean, mean, mean person. I really just want her to stop sending me stuff in the mail. That's the only way she has contact with me and it's all one way. Ugh.

NWGRITS

I return everything to my mom, but this didn't have her return address on it (forgot she lost her house to auction in August), so I opened it. Read it because at first it seemed safe enough. But normally I reject it with the delivery person or write "return to sender". It helps. My husband deletes the voicemail off my phone for me. She hasn't attempted to email me in over a year.

Stung

I think I'm going to return the next thing that MIL sends. She has no idea that AH has relapsed several times now since rehab so maybe she's under the impression that we're playing "happy family" again. We're separated, she's always talked crap about me, especially after I got pregnant with our first (she's an expert on parenting according to her after all, she's had 5 kids [never mind that 3 of them are alcoholics]) and when stuff started hitting the fan with AH she really unsheathed her claws. I don't even want to communicate with her to say "leave me alone" my actions (or inaction) should be saying plenty!

NWGRITS

Sounds like a plan! Sending lots of birthday and understanding craziness hugs to you.

knowthetriggers

Sorry you had all these feelings on your birthday! Hope you were able to have a nice evening.

When I first read your post I thought your mother was like mine, she tries to buy us things for forgiveness. As I read further I see it goes much deeper. So sorry for your pain.

Take care!!

kudzujean

Katchie, I have a sister like that. Loves to say things that sound good, but mean absolutely nothing. She's full of....baloney.

redatlanta

I wish you could get to the point where nothing they did affected you.

Flowers? Great! Who cares who they came from.

We can imagine the intent behind them all day long. From mom I would say just sending flowers to her daughter (even though I get how toxic she is as you say yo believe she does love you). MIL well - hmmmm. Not sure why, but I'll say this. If she is going to do something I'd prefer to get flowers than it be dealing with her other antics.

Enjoy them. I'd never send flowers to someone who told me to get the hell out of their life so who's the joke on here?

aasharon90

Happy Belated Birthday Stung..!!!!!

Sending happy wishes your way..!!!!

I was gonna say the same thing as what
redatlanta said about the flowers. If you
like flowers because they are so pretty
and smell so nice, then enjoy them and
the heck where they came from or who
gave them to you.

I would selfishly enjoy them because
flowers bring a smile and happiness to
ME.

I read many of the shares above and
can definitely relate to MIL and M issues
as I was one of 4 kids my M abused
verbally, emotionally as well as physically.

ABUSE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
ABUSE no matter where it comes from
or who does it is in any shape or form
is hurtful, destructive and again NOT
ACCEPTABLE.

I divorced myself, distant myself, moved
away from ALL those who abused me and
hurt me. I had to in order to get healthy
and happy in my recovery life.

Abuse Hurts and even worse when it comes
from our emmediate family members. The
very people that we grew up with, trusted
and looked up to. When you break that bond
of love with abuse, then all the trust is loss.

Since my M remained in her illness
while I sought help to get healthy in
recovery, it was important for me to
not place myself back in a sick environment
again. So that is where I finally drew
the line and cut my family ties to move
on in life for a healthier, happy, honest life
in recovery for yrs to come.

You can too.