Emotional Abuse from AH last 4 nights
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Emotional Abuse from AH last 4 nights
This has been such a tough week for me. My AH has gotten drunk every night this week and then starts to yell at me about our relationship. He blames me for him drinking...I am not being a good wife to him...I am not acting right...I am being distant...when I try to talk to him calmly or say let's discuss this tomorrow when he is sober he goes off another rant. He has called me names...tells me I am not strong enough of a woman to move out and raise my boys by myself...he says I am too emotional...says I am the one that needs to go back to my counselor...that I am the one with the issues not him...I told him that I want to go to Al Anon and he freaked out.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Have you read about Emotional and Verbal Abuse?
And of course, I'm sure there isn't a person on this board who hasn't dealt with that.
It's a form of control. It will just erode your self-esteem as I'm sure it already has.
Do you want to leave?
And of course, I'm sure there isn't a person on this board who hasn't dealt with that.
It's a form of control. It will just erode your self-esteem as I'm sure it already has.
Do you want to leave?
Originally Posted by SadInTX 
This has been such a tough week for me. My AH has gotten drunk every night this week and then starts to yell at me about our relationship. He blames me for him drinking...I am not being a good wife to him...I am not acting right...I am being distant...when I try to talk to him calmly or say let's discuss this tomorrow when he is sober he goes off another rant. He has called me names...tells me I am not strong enough of a woman to move out and raise my boys by myself...he says I am too emotional...says I am the one that needs to go back to my counselor...that I am the one with the issues not him...I told him that I want to go to Al Anon and he freaked out.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Is he driving drunk with his son in the car? How long before he drives drunk with YOUR kids in the car?
You're worried about your custody situation with your kids--how do you think that would look to a custody evaluator?
You and your children (and his children, for that matter) are NOT SAFE. It is in your power to take action to end this.
You're worried about your custody situation with your kids--how do you think that would look to a custody evaluator?
You and your children (and his children, for that matter) are NOT SAFE. It is in your power to take action to end this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Earthworm: Yes I have read a little about both emotional and verbal abuse, but need to read more. When it is happening in the moment when he is drunk I feel like I can't say or do anything right. I just listen or say yes or no when I am supposed to. I know he is just trying to control me and the siutation. he doesn't want me to leave because then he would have to "start over" or "find my replacement". He says I have all the control or power because I make more money than him. I told him I would have to move out since it is his house (mortgage under his name).
Yes, I am leaning towards leaving but I am scared. If he knows that I am done then he will kick me out onto the streets. I have two boys to take care of. I am creating my Plan B, but I don't have the money right now for a down payment on an apartment.
Yes, I am leaning towards leaving but I am scared. If he knows that I am done then he will kick me out onto the streets. I have two boys to take care of. I am creating my Plan B, but I don't have the money right now for a down payment on an apartment.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Some wise words were shared with me when I first got in recovery . . .
"just because some one says it doesn't make it true."
please repeat
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
All you can do is what is healthy for YOU & those that are too young to make those decisions for themselves.
Please keep reaching out for help, support and look for what is best for you ~ YOU are worth it!
big pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
"just because some one says it doesn't make it true."
please repeat
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
All you can do is what is healthy for YOU & those that are too young to make those decisions for themselves.
Please keep reaching out for help, support and look for what is best for you ~ YOU are worth it!
big pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
LexieCat: I know, I have thought about that. I never leave my kids alone with him. I always take them with me if I go to the grocery store, gym, or wherever. I have looked up apartments in my area and will start to look at them this weekend, but I will have to lie to my husband about where I am going. If he knows I am thinking about leaving then he will kick me out on the street that day so I have to plan it out....I am also trying to gather the courage to call my dad...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
There is nothing wrong with you - he is an alcoholic. And from the sounds of it he is not much better sober.
He is freaking out about Alanon because he probably knows what it is all about, how you will start to feel differently and he won't be able to control you any longer. Sounds to me like he is scared of the truth.
I was verbally abused by my first boyfriend, who was not an alcoholic, 4 for years and it took a village of family and friends to dig me out of the hole he buried me in.
Do you have a plan in place?
He is freaking out about Alanon because he probably knows what it is all about, how you will start to feel differently and he won't be able to control you any longer. Sounds to me like he is scared of the truth.
I was verbally abused by my first boyfriend, who was not an alcoholic, 4 for years and it took a village of family and friends to dig me out of the hole he buried me in.
Do you have a plan in place?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Yes, SadinTx, enduring the emotional verbal abuse almost every night here too. I started voice recording it on my phone.
My AH thinks it's great to drink and smoke pot with his sons that are in their 20s.
I saw a message from his oldest son last year to AH that said "we should get some good 'shrooms and do them together some time"
Ridiculous.
My AH thinks it's great to drink and smoke pot with his sons that are in their 20s.
I saw a message from his oldest son last year to AH that said "we should get some good 'shrooms and do them together some time"
Ridiculous.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadinTx...keep working o n that plan "B". Do you have access to all the family funds?
Your own separate account?
Do you know the principles of detachment?
You are fortunate that you make more money than he does..that should m ake it easier for you in many ways.
dandylion
***By the way, he can't legally "kick" you out on the street the same day---that is illegal..if he tried to physically make you leave or change the locks..you can call the police, right then and there. It is your legal home as well as the dependent children...he would have to take legal means which would take several weeks. In the meantime, you could take legal means of y our own to retain your place in the home.
Don't fall into the trap of assuming that he has more power than he has!
Your own separate account?
Do you know the principles of detachment?
You are fortunate that you make more money than he does..that should m ake it easier for you in many ways.
dandylion
***By the way, he can't legally "kick" you out on the street the same day---that is illegal..if he tried to physically make you leave or change the locks..you can call the police, right then and there. It is your legal home as well as the dependent children...he would have to take legal means which would take several weeks. In the meantime, you could take legal means of y our own to retain your place in the home.
Don't fall into the trap of assuming that he has more power than he has!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
I really hate to admit this, yet I believe I was the emotional abuser.
The reason I say that is because I was not in any position to overtake my
AH physically--so I did plan my attack with words. As time progressed, he
had gotten physically weaker. 13years, I had reached that point were I
was the one in control. I could push, I could shove, I was the physically
strong one.
Physical force was no longer a threat to me.
I have tears come to my eyes because I can't believe I let the situation get so out of control. This was no longer his problem, he had pulled me in.
I'm out now
The reason I say that is because I was not in any position to overtake my
AH physically--so I did plan my attack with words. As time progressed, he
had gotten physically weaker. 13years, I had reached that point were I
was the one in control. I could push, I could shove, I was the physically
strong one.
Physical force was no longer a threat to me.
I have tears come to my eyes because I can't believe I let the situation get so out of control. This was no longer his problem, he had pulled me in.
I'm out now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Dandylion: No, I do not know the principles of detachment...please let me know...Yes, I am working on a plan B. We just opened up a joint checking account for bills about a month ago but I also have a separate account.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh 
Yes I am familiar with what you are experiencing. For me it did not start until after I had filed for divorce. Hours and hours of it. Night after night. One of my biggest regrets is not forcing him out at that point. I wasn't strong enough and clear enough but in hindsight those three months caused more emotional damage to me and the kids than all the previous years combined.
Many hugs to you.
Have you consulted a lawyer? I would recommend doing that right away so you have some facts to work with. I know each state is different but for instance - where I live it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage. If you are married - both people own the house as far as the courts are concerned.
In my case I filed for divorce and ask for primary custody and primary use of the house. I was granted those without question. They were temporary - in the final divorce he got half the house (even though the mortgage was mine alone) but in the mean time he had to leave and the kids and I stayed. I did that to force him to leave. I didn't even want a divorce at that point. If I'd have called the cops they would have escorted him out of his own house based on those orders. I didn't do it and I should have - even if I'd have done it the next day when all was calm and the kids were gone.
Long story short - consult with a lawyer and find out what your options are. You don't have to do anything or make any decisions but it is always good to know the facts.
Yes I am familiar with what you are experiencing. For me it did not start until after I had filed for divorce. Hours and hours of it. Night after night. One of my biggest regrets is not forcing him out at that point. I wasn't strong enough and clear enough but in hindsight those three months caused more emotional damage to me and the kids than all the previous years combined.
Many hugs to you.
Have you consulted a lawyer? I would recommend doing that right away so you have some facts to work with. I know each state is different but for instance - where I live it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage. If you are married - both people own the house as far as the courts are concerned.
In my case I filed for divorce and ask for primary custody and primary use of the house. I was granted those without question. They were temporary - in the final divorce he got half the house (even though the mortgage was mine alone) but in the mean time he had to leave and the kids and I stayed. I did that to force him to leave. I didn't even want a divorce at that point. If I'd have called the cops they would have escorted him out of his own house based on those orders. I didn't do it and I should have - even if I'd have done it the next day when all was calm and the kids were gone.
Long story short - consult with a lawyer and find out what your options are. You don't have to do anything or make any decisions but it is always good to know the facts.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by SadInTX
LexieCat: I know, I have thought about that. I never leave my kids alone with him. I always take them with me if I go to the grocery store, gym, or wherever. I have looked up apartments in my area and will start to look at them this weekend, but I will have to lie to my husband about where I am going. If he knows I am thinking about leaving then he will kick me out on the street that day so I have to plan it out....I am also trying to gather the courage to call my dad...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Van Halen: Yes, my father has the resources to help out. I am just ashamed at this point...I ended the relationship my kids' father 3 years ago...after trying for 12 years...with similar issues...I just don't want to hear "I told you so". But, I have to swallow my pride and call him. It is not for me, it's for my boys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcoholics have shelves and shelves filed with reasons why they drink. If he wasn’t blaming you then he’d have a million other things to blame.
When an alcoholic consumes that much alcoholic on a daily basis, there really is no sober time to have a meaningful conversation. Their brains are so alcohol saturated that even when they are not consuming they are very much operating with an alcoholic brain and though process.
If he says you are the one with issues then tell him that is why you are going to al-anon so that you can work on you because that really is what al-anon is all about.
You are the only one who can help yourself by making different decisions and changing your situation.
Get yourself to al-anon or therapy – whatever is going to open your eyes to this serious situation you and your children are in.
Once we stop looking to the most damaged person in our lives to change or get better and we reach out to those that truly love us and can offer real support – our lives change…………..call your dad and get yourself and your children to safe grounds.
When an alcoholic consumes that much alcoholic on a daily basis, there really is no sober time to have a meaningful conversation. Their brains are so alcohol saturated that even when they are not consuming they are very much operating with an alcoholic brain and though process.
If he says you are the one with issues then tell him that is why you are going to al-anon so that you can work on you because that really is what al-anon is all about.
You are the only one who can help yourself by making different decisions and changing your situation.
Get yourself to al-anon or therapy – whatever is going to open your eyes to this serious situation you and your children are in.
Once we stop looking to the most damaged person in our lives to change or get better and we reach out to those that truly love us and can offer real support – our lives change…………..call your dad and get yourself and your children to safe grounds.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by SadInTX
Van Halen: Yes, my father has the resources to help out. I am just ashamed at this point...I ended the relationship my kids' father 3 years ago...after trying for 12 years...with similar issues...I just don't want to hear "I told you so". But, I have to swallow my pride and call him. It is not for me, it's for my boys.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
Don't be ashamed to ask for help from
your dad or parents. Abuse is not an
option nor acceptable to you or your
children whether it be verbal, physical
or emotional.
Seek help if provided, accept it with
humility, graciousness to give yourself
and your children a safe, secure place
to live.
You deserve it.
your dad or parents. Abuse is not an
option nor acceptable to you or your
children whether it be verbal, physical
or emotional.
Seek help if provided, accept it with
humility, graciousness to give yourself
and your children a safe, secure place
to live.
You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by SadInTX
This has been such a tough week for me. My AH has gotten drunk every night this week and then starts to yell at me about our relationship. He blames me for him drinking...I am not being a good wife to him...I am not acting right...I am being distant...when I try to talk to him calmly or say let's discuss this tomorrow when he is sober he goes off another rant. He has called me names...tells me I am not strong enough of a woman to move out and raise my boys by myself...he says I am too emotional...says I am the one that needs to go back to my counselor...that I am the one with the issues not him...I told him that I want to go to Al Anon and he freaked out.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
Has anyone here dealt with the emotional and verbal abuse from your AH or AW? I feel like I am going crazy since I find myself thinking, "maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am difficult to live with." I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years so I work on my side. But I feel like he doesn't see his side of the problems in our marriage. He admits to drinking too much but tells me he drinks to deal with the abuse he expereinced as a child...he said he went to a therapist before and he told him that he is well adjusted for what he has been through and to come back when he has real problems! He will not go to AA (so he tells me).
Last night he took his 14 year old to the library and then text me at 7:30 "I am taking my boy out to play pool." They got home at 9:30 and he was drunk! He took my step son to a bar to play pool! And he thinks it was a great bonding experience! Please help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
