Butterfly

I had an argument with DD (20) this morning over her not doing dishes last night. It didn't start of as an argument I went into her calmly and said I wanted the dishes done today. Well I got the attitude and it turned into a row she even said I came in and was mouthing off at her just because I woke up in a bad mood! I honestly didn't I was calm but when she started to get angry as I asked her again to do the dishes (3 times last night). She then said to me I'm moving out im not happy here! I said ok and walked out I was so upset!

I can't do anything right I'm trying to hold everything together not very well to be honest because she complains when I am upset, gets annoyed or ignores me. So he left also stating he wasn't happy and now DD is saying the same. I can't cope anymore I'm trying to do the best for everyone and it's not enough it has never been enough. What is wrong with me that people are unhappy being with me.

I am better on my own everyone is better off without me!!!!

suncatcher

Butterfly, Don't feel guilty about telling your 20 year old daughter to pitch in around the house. If she isn't happy there, she is an adult and free to go..she will still have to do her own dishes I'm sure. Sounds to me like you are learning to stand up for yourself. It's hard at first if you are used to just doing everything for everyone and keeping the peace. They don't like it much either because they are used to you being a push over and they get to do what ever they like. Stay strong, Butterfly and be gentle with yourself!

ubntubnt

hey Butterfly, we all have days and even weeks or months when it seems we are arguing and fighting with everyone from the moment we get up until the moment we go to bed. Days where we collapse into bed and think "my god, I am exhausted, all this bickering just to stand still". Just ask yourself whether you are doing the right things for the right reasons and if the answer is yes then take a deep breathe and be confident that it will work out for you.

FeelingGreat

Hey Butterfly, it's a pity your separation and DD being 20 have coincided, because this is really really normal. I'm getting mad just typing this, thinking of my own daughter at that age. And she and my DS are not ratbags, but they both had times of their lives when they were acting like it.
Now I suggest that if she wants to move out, you let her, but if she stays she does the dishes. If she does leave, stay calm, and she will soon understand how good she had it. She will also grow up a lot.
I don't know if you have any bargaining chips, but when my DD wanted to borrow the car I told her no, because she wasn't doing her share of work. Strangely, she accepted this.

Butterfly

It's an ongoing battle with her to do anything around the house and she has got worse since he left because he would have shouted if things weren't done!! It just really hurt when she said she wasn't happy living at home just like he wasnt. She can't just not be happy because I've asked her to do some dishes!!! I can't seem to make people happy

Hawkeye13

Your job isn't to "make" people anything.

They choose their own attitude--she has been taking advantage
and you called on it.

I agree that if she stays, she does the dishes.
If she moves, even for a little while, she will discover
that dishes don't wash themselves, nor do floors sweep themselves,
and little fairies don't do the dusting and clean the toilet at night while we sleep.

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you asked was fair.

FeelingGreat

Honey, it's not your job to make her happy. Seriously, it might be time for you to suggest she move out if she feels that bad. But do it in a calm way; just say you've no intention of being her servant, and it might be better for her to move in with Dad or try a share house.

Your relationship will improve a lot if she's not living with you and you're not on at her constantly about the housework (you shouldn't have to ask). Is there anything you can use as a bargaining chip, like using the car, an allowance, or other things you give freely?

It sounds like you're running a 'poor me, I can't do anything right' script in your head. Try not to. You have a temporarily selfish unhappy girl on your hands who maybe thinks you're going to give in to her. Have a think about how you will deal with this and not take it personally.

I've mentioned before that I pretty much solved this problem by sitting with DD, and have us both write out what we think would be a reasonable share of work between us.

Once she had to think about this herself, she came up with a fair list. We made an agreement and she stuck to it because she had to write it.

Butterfly

This made me laugh if only they did!!

Butterfly

I don't think I was being unreasonable either but I do feel responsible for making sure my kids are happy. is that not what I'm meant to try and do create a happy calm and loving home??

Hawkeye13

You were calm. You asked her three times.
You can only have a calm loving home if everybody participates.

She used a tactic of having a fit to distract you from the real subject
which was her not holding up her end with helping.

You aren't her servant, and you either need to try and work out a plan
for sharing the cleaning, or she needs to move.

Not learning to keep basic house routines is something that will not
help her in later life.

LexieCat

It isn't your job to "make" other people happy. If they don't like your reasonable requests, that is THEIR problem--it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. She's a self-centered 20-y/o. That's how a lot of young people are at that age. It's not only her choice, but yours, that she live there. If she can't carry her own weight in the house, maybe it is time for her to move out where she will have to.

FeelingGreat

1. We aren't responsible for making anyone who is an adult happy.
2. We don't have the ability to make others happy; in fact trying too hard to make someone happy often has the opposite effect.
3. We have the responsibility to set reasonable boundaries and guidelines for our children, and drag them kicking into adulthood.

Butterfly

I have tried to set boundaries with her we did the list of what I have to do and asked what she was prepared to do. She agreed to a few things but hasn't followed through and of course for a quiet life I end up doing it all again. DS isn't great but when I ask him to do something he does it no arguments or moods!!!!

Sometimes it feels like she has taken over from him when he left, the moods stomping about the house not knowing what mood she will be in and I find myself triggered by her behaviour at times. She gave me again the other day as I was upset, she said I don't want to see you upset and I don't want to know about as it annoys me!! I told her that I am entitled to my feelings and emotions and I will not bottle them up if I need to cry I will cry, I don't cry round them anymore and usually go upstairs but she was out and came home!!

Refiner

I personally wouldn't worry about her b*tching about not liking it there. I would even go so far as giving the adult bird out of the nest, she needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility for herself.

ardy

when my kids were home we had a chart on the wall big big chart so gee I didn't see it just did not work... they pretty much all pitched in.. hahahah Moose had to take the garbage out..every day he was the first to get up for work in the morning.. started that he forgot. forgot forgot. so I would ty it up the night before .. after 3am everyone in and a sleep would put it in front of the kitchen door he had to pick it up to open the door to leave... he gave me such a look. Mom someone could make a mess of the garbage.. moose you have to take the bag out right have to go to work right have to open the door to leave right.. last time I had to put it there. haahahah Dishes why is it no one likes doing the dishes. hahhahahah my son Ivan had friends in one sunday while I was a way.. came home on Monday to find the kitchen full of dishes.. put a plastic sheet on his bed and put all the dirty dishes on his bed... cleaned my kitchen and waited. Mom What the Hell.. what I said .. you put all the dirty dishes on my bed ...mmm really sure it just wasn't the party you had and it spilled over to that room seems that the kitchen is clean.. Thanks for keeping things in order while I was out.. mmm last time I had to ask him to do dishes. hahahahaha have to be one step ahead of them all the time. hahahahahaha.. now I live in my sons home.. and I love the kitchen.. and house.. when he was here ... even with a wife... Mom want to come for coffee ahahahah I would answer Mom would you come and clean up for me. pleaase. hahahahah coffee dinner and now my house to live in for as long as I need a place to stay.. so it has its ups and downs. it will get better Butterfly Promise a Mom

Seren

I'm sorry it was a lousy night, Butterfly!! A perhaps extreme method, but one that has worked in the past...

DON'T do her chores for her. Wash only the dishes YOU need, wash only YOUR clothes, leave undone (except for your own use) the chores she agreed to do. If she doesn't like her new, stinky environment...when she realizes you AREN'T going to pick up her slack, then perhaps she will learn that she has things she needs to do to contribute besides yacking away on social media or however she spends her time.

And, in my opinion, providing a safe, warm, and loving home is the job of parents. This does not mean that the parents are the servants of the children....

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, I'm sure there is give and take around the place. If she has agreed to do things and is breaking that agreement now, what can you stop doing for her?
Allowance? Car? Laundry? Cooking meals?

What do you do for her that she could do for herself? Perhaps she would be happier with her dad. Don't make the mistake of not letting her go...she will always be your DD, she just needs time to mature.

lillamy

So, here's the thing. And I will give you one piece of advice, despite the general idea here being NOT giving advice. But this is important:

Stop beating yourself up. Stop talking in absolutes. When you say "always" and "never" you paint a picture that isn't true -- simply because you're upset. And that part of the brain we have that's sort of like a golden retriever -- trusting, but not very bright -- it believes us when we talk crap about ourselves. That's why we shouldn't do it. Because you do a lot of things right. (((hugs)))

Secondly... I guess I sort of second FeelingGreat. You said your ex would yell at the kids if they didn't do what they were told? So did mine. And they were so used to it that when nobody yelled, they didn't do anything. Now, mine were much younger -- but I let them get away with that for a while. I felt like they needed to be able to take up more space than AXH had let them, be ornery kids which he had never let them be. My kids are largely delayed in their emotional development -- apparently a "normal" side effect of growing up with an A parent, I'm told -- and so... maybe your 20-year-old is 20 in years, but maybe she's 15 in emotional age? And I can tell you first-hand that not doing what you're told? Yeah. 15-year-olds are experts at that...

That said -- you have every right to expect that an adult living in your home contributes. I wouldn't be willing to completely let her off the hook. When my oldest moved back in, we sat down and had a long discussion about rules of engagement -- what would he contribute ($$$ and housework)? What would he expect in the way of "service" from us (cooking, getting rides, etc)? That's not something I would have thought of doing if he had lived with us all the time -- because then it's just like an extension of childhood. But because he moved out and then moved back in, it felt appropriate.

FireSprite

I was actually going to suggest the same thing Butterfly..... my friend's DD is the same way. She learned the behavior from dad - pitch a fit, whine & moan & go at it relentlessly until you wear Mom down. DD is definitely overstepping boundaries here, you have no reason to expect her not to handle these minor responsibilities at her age. It's a very reasonable expectation, don't let her reaction make you feel like less of a mom.

And I agree with the others that it isn't your job to provide her happiness. As parents the best we can do is help our kids develop tools for life so that they can identify & create their own happiness.

FireSprite

^^^YES! This is all SO true!