Emotional Abuse from AH last 4 nights
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I am in a similar situation. But the abuse gets worse. Much much worse. My stbxah's abuse became physical. And after a while there was no honeymoon period, no remorse, no regret. He just thinks I deserved whatever he did. And he made up so many lies about me and about our marriage that I think he believed his lies. His friends, family and children all think I am crazy. That he isn't abusive or an alcoholic. Even though it runs rampant in their family.
This is also my second marriage with children from my first. I would encourage you to swallow your pride and ask your dad. You can handle him saying I told you so better than the verbal abuse you are receiving now. It does get worse and it goes downhill very quickly in my experience. I wish I had gotten out years ago. Take care of yourself and your children. If you stay much longer your boys will think this is the norm and they may grow up to be abusers. Please get out while you can.
This is also my second marriage with children from my first. I would encourage you to swallow your pride and ask your dad. You can handle him saying I told you so better than the verbal abuse you are receiving now. It does get worse and it goes downhill very quickly in my experience. I wish I had gotten out years ago. Take care of yourself and your children. If you stay much longer your boys will think this is the norm and they may grow up to be abusers. Please get out while you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Thank you everyone for the advice...update on the situation...last night it was just me and my AH at home. Our kids go to their other parents' house Thursday nights (I have two kids from previous relationship, he has two kids from previous relationship). He was much easier to be around. He did drink as usual...but for some reason he was in a better mood...he did not pick a fight, or same mean things to me...he just tells me,
"Please, just love me" and "I have been feeling you run away or about to run away from me and I don't deal with that well..." Ugh...why can't it be that way every day? I just want the peace...I guess I am expecting too much for that... I have heard him say and others say..."this is as good as it gets" but which day is that? The easy going drunk AH or the loud and argumentative one? I am going to take one day at a time...sigh
"Please, just love me" and "I have been feeling you run away or about to run away from me and I don't deal with that well..." Ugh...why can't it be that way every day? I just want the peace...I guess I am expecting too much for that... I have heard him say and others say..."this is as good as it gets" but which day is that? The easy going drunk AH or the loud and argumentative one? I am going to take one day at a time...sigh
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sad...I have found that with an alcoholic, the "good" times are not free. One pays for those times by enduring the bad times.
In a healthy or "normal" relationship, no one says: "We had a great time, today....but, you are going to pay for this down the line".
I wish it weren't like that.......
dandylion
In a healthy or "normal" relationship, no one says: "We had a great time, today....but, you are going to pay for this down the line".
I wish it weren't like that.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
"Please, just love me" and "I have been feeling you run away or about to run away from me and I don't deal with that well..."
What a horrible thing to say after all he's put you through. He doesn't love himself. He loves alcohol. He can't love you. He is abusive to you, and then asks for your love. He can hurt you, and then make you feel sorry for HIM!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. So much empathy.
What a horrible thing to say after all he's put you through. He doesn't love himself. He loves alcohol. He can't love you. He is abusive to you, and then asks for your love. He can hurt you, and then make you feel sorry for HIM!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. So much empathy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcoholics don't have relationships - they take hostages.
So he says:
And your response to that is:
What exactly is peacful about manipulation?
So he says:
"Please, just love me" and "I have been feeling you run away or about to run away from me and I don't deal with that well..."
Ugh...why can't it be that way every day? I just want the peace...
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Dear lovely girl, hear this and make it your own, NOTHING AND I MEAN NOOOOOOOOO THING, coming out of that mans mouth is valid! You are not swallowing your pride, in fact it is pride, bravery, sanity and hope for a bright future that makes us do whatever is needed to protect ourselves and our children. Your A can't lead, won't follow so he needs to be put of your way. I'm not sure what TX law is, but in NY if you drive drunk with a minor in the car, you going away to the big house for a spell. I hope your keeping a dairy for protective services.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh wow do I remember! My XAH blamed me for EVERYTHING. He still blames me for stuff that happens now and we are divorced and I won't even be there. He does this drunk or sober. It nearly caused me a nervous breakdown when we were together. Literally that day I went and was set up with a psychiatrist who deals in helping families with addiction (myself, not with my X), and kept attending CR and coming here. Those things helped me build myself enough to know a couple of things.
1. That is not only addiction, it's abuse
2. That no matter the outcome, I would be strong enough to handle it and my children and I would be fine.
Guess what, I have since kicked him out (it was ugly) and my children and I are doing fine. It's up and down, it's not perfect, but we are overall just fine.
Tight hugs. Please don't accept blame that is not yours and don't let anyone make you feel crazy.
XXX
1. That is not only addiction, it's abuse
2. That no matter the outcome, I would be strong enough to handle it and my children and I would be fine.
Guess what, I have since kicked him out (it was ugly) and my children and I are doing fine. It's up and down, it's not perfect, but we are overall just fine.
Tight hugs. Please don't accept blame that is not yours and don't let anyone make you feel crazy.
XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
This is NOT your fault. Detach as much as you can. Even though it's hard, when he starts being verbally abusive, go in another room, take the kids out for a walk, leave the house. DO NOT feel forced to sit there and take it! I know that's SO much easier said than done.
Do you enable him? If so, stop and let him deal with the natural consequences of his behavior.
I'd say my RAH was verbally abusive, not quite to the point yours appears to be, but he said and did a number on my self esteem and self image. I got into therapy with an addiction expert and I started attending Alanon...both have been enormously helpful for me. Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and we have our issues, but I am getting much better, more happy and am taking care of ME and my son every day... you can do it, it's just those first hard steps!!
Keep your chin up and don't believe a word of that bs he says!!!!
Do you enable him? If so, stop and let him deal with the natural consequences of his behavior.
I'd say my RAH was verbally abusive, not quite to the point yours appears to be, but he said and did a number on my self esteem and self image. I got into therapy with an addiction expert and I started attending Alanon...both have been enormously helpful for me. Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and we have our issues, but I am getting much better, more happy and am taking care of ME and my son every day... you can do it, it's just those first hard steps!!
Keep your chin up and don't believe a word of that bs he says!!!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by SadInTX 
Van Halen: Yes, my father has the resources to help out. I am just ashamed at this point...I ended the relationship my kids' father 3 years ago...after trying for 12 years...with similar issues...I just don't want to hear "I told you so". But, I have to swallow my pride and call him. It is not for me, it's for my boys.
What you will come to understand going forward is when we care about someone, we're susceptible to making decisions that aren't in our best interest. Sometimes, the heart overrules the head. And rest assured, no one hits 1000 when it comes to making decisions, not even your dad. So don't be afraid to ask for help. Do what you need to do for yourself and for your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Update: Friday he did NOT drink...couldn't believe it..but he was not easy to be around...very moody, said he was not happy and didn't feel good...Saturday night he did drink but wasn't so bad...last night he drank and it was not good...verbally/emotionally abusive...saying I am the one that that is difficult to deal with...I am too emotional..too heady...says I am the one that needs to see a therapist every week or we are done...on and on and on....I was so upset and exhausted that I did something I don't normally do..I yelled back...I felt like I was stooping to his level...our kids were not home so they didn't witness or hear any of this...I am so tired today..he tried to patch things up but the damage once again has been done.
I love him, but don't know what to do. he said that he was going to lay back on the drinking...he even agreed to go see a therapist...just not sure if he will actually do it...we had a great day yesterday...went bike riding, had a picnic...but then as soon as he started drinking it was ugly again. I realize now that I have to own my part in it..I enabled him to drink (we stopped by a restaurant after picnic)....
I actually looked at two apartments on Saturday while he was visiting his brother...but I still don't know what to do...why am I on the fence and when will I know what decision to make?
I love him, but don't know what to do. he said that he was going to lay back on the drinking...he even agreed to go see a therapist...just not sure if he will actually do it...we had a great day yesterday...went bike riding, had a picnic...but then as soon as he started drinking it was ugly again. I realize now that I have to own my part in it..I enabled him to drink (we stopped by a restaurant after picnic)....
I actually looked at two apartments on Saturday while he was visiting his brother...but I still don't know what to do...why am I on the fence and when will I know what decision to make?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Sad, how does going to a restaurant enable him to drink? It is his choice. One of the restaurants by my house with the best food is a bar - and my RAH happily heads there with me and instead of drinking he eats dessert now. It has nothing to do with YOU. That one is on HIM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry, Sad. As far as your drinking...it doesn't sound like you turn into an abusive ahole from it, so....I say have a drink here and there.
I went almost 2 years not drinking trying to prove a point to ABF - normal drinkers can go without drinking and he cannot. There was no point taken, and I found myself angry that I was depriving myself to "show" this to a blind man in that regards. I enjoy a drink or 2 whenever the hell I want to now.
Should ABF ever come to me saying he wants to get sober and he would appreciate me not drinking around him, I'd support him in that way at the drop of a hat.
I went almost 2 years not drinking trying to prove a point to ABF - normal drinkers can go without drinking and he cannot. There was no point taken, and I found myself angry that I was depriving myself to "show" this to a blind man in that regards. I enjoy a drink or 2 whenever the hell I want to now.
Should ABF ever come to me saying he wants to get sober and he would appreciate me not drinking around him, I'd support him in that way at the drop of a hat.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sad, long ago you stopped having a relationship with HIM and now you have a relationship with his drinking....with alcohol.....and you crave those few brief moments when he is NOT drinking and is not abusive....or IS drinking but hasn't turned mean yet.
that is not love. but living with alcoholism and abuse leaves us settling for teeny tiny crumbs and calling them cake.
mean drunks just get meaner over time. you are in a delicate fragile place right now because you cannot determine with 100% certainty what he will do if you start to stand up for yourself, develop boundaries, detach and leave him to his own devices. that concerns me. mean words can turn to arm grabs in a nanosecond. so please first and foremost think SAFETY.
but see him for what he is. not what you hope or believe is "hiding in there somewhere". that's like reaching your hand into a rattler's den cuz you saw a bunny go down the hole and hoping not to get bit........
that is not love. but living with alcoholism and abuse leaves us settling for teeny tiny crumbs and calling them cake.
mean drunks just get meaner over time. you are in a delicate fragile place right now because you cannot determine with 100% certainty what he will do if you start to stand up for yourself, develop boundaries, detach and leave him to his own devices. that concerns me. mean words can turn to arm grabs in a nanosecond. so please first and foremost think SAFETY.
but see him for what he is. not what you hope or believe is "hiding in there somewhere". that's like reaching your hand into a rattler's den cuz you saw a bunny go down the hole and hoping not to get bit........
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadInTexas....I'm just grabbing here...but, I'll bet that y ou are so afraid that y ou will never find someone else that you can have the kind of feelings of connectedness or security as when he is being in the "good times".
.....?
dandylion
.....?
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
dandylion: yes, this is correct...plus, I am afraid to make another change for my kids...AH kicked me out after Christmas 2013 while I was going through custody battle for my kids (their dad is not my AH). Moved out but moved back in 6 months later...I won my custody battle, but since then the drinking and fighting has gotten worse...and he blames me...says that I can't live with boring..says I have to have the drama...not the case...I got rid of my kids' father because of the drama he put me through for 12 years... I know he says all of this out of FEAR...fear of what his life would be like if I left...
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