What do I tell the kids?
 

We will be telling the kids that we r getting a divorce. They are 8 and 11. Do I ever mention anything about the alcoholism as being one of the causes for the divorce?

Personally I think that would be a mistake at this stage. The main thing is to ensure that they do not blame themselves and that you create a supportive environment for them both. Introducing alcoholism at this stage will focus on the blame and not the support. Just my two cents.

I wouldn't

The reasons behind a divorce for kids this age aren't important.

My husband and I have been living apart for over a year but we are about to tell my son it's going to be permanent (our divorce will be final in less than two weeks.)

I've talked to several professionals and read all the articles I can find on the topic and the common theme is to not place blame on the divorce on either parent while making sure you let the child know it is absolutely, unequivocally, not their fault. If you can both be there and make sure it's as loving as possible all the better.

Regarding alcoholism, I do think it's important to address that at some point as the children have been impacted no matter how much sheltering we might try to do. I think it's important for them to know what alcoholism is and the three Cs (they didnt cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.) But I think those two topics are better kept separate and should be based on their age level, what they are able to process and probably depends a lot on the extent of abuse, etc.

Not looking forward to our talk at all. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Hope it goes as well as possible!

Godismyrock....since they are 8 and 11...I can pretty much guarantee that they already "know". Parents are prone to underestimating what the kids, of any age, know.

dandylion

Do you have a good family counselor well versed in addiction assisting in the transition? I ask because the kids already believe something about themselves and the relationships involved that we all know are very complex and dysfunctional.

By establishing a trustworthy counselor that they can voice their fears and what they do actually know already is very wise and healthy. My first traumatic experience with my father acting outrageously and abusively to my sister began at 7 years old. My mother was not very available nor communicative and extremely codependent to our detriment. Back in the seventies families kept the family secrets in a vault ...

What you tell your children should be based on your individual family situation and their maturity and how much they can understand. Its always best if the narrative is the same between the father and mother but when dad is alcoholic this is usually impossible.

I got my kids counseling and they are both healthy and OK in life and relationships as adults. They were 2 and 7 and the counseling came later in their lives when appropriate (Dad was a huge manipulator and always trying to get them to leverage a reconciliation).

I really don't think parents should explain to kids at any age the reasons for a divorce. Sometimes it will be obvious to them, but other times not. In my case, I left my first husband (the kids' dad) because the marriage didn't feel "right" to me. I still don't entirely understand all of the reasons why, myself--even now. I still feel the same way about the marriage, and I still care very much about the man, but how would one explain that to a child?

In addition to assuring the kids that it isn't their fault, I think it's important for them to know that both parents love them and will continue to take care of them. The thing kids worry most about, I think, is "What does this mean for ME?" Will I have to move, change schools, will I still see mom/dad, can we still do fun things together, where will I be for holidays--that sort of thing. And maybe all the details haven't been ironed out yet, but reassuring them as much as you can that things will stay as "normal" for them as possible is a good thing.

I agree with the others' feelings here - it's probably not essential to mention alcoholism at this time. The "divorce talk" can be tough enough as it is. My parents divorced when my sister and I were 8 and 10, the same age as your kids. The "why" came later down the road after we had a few months to adjust.

Hi. My older kids were 8 and 10yo.

I found this book enormously helpful. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski. Ideally both parents would read it. That wasn't the case for us but it was still great for me.

I also read this book to them. Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two by Isolina Ricci Ph.D. It was particularly helpful for my 10-11yo. He does not talk so had zero input but I could read it and use it as a jumping point to talk about other stuff. I did read it to the 8yo. I may have helped a little. He was younger of course but much angrier with me and the divorce being my fault so he wasn't really open to listening to me.

I read this one to the 10-11yo. Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe's and Evan's Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe Stern, Evan Stern I think it was helpful for him. I left that with him to read again if he wanted - I'm not sure if he did. I read them out-loud because he has dyslexia and his reading was really weak at that point. A 'reader' could probably read on their own at that age. It was also just a way for me to be with him and talk with him because he absolutely did not say one word about any of it and so there was only so much one sided conversation I could manage.

ETA: I also didn't give them a reason. I just said that mom makes the best decisions that she can and it was grown up stuff and that we both loved them very much and it was not their fault. I did talk to the older boys about alcoholism a little bit before the divorce - when he left for rehab. I did not relate it to the divorce or say it was dad's fault or anything like that. I said something along the lines of mom's and dad's sometimes can't live together anymore and that grown ups make those decisions for reasons that have nothing to do with the kids. I added that mom's and kid's are different. Mom's never leave their kids, ever, there is no reason or nothing could happen that would cause that. While technically that is not true it was true in their case so I went with it. Their dad said some scary things to them. I'm not sure if intentionally did that or not but either way I felt I needed to assure them of some things. I wouldn't leave them. I loved them. I was making the best decisions I could. Their dad could take care of himself - just like all adults do - we don't have to worry about him. He had pretty much told them I didn't care about him, them, or the family and that I'd left him to starve. Plenty more I didn't know about I'm sure.

Based on my experience when my A parents split when I was a kid, I would say the most important information for your kids is that it is not their fault.

I would say it totally depends on what their experiences have been.

In my case, I didn't have to explain -- "Dad drinks and is mean and violent" was so much part of their awareness that when I left, they never asked why, they asked "why didn't you leave sooner?" And there was also no way to say "Dad loves you and will always care for you" to kids who had just heard their dad threaten to kill them. So, you know, it's all about what they already know.

Mine were about that age when I left. I think listening will be important -- letting them ask questions, and answering them honestly. And I'd get them a therapist if you can afford it. Because sometimes, they'll have questions they're not comfortable asking either you or their dad.