LexieCat

Rock (hope you don't mind--I feel funny addressing you as "God"), do you have a lawyer yet? Your attorney can seek pendente lite relief while the divorce is pending. You probably have to file the divorce complaint before or simultaneously with a motion for such relief. I don't practice divorce law, and I don't know what the law is in Illinois, but many places you could get temporary orders prohibiting either of you from discussing the details with the kids, determining who gets the house temporarily and possibly even restricting him from living in proximity to you if you are temporarily given the house. Given the way he's acting, I'd get moving on it.

Godismyrock

I have been keeping a very detailed journal now for a long time. For a long time I used it just to avoid being in denial about how bad the A was progressing. Then I realized that I needed it for future fights about how to get protections for my children during visitations.

Lexie - totally ok to call me whatever. Some call me GIMR and others call me Rock. They are both fine. I am getting an appointment with a divorce attorney as soon as possible. I am also an attorney, but I don't do family law. I do a lot of other stuff, just not this.

zoso77

Excellent.

Sorry that you have to go through this. Keep your wits about you, and don't allow the daily Sturm und Drang throw you off course.

Thumper

When I filed for divorce neither one of us were allowed to make any large purchase. Maybe if you file that will prevent him from buying until the divorce is final and with any luck they will be sold or you can have stipulations written in regarding proximity if that is possible.

Sorry about the stress. My ah said sone creepy stuff like that but I knew he was quacking.

LexieCat

Gotcha. Yeah, I've only picked up a bit here and there from prosecuting the DV stuff and from going through two divorces (one for which I had a lawyer just to make sure we covered all the bases--that ex and I were/are good friends and parted amicably; the other I handled myself--no kids/no property issues). IOW, I know just enough to be dangerous.

suki44883

^^^^ This! ^^^^

Timeiskey

I JUST moved away from my ex after seven months of living next to him. I would recommend that you follow up on this issue and find out from your attorney what path you should take to deter your ex from moving in across the street. For me, it wasn't healthy. I couldn't get the space in my mind and presence to move forward completely and to let go...I was "stuck" as they say in AlAnon.

Hopeworks

Threatening to burn down the house is serious and is abusive! I have personal knowledge of a drunk who burned down his house to keep his wife from getting it after it was awarded to her in their divorce.

That threat is all you need to get him removed and a restraining order and I would file for divorce to get the separation you need. It sounds like the more you attempt to establish boundaries the more difficult and erratic he is becoming.

So sorry you are going through this and that he has now gotten the children upset. A counselor for the kids would be very helpful for them and create another opportunity for testimony from a professional that could support your position on the best interests of the children. As an active drinker you are right to pursue keeping them safe... as an ACOA I only wish my own mother had kept us safe from our toxic father.

redatlanta

What a freaking jerk.

I'd file that divorce so fast his head spins. As stated no major purchases are usually a contingency because they become part of the marital assets.

Then I'd drag my feet on the D and hope those homes sell to someone else. Would seem with all the documentation you have plausible to get a definition of how close he can live to you.

Godismyrock

Hi all,

I was digging around a divorce forum for others experiences with ex living very close. In order to be ready to provide him (and or my kids, since he told them) with some reasoning, other than there is no way I can allow my kids that much access to an active alcoholic, here are their reasons why it doesn't work:

1) Helping the kids to understand boundaries, like whose night it is, and whose time it is. When they don't stick to their scheduled routine of one night at dad's, one night at mom's, etc., things start to get complicated emotionally for everyone, and that's ultimately not good for the kids -- or the parents.

2) Kids could still witness too much arguing with us in too close proximity to each other. They don't have to witness arguments we have by email, text or in person elsewhere.

3) It triggers reconciliation hopes daily in the kids.

4) If they are having their time with him, and they see me in the backyard, they may want to cut his time short and come over to my house. They constantly are being torn between two exes and feel like they constantly have to make a choice, instead of having set visitation times. If they are with one parent, they feel free to fully engage with that parent during that time.

You guys have any more to add? I want to be prepared for the onslaught of "why can't I live next door" garbage.

LexieCat

No, I think those are excellent. And that's pretty much what I was getting at in terms of the kids finding it "confusing" to have divorced parents living across the street from each other.

hopeful4

Unless he has money that is solely his, he should not be able to purchase a house at this time. Not with joint funds anyways.

Divorces take a while, those houses may not be for sale by the time he has access to the funds to buy. You need to file immediately, here in MO they issue an immediate judgement to what you can and cannot do w/joint funds.

And if all else fails, don't tell him in advance, and if he buys the house, move. Be careful since you have shown your cards so to speak. Get your importants out of your house for a while. Ugh, I am so sorry.

Tight hugs to you and your children!!!

redatlanta

Are you going to attempt to discuss these talking points with him?

Godismyrock

Yes, I will talk to him the next time he is actually sober and coherent, and not angry. That may be awhile.
I will be seeing his mother, his sister and brother today for DS8 birthday party so I plan on discussing the points with them as well. His whole family supports my decision and understands how deep STBXAH is in is alcoholism. I am planning on still going with everyone to MIL house today for DS8 birthday party. Even though my kids now know about the impending divorce (thanks STBXAH for that awesome timing), I want today to feel as normal as possible for both sons. I plan to be cordial and pleasant to be around (wish me luck with that). I just hope my STBXAH stays somewhat sober. My MIL is requiring him to be sober to attend his son's party. We will see. I DO NOT WANT THERE TO BE ANY SCENES.

NWGRITS

You're not the first person to post here about their ex wanting move in across the street/next door. I think in just about all cases it's been total quacking, but the history of abusive language and threats has me on the "get some legal protection" train with everyone else. The kids definitely need more sanity and stability than he's wanting to provide. I'm sorry he's doing this to you. (((Hugs)))

FeelingGreat

I think it's appalling that your STBXAH is talking to your children while intoxicated. The first item of business with your lawyer might be to get an undertaking that he can only discuss your separation sober, and with you.

I share your strong opposition to him moving next door. Somehow I feel he won't be open to reason on this, from what you've told us.

Godismyrock

Man I wish this were quacking. He really thinks that he will be able to see his kids every day. He is so in denial about hard this divorce will be on him. I expect he Wil. Only be seeing his kids one or two nights a week and every weekend with supervision.
What's so weird about his to desire to"see his kids every day" is that he hasn't been here for them for so long, it will be no different. He spends all his time either at AA (when he was actually trying) at a bar, or in the basement. They never see him. He has only been to one soccer game or practice in 5 months.
DS11 asked whether I could take care of them by myself after the divorce. I said I will have no problem.

I have a date with a smart experienced lawyer that I trust on Thursday. I would have seen him sooner but he just had an appendectomy this last week. God knew it wasn't time to see the lawyer yet so he gave him an appendectomy, poor guy.

TalenCrowhaven

Honestly, what I see is him using his children to pass messages to you, and most likely will use them to keep him updated on what you're doing.

Buying a house so close would allow him to basically stalk you without ever leaving home.

I really hope I'm wrong.

NWGRITS

It's not about the kids, it's about control. And you're smart enough to see it. You're going to be fine, and those kids will benefit from having such a strong mother.

Santa

It sounds like a combination of wishful thinking on his part, stringing the kids along, and enjoying jerking your chain to see the reaction. Is he in a financial or legal position to make an offer on a house right now and qualify for a mortgage? If the answer is no, it's quacking.